Any Advice?

  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Sep 13, 2007 2:11 AM GMT
    Haha I love these forums, its nice getting opinions and advice from experienced and wise people in the gay community. This one is kinda tough though.

    I think this issue started when I first came out, I dated a boy, did not go well at all. We tried again a year later, nothing changed. After that if I got attracted to anybody I numbed myself out to it, it brought up old feelings of my ex. So I worked on it, and I think I'm completely over that relationship, feel pretty comfortable about myself, in a good place. But the problem is since I ended that relationship, I've almost been unable to become attracted to anybody, its almost like its gone. Even though I've met soo many guys and have become super comfortable with myself and my sexuality, nothings happening. I would like to date again, but I all I feel now is mild to non-existent attraction to guys. Its wierd...
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Sep 13, 2007 2:12 AM GMT
    I forgot to put...

    I still feel sexually attracted to guys, that's still running smooth. Emotionally, not so much.
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    Sep 13, 2007 2:37 AM GMT
    I don't think it's weird at all.

    I've met lot's of guys that I find physically attractive, but once I got to know them, the attraction was lost in the personality.

    Same holds true the other way around. I've met guys that I wasn't that attracted to physically at first, but when I got to know them, the physical attraction came into play.

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    Sep 13, 2007 3:15 AM GMT
    It sounds like you just got "bruised" in a relationship and maybe it makes you wary of what a relationship really is.

    In my experience a lot of gay guys go through a lot of learning before they figure out what is really valuable in life much less a relationship.

    In other words you are in discovery mode, and the things you want are probably going to change between now and say 40. Bad experiences can be very disenchanting especially the first ones.

    You are just where you should be. You are aware of your feelings. If you don't make an attempt to make hard and fast rules about where you should be, you will naturally come to the places you should be at the right times.

    You are young and growing inside in terms of wisdom and emotional maturity, so don't worry about what you are feeling now, it will surely change as you move on in life.

    here is a little of the Tao Te Ching for you:

    "A good traveler has no fixed plans
    and is not intent upon arriving." (Tao Te Ching Chapter 27)
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    Sep 13, 2007 4:50 AM GMT
    I have had three experiences that have numbed me, too.

    First time was with a 60-something guy who was out for number 1. Lost my erection 3 minutes into the activity and never got it back.

    Second time, I fell head over heels for the guy, (no sex, other than a bit of light petting through the clothing), and he, two years younger than me, now hardly gives me the time of day.

    Third time was a kiss from a 20-something kid who nearly made me pass out from pure sexual passion -- he is in a 'sugar daddy' relationship with a very wealthy man, so I know that nothing will ever happen.

    I'm getting close to calling it quits simply because I'm spinning my wheels. It's very tiring, and frankly, I don't have time for the games.

    Logically, I know that I have to keep trying, but I totally identify with you on this subject.
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    Sep 13, 2007 5:03 AM GMT
    Being open to an emotional loving relationship is very tough.

    It requires you to open up to someone else on an unprecedented scale.

    The HIGH when it is right is incredible, but so are the lows when it is not right.

    The problem is that you have to be willing to fail - and fall and get hurt badly in order to find the one that is worthwhile.

    Or as the guy who sings my life said:

    "Standing Outside The Fire"

    We call them cool
    Those hearts that have no scars to show
    The ones that never do let go
    And risk the tables being turned

    We call them fools
    Who have to dance within the flame
    Who chance the sorrow and the shame
    That always comes with getting burned

    But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
    'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

    We call them strong
    Those who can face this world alone
    Who seem to get by on their own
    Those who will never take the fall

    We call them weak
    Who are unable to resist
    The slightest chance love might exist
    And for that forsake it all

    They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
    Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

    Standing outside the fire
    Standing outside the fire
    Life is not tried, it is merely survived
    If you're standing outside the fire

    There's this love that is burning
    Deep in my soul
    Constantly yearning to get out of control
    Wanting to fly higher and higher
    I can't abide
    Standing outside the fire

    Standing outside the fire
    Standing outside the fire
    Life is not tried, it is merely survived
    If you're standing outside the fire

    Standing outside the fire
    Standing outside the fire
    Life is not tried, it is merely survived
    If you're standing outside the fire

    - some guy named Garth
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    Sep 13, 2007 5:57 AM GMT
    I know exactly what you're saying xKorix! I'm in that same phase of life right now... where you try to date again and find the attraction you had before, but it never comes around. Metaphorically speaking, it's like having erectile deficiencies but on an emotional level... you just can't seem to get that same level of attraction up.

    It's weird, I know, I'm telling myself it will pass. If it does I'll let you know and vice versa k?
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    Sep 13, 2007 7:53 AM GMT
    I usually find myself falling for the personality of a person before the physical features but I'm not going to lie.. the guy I really like right now might not be much to look at for some he's just dead on balls hot to me.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 13, 2007 11:03 AM GMT
    You're putting up a wall for some reason my man
    mebbe you're afraid to become vulnerable
    but there's a disconnect there somewhere
    ...try to become friends with the guys you date
    and not see them as just dating material
    that might jumpstart your emotional connection
    and in the meanwhile try to see if you can see why you keep men away from you on an emotional level
  • Nudista

    Posts: 158

    Sep 13, 2007 2:08 PM GMT
    I agree with "Active and Fit" for the most part...and as he states "you are aware of your feelings"....is definitely a good thing because I believe you need to know where on the map you are before you can decide which side of the fork you want to take.

    Sometimes....if your not oriented earlier on...or if you just don't care....you may end up in a really strange place years down the road.
    Example: I met a man once that was so "bruised" by earlier experiences that by the time I reached him (Im very easy to get along with) he was an enclosed, empty, introverted ball of emotional void. His earlier experiences started a snowball effect that began the self-implosion...and for whatever reasons...this early path never changed direction. I saw the tremendous hurt-beyond repair look in his eyes. Very sad.

    My only difference from "Active and Fit" is to not always assume that you'll naturally arrive at the right place/right time...

    Always be aware of your emotions...that inward compass we all have of ourselves. And even if some life events bruise us...don't let it derail you....pull over...take a break...and get back on the road! In the meatime...always enjoy the trip!!

    One man's opinion...
    AMB
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    Sep 13, 2007 2:48 PM GMT
    Hey XKorix...

    You are 19. Plenty of time to figure out who and what you like. Don't look at the short term and think oh no. Look at the long term and think how will I grow and morph as a person. Now is the time to worry about you.
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    Sep 13, 2007 9:04 PM GMT
    I'm with LaSalle on this one. It took two years for my first relationship to even become offical and it will be two years again before really gaining ground with the guy I'm wanting to start something with. He was in the closet when we met and I had just come out so go I knew we both had some growing up to do. I think in the long term though we'll have something.
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    Sep 13, 2007 9:17 PM GMT
    hey xKorix -
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Sep 13, 2007 10:45 PM GMT
    ITJock,

    "- some guy named Garth"

    Garth Brooks

    He is just about the best country singer ever.

    Mike
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Sep 13, 2007 10:51 PM GMT
    Sorry about that last post xKorix. It is off topic.

    Anyway I don't think you need advice. I think everything you say is normal and you are young, so you have lots of time to fine the right guy, and when the right guy comes along you will become attracted to him. Don't worry.

    Mike