Coming out later in life

  • ou812

    Posts: 7

    Aug 20, 2013 8:02 PM GMT
    Sooo. found this site the other day. Glad I did. I'm kinda a l8 bloomer. Have lived my life in denial as to my true sexuality, and it hasnt been EZ. Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out. This will be like the 10th time. Any tips?
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    Aug 20, 2013 8:27 PM GMT
    Many of us came out late in life and are here for support. All you have to do is ask. I've personally gotten to know about a dozen guys on here and supported them all the way through coming out. Some great lessons and great friends made along the way.
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    Aug 20, 2013 8:29 PM GMT
    I thought I was a late bloomer in my early 30s. Good luck, and here you will find a lot of support.
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    Aug 20, 2013 10:28 PM GMT
    ou812 saidSooo. found this site the other day. Glad I did. I'm kinda a l8 bloomer. Have lived my life in denial as to my true sexuality, and it hasnt been EZ. Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out. This will be like the 10th time. Any tips?


    Let people see Your other qualities and selfconfidency. Being gay isn't defect of character or virtue. I'm sure, You're not just gay but a human being too :-) First person which has to look at You as on person deserving respect is the guy in the mirror. It would be OK and don't be afraid of some potential denies from the others - real friends will appreciate You're open to them.
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    Aug 20, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    I came out at 48. I still struggle with the guilt and shame. Was married for 22 yrs. Sometimes I still wonder if actually coming out was the best idea. My life seems to have become harder..( haha, get it harder..:rollicon_smile.gif since i came out, however that has more to do with other people than myself. One day I hope to be 100% comfortable in my new skin. Right now, Id say im about 80%, which is pretty ok.
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    Aug 20, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    Don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilt about, you are who you are and you've got to embrace it. For me, I only embraced it when I turned 27 this year and I feel like I wasted a lot of time not accepting myself. It's time to start living your life and feeling comfortable about it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 20, 2013 10:43 PM GMT
    I didn't come out until I was 50. Kids, ex-wife, the whole thing. Trust me. It is great.
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    Aug 20, 2013 10:52 PM GMT
    Im 35 and only out to a select few - others assume as I work in a gay heavy work environment. My family has ALOT of problems so Ive restrained letting them know about this side of me - feel it would be too much. I feel your pain, its a real struggle everyday. icon_neutral.gif

    Luckily ive met some very nice guys on here already
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Aug 21, 2013 1:27 AM GMT
    Do it! Come out! Don't waste another day denying that you enjoy the company of a man.. that you love men. I was bi thru my twenties, but by the time I hit my early thirties, I just couldn't deny my same-sex feelings. Now, I'm gay, and I'm not going back to life acting like I don't like cock. icon_lol.gif

    I was afraid to come out to my mother and sister.. but once I did, they were totally cool with it.. and understanding even; and they're Jehova's Witness on top of that. I'm now happy--well, mostly happy because I've not found a man yet.. but I'm getting there. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 21, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    Dude, it's a journey coming out late in life. Don't regret doing it, only regret that I wasn't honest with myself, the ex-wife up front to save a lot of angst. But, spilt milk at this point.

    I fight daily with not seeing my being gay as a defect character, just another part of it. I'm getting there, and you will too. Honesty with yourself is the most important part of the whole process. Like others have said, there are those on this site that are more than willing to help you through the process. Good luck and godspeed.
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    Aug 21, 2013 1:41 AM GMT
    freedomisntfree saidso NOW, Bob, back to the OP. What do you have to say about coming out late in life?

    I deleted all my posts that quoted your TOS/TOE violation of my private email to you. I have nothing to say about coming out late in life. I know I'd be trashed here by you (a straight guy) and others, despite being the oldest late bloomer here.
  • ou812

    Posts: 7

    Aug 21, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Wow. Dang. Thanks for the support and advice. Glad I happened by this site. It means tru;y means alot.
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    Aug 21, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Some come out of the closet, others climb out of a coffin. The two quotes below helped me come out two years ago and breathe the clean air for the first time. I don't regret it and I've been able to define myself.

    "Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." Meg Cabot

    “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

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    Aug 21, 2013 3:07 AM GMT
    ou812 said...Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out....


    I'd lay a lot of the blame for those guilt trips on the world.

    I've been out to friends and family since about 20 or 21 but then mid 20s-mid 30s I was with my bi guy (our mothers introduced us) only his mom was homophobic. Didn't know I was gay, didn't know he was bi. And we stayed with her a lot. So I'd be in his bed in the morning and then dinner conversation would be his mom telling us how gay people shouldn't be allowed to teach kids in school. Holy crap.

    So for 10 years we lived in the closet around her. Living in denial for her about the nature of our relationship. Now that was back in the 70s/80s. Today I'm sure I wouldn't have put up with that and I hope she would have "evolved" since then. But at my bud's funeral, only his sister acknowledged our relationship. Not one other person besides my parents remotely treated me as widow. And that happened to me twice. I find myself very much affected by that.

    I hate this fucking world sometimes. What it does to us. Don't lay all that on yourself. Fix what you can. But that damage inside is what this world does. They so fucking owe us.
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    Aug 21, 2013 3:47 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    freedomisntfree saidso NOW, Bob, back to the OP. What do you have to say about coming out late in life?

    I deleted all my posts that quoted your TOS/TOE violation of my private email to you. I have nothing to say about coming out late in life. I know I'd be trashed here by you (a straight guy) and others, despite being the oldest late bloomer here.


    You really need to stop this crap you delusional idiot. I came out at 16 so I had not much to contribute, but thought you would. That's all there to this. It was no setup, no plant, no trick ... no nothing. Why can't you get this through your dense skull?
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    Aug 21, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    ou812 saidSooo. found this site the other day. Glad I did. I'm kinda a l8 bloomer. Have lived my life in denial as to my true sexuality, and it hasnt been EZ. Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out. This will be like the 10th time. Any tips?


    18 is not exactly late in life. Don't be in such a hurry.
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    Aug 21, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    ou812 saidSooo. found this site the other day. Glad I did. I'm kinda a l8 bloomer. Have lived my life in denial as to my true sexuality, and it hasnt been EZ. Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out. This will be like the 10th time. Any tips?


    Just take it one day at a time. It was very hard for me too. But what I did was before I would joke about liking guys. And my friends didnt believe it, up until I got used to people hearing me joke about it, until I told my friends (That was hard too). But its easier now. But in the end, it is better that people hate you for who you are than to like you for what you are not.icon_idea.gif
    And Good Luck!!!!
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    Aug 21, 2013 5:39 AM GMT
    Nothing to feel guilty about. Everyone has their own story and their own timetable. Congratulations on taking the first steps towards self-acceptance. I've got two pieces of advice: (1) Be yourself -- there is no one correct way to "be gay" and (2) even as you strive to be yourself, know that you'll still be the same person you always were --just, hopefully, a more fulfilled and happy version of that person.
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    Aug 21, 2013 6:09 AM GMT
    freedomisntfree said
    ART_DECO said
    freedomisntfree saidso NOW, Bob, back to the OP. What do you have to say about coming out late in life?

    I deleted all my posts that quoted your TOS/TOE violation of my private email to you. I have nothing to say about coming out late in life. I know I'd be trashed here by you (a straight guy) and others, despite being the oldest late bloomer here.


    You really need to stop this crap you delusional idiot. I came out at 16 so I had not much to contribute, but thought you would. That's all there to this. It was no setup, no plant, no trick ... no nothing. Why can't you get this through your dense skull?



    Congrats to you, and to anyone who mans up and comes out. Being true to yourself is the only way to live. It is easy for some to come out, and tough for others. Each guy has his own path.

    As for trying to have a rational discussion with an imbecile, you can't - you just can't. Many of us have made the mistake of trying to engage and befriend certain individuals around here, only to be sorely disappointed when the pompous clown shows his true colors. Give him the full attention he deserves (which is none at all). He's here only for comic relief. Every guy I've known for the nearly 7 years I've been here has this blowhard's number and steers clear of him.
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    Aug 21, 2013 6:25 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI didn't come out until I was 50. Kids, ex-wife, the whole thing. Trust me. It is great.


    Didn't they once ever suspect?
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    Aug 21, 2013 7:46 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Destinharbor said[/cite]I didn't come out until I was 50. Kids, ex-wife, the whole thing. Trust me. It is great. [/quote


    That is my story as well. It has turned out great. I love being gay though I can't say it has anything to do about self acceptance .Ive had to reinvented myself and learn the ropes and I'm kinda still a newbie. Get a BF as soon as possible . I think it sucks being gay and not practicing it with a hot guy.
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    Aug 21, 2013 8:02 AM GMT
    Just go with the flow. try and embrace all that is new to you, its really not that different than the straight world, just a little more colourful and outrageous.

    Have fun and enjoy

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    Aug 21, 2013 8:34 AM GMT
    Just do it. I stressed so much about doing it and ended up being a breeze and very liberating. My almost 80 year old Mum was delighted when I told her...

    The most important people in my life are happy for me and that's all that counts.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 21, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    The_Tango said
    Destinharbor saidI didn't come out until I was 50. Kids, ex-wife, the whole thing. Trust me. It is great.


    Didn't they once ever suspect?

    Well, they wondered why I never remarried. Assumed it was because the first marriage was a mess (though not for the reasons you're thinking). I've always been very vocal about gay rights and respect and oddly, I think that kind of shielded me from suspicion, though that wasn't the intent. I didn't come out earlier to protect myself and my dependents financially. I live in a conservative part of the south and worked in a conservative industry. I now realize I probably could have made it financially although differently if I'd come out a lot earlier but hindsight is 20/20. I would have been a lot happier if I had. You only go around once, as they say.

    I think at this turning point, there is no good reason not to come out IF you're not dependent on your parents for support.
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    Aug 21, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidDo it! Come out! Don't waste another day denying that you enjoy the company of a man.. that you love men. I was bi thru my twenties, but by the time I hit my early thirties, I just couldn't deny my same-sex feelings. Now, I'm gay, and I'm not going back to life acting like I don't like cock. icon_lol.gif

    I was afraid to come out to my mother and sister.. but once I did, they were totally cool with it.. and understanding even; and they're Jehova's Witness on top of that. I'm now happy--well, mostly happy because I've not found a man yet.. but I'm getting there. icon_smile.gif
    your story is similar to mine, it shocking really, except i came out when i was 24 years of age. But the mother and sister situation and jehova witnesses part is spot on to mine. Im glad ui wrote this really am.