ou812 said...Now I'm constantly having guilt trips about not being who I really am and am getting ready to come out....
I'd lay a lot of the blame for those guilt trips on the world.
I've been out to friends and family since about 20 or 21 but then mid 20s-mid 30s I was with my bi guy (our mothers introduced us) only his mom was homophobic. Didn't know I was gay, didn't know he was bi. And we stayed with her a lot. So I'd be in his bed in the morning and then dinner conversation would be his mom telling us how gay people shouldn't be allowed to teach kids in school. Holy crap.
So for 10 years we lived in the closet around her. Living in denial for her about the nature of our relationship. Now that was back in the 70s/80s. Today I'm sure I wouldn't have put up with that and I hope she would have "evolved" since then. But at my bud's funeral, only his sister acknowledged our relationship. Not one other person besides my parents remotely treated me as widow. And that happened to me twice. I find myself very much affected by that.
I hate this fucking world sometimes. What it does to us. Don't lay all that on yourself. Fix what you can. But that damage inside is what this world does. They so fucking owe us.