Harry7785 saidDidn't read the whole, but, not easy to read.
self absorbed? May be...
it's a strange feeling I'm having right now, I don't know why but this phrase keeps repeating in my head
"he should have contacted me."
Back in the late '90s I went through a series of close deaths: '96, Dad (old age); '97, my partner David (brain tumor); '98, Mom (old age); and then in '99, my best gay friend, Ira (suicide). All these deaths affected me, each in their own way. Ira's was especially difficult because I felt it was so unnecessary and could have been avoided. I didn't exactly feel "responsible" but at the same time I couldn't help feeling I hadn't done enough, hadn't been a good enough or close enough friend.
I had had dinner with him just a couple days before he did it. During that dinner conversation which centered around his feelings of desperation, loneliness, depression and anxiety, I came to the conclusion that I needed to take a new approach to my friendship with him. I wasn't sure exactly what that meant but I knew that things needed to change, needed to be taken to a whole other level.
After his suicide I realized that he had been saying 'good bye' to me that evening. I remember that he said some very odd things to me just before he got out of my car. At the time I just didn't 'get it' but after the fact I realized he knew what he was about to do and was saying 'farewell'.
I don't know that I could have said or done anything that would have made a difference but I felt like I had failed him. I still do, tbh. I do know that had I known he owned a gun I would have found some way to get it away from him but he'd kept it a secret from all his friends. I felt hurt, sad, and angry both at him and myself. It just didn't need to be that way.