Any genuine advice would be great

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    So I broke up with my boyfriend (for the second time) around mid july. We were both far away from each other due to long distance, but he was just being a complete lunatic trying to control every single thing I did over summer. Anyways, we came back to school and I told him I want to preserve our friendship and atleast TRY (I understand many of you think this is dumb, your comments are not needed). I dont believe in cutting ties with someone who has been a great influence in my life, and someone who has done so many things for me. So we've been "friends with benefits" for the past week and a half now. Things were going FINE, until I didnt text him one night because I went to bed early for a lab I had the next morning. He got mad about that, which was a cue that he didnt see me as just a friend and couldnt control his possessive side. He keeps on finding stupid things to get mad at even when I try to be the best friend I can be (and we've had many discussions about genuinely trying to be friends).

    My main issue is that, i cant just drop him for some reason. With friends that have proven themselves... well shitty friends, I have no problem dropping them and moving on.. but with him... I get frustrated when he gets mad when I shouldnt give a fuck! I dont want to be in a relationship with him but then why do I get so fucking mad/sad when he does these types of things. I should be able to just drop him. Im not sure how to completely move on... He is intwined in my life atm... He lives right below me (his stupid idea) and he is now best friends with my ex best friend. Such a shitty situation. Any genuine, kind, advice I can get would be greatly appreciated. I dont need people calling me stupid and to just say "well just move on".
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    Aug 26, 2013 12:47 AM GMT
    You need to be honest with yourself. If you feel like he's toxic as a boyfriend, you need to stop having sex with him. You also have to have a tough conversation with him to set those boundaries. You have to tell him the behaviors that piss you off and point them out every time he has those behaviors.

    From then on try having contact in controlled environments until things calm down. i.e. not at your place or his place, never alone. The problem is you don't really see him as an ex and he doesn't really see you as an ex. Until you do, it's not going to work.

    And despite your protests about it not being helpful, you do need to be prepared to move on. Friendships with an ex very rarely work out, so you have to be willing to give it a shot, but also be willing to ZCP if the behavior doesn't change. (ZCP means Zero Contact Policy.) You need to set a real target for when ZCP becomes your only option. (i.e. - After you have a conversation with him and stop having sex with him, if his aggressive behavior happens again you give up the ghost.)

    It's not really hard. You know what you need to do. And you can't blame him when you don't stop yourself from having sex with him.
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    Aug 26, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    Well he doesnt see you as just a friend, so theres no much you can do about it, if you dont like how things are developing just let him go and keep in good terms with him. You cant change how people are, even if you want them to be or act in a specific way..
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Aug 26, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    The fact that you were nice and considerate enough to pursue a friendship with someone you had a relationship with, says tons about how matured and what a good person you are! but being matured and a good person does not mean you let those you have feelings for, to disrespect or walk all over you, like you seem to allow the ex bf do you! cheer up and look for someone who can appreciate that compassionate side of you; you deserve better, way better my friend!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 26, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    You and him may share a lot of the same qualities and that unconscious reality pisses ya off..For example, as a child, me and my dad fought about everything...Now that I'm older, I realized I'm a lot like him...Something for you to ponder man.
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    Aug 26, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    nsaguysc said Friendships with an ex very rarely work out,


    Not true. It takes time and distance but all of my exes are friends. it took 10 years for one, no time for the 2nd (he was transferred to Hawaii) and the last one took a year but he is my best friend.

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    Aug 26, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    The issue here is that he cannot handle just being friends. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but he isn't. Take a break - stop talking to him, seeing him, sleeping with him, etc. for a while. When he calms down and moves on then try to establish some sort of friendship.

  • joxguy

    Posts: 236

    Aug 26, 2013 6:46 PM GMT
    Taking a break seems to be the best idea. When he text you and is pissed, respond with humor and move on. You probably tend to get in a dialogue, don't, funny response and no more text.

    When you see him say hi, if he see you and walks with you be kind but move away saying got my class, and don't do social events with him.

    Good luck
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    Aug 26, 2013 8:00 PM GMT
    unckabasa said
    nsaguysc said Friendships with an ex very rarely work out,


    Not true. It takes time and distance but all of my exes are friends. it took 10 years for one, no time for the 2nd (he was transferred to Hawaii) and the last one took a year but he is my best friend.



    Thank you for being an optimistic one icon_biggrin.gif. Im also from Hawaii, and the long distance was definitely really hard on us.... in fact, I broke up with him when I was at home. But its nice to know, that time will hopefully allow us to be friends. I dont see anything wrong with exes being friends, in fact i would like him to be my best friend.

    Thank you to everyone also for your input. I will try my best to take a little bit of what you all have said and apply it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 26, 2013 8:10 PM GMT
    The mistake you made was being "friends with benefits." You can be lifelong friends but you must drop the sex. He still sees you romantically. He may even love you. You should tell him this is getting right back to what wasn't working when you broke it off and that you still want to be friends but not lovers. And then stick to it. If you slip, then you will get what you deserve. A hurt lover. Only lovers get jealous.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2013 8:57 PM GMT
    Personally i dnt think the guy is a problem here u are! U are forcing this friendship to happen, u are feeling guilty for living this guy and u trying so very hard to have things peaceful between the two of you, that u are allowing him to take happiness away from you. One u still love this guy. 2. U must have had a reason to break it off. 3. U are too scared to discard him for fear of coming off as evil. Truth is u need to walk away, walk away now, before things go too far. your guy sounds dangerious.
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    Aug 26, 2013 9:50 PM GMT
    Well .. There is no need to drop him.. BUT.. your'e too available to someone that YOU say is overbearingly possessive.

    ..Not a healthy situation for both of you...
    ..YOU have given him every ounce of control that he has over you. So YOU have to MAN UP and set some serious boundaries.

    .Your'e in debt to a guy that just happens to be possessive and controlling??.. Habitual psychological strategy my friend.. This is how people control others!

    .. Limit your contact to Maybe a phone call every other day.. A short one...Set some boundaries.

    Look at it this way..
    He is a remote control..YOU ARE THE BATTERIES!

    MAKE him respect you.. He really doesn't!

    I'm closing this paragraph..and you should close your legs!

    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    Not being a prick..Just being firm..
    Hugz




  • Aug 26, 2013 11:59 PM GMT
    Friendships with exes work rarely for younger people. We haven't hit a level of maturity and commitment to life goals that older people have. So we end up obsessing over little things, creating drama then destroying what little potential left for a proper friendship.

    I have experienced this icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2013 4:48 AM GMT
    How you went about being friends with your ex didn't work.
    Maybe you need some time apart before you two can be friends.

    How's this for a plan? Meet up with your ex to talk about being friends. If he wants to work on being friends, stop hooking up with him. Talk to him about limiting your contact this semester, which should give you both some time to move on. When you see each other after your next break you will have the time and distance to make a go of being friends.
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    Aug 27, 2013 2:36 PM GMT
    Macaque saidHow you went about being friends with your ex didn't work.
    Maybe you need some time apart before you two can be friends.

    How's this for a plan? Meet up with your ex to talk about being friends. If he wants to work on being friends, stop hooking up with him. Talk to him about limiting your contact this semester, which should give you both some time to move on. When you see each other after your next break you will have the time and distance to make a go of being friends.


    Haha, literally exactly what we did last night icon_smile.gif thanks for all your advice guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2013 4:22 PM GMT
    I am sorry for it must be hard. HUGS. Please keep the boundary straight as he is a friend now.