Could use some advice on loneliness

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    I've heard all the platitudes on looking for love: it happens when you aren't looking, you have to be happy with yourself, etc. And i actually believe them for the most part (or at least the idea behind them). I am happy with myself. I do love my life. I have a lot of really amazing friends. I have lots of hobbies, goals, activities. My life is pretty awesome.

    Yet despite all that, I'd say maybe 5% of the time, i find myself feeling really lonely. I havent had anything even close to a relationship in 5 years now. And I rarely even develop crushes anymore. They are few and far between, and rarely last more than a few days. I can't blame anyone else for this. If I'm not finding sparks with ANYONE, the problem is probably something with me.

    It's that 5% of the time that I don't know how to deal with. It usually happens late at night, probably when i've spent too much time crusing dating or hookup websites. I absolutely love sex, don't get me wrong, but in a culture obsessed with meaningless hookups, sometimes all i want is a friend to fall asleep next to. I do miss being in love though, and sometimes I get scared I will never feel that magic again.

    Any advice on how to cope or deal with that loneliness when it hits? Even when I do absolutely love my life, it sucks sometimes to think that I may never find a good match and feel that way again. But if it is true, there must be a better way to deal with those feelings on loneliness when they come? What helps? How can I power through these troughs when they hit and keep focused on 95%-Awesome?
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Aug 28, 2013 12:23 PM GMT
    How close are your friendships? Are you happy with them? I think you should find ways to amuse yourself to keep loneliness away - new hobbies be they music, sport, etc related. Or find some new of friends with deeper connections.

    If you don't like your own company when you are with yourself - then why would you expect anyone else to?

    The feeling of loneliness is trying to tell you something that only you can find the answer to. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2013 12:39 PM GMT
    Like i said in my post, I do like myself icon_smile.gif I do have a lot of hobbies already, i keep pretty active and engaged in life.

    My friendships are fantastic. I am really really blessed in this area of my life. I have a full spectrum from tons of really fun acquaintances, lots of good friends for activities, and a few very strong and meaningful friendships.

    But i'm not gonna cuddle up with any of them at the end of the night either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    You are in the right age range to start long term relationships. Go out and meet more eligible men (IRL). There are tons of gay activities in Chicago to meet new guys at.

    In the meantime, since you only feel lonely 5% of the time - See a therapist? Get a dog? A large friendly pooch. This is only if you are really a dog person - someone who grew up with dogs and has the living arrangements where they fit in. Otherwise, don't consider it. Dogs love to be loved and cuddled, don't require sex, and will always give you attention.

    When I was in my late 20's - early 30's, I never felt lonely when I was between relationships. Like you, I had a full life. But I occasionally found someone nice to spend the night with - not your typical Grndr experience. Maybe if you gave up Grndr yo wouldn't feel lonely when you could not hook up on it.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 28, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    Stop Looking ... Start Drinking ... either way ... you'll feel better soon icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 28, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    haha i did seriously consider getting a dog for a while, but my life is not in the right place to have one right now. However it does make me feel pretty good to know that if i end up not finding somebody as i get older, getting a dog would be a pretty awesome alternative icon_smile.gif
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Aug 28, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    IRFire66 saidhaha i did seriously consider getting a dog for a while, but my life is not in the right place to have one right now. However it does make me feel pretty good to know that if i end up not finding somebody as i get older, getting a dog would be a pretty awesome alternative icon_smile.gif

    If you ever do get a dog, and you live in a gay area (like Lincoln Park - I don't know about Naperville) the dog himself becomes a great lure for meeting other guys - taking the dog to the park, beach, etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    What you are feeling sounds pretty natural - you are happy most of the time, but when you are reminded out your single status (looking at dating websites) you remember what it is that you want but don't have.

    Trust me, I'm in the same boat. For me it's the worst when out amongst other couples.

    The best way that I've found to deal with it is to do things that make you feel like you are somehow making progress. Sign up for a dating site, randomly talk to people out there, maybe go on a few dates. Even if they fizzle, it helps to feel like you are actively pursuing your goal.

    If you find yourself feeling down about the situation, find a temporary distraction (hobby) to engage in until the feelings pass.
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    Aug 29, 2013 3:43 AM GMT
    thanks for the advice guys. i think im also gonna start avoiding browsing guys on dating and hookup sites at night when im tired. that is when it tends to mess with my head and leave me thinking there is nobody out there for me .
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Aug 29, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    Don't get your hopes up in finding Mr Right online! you would be in for a huge disappointment. Real men and potential dates only exist in the real world. Gosh whatever happen to one to one contacts meetings? if online dating sites is your only venue in combating loneliness, after a while you will end up feeling more lonely then you are feeling right now. Besides if you notice most of the online personals are always the same guys. Use social media purely for entertainment if nothing else!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship till I was 27. That arrested development thing Gays go through I'd guess for me. Everything that straight guys go through such as crushes, heavy petting, first dates, first loves, etc. are learned or relearned in a Gay context after you come out.

    Sometimes we do exactly what we NEED without knowing why. After having several really good relationships I wanted to be single. And I loved that too.

    But lately, because I moved to a new city, it's been awhile (13 years), I feel a little vulnerable, I'm older......I've been dating with a real zeal lately LOL. NOT just tricks either! I was dating a hot guy in San Diego before I moved but it just wasn't quite "there" for me. And here in Palm Springs I've met some great guys with potential!

    I had to dial back my friendship with my ex. We are great friends. And I love him. But he can not be a substitute for a real lover. Sometimes we do too many things together. Sex is easy to find, love is complicated. I was sublimating feelings and sex. That needed to be channeled in ONE direction with one person (not my ex btw!). Are you too comfortable and close to your friends? They may be filling your needs for companionship....or most of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2013 7:12 PM GMT
    leo23 saideverything said above is true. i'd add my part that, its really hard to face the moment when all your friends come up with their partners somewhere and you stand alone! (even that douche got one!!)

    Yeah. +1
    :/
    It's even harder when you all go to the movies, for example, and you wind up being the only one in your group actually watching the movie.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2013 11:10 PM GMT
    Most of the time, there isn't anything else you can do but let it pass. Loneliness is tough feeling, but it does pass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2013 11:50 PM GMT
    Loneliness has nothing to do with not being in a relationship. There are plenty of single people who aren't lonely, just as there are people who feel lonely even when in a crowded room.

    How to deal with loneliness-- talk to your friends, yoga, join a club or sport, therapy.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 31, 2013 7:03 AM GMT
    This is coming from someone who practically has no one (I'm being 100% truthful here). Loneliness is a tough feeling to get over and the best thing to do is just let it pass. Usually, it shouldn't persist for long and soon, you'll find yourself back to your old self. You say you have a lot of friends and acquaintances and even if they aren't intimate individuals, you should remember (at least for your friends) that they are there for you and I'm sure they wouldn't mind giving you an ear and just being there for you so don't be afraid to talk to them about it because I'm sure they'll understand.

    I think perspective is the best tool against loneliness. But there are lots of ways to cope with the loneliness. Me personally, I get those feelings a lot and the one surefire thing that helps me get through it is listening to music. icon_smile.gif So I guess, as long as you keep your mind busy, it shouldn't be so bad.

    I do hope you find the special someone. Keep your chin up. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2013 9:08 PM GMT
    argh. I hate to even admit this, but it is getting to me again. The weather is getting cold, and I'm looking ahead at another chilly lonely winter with nobody to keep warm with.

    I've tried to find a guy and nothing works (except more anonymous hookups ugh). It seems there's nobody out there for me and i'm meant to be alone. I'm so tired of this emotion. How do I stop looking, stop wanting this, get the fuck over this?

    help? icon_confused.gif
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Oct 20, 2013 9:27 PM GMT
    IRFire66 saidargh. I hate to even admit this, but it is getting to me again. The weather is getting cold, and I'm looking ahead at another chilly lonely winter with nobody to keep warm with.

    I've tried to find a guy and nothing works (except more anonymous hookups ugh). It seems there's nobody out there for me and i'm meant to be alone. I'm so tired of this emotion. How do I stop looking, stop wanting this, get the fuck over this?

    help? icon_confused.gif


    Desire leads to longing and disappointment. Try some meditation and learn to let go of your desires, enjoy the moments you have of happiness, and appreciate the impermanence of this thing called life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    thank you. it does.

    i hate that this is getting to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2013 10:40 PM GMT
    When these moments happen to me, I either:
    1. Go to sleep.
    2. Go to the gym.
    3. Go on a "date with myself".

    The first and third options usually end up with sex...with my right hand.

    The second option usually changes my endorphins for the good and can result in some conversation with others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    So
    what they say about short people
    --IS true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2013 11:22 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidWhen these moments happen to me, I either:
    1. Go to sleep.
    2. Go to the gym.
    3. Go on a "date with myself".

    The first and third options usually end up with sex...with my right hand.

    The second option usually changes my endorphins for the good and can result in some conversation with others.



    Bwahaha
    How come my "date with myself" doesn't end up with sex? :'(

    To OP.
    I would listen to music and/or practice buddhism, what not. Or practice positive psychology during those moments when I feel lonely.
    I also have noticed that I feel lonely sometimes regardless whether I am in relationship or not. Just like you, I love my life, myself, etc. and have lots of hobbies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidSo
    what they say about short people
    --IS true.


    that we have disproportionately large cocks? well i can only speak for myself....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2013 1:55 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidWhen these moments happen to me, I either:
    1. Go to sleep.
    2. Go to the gym.
    3. Go on a "date with myself".

    The first and third options usually end up with sex...with my right hand.

    The second option usually changes my endorphins for the good and can result in some conversation with others.



    thanks... im feeling betterish after the gym. I think maybe i need to stop using the internet so much and somehow just stop looking
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2013 2:09 AM GMT
    hmm i like the term "cosmic loneliness". I've never heard that, but sometimes it does feel like a longing for a spiritual connection more than anything else. oh god i hope nobody replies telling me to find jesus now that i've said that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2013 12:11 PM GMT
    As somebody suggested upthread, get a dog. In the short term, he'll make you feel less lonely. In the long term, walking him will break the ice IRL. Three walks a day in the right neighborhood and your problem will be solved!
    I know two women who met this way and they're still together ten years later.