Difficulty in coming out

  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Aug 30, 2013 10:40 PM GMT
    Hi all,

    I am a bit confused with the situation I am in, and need some advice.

    I have always had interest in guys since the day i started discovering my sexuality. First, I didn't want to accept being gay, then I tried to hide this fact and continue my life without expressing any sexuality. I focussed on my studies and work more and more for the purpose of ignoring it. But now I got into a stage that I feel extremely lonely and want to have someone to be there for me, and feel excited/happy even when I look into that person.

    While trying to ignore the fact of being gay, I suppressed my sexuality in the best way that I could. A summary in a single sentence: I am 26 and still a virgin. I ended up being so inexperienced that I don't even know where to start with, how to approach gay men, and how to feel comfortable about being gay. I am not saying any of the decisions I made about my sexuality were correct, but with having a shy personality, and with the culture I am grown up with, this is how it ended up.

    In the future, I really want to see myself in a family with children and someone that I share my life with. But with my feelings and sexuality, this doesn't seem to be a likely scenario. On one side, I really want to come out and be with people that I am attracted to, but on the other side, I feel extremely scared of letting go of these dreams and getting into action for coming out.

    I would appreciate if you share similar experience you had, and further advise for me on how you resolved it. Thank you...

    Note: This is not an extra emotional date searching message! I just need ideas from different people icon_smile.gif

  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Aug 31, 2013 12:56 AM GMT
    Why does coming out and being with people you are attracted to preclude you from getting married and having a family?

  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Aug 31, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    I think you titled your topic inaccurately. Really, you're having difficulty being in the closet.

    Coming out is as simple as saying to someone you trust, "I'm gay." You can't have your plan your life planned out around relationships, starting a family, etc. Life has a way of playing tricks on you. Things don't go as planned.

    You're not the only 26 year old virgin in the world. Don't make a big deal of it.

    You can be true to yourself first. Sounds like you are. Then, be true in your thoughts and actions. You'll gain and lose friends. If you're lucky, you'll fall in love. If you're even luckier, your partner will want kids and you can do that. Don't over think it now, as it's a lot of speculation. Live your life authentically today. Open yourself to a lot of new experience. You can make mistakes. You learn by doing. Jump on in before the party's over.

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    Aug 31, 2013 3:02 AM GMT
    My advice: Grab life by the balls. If you keep overthinking it, in the blink of an eye, you'll end up being 35 and still a virgin (which I believe is not that important, I'd rephrase it and say never been loved).
    I know it's hard and we all know it. We've been there. But TRUST ME, and I can't stress this enough, it's so much better once you're on the other side and a lot of the fears you have are mostly in your head.
    Hope this helps and that everything works out in the best way possible. If you need something else send me a mail.

    Best of lucks! And remember it doesn't get better you need to MAKE it better.
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    Aug 31, 2013 3:18 AM GMT
    camfer saidI think you entitled your topic inaccurately. Really, you're having difficulty being in the closet.

    Coming out is as simple as saying to someone you trust, "I'm gay." You can't have your plan your life planned out around relationships, starting a family, etc. Life has a way of playing tricks on you. Things don't go as planned.

    You're not the only 26 year old virgin in the world. Don't make a big deal of it.

    You can be true to yourself first. Sounds like you are. Then, be true in your thoughts and actions. You'll gain and lose friends. If you're lucky, you'll fall in love. If you're even luckier, your partner will want kids and you can do that. Don't over think it now, as it's a lot of speculation. Live your life authentically today. Open yourself to a lot of new experience. You can make mistakes. You learn by doing. Jump on in before the party's over.



    Your situation is common, so common in fact that you should be able to advertise your status on a gay social site and meet guys just like you. Together you can work through the transition period . Its really not much different then getting divorced and then starting to date after 20 years of marriage. Actually it was my experience that coming out was way easier then trying to date the opposite sex after being married. At your age mutual horniness really breaks down barriers.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 31, 2013 3:22 AM GMT
    When I was dealing with this question, younger than you are, it was very important for me to have gay people to talk to. Not hook up with but actually talk to. Sometimes they are hard to find but I think it should be easier now than it was way back then. Look around near where you are and see if you can find a gay organization or community center for people near your age. You can only get just so much 'help' from a forum because we're not actually in your presence.

    In the mean time, as others have suggested, just take it easy. Don't over think your life.

    Just hanging out here and engaging in conversation not centered around anything specific can be a way to begin to feel more comfortable around other gay men, too. You very quickly see we're a diverse lot and often disagree about most everything! Which is kind of reassuring when you think about it. icon_smile.gif

    Welcome to RJ.
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    Aug 31, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    Just being on a forum like this is an amazing outlet. To know there are thousands of men here who are openly gay and express it. I live in a country and community where I can't do that and its a terrible feeling because you feel imprisoned. Having a forum like this, you can openly discuss your sexuality, same sex attractions and feel completely comfortable doing so without fear or persecution.

    Just today, I saw this really hot guy I admired, he is so beautiful, I asked him if I could take a look at his private pics and he did unlock them for me. Now, it can't replace physical in person interactions, but its more liberating.

    When I was your age, I said I wanted the family and children thing, but obviously I was fooling myself. That's not in my future and its a good thing. I am designed the way I am. Of course, you want companionship, we all do, it is what makes us human. It is not good for man to be alone.

    Take it one step at a time and focus on accepting yourself and liberate yourself too. Engage in the forums and don't be afraid to express your same sex attractions. Even just commenting on a guys picture or posting something you like about your same attractions in the forums.
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    Aug 31, 2013 5:00 AM GMT
    Closeted people often make the mistake of believing that once they come out, their lives will change so significantly that they can no longer have the future that they thought they were going to have.

    Note that I used the word "mistake" there, i.e. such beliefs are far from the truth.

    Once you start exploring the whole "being gay" side of living, you will come to realize how little your life has changed. I can't promise that all your friends and your family members will treat you the same when you come out of the closet... I myself have lost a few best friends since I came out. With that said, your life going forward will more or less follow the same direction. You will experience the same blessing and challenges of life as you would have you stayed in the closet... except, once you have decided to come out of the closet, you will have the option of pursuing a relationship that is real and meaningful.

    You can still start a family as a gay man... whether it be via adoption or surrogacy, the option is still there. You can be a career man as an openly gay man, you can find someone to grow old with as an openly gay man, etc... your decision to come out will not prevent you from living your dream.

    With that said, you should only come out if you feel ready to do so. I am not saying that coming out will be as smooth and spotless as changing what you eat for breakfast. In my experience, coming out wasn't at all easy, but I've gained so much from it that I never once thought that I made a mistake. it can take a long time to truly appreciate the benefits of being out of closet, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.
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    Aug 31, 2013 6:40 AM GMT
    look man, let me be honest, your story is common and there are a lot of people who struggle with the notion of not having children, i was one of them. who says you cnt have both love and children? Take it easy and try not to suppress your feeling to much, cause that might end up badly it did for me. start by saying im gay, few times a day and u will be fine in the end.
  • dennissis

    Posts: 18

    Aug 31, 2013 9:40 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for all the great advice and support. It was really nice to see what other people think on this.
  • fredjim99

    Posts: 9

    Aug 31, 2013 11:26 AM GMT
    Hey Dennissis,

    I don't participate much in these forums but reading your post has made me want to reply. I was exactly like you until only a few months ago except a little bit older and reading your post reminded me of me and my situation.

    On the virginity thing quickly first - I was like you, worried about being a virgin but it doesn't matter and don't stress about it. There are so many people like you out there. I lost my virginity 5 weeks ago now I think it was and I'm at least 2 years older than you! The first time was amazing but also a bit awkward but it just gets better and better after that. But don't stress, it will happen when you meet the right guy.

    On the coming out point, like I say I was like you except may be I struggled accepting it a lot more. The turning point for me was all my friends getting married and me just feeling lonely. I finally realised I needed to be happy too and a life being single just wasn't an option. Yes I had (and have) the same dreams as you about getting married and having kids and yes its different and still a worry to me but being gay doesn't mean you can't have these things, its just a little different. I couldn't even imagine going out with a guy but I now have my first ever bf of about 6 weeks and well I can tell you its great to have someone who cares about you and you care about. I used to see couples who text each other all the time etc and thought that was weird and would never happen to me but well if you meet the right person it does! I miss him all the time and well its just so odd but amazing.

    Anyway, the way I eventually came out was by firstly being on these forums, talking to people and reading posts. Then eventually after many months of bottling it I told a friend. A girl that I trust and who had gay uncles so I knew she would be fine about it. She also doesn't know many of my friends so if she freaked out the damage would be minimal. She has helped me massively. Just talking to someone and them getting you to think about why you are the way you are (being in the closet) and why you think being gay is wrong helps so much. When I first told her I have to say afterwards I felt worse because I had to deal with something I had been in denial about for so long, but after a bit it did start feeling better. Then she convinced me to go and see her (up north away from everyone I know) and go to a gay bar. That was a massive turning point for me cause I saw 'normal' people in there. No stereotypes and no weird people, just normal people like me. Then I realised being gay didn't change who I was, I could still be the same person. I read somewhere someone who is gay described themselves as 'a guy who just happens to like guys', and that's me. Being gay doesn't define me, it's just a small part of who I am.

    Anyway after that I told another friend and that felt a lot easier although still tough. Then my original friend convinced me to join a dating site and actually try dating a gay. So after not long I got chatting to this guy who seemed really nice. Eventually I decided to meet up with him for lunch in a public place. I was so nervous and nearly bottled it so many times. But I'm glad I didn't cause he has been amazing and is now officially my BF (I still can't get over that!). I was open with him from the start which helped and told him I wasn't out and hadn't had a BF before etc. I've since told 5 other friends (total of 7 people now) and each and everyone of them has said I really don't care if you are gay or straight and we will always still be friends. It feels so liberating the more people you tell trust me.

    I still have a long way to go as I haven't my parents yet and that will be tough. Also I have to lie to certain people about my relationship as I don't want it getting back to my parents which is really tough but having someone to cuddle and kiss is worth it.

    Anyway, sorry that my reply is so long. That's my story and I hope it helps. You have taken the first big step. The next step (I think) of telling someone you know and trust is a massive and very difficult one but you will get there. It just takes time. It sounds clich├ęd but trust me as someone who is in the process of actually coming out, it really does get better! I cannot believe how far I have come in only a few months (it feels like a dream) but I am finally being me and am so much happier, living my life. You will get there, I know you will. Just be strong and look forward not back. A lot of gay people have to go through a lot to finally accept who they are and be happy which is so sad but we come out stronger in the end and you will too.
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    Aug 31, 2013 12:06 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidActually it was my experience that coming out was way easier then trying to date the opposite sex after being married. At your age mutual horniness really breaks down barriers.

    WOW, that struck a chord! Yeah, dating men was much easier after I came out than when I was trying to date women. The one had felt awkward & unnatural to me, while the other is almost instinctive. And like the OP, at 26 I was still a virgin, nor had I even dated either sex. Sexual confusion & repression were the curse of my generation, that I hope are fading away today for younger people.

    As for some of the OP's concerns, I started way later than him, and I think I've done rather well. Suggesting that's it's never too late, and absolutely not too late at 26. But at the same time, since he's identified his sexuality, why wait?

    My regret once I came out of denial wasn't that I was gay - I accepted that truth totally. My regret was that I hadn't recognized it sooner and done something about it.

    I lost some great younger gay years that I can never get back. Stuff I should have been doing & enjoying when I had the youth and (yes) the looks for it. And worse, I was instead making myself miserable trying to fit into a straight world where I never belonged, the square peg in a round hole.

    As for how the OP specifically goes about it that's better left to younger men here to advise him, and especially any from the UK. But regarding his conflicting concerns about family, he should know that gay couples DO have children. I saw one just yesterday we know, they have a lovely 18-month-old. Both adoptive & genetic approaches are possible. And not forgetting that a loving future husband would also be family, every bit as much as a wife is.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Aug 31, 2013 6:06 PM GMT
    Bunjamon saidWhy does coming out and being with people you are attracted to preclude you from getting married and having a family?



    Exactly. You are creating a dichotomy that serves the homophobia you've grown up with, and doesn't serve your authentic self and goals.

    I know this can't be easy, but you are fortunate to be living at a time when a person's sexuality is less and less of an issue to more and more people.

    I didn't come out until I was 26, and I was a virgin, too. Don't predicate any of this on sex; sex isn't as big a deal as you may think (assuming you are educated about safety.) It's more about intimacy, and mostly about working though the fear inside yourself. I don't think you said if you had come out to anyone? It might be easiest to come out to a neutral person, like a counselor, someone who is, presumably, going to be objective and whose approval isn't emotionally loaded for you.

    You can absolutely create your own life, the life you desire. Don't doubt your capacity for self direction. Make steps out in the "real" world, and come back to Rj to vent and reflect. There are a bunch of good guys here. You are not alone in this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2013 6:17 PM GMT
    In my opinion sometimes people are better off staying in the closet!
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    Sep 01, 2013 6:32 PM GMT
    So, the longer your in the closet the more you spend your life in the dark. When you come out there will be awkward moments, it'll be intimidating, but in time coming out will be as easy as walking out the door every morning. Most gays have to constantly out themselves if they want all their friends to know as they are constantly meeting new people.

    In the long run you'll feel easy going about it. If you take the courage to come out once the next time you'll need less and breath easier.