Is he gay enough for me?

  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 5:40 AM GMT
    I have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me. The problem is that he doesn't know if he's bi or gay. He says he really wants to be my bf, and would drop the bi and just be gay. I love him and care about him deeply however; he keeps checking out girls and commenting. I told him that hurts me when he does that, but he says he can't help it. He has made a comment of having a girl be part of our relationship ,but I think that would be a bad idea. I obviously am not into girls I said, and would demean what we have.I am getting very frustrated, if anyone who knows more that I could advise me, it would be greatly appreciated. Please don't just advise me to just ditch him though, it's really not that simple.
    thx
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    Sep 02, 2013 5:50 AM GMT
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me. The problem is that he doesn't know if he's bi or gay. He says he really wants to be my bf, and would drop the bi and just be gay. I love him and care about him deeply however; he keeps checking out girls and commenting. I told him that hurts me when he does that, but he says he can't help it. He has made a comment of having a girl be part of our relationship ,but I think that would be a bad idea. I obviously am not into girls I said, and would demean what we have.I am getting very frustrated, if anyone who knows more that I could advise me, it would be greatly appreciated. Please don't just advise me to just ditch him though, it's really not that simple.
    thx


    Well, you have to ask yourself a few questions.

    1. Are you willing to risk your friendship with him and actually switch to relationship mode (if you do)? Or you better off as friends?

    2. Do you want to be his first bf ever? In my past experience, and when I had my first bf, I was very unsure of myself. Didn't know if I was bi or gay and what kind of guy I wanted etc. Long story short, I would never have dated me in that phase of my life cuz I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - and it sounds like your friend is in the exact same position.

    If you want my honest opinion, I think you should remain friends only. I think he'll end up breaking your heart.
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    But how can we go back to being friends after everything that has happened. I don't know how to act now......
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    Sep 02, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me. The problem is that he doesn't know if he's bi or gay. He says he really wants to be my bf, and would drop the bi and just be gay. I love him and care about him deeply however; he keeps checking out girls and commenting. I told him that hurts me when he does that, but he says he can't help it. He has made a comment of having a girl be part of our relationship ,but I think that would be a bad idea. I obviously am not into girls I said, and would demean what we have.I am getting very frustrated, if anyone who knows more that I could advise me, it would be greatly appreciated. Please don't just advise me to just ditch him though, it's really not that simple.
    thx

    Let me give you some tough love here, man. You're gonna notice hot guys whether you're in a relationship or not, and he's gonna notice hot guys and girls whether he's in a relationship or not. Why is the fact that he notices guys and girls any worse? It's not. It's the same. What IS fair for you to expect, however, is for him to stop making comments about those guys and girls. It is also fair for you to tell him that you want to be exclusive, no other boys or girls involved. Give him a chance to "drop the bi and just be gay", as you say he told you.

    There is nothing worth having in life that doesn't take effort and/or doesn't require risk. Just keep yourself in check throughout the process; be brutally honest with yourself and with him, because relationships are all about communication and trust. Good luck!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 02, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    mykale saidBut how can we go back to being friends after everything that has happened. I don't know how to act now......

    so are you saying you have been having sex and kissing and the whole nine yards?
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 6:02 AM GMT
    ya, and a whole lot more.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 02, 2013 6:08 AM GMT
    I'll do a +1 with juvenescences ... he seems to have a good handle on it
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    Sep 02, 2013 11:20 AM GMT
    Thats the story of me and my bf and we've been together for more than 3 years. If you truly want each other I don't see the "gay enough" factor having any relevance.
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    Sep 02, 2013 12:20 PM GMT
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me. The problem is that he doesn't know if he's bi or gay. He says he really wants to be my bf, and would drop the bi and just be gay. I love him and care about him deeply however; he keeps checking out girls and commenting. I told him that hurts me when he does that, but he says he can't help it. He has made a comment of having a girl be part of our relationship ,but I think that would be a bad idea. I obviously am not into girls I said, and would demean what we have.I am getting very frustrated, if anyone who knows more that I could advise me, it would be greatly appreciated. Please don't just advise me to just ditch him though, it's really not that simple.
    thx


    I was 10 years in an open relationship with a bisexual but never thought that him being himself was demeaning either to me or to our relationship. If I ever felt that way, I'd have ended the relationship rather than have him live as someone who he was not. We did have females in bed on occasion. I didn't touch them much but enjoyed him being himself. I was in my 20s/30s at the time. I don't know if I'd want that in my 50s. Had he survived, probably we'd have found a way to make it continue working for us, but I doubt I'd look to initiate something similar at this stage of life with someone new.

    I have a friend who claims bisexuality and certainly she's played with it earlier in life but she has since married a guy and lives as a str8. My feeling is that if someone has an orientation towards a specific sex, then not satisfying that would express itself in some sort of neurosis. I don't see much difference between a gay person living as a str8 or a bi person living as strictly str8 or gay. I suppose that could be different for people based on their make up but I sure as hell would not go through life without getting some dick. And if I was bi I'd expect some pussy on the side. Ewww. He said pussy.

    You need to know what works for you, what does not, and honor that.
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    Sep 02, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me...

    Geez-Louise. Could this happen to me just once? It sounds wonderful.
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 2:08 PM GMT
    David3000 saidThats the story of me and my bf and we've been together for more than 3 years. If you truly want each other I don't see the "gay enough" factor having any relevance.
    Hi David!! It's just this is fucking with my it's just he switches everytime we talk. Like last time we were together he said he found a 1 bedroom app. and wants us to move in together. Now he's MIA, sharings not my strong point but I guess I'll have to get used to it.
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 2:17 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI'll do a +1 with juvenescences ... he seems to have a good handle on it
    BTW What does that mean anyway?
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter said
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me...

    Geez-Louise. Could this happen to me just once? It sounds wonderful.
    wow, thanks, this is some very helpful stuff here. Somtimes he acts like he has to pick a line and I think thats where the distress is coming from. It's the whole let him go thing isn't it?
  • mykale

    Posts: 88

    Sep 02, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    mykale saidI have recently "came out" to my best friend of 3 years. I thought he was straight, but it turns out he has always liked me. The problem is that he doesn't know if he's bi or gay. He says he really wants to be my bf, and would drop the bi and just be gay. I love him and care about him deeply however; he keeps checking out girls and commenting. I told him that hurts me when he does that, but he says he can't help it. He has made a comment of having a girl be part of our relationship ,but I think that would be a bad idea. I obviously am not into girls I said, and would demean what we have.I am getting very frustrated, if anyone who knows more that I could advise me, it would be greatly appreciated. Please don't just advise me to just ditch him though, it's really not that simple.
    thx


    I was 10 years in an open relationship with a bisexual but never thought that him being himself was demeaning either to me or to our relationship. If I ever felt that way, I'd have ended the relationship rather than have him live as someone who he was not. We did have females in bed on occasion. I didn't touch them much but enjoyed him being himself. I was in my 20s/30s at the time. I don't know if I'd want that in my 50s. Had he survived, probably we'd have found a way to make it continue working for us, but I doubt I'd look to initiate something similar at this stage of life with someone new.

    I have a friend who claims bisexuality and certainly she's played with it earlier in life but she has since married a guy and lives as a str8. My feeling is that if someone has an orientation towards a specific sex, then not satisfying that would express itself in some sort of neurosis. I don't see much difference between a gay person living as a str8 or a bi person living as strictly str8 or gay. I suppose that could be different for people based on their make up but I sure as hell would not go through life without getting some dick. And if I was bi I'd expect some pussy on the side. Ewww. He said pussy.

    You need to know what works for you, what does not, and honor that.
    lol I was trying to thank you for your help. Sorry I'm new to this forum stuff.icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 02, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    mykale saidlol I was trying to thank you for your help. Sorry I'm new to this forum stuff.icon_smile.gif


    You're welcome; and thank you for your considerate clarification. As to the "It's the whole let him go thing", I've seen a lot of guys here advocate that but I'm not necessarily one of them, depending on what makes both you and he the most comfortable or at least the least miserable.

    Some guys require monogamy but some of them never find happiness, sexual satisfaction or even a partner. Sometimes settling is realizing there is no perfection. Or you might miss out on something better down the line. Oh nooos. Life is risky.

    With my bi bud, at first he wanted just a friendship denying the so fucking obvious sexual tension between us. I told him up front that ain't gonna happen. I wasn't about to give him that platonic power over me. But we were so tight from our first meeting each other that he wasn't about to let that go. And I was okay with him running free. I knew he'd always come home. We got along too well. Two tiny fights in 10 years. It was a great relationship. I miss it.

    I could do monogamy under the right circumstances but I don't require it. Throw bisexuality into that mix--and I say I wouldn't want that again but I know ya never know who you might fall for--my highest priority would be the other person fulfilling their sexuality. I'm not into a lot of sexual things other people are into. That doesn't mean I'd ever want to prevent them from enjoying themselves. So I allow for that in a relationship.

    I think that's important even for heterosexuals--why dismiss everything about a person & a potential relationship just because of sex--but considering our limited number, I think it paramount for our community. I realize that's counter a lot of typical thinking and it is not for everyone, but it is a practical love nature and it can open another door to happiness.
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    Sep 02, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    This really boils down to how important monogamy is to you. If it's not a big issue, then just make some ground rules about fooling around with girls. Like maybe you can allow him to do that as long as it stays strictly casual. However if monogamy is important to you, then it looks like you got a problem on your hands.