Why do feminine guys get mad when masculine one's won't date them??

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Sep 14, 2007 6:17 AM GMT
    I have alot of friends different races backrounds, different personalities, mentalities, but every really masculine guy I know would not date an effeminate guy. In the tri state area I know alot of guys. They just won't. For me it's a personal preference and when asked they have said similar. Not to say they never sleep with one but once the straight act fails they lose interest. It has happened to me as well.
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    Sep 14, 2007 11:56 AM GMT
    It seems that it all boils down to prefrence. Granted if you are sleeping with them and then dont want to go out again I can see why they would get mad. You are just telling them "you are good for a fuck, but thats about it" that would get people mad, no matter if they were masculine or feminine.
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    Sep 14, 2007 12:08 PM GMT
    Rejection hurts. If it compounded by another's inability to look past simplistic stereotypes, doubly so.

    It is as night follows day.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Sep 14, 2007 12:46 PM GMT
    Hey guys, keep in mind masculinity is like anything else, it's realative to culture, race etc. Things one man might consider nelly, another might consider to be masculine. It comes down to the perpestives and comfort levels of the guys trying to date eachother. Just my two cent.

    Doug
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    Sep 14, 2007 3:11 PM GMT
    Well, when I was single, I wouldn't even consider going out with a tenor. Their voices are too high, like girls. Forget it too if he wore pastels. Blech! Or draped a sweater over his shoulders. What would people think of me if they saw me with someone like that? Actually, once I was seen in the company of a somewhat fey man. As soon as I realized that everyone was looking at ME, I dropped my knuckles to the floor an grunted which immediately clued everyone in to how butch I was so they all turned away in relief.
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    Sep 14, 2007 4:17 PM GMT
    could be a cultural things, but is that way also here in italy.
    Masculine or straight acting guys never date more feminine guys.

    on this subject I speculated a lot, actually.
    I'm not feminine or acting like a woman, but I'm not the masculine type at all.
    I don't have problem with more feminine guys though, at least not as much as "masculine" guys have.

    for me is a matter of adhering to an archetyp... is like a self defence, or maybe an inconscious bad link with the feminine part of oneself, or with their own homosexuality (sort of reject).

    I do like masculine or straight acting guys, and I do know why it happens... is just a stupid but difficult to overcome subconscius mechanism that makes me strive for social approve, even if to be homosexual is not seen or percieved as good from the majority of people.
    since I did grow up in this cultural and social background, is obvious that I reacted to my being "different" on trying to adhere to stereotypes, and the "stright acting" or "masculine" is a powerful stereotypes in our cultures.
    the feminie guys could be more open about their sexuallity, at least uncosciously, or could just be that they adhere to the female stereotypes, looking for social approve as much as the masculine ones (at least, even if we are gay, there is a inherent strife to look for marriage and recognization by the society, and adhering to the "normal couple" stereotype is a way to cope with our own homosexuality)


    this doesn't mean anything, nor that the feminie guys are better or the masculine ones are... just I noticed the same too and I couldn't find any other explaination that wouldn't involve subconscius levels and how ones develop their own sexual orientation.
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    Sep 14, 2007 4:18 PM GMT
    forgive my englis ; ; I hope you can understand what i'm saying >_>
  • OutOfEden

    Posts: 100

    Sep 14, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    I think Palicao makes a really awesome point. It is probably ingrained behavior to reject the effeminite gay personality because most of us spent so long rejecting or rationalizing our gay feelings. Personally I don't mind a lisp or lilt but experience has shown that a lot of the labeled 'feminine' gay boys love to be difficult and come with trouble from past relationships. Of course, we also are gay men, attracted by definition to other men, so traditional male traits like strength and stoicism can be expected to be attractive. Personally I'd rather have a grizzly lumberjack than an emo balladier any day.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Sep 14, 2007 5:51 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replys guys. Maybe it is a cultural thing like Palicao said. I am Italian off the boat parents. The men I grew up around were strong masculine men. Not that I want a clone of my self, my guy is different than me but still very masculine.



    I read the skill set thread and I like a guy who is capable. Can change a tire, mechanical, athletic, can cook and do his own laundry self sufficient etc.



    I know it is one's preference but I am always upfront about the type of guys I am attracted to. So I didn't treat anyone like a fuck and dump. Just when i was single I just wished the would lose the "act" it comes out eventually.
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    Sep 14, 2007 5:56 PM GMT
    An interesting blog entry I just came across:



    Until We Accept Our Sissies, Gays Will Never Be Free
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:08 PM GMT
    I guess they get mad because very few guys like being thought of as "feminine" - I remember a guy once dumped me because of that (I'm no queen, but he was a lumberjack!) and it tore me apart for weeks...
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:11 PM GMT
    Blogger got it right.



    Hey, formatting buttons! WOOHOO! I don't know how big size 20 is. Let's see...
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:15 PM GMT
    And there is a PREVIEW button now!



    But I think you meant RealJock not Blogger
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:16 PM GMT
    No, the blogger that paradox linked in his post. It's a very good blog and I agree with the sentiment of the writer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:19 PM GMT
    Or should I say the blogger that 45671_86856.jpg linked to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2007 6:19 PM GMT
    Oh, okay. ignore what I said. :(
  • Nudista

    Posts: 158

    Sep 14, 2007 6:50 PM GMT
    I'm not sure why they would get mad. I've always thought that we should accept who we are...respect ourselves and others...and wherever that leaves us...DEAL WITH IT.

    I have all the respect in the world for feminine men...two real flamboyant guys come to mind at the gym. I always say hi to them if there is eye contact...and then carry on with what i was doing. If they take it farther than the "hi" i'd have no problem engaging in conversation. So my respect is always there.

    But at the same time....there are really "normal-masculine" men out there that lead a very non-stereotypical gay life that are sourounded by the straight culture and love it...and everything about it....including other masculine men that just happen to have an eye out for other men.

    Very simple guys....to the feminine men out there(with all respect) juse DEAL WITH IT. Its like getting mad at someone because they rather drink COKE than PEPSI...its a simple preference, thats all.

    Peace and respect to all,
    AMB
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    Sep 14, 2007 7:28 PM GMT

    Sissies and other gay freaks and misfits are the real warriors of the gay movement. They are the brave ones. They have to fight much harder than the straight-acting gay man we're so desperate to have portray us in the media. While society mocks them in stupid marketing gimmicks or turns them into good Internet fodder, sissies go out into the world everyday just being themselves. No excuses, and no apologies.

    That's what I'm fighting for. And for Devin.


    this is an excerpt (not sure of the spelling -.-) of the blog posted above.
    it really summarize well what I always thought about being openly and blatlantly feminine.
    I mean, I'm not so manly and I think that almost everybody who has at least some brain can clarely spot I'm gay... maybe a lot more from my jokes than for my acts LOL...
    but I do clarely remember times when I did was embarassed for a very sissy friend who acted reeeeeally weird in public...
    he wasn't to blame of course.
    what's to blame is the society who taught me to embarass in that situation, that made me belive that the freedom of expression has to have some boundary.

    of course about a very feminine behaviour, I always came to thing that could be a reaction to something or a way to exorcise I don't know what.
    but I do also think if is that the way or if it's just the social teachings that reside in me even if I'm part of the "different" group that make me think that. Sometimes it's even a sort of xenophobia coming from I don't know where.

    by the way I always thought one must be brave to behave with such manners, a lot more than being masculine or straight-acting.
    Because you clarely distinct from the masses, you made a choice to be visible, always, and that can put you in a "danger" that otherwise you wouldn't happen to meet.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Sep 14, 2007 7:42 PM GMT
    Will I get mad when a handsome , hunky , perfect 10, younger guy won't date me? No, but honestly I feel a little be rejected. We not always get what we want. I think in a gay world, masculinity is something most other gays are chasing for. Masculine guy got all the attention. Probably because they are not that common in the gay world(most of masculine man are straight).

    Personally speaking, I found masculinity in guy as something so irresistable. From the shape of their body, the way they carry themselves, the way they talk , they are rare diamond. Of course , they can be choosy and demanding when it come to their dating partner. I mean, I wont date feminine guys, its just my preference. Other people should respect my decision, just like I respect some good looking hunky bodybuilder (happen once) decision not to date me.

    BTW, I have a lot of respect for feminine guys. I dont hate them or anything. Just that I am not attracted to them sexually.
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Sep 14, 2007 8:01 PM GMT
    I agree with the other posts, but also want to add this:

    Although I may not want to date a more feminine presenting man, I will demonstrate in the street for their rights just the same as anyone else, or stand up to someone in public who is mocking or harrassing any one of our brothers or sisters.

    Although on a daily basis these men do have to be brave, masculine men have the opportunity to be brave as well - come out. When in a situation where you can share that you are gay or bi or same-gender-loving or however you define it, let people know so they don't assume you are straight and they have the opportunity to learn that not all gays are feminine or swishy, or whatever disrespectful language is being used out there in the world.

    example: A co-worker of mine, who I didn't know that well, and I were talking about dating life and used a "she" pronoun thinking I dated women (the straight assumption). When i responded I simply said that it would be men, not women, and went on with the conversation. She didn't have a negative reaction or anything, but she may have had her perception of gay men expanded. I had no way to know how she would react, and I really didn't care, it felt like the right thing to do.
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    Sep 14, 2007 8:08 PM GMT
    I'm considered "masculine" or "butch" by most and also have a preference for whatever is meant by that. Conversely when a guy describes himself as "straight acting" I'm turned off right away...it comes off as insecure and internally homophobic. In the straight world we'd have preferences for girly-girls, book worms, sporty women, whatever. Celebrating the diversity in the gay world doesn't mean having to have a sexual attraction for the entire spectrum. I have my type and can only assume others do, too. Like TigerTim said, rejection hurts - sometimes regardless of the source, I think.
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    Sep 14, 2007 8:18 PM GMT
    Not to offend anyone, but it's been my experience that those "masculine/st8acting" types are the biggest queens in bed AND when it comes to real courage; a big queen, on the other hand, is oft times NOT a push-over because they have to deal with shit all the time for who they are, from gays and straights. For all the boys trying to pass as straights, it comes across as more, not less, fradulent than the real thing, IMHO.

    Masculine men who refuse to "date them" typically have issues with their own ideas about gender identity and expectations and would do well to work that out.
  • cacti

    Posts: 273

    Sep 14, 2007 9:04 PM GMT
    IMO, it's childish to be angry at anyone for not dating them regardless of the reasoning. I mean there isn't exactly much of a loss involved and I can't think of a reason why a date would be owed.

    But I think palicao hit the nail on the head as to why people gravitate towards other people of similar social status: comfort. And great English, btw ;)
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    Sep 14, 2007 9:11 PM GMT
    I don't know why you would want to date someone who thinks of himself as straight acting. These guys cleave to binary 19th century ideas of male/female, and don't have enough courage or imagination to think of gender in a more nuanced way. Let them stew in their internalized homophobia, you can find someone more enlightened.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Sep 14, 2007 9:30 PM GMT
    Masculine men who refuse to "date them" typically have issues with their own ideas about gender identity and expectations and would do well to work that out.

    Jackal,

    You mean dating people that I am not attracted to. And pretending that I enjoy the whole charade. Maybe I should receive Academy Award for best actor. I dont have any issue or any gender indentity, it just my preference. Just like some guy who refuse to date people of their own race or vice versa. I have no problem with feminine guys for friendship. God, I cant hardly have erection with feminine guy, how to work that out.