How do you End a Long Term Relationship

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    Nov 20, 2008 1:08 AM GMT
    I've been with my BF for six and a half years. We have a house in Indiana and another in DC. I still love him. I don't think I'm in love anymore. I don't think he is in love with me either.

    When does "making it work" change to struggling and "beating a dead horse". Relationships are work. But a relationship shouldn't be this much work.

    I'm thinking of calling it quits after Christmas.

    Why Wait? Because, I'll be getting a large bonus in January that I can use to pay off all of our debts and cut all the strings. Both houses are in his name, and I really can't (nor do I want to) lay claim to many of our possessions. By the end of January, I can pay off all of the credit cards to zero, move out, and not look back.

    Sometimes it seems that I've spent years figuring out how to end this. This has been the only relationship I've had that has lasted longer than six month. And I was a kid back then.

    How do you end it?

    How do you move on?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 20, 2008 2:52 AM GMT
    There is no easy way. Only you know what your relationship with him is like now. Does it feel like it's just that you are friends? You get the feeling that he's not happy either, maybe you should come right out and ask him if he's happy. If you both decide that it's run it's course and you do care about each other, then you can try to part amicably.
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    Nov 20, 2008 4:13 AM GMT
    There are two things you have to weigh.

    The first is the well being of each of you. The sooner you get it done the sooner the two of you can move on with the next phase of your lives. Ideally, you would tell him right now.

    You have to balance that with pragmatism. You both share debts, investments, objects, pets, and so on. These things have to be taken care of to make a clean break. Then you have to consider where you will live, your job security, your standard of living.

    So the best time would be as soon as you can make a clean break with the pragmatics. It is tough and I wish you the best.
  • VinBaltimore

    Posts: 239

    Nov 20, 2008 4:22 AM GMT
    And you're sure this is it? We hit a very, very rocky patch a few years ago and I really wanted to end it. We went into counseling and, frankly, my motive was to use the therapy as a mechanism to break us up. All in all we got through it. So, yes, sometime it is THAT MUCH work.

    Any chance you guys can work it out? Does he even know that you're not happy? I thought our problems were as plain as day, but when I went to discuss it with my boyfriend/partner/whatever he was completely blind-sided. He had no idea I was unhappy. Perhaps your guy is in the same boat.

    I would consider talking about what's working and what's not, before you end it, if you haven't already.

    Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

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    Nov 20, 2008 4:28 AM GMT
    I know how you feel, I went through the same thing before ending my relationship.

    You can only decide what the right thing is, but, a few things someone helped me work out was, if it was worth working for and if you are willing to do the work.

    How to end it however is another thing, no matter how you do it, its going to hurt both of you and its going to hurt a lot, but, you can't stay in something you don't want so, ya gotta do it, don't drag it out, sit him down, tell him whats going on with you, but keep it simple, tell him in very concise words and let him ask the questions he'll have.

    Personally, it wasn't the breaking up that was difficult, it was leading up to it and everything after.
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    Nov 20, 2008 4:40 AM GMT
    I ended a 16 year relationship, and I think that we're both at the point that we realize that we're both better for it.

    I used the guiding principle of "am I more or less of myself in this relationship that if I were out of it" to let me know when it was time to let go. It's very difficult when you are so meshed together and your communities see you as a unit.

    Take it slow and easy, and do some talking with each other first.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Nov 20, 2008 4:54 AM GMT
    Crimthann said

    Sometimes it seems that I've spent years figuring out how to end this. This has been the only relationship I've had that has lasted longer than six month. And I was a kid back then.



    Your post is extremely vague... have you been fighting alot? Have you had a meaningful conversation about problems in your realtionship? Why is it a struggle?

    I ran into an article you might appreciate... many marriages are toxic, but many marriages go on "autopilot" and are salvageable.

    http://men.style.com/details/features/full?id=content_7090
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    Nov 20, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    We're practically through with the fighting. It feels as if we're sludging through, day after day. Passion is long gone, and neither of us are the same men we were when we entered into this relationship. We've had the Talk over and over and over again. We've had our confessions and our crys.

    I feel the only reason we are still together is because neither one of us are quitters. We've worked hard at it, but I think its a lost cause.
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    Nov 20, 2008 5:24 AM GMT
    What VinBaltimore and Styrgan said. "autopilot" is bad and all too common. In part because some of us get so fixated on getting into a relationship that we confuse that for the end rather than the beginning. Consider further that maintaining a relationship is generally easier than finding someone (just ask anyone single if you've forgotten) and starting a new relationship (you could end up in the same boat 6-7 years into the next one, too).

    Matt and I almost broke up 5 years ago, around year 8. Counseling helped and we made some adjustments. It's still work at times, but we're in a much better place.

    You've probably already considered all this and you have all the details so I'll try to answer your question. You said you suspect that his feelings likely mirror yours. Why not start a conversation to find out? "Are you happy"? "Is this working for you?". It could be the start of a conversation to fix things or end them....
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    Nov 20, 2008 5:36 AM GMT
    Crimthann said

    How do you end it?




    ..............................................

    ..............................................

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    Nov 20, 2008 5:46 AM GMT
    Crimthann saidI feel the only reason we are still together is because neither one of us are quitters. We've worked hard at it, but I think its a lost cause.
    I know what you mean. It's like being dedicated to your dedication. People grow and things change, and change can be good.

    As I have gotten older and learned more about myself, I am mainly concerned with companionship and having someone to fall back on. My passion is good and never really dies, but there is something to be said for a slow simmer.

    You are still relatively young. I think some guys really don't have enough experience to settle till in their 30's or so. If you must go, don't feel guilty and know you did your best, unburden your soul and surround yourself with loved ones.
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    Nov 21, 2008 12:18 AM GMT
    WOW, I have been here and boy is it not fun. Two years ago I ended my relationship with my ex. The first couple years of being together were great but that last year after we bought the house it boiled down to bickering unhappy people who spent their time in separate rooms. We only had sex 2 times that year!

    While having dinner with a friend she asked me how we were. I laid it out and she suggested that I get out. She suggested it because she could see how unhappy I was.

    So, here is what I did. That Sunday after Brunch hosted at our house I sat on the porch with him and told him I am done. I didn't plan it or anything. Just that I was done. He was really pissed! So pissed he disappeared for a day.

    When he came back I moved into a guest room where I stayed for three months while the two of us went through the entire screenplay of War of The Roses with Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. Fortunately we didn't have a chandelier.

    Anyhoo, after three months I packed up all my things and stuck it in storage. I then stayed with a friend for a month on his floor. It really sucked. Fact is I was not prepared to move out and start over. I remember when I finally found my apartment. It was quiet and relatively unfurnished. The year that followed was filled with ups and downs. Problem is I knew I was unhappy but I was having trouble remembering why after a year.

    Point being, if your going to end a six year LTR make sure you are prepared to walk out the door and have somewhere to go. Also, make sure it really is what you want to do. There has to be no room for salvage.

    Good luck man,
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Nov 21, 2008 12:24 AM GMT
    I think you just be honest. Start with something like, "I don't know how you feel about this, but I think it's time to end things." I think you can say some of what you've said above about not feeling passion, and how you're pretty sure he feels the same way. Sounds like there's a lot of bitterness there, but resignation at the same time. If he's feeling what you say he's feeling, he may be relieved that you've made the first move.
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    Nov 21, 2008 12:27 AM GMT
    Dont keep the Christmas present(s). ... very bad form ... tacky even
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    Nov 21, 2008 12:32 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, crimthann, you must tell your partner how you feel and just do it. I recommend against staying in the same house(s) (in order to avoid the War of the Roses) and it can be very painful in very many ways if you don't make a clean break. Your life (and his) will be difficult for a while, but you have to do it if you're really at the end.

    However, having said that, be kind in the process because he'll be in pain too.

    Best of luck.

    Daniel

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    Nov 21, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    Crimthann saidWe're practically through with the fighting. It feels as if we're sludging through, day after day. Passion is long gone, and neither of us are the same men we were when we entered into this relationship. We've had the Talk over and over and over again. We've had our confessions and our crys.

    I feel the only reason we are still together is because neither one of us are quitters. We've worked hard at it, but I think its a lost cause.


    This is exactly where I was a couple months ago. I just pulled the plug on a ten year relationship. We have a business, home and dog together.
    It was actually a member on here who made me realize how numb and complacent I had become. I am not sure I even really contemplated my own happiness too often until one day it just hit me how much I had just disappeared. Like you guys, we were not the quitting type. I went into it with the best intentions and an open heart and I wanted it to feel the same when we had to call it quits. We cried... and picked up the pieces. There aren't a lot of other options.

    I am happier now but to be honest, there are a lot of days where I feel overwhelmed with the extreme shock of realizing everything I put stock into in the last 10 years is gone. But I never look back.
    We are much better friends now and still have to work together 5 days a week.

    I am relieved and thankful I finally just bit the bullet and moved out.
    Good luck with everything.
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    Aug 05, 2009 6:22 AM GMT
    I was just told by my significant other that it was over after 11 yrs. I feel like I was sucker punched because i gave him chances earlier in the relationship (about 5 yrs back when he cheated with 11 other people), when I found out, his comment was that he was going thru a hard time. His dad had just passed away. I still stood by him but I guess I'm better off without him so I can meet someone who will treat me with respect. It still hurts though maybe because it is still fresh. I had a feeling this was going to happen because he has been very distant. The main thing that bothers me is that he is not willing to go to counseling. I have a feeling he is seeing someone. I feel pretty stupid and nieve. I also really wonder why I would want to stay with someone who treats me that way. It still hurts and I feel I've wasted 11 years of my life. So where does one go to meet other great people? I don't like clubs so that wouldn't be an option but I want to meet someone great.
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    Aug 05, 2009 9:45 AM GMT
    icon_idea.gif shit on his face when he's sleeping icon_idea.gif





    not really, i guess if it's mutual then there should be no trouble, it's sad when kisses feel empty icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2009 10:00 AM GMT
    You're being completely honest with hundreds of strangers on a Web site that's far from private, yet you won't come clean and be honest with the man whose cock you've been sucking for 6+ years?

    If you truly love the guy (and yourself, for that matter), then you'd best sit down with him tonight, drop the poker face and speak the words that need to be spoken.

    There is no need to wait until after the holidays. If you're waiting merely because of the financial stability it will provide, than you're being selfish and need to reconsider. If you don't heed this advice, merry fucking Christmas!
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    Aug 05, 2009 10:55 AM GMT
    Check the post date Tapper..
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    Aug 05, 2009 11:23 AM GMT
    Wake up one morning with him next to you in your arms and whisper " i love you but im not in love with you......anymore"
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    Aug 05, 2009 11:27 AM GMT
    skywriter saidI was just told by my significant other that it was over after 11 yrs....It still hurts and I feel I've wasted 11 years of my life. So where does one go to meet other great people? I don't like clubs so that wouldn't be an option but I want to meet someone great.


    Jumping back into the dating scene right now is probably the worst thing you can do.

    Take some time to be with yourself and get reacquainted with your independence.
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    Aug 05, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    Joecifer said
    skywriter saidI was just told by my significant other that it was over after 11 yrs....It still hurts and I feel I've wasted 11 years of my life. So where does one go to meet other great people? I don't like clubs so that wouldn't be an option but I want to meet someone great.


    Jumping back into the dating scene right now is probably the worst thing you can do.

    Take some time to be with yourself and get reacquainted with your independence.


    I agree with Joecifer. I ended a 16 year relationship 4 years ago, and I tried dating soon afterwards. I'm sure I had the equivalent of a big neon sign over my head that told these guys "don't go near this one!"

    Take time to get your own head together. Do good things for yourself. Take some time to sort it out.
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    Aug 05, 2009 2:52 PM GMT
    TattooJock saidWake up one morning with him next to you in your arms and whisper " i love you but im not in love with you......anymore"


    This is exactly what he said to me and then offered that he met someone he wants to be friends with but they haven't had sex. Based on his past experience with cheating on me that I wasn't happy he was having to do work during the week in another city and then coming home on the weekends.

    The hard part is that he had time to process this and during this time he started meeting other people while it hit me all of a sudden. At least he could wait to meet people until I've had time to grieve.

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    Aug 06, 2009 7:03 AM GMT
    Wow, what a thread - hm, I am a firm a believer in keeping things civil. If you two decide to break up next January for real, talk it over, do it in a calm manner and keep it civilized, no cursing or any comments below the belt. Be sure that's what you want to do, have a place to stay when you move out and keep in touch with him as friends if it's worth it. The last you want to get or learn from this relationship is to become a more Jaded & Bitter gay man (try to take it as a positive life learning lesson). Only time will heal your wounds and help you moving on - hang out with friends, be by yourself, relax and pick up the phone to talk and/or cry to your best friends or love ones if it's necessary. Good luck man. icon_cool.gif