Not out yet?

  • Onemoresummer

    Posts: 106

    Sep 06, 2013 1:50 PM GMT
    Is it weird that I'm 25 and not out to my family?

    I mean my sister knows but I never actually told her and we don't speak about it. She just knows cause we lived together for a year and she'd met guys in the apartment etc and well my music taste.
    My other older sister probably knows through my sister..

    I haven't dated a girl since I was 19.

    When people say "how was your family when you came out" I don't know what to say.
    I feel like If I tell them they don't know then I'm being judge. Makes me feel really bad.

    I always thought i'd come out to them when I was in a long term relationship and that didn't happen (we were together 2 years) but I ended it.

    What are your thoughts...all my friends/workmates know and I don't deny it but I haven't lived at home since I was 19 and I guess aren't that close to my Mum and Dad.
    I think im terrified of what they'll think...

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    Sep 06, 2013 2:22 PM GMT
    I was around 26/27 when I came out to my family. it just was the proper time to do it in my own personal experience.

    if/when you do decide to tell your folks, just remember that you aren't asking for their permission to live your life; you're simply telling them what you are doing. it's their choice if they want to support you; not yours.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 06, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    willular saidI was around 26/27 when I came out to my family. it just was the proper time to do it in my own personal experience.

    if/when you do decide to tell your folks, just remember that you aren't asking for their permission to live your life; you're simply telling them what you are doing. it's their choice if they want to support you; not yours.

    This.

    When you come out to your parents, you will stop being a child and start being a man. If you've been on your own since 19, you've established your right to be yourself. Just let them know. You don't need their permission or approval.
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    Sep 06, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    willular saidif/when you do decide to tell your folks, just remember that you aren't asking for their permission to live your life; you're simply telling them what you are doing. it's their choice if they want to support you; not yours.

    ^^^^This.

    And no, it's not weird at all. There is no official timetable. I was in my late 20s when I got clear on who I was, and my early 30s when I shared the facts with fam. You will know when the time is right for you.
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    Sep 06, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    Onemoresummer said...
    I think im terrified of what they'll think...


    Or are you afraid of being someone different to them than who you'd been before?

    You were always gay.

    Coming out is more difficult than being out.

    92eb6a39-574d-4093-a4b3-b9e6a51e89f6.jpg
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    Sep 06, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    I'm usually pretty sympathetic to guys who haven't come out but seriously, your sister knows and she probably told your other sister so that, by default, means your parents probably already know AND everyone at your work knows. You were in a 2 year relationship with a guy and you're 25 and not married….

    You're doing yourself a disservice by not living your life as the guy you are, to include sharing it with your parents. Your profile is a classic example of this. Assuming that you're not a troll, which at this point is a BIG assumption because I'm thinking that you probably are, you have NO descriptive information in your profile. Why? Are you trying to be a part of the gay 'community' here on RJ or are you afraid that some of us 10,000 miles away might out you to your 'Mum and Dad'?

    I appreciate privacy and fear but you're really missing the boat on this one. Post a pic, fill in the blanks, be proud of who you are and what you've done, and share it all with your parents, you'll only regret the lost time later in your life.
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    Sep 06, 2013 3:47 PM GMT
    Sounds like your family already knows but I think that introducing a lovable face as your partner to them rather than explaining an abstract concept to them is the best way to go. Everyone can understand love .
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    Sep 06, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    33 here, and only recently came out to my mom last month.

    Been a closeted bi guy since high school, dated and fooled round with guys and girls all through college and after.

    Was married to a woman at 26, and only finalized the divorce about a year and a half ago.

    Pretty sure i'm done with women at this point... And met a great guy who didn't want to be kept a secret... Mom's the only family i have and she was ok with it... Told me to follow my heart, and said "men are fine if you find a good one... Women can be such bitches."

    You"ll know when the time is right.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Sep 06, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    You'll come out when it feels right for you to do so...The reality is you're 25 and most or all your family knows anyway. Your coming out declaration should have some meaning to you...Wait for that moment...My 2 cents
  • mitshoo

    Posts: 76

    Sep 06, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    Onemoresummer saidI haven't lived at home since I was 19 and I guess aren't that close to my Mum and Dad.
    I think im terrified of what they'll think...


    What are they going to do, kick you out of the house? icon_razz.gif But seriously, is there any reason to think that they are anti-gay?A lot of parents (not all) change their mind when they realize their own children are gay. I think what you are really afraid of is that they will stop loving you. I doubt that. Your parents will just learn one more thing about you, if they don't know already. And you say you aren't that close to your parents. Maybe this is why? Sharing this could make you closer.
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    Sep 06, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    JonSpringon said
    Pretty sure i'm done with women at this point... And met a great guy who didn't want to be kept a secret... Mom's the only family i have and she was ok with it... Told me to follow my heart, and said "men are fine if you find a good one... Women can be such bitches."


    The best part about being gay haha!
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    Sep 06, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    Sounds like your life is OK the way it is now. You are living your life on your own terms and not asking permission from anyone. As you say they probably already know.

    My advice is don't keep it a secret but don't make a formal announcement. Straight people don't make a formal announcement why should gays feel obligated to do so.

    When there are family functions where dates are allowed bring a guy. Holiday dinners? Bring a guy friend. Weddings? Bring a guy date. This will give them the opportunity to process where as a blunt, dry announcement could be a shock and the begininng of unnecessary drama.
  • Fritter

    Posts: 1696

    Sep 06, 2013 6:49 PM GMT
    In my 40's and still thinking about it. I'm pretty sure most have put 2 and 2 together though.
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    Sep 06, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    Fritter saidIn my 40's and still thinking about it. I'm pretty sure most have put 2 and 2 together though.


    +1
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    Sep 06, 2013 6:57 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    TheQuest said
    Fritter saidIn my 40's and still thinking about it. I'm pretty sure most have put 2 and 2 together though.


    +1

    I see you're back. I was about to send the posse out for you.


    I just needed a minute.


    Don't worry Fritter - everyone will know when they come to our wedding reception. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 06, 2013 8:21 PM GMT
    I came out to my family a day or two before my birthday this year.

    I never thought about coming out to my family this "early". But after thinking about it for about 3-4 days, it just felt like I needed to tell them. And God, am I happy I did!

    I think you "just know" when the time is right. If you don't feel like telling them now, you shouldn't. Whenever you feel ready you'll know.
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    Sep 07, 2013 12:04 AM GMT
    Onemoresummer saidIs it weird that I'm 25 and not out to my family?

    I mean my sister knows but I never actually told her and we don't speak about it. She just knows cause we lived together for a year and she'd met guys in the apartment etc and well my music taste.
    My other older sister probably knows through my sister..

    I haven't dated a girl since I was 19.

    When people say "how was your family when you came out" I don't know what to say.
    I feel like If I tell them they don't know then I'm being judge. Makes me feel really bad.

    I always thought i'd come out to them when I was in a long term relationship and that didn't happen (we were together 2 years) but I ended it.

    What are your thoughts...all my friends/workmates know and I don't deny it but I haven't lived at home since I was 19 and I guess aren't that close to my Mum and Dad.
    I think im terrified of what they'll think...



    I am 33 and I'm not out to barely anyone. Only to a few close friends. It's a personal decision one makes when they feel they're ready. And everyone's situation is different. I don't "THINK" my parents will take it bad, I KNOW it. That's why I haven't told them. And it's actually kind of worse when people think you're straight...cuz then they're more on ur ass for getting married to a girl and having kids.

    Anyway, do it when the time is right. And make sure when you do, you have a strong support system.
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    Sep 07, 2013 9:14 AM GMT
    I did it when I was 27. I lived uncomfortably for about 4 years prior was even in a relationship with a girl for a few years prior. You will know when it is the right time. I did!!!

    For me when I told my parents, my mom was ok with it saying she already knew, my father...well it took him a couple of years to come around, but HE DID! I did lose a lot of friends after I came out but I guess its at that point, you discover who your real friends are.

    Good luck to you my friend, you will know when it's the right timeicon_wink.gif
  • mitshoo

    Posts: 76

    Sep 07, 2013 5:15 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said When there are family functions where dates are allowed bring a guy. Holiday dinners? Bring a guy friend. Weddings? Bring a guy date. This will give them the opportunity to process where as a blunt, dry announcement could be a shock and the begininng of unnecessary drama.


    With all due respect, that is a terrible idea. Onemoresummer, please do not do this. An announcement that is along the lines of "I like guys" is more abstract and much easier to process than "Hey, here is my secret boyfriend I haven't told you about. Hope you guys hit it off." I can't fathom how anyone could consider bringing someone to a family event less shocking than a conversation. If you just tell them you are gay, it gives them time to warm up to the idea of it. Bringing a guy home will make it much too real too quick. THAT would be blunt.

    Or, you can look at it this way: if you just bring a guy to weddings and such, then your family will just be guessing, instead of knowing. And isn't the whole point of your thread here whether or not you should tell them so they KNOW rather than GUESS, which is what they are already doing?