I'm Horrible.. I'm Sleeping With My Boyfriend's Married Friend and Coworker

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    Nov 20, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
    This is very complicated.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and we have a very nice relationship. We complement each other very well; he is emotional, and I am more logical. We never really had any major problems. Oh ya, and we do not live together (mid 20s and early 30s)

    Last year, he got moved into a different group at work, and he started to hang out with a new group of coworkers. Most of them are young, str8, but very tolerant towards gay people. There is one guy in the group, which is married, that sort of got my attention; he has always been very flirty.

    A couple of weeks ago, as a group, we all went out to the gay bars, and he came out to me (been with girls and guy most of his life, but repressed his gay side once he got married). He also came out to my boyfriend, but this guy and I started talking quiet a bit since then (emails and texts back and forth many times during the day).

    Well, he told me and my bf that he is officially considering leaving his wife and accepting the fact that he is gay. So, he is going through the whole acceptance phase and trying to figure out what to do with his life.

    He and I built it up quiet a bit by flirting back and forth in a very mild way. Anyways, we went out to dinner last Sunday without my boyfriend, and we ended up having sex at my place after discussing guilt feelings about his wife and my boyfriend for an hour.

    We went out on Tuesday with my boyfriend, and he and I had sex at his house while my boyfriend was passed out in my place and his wife was out of town.

    Yesterday, he stopped at my place on his way to a meeting and we did it again.

    I am really fucking up because my boyfriend is great, but somehow I am drawn to this guy like a magnet.

    I know what I should do which is stop seeing this guy and confessing and asking for forgiveness, but I don’t know if I wanna do it.

    BTW.. my boyfriend and I have some sorta of open relationship where we’ve gone to bathhouses or bars when we are out of town alone or together, but there are two rules he set: 1. having sex with someone you know 2. making out I obviously didn’t care about those two rules.



    UPDATE:


    As I said before, his wife's birthday party is this weekend. I got a little frustrated, and I asked my boyfriend not to go to the party. Instead, I proposed going out of town for a festival in a town nearby. By the time we are back, it'll probably too late for the party, plus we'll be super tired.

    However, this guy started texting me tonight around 11pm saying he was out drinking with a friend.

    First message, 'howdy; how goes it?'
    Second message: 'u asleep?'
    Third message: 'sucker. will call you later'

    Well, he called me to talk about stuff while he was driving home to his wife. Ugh... then, he was like 'I wish I could go, but it's too late. It's officially her birthday, so I have to go and make up. She'll probably be upset, and it'll probably be her last one with me'

    Then, I tell her that my bf and I probably aren't going to the party on saturday, and he got really upset 'cause he had been planning the party for a while. He was like 'if I stop talking to ya'll, you know why'. And I was like 'you can do whatever you want. have a good night'.

    And then he started texting me again:
    First text: 'Glad ya'll will have a nice weekend. I'm just semi-drunk'
    Second text: 'I'm just a little upset. I wanted to see ya'll there'
    Third text: 'I will miss seeing YOU on sat night'

    Ugh... I will definitely not be going to the party. I am glad he decided not to show up tonight. I am going to start staying away from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 8:25 PM GMT
    Well you are not horrible, but I think you realize you did a foolish thing. Learn from it. That is all I have to say.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 20, 2008 8:32 PM GMT
    You're the logical one in the relationship?
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:01 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidYou're the logical one in the relationship?


    Timberoo saidYou're the logical one in the relationship?


    Most of the times yes... I tend to think to think mostly with my brain instead of my emotions.

    I am not trying to excuse myself; I know what I did is wrong. However, I am not sure where this going to end.

    My logical side says: 'stop seeing this guy, and ask for forgivness; my emotional (and stupid) side says 'hey, something good may come up with this guy'.

    Even before I slept with him, we talked a lot and hang out very often. I obviously like this guy as a person (at least what I know), but he is a very compassionate, hard-working guy with a huge heart. What sucks is that he says he has a thing for me (which might be the fact that he has been sexually repressed for the last 3 years of marriage).

    He also opens up to me more than he does with anyone else; as he put it 'you know more about me than my very best friend'
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:08 PM GMT
    And I've been with my boyfriend since I was 22 (he was 28 )which sort of took me out of the market when I was very young.

    My boyfriend is very low-key, stay-in home type of guy.

    The other guy is super active, outgoing and like to stay busy all the time. He is passionate about the things he does.

    On the other hand, my boyfriend is very 'passive' about stuff. He always follows me and my ideas. Never says no. I don't really learn much from him. He is like a safe boyfriend. No risk involved. Plus, he sends me texts everyday saying he loves me (I am not joking; I just got the 2nd message today saying 'I love you') after 3 years. It is sort of empowering.

    That's probably why I like this other guy. He tells me no; he points out my positives, but also my negatives. He makes me humble; he makes me work for stuff. It's a bit more of a challenge.

    Physically, I think my boyfriend is cuter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:13 PM GMT
    and this is why relationship and open can not be used in the same sentence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    Set your boyfriend free to find someone who really cares about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:16 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidand this is why relationship and open can not be used in the same sentence.


    Do you really believe in monogamy?

    Even in most straight marriages that last for many years, males and females cheat all the time.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:16 PM GMT
    I get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:17 PM GMT
    svengali11 saidSet your boyfriend free to find someone who really cares about him.


    Who says I dont care about him?

    He just asked me if it was ok for him to go to a bathhosue next week while he is outo of town.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:19 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX saidI get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.


    I am honestly interested in opinions from people outside this circle. My friends will probably be behind my back, while his friends will support him. I just want honest opinions.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Nov 20, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    If you are looking for official permission to continue to be a slimy loser, you are not going to get it from me.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:22 PM GMT
    cowboyathlete saidIf you are looking for official permission to continue to be a slimy loser, you are not going to get it from me.


    I am not looking for permission or validation or symphaty.

    I just want to know what people think; if anyone has ever been involved in similar situations; what the outcome has been; etc.

    I am sure I am not the only who has cheated before (cause we all know it is not the truth)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:22 PM GMT
    The only responsible, ethical way to play this one out is for both of you to quit it and talk about it with your respective partners. You already know that you're doing something hurtful or you wouldn't be asking the question in the first place.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    gayeng said
    XRuggerATX saidI get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.


    I am honestly interested in opinions from people outside this circle. My friends will probably be behind my back, while his friends will support him. I just want honest opinions.


    Honestly? You and former straight guy got the best of both worlds, but there's a shitstorm ahead.

    So you have my congrats and my condolences.

    Guys who press for an open relationship need to be prepared for the possibility of stuff like this (not sure which guy's idea that was, admittedly).
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:24 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX saidI get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.


    Yep, that's probably what's going to happen.

    gayeng, people will judged you but they don't know what you are going through.

    I would suggest you talk to your bf and to the guys. It sounds that in your mind you have already made a choice, but you might be afraid to accept it.

    you are the master of your life and no one can tell you who to live your life.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:29 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX said
    gayeng said
    XRuggerATX saidI get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.


    I am honestly interested in opinions from people outside this circle. My friends will probably be behind my back, while his friends will support him. I just want honest opinions.


    Honestly? You and former straight guy got the best of both worlds, but there's a shitstorm ahead.

    So you have my congrats and my condolences.

    Guys who press for an open relationship need to be prepared for the possibility of stuff like this (not sure which guy's idea that was, admittedly).


    We both like it; when he is out of town he likes to visit xxx bookstores or bathhouses. He likes to watch people have sex and engage in oral sex. I don't care 'cause I know what he loves me. I can separate sex from feelings pretty well; he has a more difficult time dealing with it when I am the one engaging in sex.

    It surprises me how everyone freaks out when they hear the word 'open' or 'cheating' when a large number of people do it.

    What's next? Pulling out the bible? Stuff like this goes on all the time; we all know what the ethical thing should be.

    Do people do it? Not really.

    I would like to hear honest opinions leaving behind all the 'ethical' and 'moral' stuff that we were taught all along. Reality doesn't always work that way, and we gotta deal with it because the 'ideal relationship' is very, very hard to get. We either deal with reality, flaws and issues or stay single and insolate ourselves.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Nov 20, 2008 9:29 PM GMT
    "I know what I should do which is stop seeing this guy and confessing and asking for forgiveness, but I don’t know if I wanna do it."

    The shit will really hit the fan if you never bring it out in the open.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:29 PM GMT
    What he's going through is wanting to have everything, but give up nothing. It's selfish and self-centered.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:30 PM GMT
    But you will get that permission from me.

    Hey, I think it is impressive that you consider yourself logical but can jump into something pretty wild so easily.

    Also, this whole story is marvelously human. Who the fuck can say what any one of us should do under such circumstances. I am the last to throw stones.

    Maybe you should tell your boyfriend, over croissant and coffee, something like "hey, don't worry about the bathhouse, I am fucking your "straight" guy colleague, it's hot, (I keep his sweat in a mason jar), and could you please pass the butter". I suggest bloody marys for this particular conversation.

    You are right about relationships by the way. I have been privileged to know a number of 20+ year couples who know the difference between cock and home, between good china and J lube, between doggies and a warm fire and bengay slathered on bound balls — but I digress (all the way if you let me).

    Terry
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    gayeng said
    XRuggerATX said
    gayeng said
    XRuggerATX saidI get the haunting feeling that this thread is gonna be up on the home page for the next six weeks.


    I am honestly interested in opinions from people outside this circle. My friends will probably be behind my back, while his friends will support him. I just want honest opinions.


    Honestly? You and former straight guy got the best of both worlds, but there's a shitstorm ahead.

    So you have my congrats and my condolences.

    Guys who press for an open relationship need to be prepared for the possibility of stuff like this (not sure which guy's idea that was, admittedly).


    We both like it; when he is out of town he likes to visit xxx bookstores or bathhouses. He likes to watch people have sex and engage in oral sex. I don't care 'cause I know what he loves me. I can separate sex from feelings pretty well; he has a more difficult time dealing with it when I am the one engaging in sex.

    It surprises me how everyone freaks out when they hear the word 'open' or 'cheating' when a large number of people do it.

    What's next? Pulling out the bible? Stuff like this goes on all the time; we all know what the ethical thing should be.

    Do people do it? Not really.

    I would like to hear honest opinions leaving behind all the 'ethical' and 'moral' stuff that we were taught all along. Reality doesn't always work that way, and we gotta deal with it because the 'ideal relationship' is very, very hard to get. We either deal with reality, flaws and issues or stay single and insolate ourselves.


    At this point it might be helpful to point out that I am in an open relationship as well. For me, the jury is still out. But don't go assuming I'm throwing some moral righteousness at you. You'll get plenty of THAT from the others before this thread finally dies.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    svengali11 saidWhat he's going through is wanting to have everything, but give up nothing. It's selfish and self-centered.


    I agree about that; I am being selfish, very selfish right now.

    But where does that stop? Do you have to look for your happiness? or should you care more about other's feelings?

    Finding a balance is tough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:33 PM GMT
    Where are all these "open" relationships? I know of hardly any. I must look harder.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:35 PM GMT
    ursamajor said
    Hey, I think it is impressive that you consider yourself logical but can jump into something pretty wild so easily.

    Terry


    I am logical until my emotiones get to me. And that is very rare. This guy got in my head really bad, and it's been hard to fight it back 'cause I really enjoy it.
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    Nov 20, 2008 9:35 PM GMT
    HORSESHIT

    svengali11 saidWhat he's going through is wanting to have everything, but give up nothing. It's selfish and self-centered.