I don't even know why I'm posting this. I just need some advice, I guess.

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    Sep 09, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    I just called my mother to ask for something and she says "I have a question for you, I don't care what the answer is, but I need to know". Obviously my heart starts racing, but I think to myself "Ok, I'm gonna tell her and it's going to be ok".

    She asks "My spirit has been telling me something is wrong with you. Are you gay?"

    I tell her "yes"

    There's a really long pause.

    She flips out on me. . .

    She says "You need to leave that gay shit alone! You want someone f**king your a**?! You want some guy sucking your dick?!" "after my appointment tomorrow I'm coming to visit you and stay with your for 3 days and you better not do any gay shit while I'm there".

    I didn't know what to say, so I hung up the phone and turned it off. I'm crying more than I have in a long time and I don't know what to do. . .

    I knew she would never understand.

    My relationship with my mother has NEVER been good. Now it's only going to be worse. I don't live with her, so I don't have to worry about "her house, her rules", but I do depend on her for money everyonce in a while.

    I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying. Today was already bad to begin with. . .
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:33 PM GMT
    icon_cry.gif

    I feel like my mom would do the same if I officially opened up to her. She has to understand even if she doesn't agree.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    Slim2010 saidI just called my mother to ask for something and she says "I have a question for you, I don't care what the answer is, but I need to know". Obviously my heart starts racing, but I think to myself "Ok, I'm gonna tell her and it's going to be ok".
    She asks "My spirit has been telling me something is wrong with you. Are you gay?"
    I tell her "yes"
    There's a really long pause.
    She flips out on me. . .
    She says "You need to leave that gay shit alone! You want someone f**king your a**?! You want some guy sucking your dick?!" "after my appointment tomorrow I'm coming to visit you and stay with your for 3 days and you better not do any gay shit while I'm there".
    I didn't know what to say, so I hung up the phone and turned it off. I'm crying more than I have in a long time and I don't know what to do. . .
    I knew she would never understand.
    My relationship with my mother has NEVER been good. Now it's only going to be worse. I don't live with her, so I don't have to worry about "her house, her rules", but I do depend on her for money everyonce in a while.
    I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying. Today was already bad to begin with. . .

    So sorry to hear this. I want to hug you till you stop crying.

    If she doesn't have a key to your place, I'd not let her in tomorrow, much less let her stay with you. She needs time and information. Send her some relevant links from Pflag. And don't discuss being gay with her until you both had a chance to cool down.

    Hugs
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:38 PM GMT
    Jesus
    Big hugs
    You will get through it.
    I did and you will--had the exact same thing happen; we were in public; however...that's the way she rolls.
    not condoning it, but...I slapped the shit out of her.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    ^

    What he said. I didn't want to say it flat out but she has to understand somehow. I think a good heart-to-heart is needed but not so soon. Let her come to you after she processes things over. You have done nothing wrong and don't feel that way either. Let her come to you however. After some heavy thinking (probably praying) she will come to terms with it and want to talk things through.

    I know you love her and she loves you the same. Just let her process it.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    Don't open the door.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    Thanks bhp, Shell, Dustin and Neight.

    Shes going to come whether I like it or not, because that's her personality. I think I'm going to tell my roommate what's going on, pack a bag and go stay with my friend for a while. Is that a bad idea?

    I don't want to see her. She was so mad. . . She's never yelled at me like that before. The pflag info is a good idea, but that would make her so much more mad I already know.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    Sorry for you man. And sorry to say but your mom is completely in the wrong. Send her to us. haha. We'll set her right, um, I mean left, I mean correct.

    I'd go with the pflag advice. And I would ask her to respect your space and give this some time to cool down. It's a fair request that she ought to honor.

    Enlist immediately any of her friends or relatives who she respects who you can count on to support you or at least who you can be reasonably sure would not want to come between you and your mom as anything but peacemaker

    And there's a bit of manning up to do. When she asks if there's something wrong with you, tell her that there is nothing wrong with you.

    Best of luck in such a difficult situation.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:51 PM GMT
    Shell saidicon_cry.gif

    I feel like my mom would do the same if I officially opened up to her. She has to understand even if she doesn't agree.


    +1 exactly SO Sorry icon_cry.gif
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    I am so sorry to hear this, buddy.
    The group might give me grief for this but do what I did when I tried to come out to my parents, decades ago. They became very upset (not in a mean way) and a few days later I told them I was confused and "no I'm definitely not gay." Some parents will never never understand nor try to understand. Spare yourself some hell on earth.
    There's no reason any adult has to share his sexual feelings with his parents.
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    Sep 09, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    Lay down the law and let her know exactly what is acceptable behavior from her that you'll tolerate and respond to, and that which isn't: the likes of which will be shut down and cut-off without hesitation.

    Keep the control.

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    Sep 09, 2013 10:03 PM GMT
    oh. my. gawd.
    Your mother is hilarious.
    u wanting someone fucking your asshole? u want a guy sucking your dick?

    coming from my mother I think i'd start laughing if she spoke like that. It's so crude really. omg.
    Seriously, tho...maybe u should not allow her to visit? She just calls u up and tells u tomorrow that she's coming to visit? 24 hours notice? Dayum!

    Tell her you're not ready.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:04 PM GMT
    Slim2010 saidThanks bhp, Shell, Dustin and Neight.

    Shes going to come whether I like it or not, because that's her personality. I think I'm going to tell my roommate what's going on, pack a bag and go stay with my friend for a while. Is that a bad idea?

    I don't want to see her. She was so mad. . . She's never yelled at me like that before. The pflag info is a good idea, but that would make her so much more mad I already know.


    Tell her not to come. It sounds easier said then done (I know) but go ahead and cross that line. Send her a text if you have to and are afraid to call but just tell her that you love her but you just don't want to see her at the moment. She is not going to break the door down. You're grown. She is your mother but she needs to know her boundaries.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    Let her know that she is not welcome if she comes. Let your roommates know to not answer the door if she comes and to not let her in.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    Welcome to the first stage of being a gay adult...

    Now's the time when you actually choose if you're going to act like a man and say, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay and this is how I was born... and I really don't want you to hate me, but if it has to be that way, then so be it." and you find a way to make it on your own...

    or you say, "Mommy I'm going to try my best not to be gay... We'll go to church and we'll pray and everything will be okay.. I'll do whatever you want me to do." in turn giving her control of you and keeping you from being a man.

    Just like I said before... I talk about having my own place and my own stuff because I'm a grown man... My mother actually stays with me in the house that I bought (and she's 100% okay with me being gay) and she also understands I'm grown and I make good decisions. I pay my own bills, and I don't charge her a dime... She needed help and I've been here the same way she was there for me when I was little. I love my mother to death... she is the best mother anyone could ask for, but if she had told me that she couldn't accept my being gay, then I would have told her that I didn't need her in my life... It's as simple as that..


    Now's your REAL choice... it wasn't your choice to be gay (I'm assuming) but it is your choice to choose whether you're going to allow someone to dictate your life, or if you're going to dictate your own life...
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:09 PM GMT
    Shell said
    Slim2010 saidThanks bhp, Shell, Dustin and Neight.

    Shes going to come whether I like it or not, because that's her personality. I think I'm going to tell my roommate what's going on, pack a bag and go stay with my friend for a while. Is that a bad idea?

    I don't want to see her. She was so mad. . . She's never yelled at me like that before. The pflag info is a good idea, but that would make her so much more mad I already know.


    Tell her not to come. It sounds easier said then done (I know) but go ahead and cross that line. Send her a text if you have to and are afraid to call but just tell her that you love her but you just don't want to see her at the moment. She is not going to break the door down. You're grown. She is your mother but she needs to know her boundaries.

    Totally agree

    And btw. You being gay is not a problem. It's none of her business and if she has a problem with it, it's HERS, not yours! You did nothing wrong.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:09 PM GMT
    I think it's imperative to do what the above men are saying. Do not let her come and torture you. You must do what I had to do with my own mother so many times. Say "I love you mom but I won't allow you to do this."
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:12 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter saidI think it's imperative to do what the above men are saying. Do not let her come and torture you. You must do what I had to do with my own mother so many times. Say "I love you mom but I won't allow you to do this."


    Ideally this is the best method for most, but he has to choose which method will work for him...

    The options are clear, either be a man, or continue to be a child and allow someone to dictate his every move in life... Essentially that's what he's doing... Until he takes a stand for his own life and decides his own road, he's just going to be on the same tracks his mother lays for him.

    I know it sounds pretty mean, but it's essentially tough love...
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:15 PM GMT
    EddyGordo21 said
    JohnSpotter saidI think it's imperative to do what the above men are saying. Do not let her come and torture you. You must do what I had to do with my own mother so many times. Say "I love you mom but I won't allow you to do this."


    Ideally this is the best method for most, but he has to choose which method will work for him...

    The options are clear, either be a man, or continue to be a child and allow someone to dictate his every move in life... Essentially that's what he's doing... Until he takes a stand for his own life and decides his own road, he's just going to be on the same tracks his mother lays for him.

    I know it sounds pretty mean, but it's essentially tough love...


    I don't think he was being a child in the first place BUT I do see what you are getting at. It's a scary situation and you have already been successful with your mom -- cut him a little slack though.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:16 PM GMT
    gta5iscomingin8days saidlook @ it like this. even though it didn't turn out good, you took one step forward. you said yes when she asked you because you're doing it for you. your mom will eventually come around to the fact that this is about you and not her. it might be hard for her to accept it but she'll come around. she has no choice but too even if she decides to disown you. if not, you get to live your life on your own terms. hold your head up.


    +1 Exactly. He didn't lie or pawn it off. He told the truth.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:22 PM GMT
    Shell said
    EddyGordo21 said
    JohnSpotter saidI think it's imperative to do what the above men are saying. Do not let her come and torture you. You must do what I had to do with my own mother so many times. Say "I love you mom but I won't allow you to do this."


    Ideally this is the best method for most, but he has to choose which method will work for him...

    The options are clear, either be a man, or continue to be a child and allow someone to dictate his every move in life... Essentially that's what he's doing... Until he takes a stand for his own life and decides his own road, he's just going to be on the same tracks his mother lays for him.

    I know it sounds pretty mean, but it's essentially tough love...


    I don't think he was being a child in the first place BUT I do see what you are getting at. It's a scary situation and you have already been successful with your mom -- cut him a little slack though.


    I'm not really sure what slack needs to be cut. The guys were essentially telling him to be rude and not allow his mother to come there and telling him just one side.

    I told him he has options, which he does, and it's either to take the road of a dependent, or the road of an independent. My intentions were not to be cutthroat, even though in this world you can't really be any other way.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:24 PM GMT
    EddyGordo21 said
    Shell said
    EddyGordo21 said
    JohnSpotter saidI think it's imperative to do what the above men are saying. Do not let her come and torture you. You must do what I had to do with my own mother so many times. Say "I love you mom but I won't allow you to do this."


    Ideally this is the best method for most, but he has to choose which method will work for him...

    The options are clear, either be a man, or continue to be a child and allow someone to dictate his every move in life... Essentially that's what he's doing... Until he takes a stand for his own life and decides his own road, he's just going to be on the same tracks his mother lays for him.

    I know it sounds pretty mean, but it's essentially tough love...


    I don't think he was being a child in the first place BUT I do see what you are getting at. It's a scary situation and you have already been successful with your mom -- cut him a little slack though.


    I'm not really sure what slack needs to be cut. The guys were essentially telling him to be rude and not allow his mother to come there and telling him just one side.

    I told him he has options, which he does, and it's either to take the road of a dependent, or the road of an independent. My intentions were not to be cutthroat, even though in this world you can't really be any other way.


    Cool.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:24 PM GMT
    I was incorrect. He should not apologize for who he is. He perhaps may apologize that his mother feels the way she does, and vice-versa, but no one should ever feel he or she should have to apologize for who he or she is.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    I don't know what to say OP. I'm more than willing to listen though if you PM me.
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    Sep 09, 2013 10:36 PM GMT
    There needs to be some time let things settle, that's the cliche thing to say, but it really does make a difference. Having been through something similar, it really is key to handle things face to face, even if it is difficult to do so. Either way, you'll be okay, you are who you are and that's all there is to it.