Stuck between anger and depression

  • huncwot

    Posts: 1

    Sep 12, 2013 12:33 AM GMT
    First, let me say "hello" since it's my first post here (though I've been reading quite a lot). Lots of useful knowledge and supporting stories, grate place.

    I think it's high time to get rid of my own demons. I try hard but I feel like in a loop. One step forward, two backwards. Really annoying and amotivating. Maybe one of you guys experienced similar struggles.

    Let me share some basic details. I'm 29 y.o., gay, outed to close friends, acquaintances and all the guys I meet around. My family does not know and will not be informed until I finish my degree and leave family house. I'm the single child. I knew about my gay ID since I was 12, took me ~15 years to find courage, break out of comfort zone and start dating guys (I can't call it a denial period since I fully aknowledged I'm into guys. I just did not take any action to start active sexual life and emotional attachment. Long and boring story).
    1,5 year ago I experienced a major breakdown (not only connected to my ID issues) and decided to ask for psychiatric assistance. I was diagnosed neurosis and severe depression. Since then I'm taking SRRIs and attend therapy. Frankly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. Lots of relieve and at last I felt empowered to start "cleaning" my life.

    Since spring 2012 a lot has changed. I could say that I was catching up with massive emotional and sexual overdue. Coming outs, real dates, affairs, sexual adventures, adjusting myself to new … well, me.
    In the same time, I was forced to confront all my well kept fears & concerns. Some of them are already solved - no more fear of living openly, no more shame of being gay (and inexperienced! , solved masculinity conflict. Unfortunately other ones became more and more afflicting.

    As for now, I'm struggling with the following:

    - low self esteem. Subcutaneously I still feel inferior to heterosexuals. I think it's rooted in my attitude towards gay relationships which I find far less profound and progressive than the straight ones. (I'm aware of my cultural "heritage", traditional family is highly praised in my country). I would describe it as unconscious feeling of deficiency.

    - lack of motivation to progress in any field. I came in to conclusion, that if I neither can live ordinary, traditional, family life (which would fulfill all my needs in 101%) nor am I outstanding performer in fields of my interest there's not much to live for after 40. Why 40? It's an "expiration date" for most of gay guys here (the irony is that I know local gay scene for like 10 years, I've seen much, I DON"T want live like post-40 guys.). I am considering suicide at some point in life.

    - unfulfilled parenthood. "Adoption is not an option" since we do not even have a legalized gay marriages. Additionally, child rised by gay parents in Poland would be enormously bullied. Considering these conditions, deciding for gay-parenthood would be simply irresponsible.

    - Jealousy. Whenever I find married guy, who's cheating on his wife with another guy (my bad luck, I came across this type way to often) I feel heavy jealousy, injustice and pure anger - they have all I dream about and tarnish it in such an awful manner.

    - I don't believe in longterm, monogamous and fulfilling gay relationships. Sure, I know guys who stick together for about 10+, but it's more like "joint venture" than relationship. There's no affection, there's common business. Sex is "outsourced" (open relationships) etc.

    It's pretty much all. I'm stuck in a sinusoid, from anger to depression, from depression to anger. I feel truly tired, and to make things worse, I have no idea how to break out this way of thinking.

    I would be grateful for any hints or ideas.

    I was doing my best writing this post but please excuse any ambiguities. English is not my native language.
    Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    You mentioned the one, key word late in your post..."grateful". Most of your post appears to be focused on "what is missing" as opposed to "what you have" for which to be grateful and in a mind-state of gratitude.

    I've found that when I focus on what I don't have, I make myself miserable. When I focus on what I have right now in the present moment, I am grateful and happy.

    Right now, I just ate a 5-egg, salami and mozzarella omelet. And I am grateful. I am happy.

    Remember, you can always "change the channel" in the moment if you don't like what's "playing" in your head. With practice, anyone can learn to identify their current mind-state and know that whatever they are feeling will pass and can change.

    I wish you well!

    Alan

    P.S. The gym helps with both anger and depression.
    P.P.S. Your English is just fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    ^Nice advice GAMrican!

    From reading your post, what I understand is that you examine the outside world but not the world that is inside you. You might wanna consider having introspection.

    you may be interested in this too
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3213646
    I started this 4 moths ago...
    You may find what you're looking for.

    Do not fear the world, the world is always looks intimidating to those who fear...leave those things to the fate and focus only on your thoughts and actions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    I did not read the original long winded, unedited post, but let me give you some advice. Punch your therapist.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2013 1:22 PM GMT
    It does not sound like you actually fluctuate between anger and depression but rather your depressive symptoms present in a manner than includes anger/aggression (not uncommon at all so do not feel bad).

    Much respect for being able to identify specific struggles you have. I would suggest attempting to fix what you CAN control. Focus on yourself and what you'd like to change about yourself (self-esteem, amotivation). I think when we improve ourselves, it improves our out look on society, the future, ect.
  • newlearner

    Posts: 1

    Sep 20, 2013 11:56 AM GMT
    Wish I knew what to say to help you - know that the issues you are relating to our felt by many, many Gay men. A lot of layers to work through. I will say this - I greatly respect the balls you have to talk about these things and what you are going through.
    Takes a man to be open and honest with his struggles.
    So many guys I know keep things bottled up inside and never progress or grow through Life.

    Keep your chin up - you'll figure yourself, other, gay men out in time... it's a journey trust me.

    Wishing you all the best - and thanks for having the courage to post what you are going through!
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    Sep 20, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    huncwot said- I don't believe in longterm, monogamous and fulfilling gay relationships. Sure, I know guys who stick together for about 10+, but it's more like "joint venture" than relationship. There's no affection, there's common business. Sex is "outsourced" (open relationships) etc.

    There is both affection AND common business. The common business is living. It's loving someone so much that you help each other carry on even after 40.
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    Sep 22, 2013 7:21 PM GMT
    Hey there. A few thoughts that I hope will help:

    - Anger and depression are closely intertwined and often one and the same. Indeed, many counselors refer to depression as "anger turned inward."

    - There are a number of hints in your post about depression, including lack of energy, negative feelings, lack of enthusiasm, and the anger itself.

    - I encourage you to consider a multi-pronged approach to self care that includes: getting a psychological assessment and counseling; proper exercise and diet; attention to your spiritual side (in whatever form that may take); and surrounding yourself with compassionate, decent human beings who will love and support you for the person you are.

    Please be sure to include professional counseling, as it can be really helpful in situations such as this, and there's no shame in it. In fact, I admire someone who is willing to grab the bull by the horns when they need help. Real men know when they need help, they ask for it, and they are willing to receive it.

    I'd also encourage you to examine some of your conclusions. My partner and I have been together for a long time, and happily so, for example. Although I get offers from outside the relationship, I am happily monogamous, and there is nothing better than cuddling up after a long day.

    Lastly, please keep us posted. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk or I can help you. We're pulling for you, buddy!