Boyfriend "would like more friends" and other difficulties.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2013 2:20 PM GMT

    Accidentally posted this in another forum, so reposting it here now.

    So long story short here, my BF and I after relocating to the Midwest, have never really had mutual friends. He actually has no friends, as he's mainly career obsessed, and closeted professionally so It's incredibly hard for him to make strong social connections. He likes cars, and does have one friend (guys another car guy) straight, that he's never introduced me too, and only hangs out with when I'm out of town on trips for work. I, on the other hand, had several acquaintances, as well as a couple very close friends which I spent much time with when we lived on the West Coast. Since moving out here I don't really have any friends, and sometimes I myself miss grabbing a drink, and especially miss my best friend- its a very hard connection to duplicate as many of you are certainly aware.

    As of late my BF has been very down, he's actually suffered from this on an ongoing basis, mostly being non-content with life, wanting to make even more money etc, all realistic things. Recently he came home and was in a typical mood, and then opened up regarding his need/ want to have more social interaction. What I took away from the situation is the monotony, day to day, is causing him a lot of boredom. He said he would like to have something to break up the everyday "Him and I and this little house" icon_sad.gif But, I do understand. It's hard not to be just slightly hurt though when he says these things. We bought a dog several months back, and then a couple months ago he traded in our luxury SUV on an overpriced sports car- which pretty much took any chance of taking the dog camping/ family things for the three of us. He said he did that because he needs something to look forward too...

    Next issue, How to make friends. He doesn't really like to drink, and isn't keen on hanging out with the type of people I used to hang out with (Laid back fun people that like to sit outside at a happy hour and have a few drinks and laugh) I even told him that if we were to hang out with another couple it might help him to loosen up a bit, and not feel offended If I have a couple drinks, as in the past he gets a little sensitive when I drink (and I also like to bum a cigarette with my drink!) both of which seem to really perturb him. I explained this to him and then he went on to criticize me on how I obviously can't be myself around him etc... He has a way of always turning the argument around towards me.

    I made all my friends in the past through social circles from work etc, now having moved, and me working out of state, It's incredibly hard to find other partnered guys that would like to meet an have an occasional dinner or drink

    The other issue tends to be, IN some cases as I've witnessed, when groups of partnered guys get together is jealousy- or perhaps one of the opposite couple may find attraction towards another- we both aren't interested in any sort of Drama on that front either.

    Curious if anyone else has any experience with these types of situations as I would certainly like to here!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2013 2:48 PM GMT
    Uncle Sharky,

    Thanks you very much for the reply, I will take your advice to heart.

    I was single for a long time, and had many times played the third wheel.; and I would never be opposed to this type of thing again, but he's the one that is deeply not content (apparently) with "our" situation. His examples, of what he would like, include meeting up to watch movies, and going to dinner. Sounds great to me, but unfortunately it's difficult to meet people.

    I also want to second what you said. Recently he attended a very professional dinner with his direct leader, he attended with "another single" woman who actually reports to him and is on his team. I never make a fuss about this type of thing, but that is an instance, a failed instance, where a connection could have been made- he really liked his boss's wife for instance; had he been open from the very beginning, I for example could have been included in this dinner- and we potentially could have started a friendship? Does anyone agree with me. I haven't brought this up to him, In fact, he's very adamant of the detriment to his position at work if anyone was to ever know his orientation...Which I've always just accepted for him, but know is complete bullshit.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 4054

    Sep 13, 2013 6:53 AM GMT
    join a bowling league, you can drink, wear funny clothes, and play with each others balls.
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    Sep 13, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    It's very important to have some 'outside' activities. Couples need that interaction with others. I suggest you look at for your area and see if there are any activities like bowling, hiking, board games, or whatever either of you enjoy. You don't have to do these together and, in fact, it would probably be good if you found things that one of you enjoys but the other could care less about. Then join and do them.

    It's hard with busy schedules but we're sort of feeling the same way right now. We're over the 'let's get a cocktail' thing and then just standing in a bar drinking all night. One thing that has helped me was buying a fixer upper so I've been busy working on that. Find projects to do when either of you is bored.

    Good luck. I think it's a real problem and I'm glad you're not just sweeping it under the rug. Get on top of it and work it out. Uncle Sharky has raised some great points. This is a good place to get some feedback. Might be good to let your partner take a look as some of these postings too. Good luck.
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    Sep 13, 2013 10:43 PM GMT

    Not sure I have much to add, but I am one that needs to be constantly "mixing things up" to keep boredom from setting in. So don't feel too bad...sometime I wish I could change it but for some of us it's just how we're wired.

    And welcome to the boring midwest =) (northern Indiana here) Although Indy is the best place in Indiana to be. I love hanging out in Broad Ripple Village also the Mass Ave area. There's a really nice Starbucks on Mass ave, where I like to sit and admire the man-candy that's coming and going. It seems like there's an awful lot of it in that area. ;)

    It also helps me to remember that FRUSTRATION is there for a purpose. It helps us realize that something is not right, and then we can work on changing it for the better.

    Your BF seems really driven. Is there a way you guys can come up with some goals and work together to accomplish them?
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    Sep 13, 2013 10:51 PM GMT
    I know exactly what you are going through. I'm also in a couple and I'm the one more likely to lack inspiration and like to change things up.

    We started living together but we also live with another housemate - he's a young gay Brazilian dude. Very different from my partner but its good - he brings a different energy to the house.

    We try and go to functions and go along to any events we are invited to. Together or alone. It's about putting yourself out there and genuinely taking an interest in people. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2013 12:14 AM GMT
    What Sharkie said,

    And also: I know that guys like your boyfriend *can* love, though they aren't "loving people," per se. You need to softly and gradually encourage him to look for other ways to find fulfillment besides money. Tell him you don't need to be rich, etc etc. A change in this regard will take years upon years, so you need to love him as he is, but you should push him in a more human direction.
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    Sep 14, 2013 3:43 AM GMT
    I can somewhat understand the boyfriend's look on the whole "I don't like it when you drink and smoke" and "let's make friends with couples" stand.

    That may mean that he doesn't trust you. I have been in the situation on more than one occasion where I didn't trust my exes because they proved through their behavior that they couldn't be trusted, but I continued to try to make the relationship work.

    I didn't like it when my ex would drink because he would get drunk and start doing stupid stuff. I didn't like when my first ex smoked because the stuff makes me gag and his breath stunk!

    Being that I came out already, I couldn't allow myself to be in a relationship with someone who's not out... just because it would conflict... If you can't show that you love me in public or anywhere else, then you can't show me you love me in private... I am worth so much more than a private relationship...

    Perhaps he has a trust issue. Does his prove that he has been hurt before? If that's the case, then his being "controlling" as it's been described would also be an insecurity defense mechanism. He's saying, "Well, when I got cheated on before, this happened... and this... so I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt again, so I'm going to solve the problem before it happens." I had that mindset before. It didn't stop me from being hurt again... Have you ever done anything to cause his trust in you to be shaky?

    Just a little food for thought..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2013 4:00 AM GMT
    I feel you, we've gone thru most the same things; moving three times now.


    "Closeted Professional" is the problem and it will only get worse.
    You must really love him. Not many guys would put up with it in this day and age.
    maybe start by getting him to read: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort. Then some counseling.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Sep 14, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    Ugh really? He kinda sounds controlling.
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Sep 14, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    Is he depressed? It seems like he's searching for something just to feel "okay" if he doesn't have it he just feels numb/bored/flat. Does he ever seem happy or content?
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    Sep 18, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    Thanks much for the replies.

    He's not a controlling person at all- We are pretty good at discussing and working disagreements out. I think we've both had some negative relationships with other gays, as we all have, and are struggling to find a social niche where we can be comfortable, and fulfilled. All we can do is try!

    As far as work, he just really would like his privacy as far as his career is concerned. I figure, I will support him, and if he is ever ready to make his personal situation more socially visible, I will support him then too.
  • cavecanem10

    Posts: 70

    Sep 18, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    Your guy sounds somewhat like how I used to be and how I used to be with my bf. I was working a grueling travel job (90%ish traveling) and for the majority of my time there, I was in the closet with people and very vague about what I was doing over the weekend and who I was with. I also don't really drink that much (super low tolerance so it's just not worth it and plus I can be DD), and my bf has a super high tolerance and a beer at any meal (even maybe breakfast) is no big deal. I used to fuss about that a lot and thought that he couldn't control himself (he also likes to smoke after drinking too). I think for this, you just have to both work on it, he can work on not caring as much, and you can work on not doing what you know aggravates him (even if it's being a little too 'controlling'.

    I recently moved to my bf's side of the state and have only one remote friend from college who I met freshman year and wasn't super close with. I retired from my travel job and am now back in student mode. I have a lot of friends from college scattered all over the country now, some nearby in Chicago, but I have realized that I need to start building roots here too. I actually started finding people online that I thought I would click with and we've started to hang out, which has been working out (that's how I met my bf, so why wouldn't it work for friends). I might recommend that to your guy, albeit, my guy wasn't thrilled I was doing this, but it makes sense. It's efficient and easy, and I'm 100% committed to my guy, so there's no need to worry about that (although I know for other people that might be a major concern). Especially if he doesn't like to drink, then you know the bar scene isn't going to work out.

    Partnered guys are cool, but I don't think there's anything wrong hanging out with a bunch of single dudes. Sure being 3rd wheel isn't the best, but when there are 2 3rd wheels, who knows maybe something can happen there. Also who cares if they're gay or straight? Friends are friends.