I can't feel the magic anymore

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    Sep 13, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    When I was younger it used to happen often. That feeling where I couldn't wait to see the guy, where my heart would race when I saw him, my palms would sweat, my whole body and soul would tingle. I would think about him all day and it would be so exciting. I remember it colored my whole life and often times felt almost magical and spiritual in nature.

    I fell in love a while back, it eventually ended. I was heartbroken but it wasn't the first time so I was somewhat rational about it and knew I would get over it. and i did. It ended over five years ago.

    The issue for me is that it has been five years since anybody has made my heart race. A couple of times, a guy would start to make me feel that way but it would fizzle out quickly within a few days, and it was really rare that even that happened.

    I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me. Sure I can think "That guy is hot". Sexual attraction is fine, but it feels pretty hollow to the point that I don't even like hookups these days. Yet I can't seem to feel those sparks for ANYONE anymore. I'm a little scared that they are gone for good. Five years is a pretty long time, and while I would like to be in love again, lately I fear that it may never happen because the switch within me seems to be broken. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I'm 29 now, is this a normal part of growing up? Cause if so, that fucking sucks.

    Any advice and input appreciated, please keep it positive though.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Sep 14, 2013 12:24 AM GMT
    When my love life felt hopeless and meaningless it darned on me that I still have me, therefore there was no need to give up my hopes for meaning to my own life. Learning to appreciate who you are and loving who you are is like being a native flowering plant in the middle of a field! who while surrounded by a million other hybrids of the same species, they all lack the substance, beauty, and heady fragrance of the native flowering plant. Buddy don't give up your innate substance for the sake of being noticed or loved by the million other modern hybrid lovers, who for the most part most lack the substance you once had, or may be struggling to hold on to!?
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    Sep 14, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    Thank you for that. It's not really about giving up my own self, and definitely not about trying to be noticed. After five years I realize the issue seems not to be about other people, but more about my own inability to feel sparks and magic for anyone anymore. Not sure why that ability went away, or if it ever comes back, but 5 years is a long time for me to not feel anything for ANYONE.

    I appreciate your feedback.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Sep 14, 2013 1:15 AM GMT
    IRFire66 saidThank you for that. It's not really about giving up my own self, and definitely not about trying to be noticed. After five years I realize the issue seems not to be about other people, but more about my own inability to feel sparks and magic for anyone anymore. Not sure why that ability went away, or if it ever comes back, but 5 years is a long time for me to not feel anything for ANYONE.

    I appreciate your feedback.


    You are not the only one, that I am sure. I had being there and back, but I instead of letting the everyday stresses of life, be it the current state of the economy, the fast pace of life, repetitive rejection from others for being different, and the disconnection we as modern man have with the natural surroundings, and that of our spiritual nature; all these and more makes for a slow death to those of us who at one point were inspired by these very forces. But don't give up that magical spark just yet my dear friend, because if you do what would happen if the love of your life comes knocking on your door hurt and wounded? what then? what if he needs to be picked up! would you have the strength? how would he be healed he you loose the ability to stop the bleeding of your own unhealed scars?
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    Sep 14, 2013 3:41 AM GMT
    We had a thread not to long ago that I couldn't find.

    I think it asked about first loves or heart break and if you were able to find the same spark.

    Anyhow, almost every one that posted in it said their first love, or rather only having their heart truly broken once.
    ONCE
    It hit me after a couple pages everyone including myself said "once".
    Obviously you won't let those sparks fly again, because your afraid of the pain later, or maybe your not blinded by them anymore.

    You are right: it does suck.
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    Sep 14, 2013 5:05 AM GMT

    aw thats a bummer. I've been in love twice. The first one was more intense cause i was a teenager and my emotions were uncontrollable. But the second one was deeper and burned stronger, and ultimately better than the first, but not quite right either.


    dustin_K_tx saidWe had a thread not to

    Obviously you won't let those sparks fly again, because your afraid of the pain later, or maybe your not blinded by them anymore.



    I think you must be right about this, it is probably both, but not something i am consciously doing. I don't even need love necessarily, I'd settle for just a crush!

    Thanks for the input
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    Sep 14, 2013 5:11 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    the disconnection we as modern man have with the natural surroundings, and that of our spiritual nature; all these and more makes for a slow death to those of us who at one point were inspired by these very forces. But don't give up that magical spark just yet my dear friend, because if you do what would happen if the love of your life comes knocking on your door hurt and wounded? what then? what if he needs to be picked up! would you have the strength? how would he be healed he you loose the ability to stop the bleeding of your own unhealed scars?



    thank you, very poetic. i completely agree with our growing disconnect from our natural world. It is really getting harder, but I'll try to hold onto the faith that there is a love of my life out there for me, and i'll try to keep believing in the magical spark for a while more...
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    Sep 14, 2013 3:00 PM GMT

    It'll happen when it happens IR. You're perfectly capable of falling in love; just look, you've done it twice.

    There was a good five year interval between a very serious relationship which ended badly, and falling for Bill.

    During this period there were a couple of smaller intense relationships where both I and the guy were exploring feelings, and those didn't last. There were a couple of affairs (no not with anyone already taken, lol)and a plethora of dates.

    But, most of all, there was the meeting of strangers and learning to understand people and how to find out what they were like, and by doing this, also learning about myself and how to understand ME and what I was like.
    I went out constantly; in fact I had a little rule where every night I'd go out, have ONE small glass of beer (or club soda on ice) and talk to someone, anyone, man woman old young tall short plain pretty buff fat skinny it didn't matter. Once I did that I could go home and a lot of time I was only out of the apartment for half an hour!

    Then one fateful evening at a crowded club I met Bill and.....icon_wink.gif

    warmly,
    -Doug
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    Sep 14, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    It's just Prince Charming Syndrome. You're psychosexually hedging your bets with all guys you come across, after the last surefire love interest fell through in your mid-20s. It's normal and natural. You simply don't want to invest as much energy and time as you used to, into building a lifelong loving relationship, knowing the risk that it just might not work out.

    You're much more attuned now to what a prospective guy doesn't have going for him than what he does. And as you're connecting with more mature men, they're doing the same with you. You're all seeking The Happily Ever After Guy, and naturally the pool of contenders for that title gets more shallow.

    As you approach your fourth decade of excellence, your libido moderates and you become less drawn in by what's pleasing to the eye and more by what's pleasing your ears and soothing your soul. Work on being a better listener, and trust your heart to guide you more than your eyes.

    Don't think of it as a broken on/off switch. It's more like a thermostat knob, on lukewarm, just waiting for the right guy to turn it up for you.
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    Sep 14, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    IRFire66 saidWhen I was younger ... it colored my whole life and often times felt almost magical and spiritual in nature.


    Not necessarily to deny entirely the wonder of magic nor out of respect the spiritual but how often do we find that what we once thought magical now delusional, what we once thought mystical now explained and what we once thought spiritual, mistaken identity.

    When in my late teens, when I was becoming truly a sexual being and not just of the experimenting variety, I'd fall head over heals in love or, so I thought--all the time--with people I didn't even know. Were they my loves who I didn't even know or had I trip over my lusts?

    I recall one guy from my teens who I was absolutely infatuated with, I recall the feeling as some great and powerful Oz, yet I don't even remember his name and I've no idea why I felt that way. In my memory, he's not even my type. I associated that feeling as love yet I don't even think it was lust. I don't even know what that was. It was bullshit but it somehow tried to lodge itself as the standard. That overwhelming feeling, that tangible love.

    In college was this gorgeous guy I lusted for and in talking to him I liked him. I don't know if I ever loved him or if him dumping me two years later discolored my memory. It was closer to the overwhelming love of my teens but never quite that.

    In my 20s through 30s I was blessed with a wonderful love, with being what I call "in love", a hybrid of lust and love with a guy who I liked very much. I was not head over heals but I was taken by him. So many years in the ground now yet I still adore him.

    Then in my 30s thru 40s I found love in the strangest of places, with a very handsome guy but who did not sexually turn me on. Our relationship started with our liking each other, forming a very intimate relationship, a love developed, neither underwhelming nor overwhelming but everlasting. I miss him terribly, so much so that sometimes I find myself in denial of his death. I awaken angry from my dream.

    So I know that's love. I can feel it. But it is not the love of my youth. It is just as tangible but it is mature. I no longer require following the yellow brick road to meet the wizard. I have my brain to think and my courage to risk again a heart born to love.
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    Sep 14, 2013 4:02 PM GMT


    theantijock said, "So I know that's love. I can feel it. But it is not the love of my youth. It is just as tangible but it is mature. I no longer require following the yellow brick road to meet the wizard. I have my brain to think and my courage to risk again a heart born to love."

    Wow, that's so beautiful; so I say, may the road rise to meet your steps and the wind be at your back.

    very warmly,
    -Doug
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    Sep 14, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    Hey man, I can kind of relate to you.
    I know I've been in love twice in my life. It IS intense and one just knows it, it's different than a crush, etc. Like you, they both ended in a sort of heart break after multiple years with each one.

    I'm 29 as well and I feel like now I just no longer am interested in feeling that feeling again. Like I dont have the energy to go through that whole whirlwind love experience, because it feels like it will be exhausting. Exhausting because it's so intense when it does happen. I feel like I no longer feel that spark with guys I meet up with too. I don't really know why. I'm subconsciously not letting it hapen perhaps? I don't know. I feel like I would be open to it if it happened, but part of me feels like it's a silly feeling to have.... it causes me to be consumed. I'm not interested in being consumed by anyone. All I know is, I definitely don't feel that spark with anyone. And I'm relatively social and meet up with lots of guys, but not always for fucking, just everyone I meet up with is usually a nice conversation, some laughs, etc. but I usually know within 2 to 3 minutes of meeting whether I'm really gonna like this person or if it's just gonna be a shallow "date" where I go through the motions....and when it's done on the drive home i think "meh"....

    But maybe if you're lucky enough to find someone who will put up with your shit and love u no matter what....u go with it. Regardless if u feel a spark.....the fact that someone else out there loves you for you.... one should be so lucky? That if u can find someone out there that will be with you no matter what--- then u essentially settle. Because you're a human being that wants someone by their side. There's no spark tho. It's just acceptance that you won't be alone. And for a lot of people that is enough. I always go back and forth with that train of thought:.... i'm better off on my own, but no wait, I wish I had someone... to sleep with every night, do things with, travel with, go to the movies with, hold their hand, hug, kiss, fuck, cuddle, etc. It's nice doing all that. =)



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    Sep 14, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    thank you Doug.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 14, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    Contrary to what many guys in their twenties and thirties believe; there is not a limitless supply of "True Love" out there for most of us.

    You only get just so many opportunities for this to happen in your life; many of us squander these chances by breaking up over trivial, stupid issues.

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    Sep 14, 2013 7:19 PM GMT
    Amazing post guys.
    Yes, even Import shows that he's not the dick he tries to be, once and a while.

    *dayumm, nailed it.

    To the OP, imagine, if you will, being in that "everlasting" relationship, theantijock so eloquently stated and finding that youthful spark with another.
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Sep 15, 2013 12:02 PM GMT
    Ever consider seeking the advice of a relationship therapist. I went through a similar phase and didn't understand what was wrong with me. Did I become so jaded that I would never feel the thrill of first love again? That was worrisome.
    Cognitive therapy was my solution.

    To get nerdy on you. We have this thing in our brain called neuronal plasticity. When we repeat a thought or behavior many times over, our brains begin physically to adjust and change to that thought. It explains addiction. We feel good the first time. Our brain accepts it. Every time we crave, the brain's autopilot goes to that addiction.

    If we fear love or that spark because it might lead to devastating heartbreak, our brain makes adjustments. Perhaps it numbs those feelings so that we won't risk that same kind of emotional investment.

    Just a theory.
    Good luck.

    heartbreak.jpg
  • jeepguySD

    Posts: 651

    Sep 15, 2013 12:21 PM GMT
    You're not the only one. Several years ago I met the man of my dreams. He was literally everything I ever hoped for -- my fantasy come true -- and he was into me too. We lived together and it was wonderful. As you described, the entire time we were together he made my heart race. Just being in the same room with him made me happy. Every day I looked forward to us getting home from work just so I could see him again. I cooked for him, did his laundry, cleaned up after him, and did many other things for him. He never asked me to do any of that, but I did it all with joy in my heart because of how me made me feel. But, then I lost him (because of religion) and it broke my heart. I have not been with anyone since him. I've met other guys for coffee, hoping to feel some spark, some connection, but it hasn't happened yet. No one makes me feel like he did, at least not yet. I'm hopeful that there's someone else out there who will.

    I think part of the problem is that I've experienced perfection (i.e. someone who is perfect *for* me), and by comparison everyone else falls short. It's probably not fair to compare everyone else to him, but it's hard not to.

    I am in no position to give you advice. All I can do is let you know that you're not the only experiencing what you describe.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Sep 15, 2013 12:49 PM GMT
    Loving the responses of this threat! great posts guys!!
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    Sep 15, 2013 1:15 PM GMT
    IRFire66 saidWhen I was younger it used to happen often. That feeling where I couldn't wait to see the guy, where my heart would race when I saw him, my palms would sweat, my whole body and soul would tingle. I would think about him all day and it would be so exciting. I remember it colored my whole life and often times felt almost magical and spiritual in nature.

    I fell in love a while back, it eventually ended. I was heartbroken but it wasn't the first time so I was somewhat rational about it and knew I would get over it. and i did. It ended over five years ago.

    The issue for me is that it has been five years since anybody has made my heart race. A couple of times, a guy would start to make me feel that way but it would fizzle out quickly within a few days, and it was really rare that even that happened.

    I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me. Sure I can think "That guy is hot". Sexual attraction is fine, but it feels pretty hollow to the point that I don't even like hookups these days. Yet I can't seem to feel those sparks for ANYONE anymore. I'm a little scared that they are gone for good. Five years is a pretty long time, and while I would like to be in love again, lately I fear that it may never happen because the switch within me seems to be broken. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I'm 29 now, is this a normal part of growing up? Cause if so, that fucking sucks.

    Any advice and input appreciated, please keep it positive though.


    It does have to be more difficult without a head.

    icon_wink.gificon_smile.gif
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    Sep 15, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    IRFire66 saidMy heart would race when I saw him, my palms would sweat, my whole body and soul would tingle. I would think about him all day and it would be so exciting. I remember it colored my whole life and often times felt almost magical and spiritual in nature.


    It's good not to feel this anymore. This kind of feeling is about a lot of things: sex, mystery, romance. But I'm not sure it's about love. Love is quieter, I think, more grounded, more patient.

    Maybe not feeling that means that you're in a mature place where a more rooted, sustainable love is possible--where you can see a man as he actually is, and connect to him not because of tingling, but because he earns your respect and admiration . . . less magical, more durable.
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    Sep 15, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    RunnerBen said
    IRFire66 saidMy heart would race when I saw him, my palms would sweat, my whole body and soul would tingle. I would think about him all day and it would be so exciting. I remember it colored my whole life and often times felt almost magical and spiritual in nature.


    It's good not to feel this anymore. This kind of feeling is about a lot of things: sex, mystery, romance. But I'm not sure it's about love. Love is quieter, I think, more grounded, more patient.

    Maybe not feeling that means that you're in a mature place where a more rooted, sustainable love is possible--where you can see a man as he actually is, and connect to him not because of tingling, but because he earns your respect and admiration . . . less magical, more durable.


    +1
    Totally agree with this! It's part of growing up and experiencing life at much more deeper level. I mean considering the fact that I'm only 25 and have never been in a relationship before but I too experience the same loss of (so called magic!)as you do. I like to see it as a positive sign. But here is a caveat to all of this: Just don't get too set in your own ways and become too rigid. This is what happens to most of us as we start getting older/ and comfortable with ourselves. "I don't like this", "I don't do that", "I don't wanna deal with this", "That is completely not me", "I can never accept that". Don't misunderstand me it's great to have a moral framework. But as Love matures it's also very important to be understanding and make compromises for the right person. Your mind needs to be strong and flexible at the same time.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 15, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    lol Hey guys, those who think it can't happen after that first, sublime perfect first love, got news for you. It can. Got the speeding tickets to prove it. Would drive in crazy storms after working a full day just to arrive at midnight when he had to be on set at 6am. Got the full pain in the chest every time I left him making me want to cry to sad, sappy music. Did the sloppy fuck in the mirrors in the bathroom with clothes at our feet two seconds after meeting up because we couldn't wait. Lay in each others arms in the car before leaving because we couldn't bear the thought of parting. And I'm not a kid. Watch for it, guys. It can happen. Again.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 15, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidlol Hey guys, those who think it can't happen after that first, sublime perfect first love, got news for you. It can. Got the speeding tickets to prove it. Would drive in crazy storms after working a full day just to arrive at midnight when he had to be on set at 6am. Got the full pain in the chest every time I left him making me want to cry to sad, sappy music. Did the sloppy fuck in the mirrors in the bathroom with clothes at our feet two seconds after meeting up because we couldn't wait. Lay in each others arms in the car before leaving because we couldn't bear the thought of parting. And I'm not a kid. Watch for it, guys. It can happen. Again.





    Here's Hoping that lightning can indeed strike twice in my life icon_exclaim.gif
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    Sep 15, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    You might want to get a physical and have your testosterone level checked.....I experienced what you described in my early 40s where I couldn't get interested in anyone and I also noticed I was tired a lot. Discovered I had very low T levels.....got that fixed and found it made a huge difference.
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    Sep 15, 2013 4:31 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI haven't felt that in longer than that. My last LTR ended six and a half years ago; I haven't felt anything for a guy since then.


    Whew! Glad to know i'm not alone in this boat.