Is the choice between being masculine or feminine really a choice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2013 2:27 PM GMT
    And by masc/fem, I don't mean how deep your voice is or whether you are skinny/musc.

    Had an interesting conversation with a date recently about this. He thinks it is a 100% choice whereas I think it is a combination of choice and childhood influences.

  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Sep 15, 2013 2:29 PM GMT
    It's not. Feminine gays can't help who they are. Neither can the Masculine ones. You just have to learn to love and accept how you are.
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    Sep 15, 2013 2:33 PM GMT
    You are who you are, I believe. You can alter outward behaviours, which I believe works when it's in regards to learned behaviours. Sometimes, as well, behaviours are acquired in order to feel 'part of' a group.
    However, what's natural to you is natural to you and inside I don't think that changes.
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    Sep 15, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidIt's not. Feminine gays can't help who they are. Neither can the Masculine ones. You just have to learn to love and accept how you are.

    this
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    Sep 15, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    i was fem when i was a kid but i wanted to change so i tried to become more masculine. by the time i graduated hs, i was full on dl closet mode.
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    Sep 15, 2013 3:14 PM GMT
    I would say it's not a choice.
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    Sep 15, 2013 3:29 PM GMT
    I have strong feeling that both nature & nurture plays a role in our development.
    Some are born this way and some become that way due to the environment they live in. For ex: growing up in a family where majority of the members especially the siblings are female.
    So, is it a choice?
    Most likely not.

    I have a suggestion for you OP, If your date thinks it's 100% choice...why not ask him to choose to be the one which he is not and stay that way for a day/week. I don't think it'll work.
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    Sep 15, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    The only choice is repression.
    Force or be forced, to 'act' a certain way, a way acceptable to those around you.
    My hats off to those who refuse early on, even encouraged to be who they are.

    It is crazy to watch the transformation when a butch dude comes out and all at once he totally campy.
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    Sep 15, 2013 4:56 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidIt is crazy to watch the transformation when a butch dude comes out and all at once he totally campy.


    And in both cases it's because he's living up, or down, to what he believes is "expected." This happens more often than not. Lots and lots of "regular guys" take a flying ballet leap out of the closet and carry stereotypes to the extreme. In a matter of days, "Hey, how's it goin', dude? Lookin' good!" morphs into "HI-I-I-I-I-I-I, aren't YOU fearth (fierce) today?!"

    But this isn't the same as innate masculine or feminine behavior, which everybody across the Kinsey spectrum possesses to some degree. The only choice, as has been written already, is how far to take it or modify it.
  • ScRaPiNgLoVe

    Posts: 42

    Sep 15, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    It is not a matter of choice at all.
    I think one's behaviour is characterised by childhood influences as well apart from genetic acquisition.
    He is the way he is and he is not the way he is not.
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Sep 15, 2013 5:35 PM GMT
    masc/fem are all just other people perceptions of one's mannerisms/choices.

    That being said, to a person with self-awareness, yes, masc/fem is a series of mostly subconscious choices.
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    Sep 15, 2013 11:35 PM GMT
    It definitely has to do with your childhood but I think you can change your mannerisms to a great degree. When I was a younger teen, I was pretty feminine in the way I talked, walked, how long my hair was, etc. As I got older, I cut my hair, started working out, and decided being gay didn't change my Southern upbringing and I wasn't gonna be one of those limp-wristed fembois.
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    Sep 22, 2013 10:34 PM GMT
    Avsigkommen saidIt definitely has to do with your childhood but I think you can change your mannerisms to a great degree. When I was a younger teen, I was pretty feminine in the way I talked, walked, how long my hair was, etc. As I got older, I cut my hair, started working out, and decided being gay didn't change my Southern upbringing and I wasn't gonna be one of those limp-wristed fembois.


    Do you feel that you are feminine on the inside but just constantly self-correcting/editing though?
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    Sep 22, 2013 10:44 PM GMT
    hmmm it depends. Growing up as a kid I had a lot of female friends, and all female household so i took on a lot of mannerisms. however, during high school i gained a lot of guy friends and shortly became a guys guys. I definitely think it depends on influence. but some things might resonate better than others.. a lot of people i grew up around were hotheads and yet I always appealed to those more calm and analytical
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    Sep 22, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    Myol saidAnd by masc/fem, I don't mean how deep your voice is or whether you are skinny/musc.

    Had an interesting conversation with a date recently about this. He thinks it is a 100% choice whereas I think it is a combination of choice and childhood influences.



    I don't think it is a choice. I find fem men are very strong minded when it comes to their identity and they don't care who likes it or lump it! They be themselves and live life according to what makes them happy.
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Sep 22, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    I think it is, this doesn't go for gay people either but I think it applies to almost everybody. I think most people act the way they do because they're either trying to seek acceptance and belonging while avoiding disapproval or judgement, straight or gay. Straight guys are not allowed to show fear, cry, etc. while the women aren't allowed to brash, masculine, etc. I think everybody naturally has feminine and masculine characteristics. I think a lot of the more spontaneous, free acting people I've met tended to be more androgynous, both feminine and masculine.
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    Sep 22, 2013 11:54 PM GMT
    I think upbring, environment and experiences have a lot to do with it. For example, If you do not have a strong male role model in your life it might have a bearing, if you were not pushed into sports you may be less masculine...and no you do not have to be into sports to be masculine, just an example. How you fit in with the crowd in high school could have something to do with it, were you ostracized, did you have more female friends than male. Lots of that early growing up period both in the home and at school play into everything and could push individuals in one direction
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    What does masculine and feminine even mean?
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:06 AM GMT
    I dont see why you all think its a choice. Who decides they enjoy being beat up and picked on for being feminine ???? And also i see there is this stigma against feminine gays that fem gays are the " mean bitchy " ones, From what I've witnessed Masculine gay men can be just as viscous and mean as the fem ones.... double standards,hell my first boyfriend when i was in high school was a football player and he was masculine and guess what, he had many nasty qualities to his personality without even having to complicate it with " femininity ".
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:11 AM GMT
    It's not a choice. But can certainly be faked.
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    xrichx saidIt's not a choice. But can certainly be faked.


    We're on the same level. I might add that beauty is in the eye of the beholder also. Would it be more one way than the other in film as their choice of role orin their career or public manerisms? You can still brag about a successful sexual awakening elegantly.
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:36 AM GMT
    Masc or fem is definitely not a choice, but Diva is
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:43 AM GMT
    Personally I think it is important to try and embody both types in some part of your life. I have had periods of my life where I was predominately one more than the other although i always always pretty boyish.

    It does depend on your role models early growing up a lot, and I have witnessed many feminine men who clearly identified with females more growing up which is why they act the way they do. Although I know some that are just innately more feminine but in a less polarizing way, instead they are just instinctual and more gravitational to that kind of expression and it's obvious that that is just who they are. The later in my opinion is a much more natural way of expressing and understanding your own affinity.

    The guys in my opinion who are on the extroverted side of being incredibly feminine to the point where they can be a bit judge mental, bitchy and/or superficial clearly identified with the exaggerated kind of females growing up.

    Overall be whatever you want just be respectful and kind to people around you. it doesn't matter who you identify more with, just be a kind human who tries to carry that out to the best of your ability.
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:48 AM GMT
    Myol saidAnd by masc/fem, I don't mean how deep your voice is or whether you are skinny/musc.

    Had an interesting conversation with a date recently about this. He thinks it is a 100% choice whereas I think it is a combination of choice and childhood influences.



    Yes and no. Much of it is innate to who a person is. Having said that, there have been several guys I've known that were masculine when they were pretending to be straight, only to become big old queens (not judging) within a year after they came out. Two of those guys later admitted they acted more feminine to fit in. It certainly makes sense, since a lot of gay guys try to act more masculine to fit in before they came out.

    The moral of the story is who gives a fuck? Just be yourself. Who cares what you are? Just own it.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 23, 2013 12:48 AM GMT
    I yam what I yam.
    It's definitely not a choice.
    But, I've seen more effeminate guys put on a show of butchness, when they wanted to.