Rubbing hurt in ones face.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:35 AM GMT
    Why is it that when you date someone and things end, do they feel the need to rub it in your face?

    First bf (fat guy) rubbed it in my face that after I dumped him, he was dating a millionaire.

    Second bf (twink) thanked me for being the only guy to top him because now he loved it and gets it from many guys.

    The rest have felt the need to bring up the new person in theirs lives, what is worst is how fast they move on after they said they loved me. One even said
    " hey buddy how are you man, as for me, I have the love of my life, I really like him, think he is the one."

    Seriously this was three days after we broke up because he couldn't believe that I just wanted him. He had issues with his looks and didn't understand why I was with him. This is why I've been single for two years, I was fed up with the drama and bullshit games. I told myself that I'd never get involved again. Ha-Ha that didn't happen, I met someone and couldn't help but fall for him, was actually in love. Once again games started, games all around us like we were chess pieces.

    So what's the point in these games? why do guys have to get so petty and weird? I understand being hurt but rather then let things go, one has to continue the hurt. (not pointing fingers, just general question about why guys do that)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:49 AM GMT
    You only have control over you.

    From what you wrote, you pick losers. Maybe hot cute losers but losers nonetheless.

    You need to understand why you pick these guys. What made you pick these guys? Did they have something you think you lack? We ALL do that. But we all should learn from those mistakes. Really learn. Saying the guy was a dick or a jerk or whatever may be true but it teaches you nothing to learn about yourself. What did you need from them?

    Everyone, no matter how old or young, makes mistakes in love. We all do, you are definitely not alone. But the important thing is to learn from each mistake. Why him? Why did I pick him? What did I lack? Where did I think he would complete me?

    Falling for the wrong guy is no failure. Not learning is. So learn from it. Learn your weaknesses, and work to improve that area. Believe me, those losers are not very happy people anyway. It is good you found that out now.

    Talk to friends. They usually see the losers we date before we do. Be honest with them and yourself. Be brutally honest and ask them what you need to be a better person and how you can improve. So, that next time you will see the mistakes before you make them.

    Otherwise, just be a good decent honest guy. Another good guy will find you.

    JW
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 7:03 AM GMT
    thank you man....

    here is the thing though...

    The first two guys, I was new to dating, I didnt know what I wanted since I never been on a date. I was 19 and these guys were funny, nice, and sweet.
    They weren't attractive, looks wise but I didn't care about that. It's to bad that their personality was fake, it was only a lie to get me. You can only lie about who you are for so long before the truth comes out. I am myself and if someone doesn't like it, I can't help but me me.

    Dated two really hot guys, that is all they had. Once I came around, I was like competition to them. They were the guy everyone stared at all the time. Once I went to my first gay bar with them, I was stared at and they got jealous.

    I wouldn't call them losers but they seem to blame you for their problems or people around you. I had a friend that fucked up two relationships. This friend is used to no one turning him down. I'm not one to just have sex so I turned him down. I was told I was the first to turn him down. He began to become obsessed and wouldn't leave alone. Fun guy to hang with but his motives where only to get in my pants. It was my mistake for showing him pics of my guy. I don't date much so having an interest in someone is very rare for me. This friend would message my guy trying to sleep with him and tried to get dirt on him for other guys on the site. I found out this guy was playing me and trying to get with others, tried to get with this friend. I thanked him for exposing this guy but still the drama that came along was awful. This time around I actually feel in love. Once again I make the mistake to tell show my friend the guy. He once again tries to make my guy cheat on me. He would message him all the time, even got another dude involved. The other guy wised up and didnt want to play the game. Sadly my guy didn't believe me, blammed me for both of them. I questione my dude about things he was doing, thats all, never believed anything wrong about him. I was dissed and right after he already had a new guy that he is happy with, right fucking after me.

    I really hope I don't get back lash from this, just trying to understand things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 1:50 PM GMT
    I call them losers. Fuck em. They are gone and you are here. Tell them, if only in your mind, Fuck off. They had a chance with you and they blew it. Now, make yourself the best that you can be, and laugh at them when they call or come crawling back. When they do, you will be the best you that you can be, and FUCK EM!!! Losers! But when they come crawling back, be gracious, be kind, and then tell them to get lost. They had a chance, but they blew it. You be the best you that you can be! And find a new guy that loves you for who you are. And when those bitches come back, which they will, tell them thanks but no thanks. You were not here when I was down, and I do not need you know that I am back on TOP!!!

    Do that. Own your life. You deserve more.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Nov 22, 2008 2:03 PM GMT
    Why did they do that? Because they need to feel like they have moved on to a better life. You did the same. You tell yourself that they were "jerks" and imply that you wasted your time with them. Don't worry about what they do, worry about what you do.

    http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Love-You-Find-Singles/dp/0671734202/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227362336&sr=1-2
    This book made a difference for me, yes cheesy self-help book. More than anything else, it changed my attitude on dating, and why things happen.

    Disclaimed: The book is for heterosexuals, but for the majority of the book that is irrelevant. The author quickly addresses this, towards the beginning if memory serves me right. The author is a former religious leader (I don't know which one- as a Jew, Christians confuse me), and it does influence things, although not on the hetero/homosexual divide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 2:11 PM GMT

    Date older guys. The way you look....I figure guys covet you at first and then when they realize exactly how they can't measure up to you, the resentment starts. It takes an insecure unsophisticated mind to think that way. Date older, they've loved and lost enough to know that something like you doesn't come along everday.
    Ofcourse older can be clingy and manipulative, but really treat muscle bodies better than younger guys. They cherish that muscle, lol. Not as irresponsible as younger either.

    METAPHOR TIME: if you were a prized possession to a younger guy you'd be a tricked out muscle car that he weights down with ugly accessories and rides you hard, shows you off at all the night spots....basically drives you to death and then you end up on the scrap heap before too long.

    If you were a prized possession to an older man, you'd be an ancient piece of pottery that he backlights and puts behind glass, keeps dusted and safe from water damage. True, older are more conservative and won't be partying with you all night. LOL, just a thought, think about it.

    I think this is a locality issue, if you were here, you'd be treated better, but that is only because people like you aren't walking around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 2:21 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]onslaught said[/cite]Why is it that when you date someone and things end, do they feel the need to rub it in your face?

    why do you bring this here? for the sake of balance you need to hear this.

    you're a whiner, complainer and quite frankly full of yourself. people such as myself took the time initially to sympathize with your situation. has it ever dawned on you that you are the problem?

    I congratulate bf #1 and bf # 2 for coming to their senses. they have no opportunity to defend themselves here against the "onslaught" of your immaturity. so guess what I'm going to defend them.

    grow up.

    I know I've moved on.
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    Nov 22, 2008 2:38 PM GMT
    fogos said[quote][cite]onslaught said[/cite]Why is it that when you date someone and things end, do they feel the need to rub it in your face?

    why do you bring this here? for the sake of balance you need to hear this.

    you're a whiner, complainer and quite frankly full of yourself. people such as myself took the time initially to sympathize with your situation. has it ever dawned on you that you are the problem?

    I congratulate bf #1 and bf # 2 for coming to their senses. they have no opportunity to defend themselves here against the "onslaught" of your immaturity. so guess what I'm going to defend them.

    grow up.

    I know I've moved on.


    Hey, sometimes a girl needs a good cry. You already knew bodybuilders were full of jelly, right....don't act so brand new yourself, sexy. icon_surprised.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 22, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    I don't know what to say On .....

    I hear that you're hurting and that you feel abused
    but do you expect all relationships to last?
    Do you expect all men to treat you as you will or would treat them?

    If you answer yes to any of those questions you're going to have to expect to be hurt again and again

    I know that when you meet a guy you wanna fall head over heels and say to the world ... this is the man I am going to be with forever and ever
    There aren't that many white knights my man
    Try and take it slower ... it's ok to love
    it's not ok to lose yourself in that love
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 4:06 PM GMT
    Hot big guys get hurt too....love is a risk!

    All relationships can take time to work the bugs out. Don't give up. Just be friendly and try not to let the sweet talkers in to fast.....make em work for it...lol

    YOU HOLD THE KEY
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 4:22 PM GMT
    So, did you just casually date these guys or were you boyfriends with some sort of commitment? The terminology is really unclear. A head game from someone you are dating is a different problem than drama with your boyfriend of three years. That said...

    No one is 100% innocent in a relationship's drama. Just looking back and calling these guys jerks deprives you of important lessons on how have relationships. If, by some strange occurrence, they were 100% jerks and you were 100% innocent, your problem is even bigger: what is wrong with you that you date these people?
  • wvdave

    Posts: 20

    Nov 22, 2008 4:28 PM GMT
    Maybe you are looking at it all wrong.
    I am becoming of the opinion that everyone has brought something into our lives whether something big or small and we should learn from our experiences. Yeah it's hard to look at it that way initially when the heartache is there.
    I have had some terrible experiences from relationships but am a stronger person for it.

    They are probably rubbing it in your face to hurt you like you have hurt them.
    I don't know you but you seem to come across as being very self-absorbed. Maybe you need to pay more attention to others and like someone else posted you would pick a different kind of person.



  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Nov 22, 2008 4:38 PM GMT
    Perhaps you're smarter and more secure than those you date.
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    Nov 22, 2008 5:15 PM GMT
    Fogos, Dont assume that because I look a certain way that im all about myself.

    I bring stuff like this here because I don't understand what is going on with guys.


    How am I complaining, and whining, Im posting a forum to explain why fags get so odd because of their own issues. Why defend guys that lie to you to get some?

    How am I immature, give me one reason?

    Why do I bring this here? Dude why do you come here and waste your time?

    YOu must be one of those guys that plays stupid fag game. Most likely why you're alone, someone brought up an issue you're guilty of so you have to cause drama.

    who is really immature here?

    No I'm not the problem, I'm the devoted nice guy in the relationship. I can't help it if other people like me. I don't flirt with people. If you can't understand that I just want you, then you're the problem. If you suspect me of something, you're the problem. Someone that is always there, always showing you how much they care, i'd say that person isnt the problem.

    THe problem is guys assume shit because I have muscle. So what, I work out, that doesnt mean Im all about myself or think Im hot.
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    Nov 22, 2008 5:16 PM GMT
    yeah man those guys were definitely losers. i empathize with your situation(s)- i really do know what its like to pick seemingly great guys who just sort of unravel into disappointments over time. its a reoccurring theme in my own life- especially the whole contacting-me-weeks-or-months-later-to-pick-at-the-scab thing.

    while i'm glad to hear you dated guys based solely on personality- since that says a lot of good things about you- you do have to remember that others aren't really like that in their thought processes... and a large enough disparity in looks will start creeping into most guy's heads as insecurities and worries and feelings of self-doubt. i'm not advocating a 'date in your own caste' policy lol... but do try to make sure that if the guy you're dating is 'physically unattractive,' that he be self-assured enough to be able to handle that disparity and like you for you too.

    conversely, if you're going to date guys who are on par with your male magnificence lol, or 'beyond' it even...u have to remember that that brings a whole new slew of potential neuroses into the picture.. they know exactly how easy it is to sleep with anyone they want, and even if they aren't the type to cheat (i haven't found that type yet), they may always worry that you could- hence the drama you mentioned with jealousy. and besides which, most of the good looking guys are more insecure than anyone- don't ask why, i've been wondering that for a long time- my best guess is that while 'average' looking ppl have to draw self satisfaction from within, a gorgeous person becomes addicted to compliments and looks-based-praise, and that becomes the foundation of their confidence... which is shaky at best.

    basically, i think a vast majority of gay men have insecurities at the roots of their being- and i suspect this has a lot to do with just being gay in our culture. if you really think about how much conscious and unconscious pressure there is 24/7 to be other than yourself, from every authority source- the government, the church, many of our parents, friends, media.... you get an idea of why many of us have deep rooted insecurities.. they fade after coming out but i think maybe we just get better at hiding them, living with them? they're still there in most of us and motivate our thoughts and actions in ways we can't imagine, subconsciously. this is the heart of all relationship drama. how can one love another if they don't love themselves? i know that sounds cliched, but its why your exes are so petty in stabbing your when you're down... they need it to satiate their own insecurities. you have to remember that not everyone is as self-possessed as you are... very few in fact... and you can either be patiently loving toward them in a selfless (unfair) fashion until you break through, or you can wait to find the right guy... we all have our flaws but sometimes two people's flaws compliment each other, and that's when they seem endearing.





    after all that guesswork, my prescription for you: just take however long you need to heal up, don't answer exes calls or read their texts or messages or emails (i just delete them before reading- and tell them when i break up that that's what i do, to be fair)- its harsh but necessary if you're hurting like you are and they just don't seem to care. then, once you're feeling steady on your feet again, let the right man find you. you'll know its right because it'll take so much less effort and heart-strain for you than past situations did.

    that's the best i've got; heal up, and let him find you- and just be aware of his level of self-posession and the amount of work that could imply for you.

  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Nov 22, 2008 5:34 PM GMT
    In my view there is a reason your ex is an ex. I can scarcely imagine why some guys try to be friend with their ex. I fell hard for one guy right after I moved to Houston. Long story short, he was full of sh*t and dumped me. He was actually shocked that I did not want to maintain any further contact with him.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 22, 2008 5:50 PM GMT
    No I'm not the problem, I'm the devoted nice guy in the relationship.

    BINGO !!!

    There's the problem .....
    Who said there has to be a "devoted" one in a relationship
    If you're going into a relationship thinking ... I'm gonna be the devoted one
    I'm gonna make this work
    I'm gonna be everything this guy needs

    You're in for ONE Heap-O-Trouble
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 5:55 PM GMT
    I think some people like to try and strike first. What I mean is that after a break up (lets say you were the breaker upper), people feel dumped and rejected and lonely. So they find the first guy that will talk with them and declare that because he came around at a time of great sorrow that he must be the one to lead your ex out of the darkness.

    Meanwhile, this guy may just be looking for an easy lay. Or is in a similar, vulnerable position and too afraid to face the world alone.

    Point is that you really can't worry about what these guys do and say unless it somehow affects you. Its obvious that the only thing these guys have on you is that they are now dating someone new - its not like they are saying that they have hit the lottery, all of their offspring are in MENSA, and they live on a Yacht in the Meditterenean.

    A new boyfriend isn't exactly something that is difficult to get. If that is all that they have to gloat about then trust me you are doing very well.
  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Nov 22, 2008 6:12 PM GMT
    Just remember, whatever anyone says about someone else (friends, boyfriends, strangers, politicians, etc.) says more about the person making the commons, good or bad.

    Seems to me that they were the ones that felt hurt be the break ups and responded by trying to make you think that they were happy.

    Just remember how you feel when ever you make a comment about them.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:21 PM GMT
    when I say im the devoted one I mean that I do everything to prove to them, yet they accuse me of doing shit that doesnt happen.

    If a guy looks at me and wants me, it ends up being my fault even If i didnt notice.

    If I have an attractive friend, surely I must be messing around with him.

    I go out with my friends, surely Im going out to hit on guys and get with people.


    What im saying is that they pretend they are the one being hurt and are so into me, when they spend more time suspecting me then caring about me.

    I shouldnt have to prove Im a good guy that just wants them. I even had a guy that picked me up from work and stayed with me contantly for two weeks. I was watched on my jobs web cams, and He didnt have his sites off me the whole two weeks. He still had the nerve to accuse me of wanting other people.

    When I asked why? most say " I havent dated anyone that looks like you, one that everyone seems to want"

    First thing, im not that great, not even. Secondly if you think that of your guy, shouldn't him being with you make you feel special. If other guys wanted my guy yet he was all mine, id be turned on by it.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:25 PM GMT
    Oh, jeeze, quit being such a baby. Post after post, you go on whining. Aren't you a big enough person mentally to blow all the petty bullshit games off? Get off it.

    You empower all this by being so effected by it. STOP IT. Let it go. Move on. Get going on the rest of your life. Get off the pity pot.

    You're 23, going on 12, for crying out loud.

    Life sucks sometimes. You remove yourself from folks, and things, that don't work well from you, cut your losses, and move on.

    All your self-indulgent, self-pity, is not gonna' get you anything but miserable, and ONLY BECAUSE YOU LET IT.

    Take charge; take the world by the balls, and quit being so infantile about it.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    i think its great you feel so genuinly modest- but the fact is that a lot of guys have fetishes for muscles like those and to many you're very very attractive, physically.

    the guys you date know that- the problem is that, as i said, they're insecure and can't hear your assurances that you're committed because they're too busy letting their worried imaginations run rampant. that's not your fault- you're just yourself- the problem is theirs and its that they can't see that. now if you were flirting with other guys, i could see where they'd have doubts- actions speak louder than words and that would drain some potency from your assurances to the contrary.... but as long as you're not, you have to accept that these particular exes are just neurotic.

    another thought is that ppl fear in others what they see too easily in themselves... like homophobes.... and in relationships, a person who is very capable of (and probably has before) cheating will project that onto their boyfriend- they'd know how easy it is for THEM to do and so it'd drive them crazy thinking that it's that easy for everyone. almost like karma, they way they torment themselves like that lol.


    and chucky- come on man, he's hurting- far be it for you to judge his emotions. let him vent and be constructive or keep it to yourself please
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:33 PM GMT
    It's normal to hurt feelings, just don't dwell on it. I've learned that there are some people who like to see you hurt....I think it gives them a sense of power or control.........so don't give them that power.

    The minute you let go of your hurt, the other one will go nuts and it's funny to see how desperate they are to "rope" you back in.

    Fuck em. Move on. Later you will probably have some great dates, or even meet someone real special and you will look back and ask yourself:

    Why was i so hung up on him? There are so many other guys who are better than him and happier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:35 PM GMT
    Let me say again, all this is CRAP, and it only "gets" to you if you choose to go down that path.

    You are in control of this and anyone tells you differently is simply wrong.

    You can CHOOSE to go do something that brings your mood up, or sit around and whimper about it. That's reality.

    If you continue to do things the way you are, things will stay mostly the same.

    You CHOOSE to be miserable.

    You can also CHOOSE to get things that make you unhappy out of your life and to walk another path.

    This is not "rocket science."

    It truly is that simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2008 6:37 PM GMT
    SOS Help for Emotions Any therapist will make you read it.

    Now that I've saved you several $100-$200 sessions, go buy it and read it.