Time with my boyfriend, or going to my best friend's quasi birthday party?

  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Sep 18, 2013 1:02 AM GMT
    Yes, this is an advice thread. I hate that I'm resorting to creating an advice thread, but alas, here we are. I'm hoping you guys can share your wisdom and help me sort this out. The real problem is, I have never been in a successful relationship before, and I don't know when it's okay to say no to something, or when I'm being selfish.

    So the background information: I have waited my entire life for this, but am finally in love with a great guy. We both at this point are in this for the long haul (after 6 months of dating).

    We live a bit of a drive apart (about an hour and a half), so seeing each other happens maybe once a week right now. Between work and school, I am away from my apartment anywhere from 12 hours to 16 hours every day, except the weekend, which is me and my boyfriend's time.

    Most people have ten times the social stamina I have. I tend to get social anxiety and while it's not a big deal to go to a party, it is when I'm this tired (large gatherings drain me more than marathons). My boyfriend has worse anxiety than I do. While I'll dread a party a few hours before we go, he will have insane anxiety about it for the rest of the week. This in turn actually gives me more anxiety.

    I do want to mention, we don't spend all our time in a hole. We do typically hang out with people when we're together (one or two additional people generally), and we also do plenty of things that aren't sitting on a couch, we just have a low social stamina. My best friend's quasi birthday party however, would be a huge trigger for my boyfriend's anxiety as the only person he knows who will be there, is my best friend and I.

    Also, it's a "quasi" birthday party, because what it really is, is about 4 people celelbrating their birthday's together since they are all around the same time (which to me, lessens the importance of it).

    Now the conundrum: My friend's feelings would definitely be hurt and she would definitely be mad if I didn't go. On the one hand I can kind of understand, on the other I'm not sure it's fair to place that level of obligation on me (which makes me want to go less). I asked her if she would let me take her out to dinner next week, wine and dine her, and celelbrate it that way. She didn't seem too interested.

    So the options are, I go or I don't go. I wouldn't personally feel cheated to not go, and my boyfriend would be relieved. If I do go however, there is a chance he would decide it was too much for him, which would cut our time together by half, when weekends is all we get. If he doesn't back out, he'll be dreading it all week (he will try and hide it, put on a good face, but I'll know he is) which will also make me dread it.

    Does it make me a selfish ass to tell a 27 year old I'm not attending her quasi birthday party? Are birthday parties still this important? Is my other solution, of taking her out during the week not good enough? Just when exactly am I socially obligated to do something? ugh... I hate having guilt complexes...

    cheers to ANYONE who can sift through my ramblings and offer some advice.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 18, 2013 4:05 AM GMT
    Your post is too long.
    Please get to the point, in one or two sentences.

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    Sep 18, 2013 4:24 AM GMT
    You could be your own worst enemy..

    .. You have analyzed and rationalized a simple birthday party to the point where it sounds like you'll be fed to the lions.

    Thousands of people go to birthday parties every single day..
    ..Something tells me you can do it.

    Yes you are selfish.. I just spent seven minutes reading about your insecurities regarding a close friend's B-day party..WTF??

    ..You have spent days demonizing a simple gathering that will probably last two hours..

    For the love of Lucifer.. Just GO!
    You really are being ridiculous.

    He AskedAre birthday parties still this important?


    Come on now!.. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidYour post is too long.
    Please get to the point, in one or two sentences.



    +..
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    Sep 18, 2013 4:32 AM GMT

    "Does it make me a selfish ass to tell a 27 year old I'm not attending her quasi birthday party?"

    Nope, not at all. Your man and you do come first; if you're not comfortable going, for any reason from a bad hair cut to an anxiety attack, then you don't do it. You offered her a pretty wonderful something as compensatory, which is really better than the party, as you get to visit, uninterrupted, one on one. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 18, 2013 4:47 AM GMT
    First off, stop over-thinking, it's not necessary. You offered to take your friend out, which is a fine solution. If you've got limited time to spend with your boyfriend, there's nothing wrong with not going to the party.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 18, 2013 5:50 AM GMT
    Take your bf to the party, he's there with you and this is your opportunity to introduce him to people .... or are you afraid someone is going to steal him away from you????

    Maybe birthdays aren't the important, but friends are. What if the day after your friends birthday, she got into an accident and you never saw her again?
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    Sep 18, 2013 11:32 AM GMT
    this is your friend and she would love for u to attend her borthday party and i thinl u should go. any day after that will not be special to her, so the wining and dining will not help. Buckle up, drag your boo by his tie and go to that party. Anxiety should not be an excuse not to do things, u making it worse