It was October 5, 1995. I was in Minneapolis the weekend of a marathon I participated in. I was still underage, so rather than go to the bars, I went to this GLBT youth dance. My eyes met his eyes; then it just got better. He was a beautiful guy, Colombian descent, and after talking all night, I was elated to find out he was on the same page as me in terms of dating, etc. We were almost exactly the same age (one month apart). It was that euphoric feeling of falling in love for someone that I never experienced before, and haven't experienced since. I felt so invisible my entire life; despite coming out at 15, I never had any luck meeting anyone. Everyone around me couldn't believe it...this side of me they'd never seen where I was so happy and so motivated by life and it's possibilities, and finally I found someone who just made me feel like I was a participant in life rather than just looking at everyone else through a window.
But, as a lot of young gay relationships go, we moved in way too fast. He had tremendous trauma being adopted at age 7 and never getting over the fact that his birth parents abandoned him, and his adoptive parents abandoned him when he came out. To top it off, he had reactive attachment disorder, which is the kiss of death if you're in a relationship. People with RAD usually can't bond or trust anyone and don't do well in relationships. Almost exactly a year later, he left while I was at school and I never heard from him again. I was miserable - that misery lasted longer than our relationship. I just could not pull my life together because I realized (even then) that being gay meant you had such a small percentage of dating options, and I knew that another option like this wasn't going to happen. And it didn't. So from September 1996 to now I haven't had any luck meeting anyone, which really sucks. I have a lot of love to give, I'm so caring, I'm athletic; I've been to so many cities and I just can't connect with other gay men.
Even though I came out at 15 I've decided I'm not very good at this gay thing. I don't like bars. I've never been interested in the party scene, and most of the places where gay men live are so overpriced and out of my range that I don't have any interest in living there. I'm glad I got to find someone at least once. I often resent being gay because my options are so limited...not only are there so few choices but within those few choices there has to be chemistry, mutual attraction, similar interests, similar ways in navigating a relationship. As I watch many US states passing gay marriage bills, I wonder how many gay men don't even notice because they don't even know where to meet someone, how to date, how to compromise, or where to look...if dating seems impossible, then marriage must feel like something that's not even a possibility.
Sorry for the novel. But yea. That initial feeling of falling in love and having someone as interested in you are you are in them...the first time you feel that, the world is awesome. You feel so great about life and feeling included...then it ends, and you have this awful feeling of knowing that it's going to be many years, if ever, when you feel that again.