We're never intimate anymore, and it's damaging my relationship

  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Sep 20, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. We moved very fast and ended up moving in together a couple of months ago. It was very much a love at first sight type of situation, and I still am very much in love with him today and fall more in love every day.

    BUT, there's one big issue. We've basically quit having sex or being intimate at all, and when we do, I'm the one who initiates and I basically have to force him to do it. During the first month or two, it was great, but after the third or fourth month the sex dropped off drastically to the point of once or twice a month. I'll be honest, it's kind of humiliating, and the rejection when he just straight up says no makes me feel like shit. I'm pretty in shape, and I get hit on quite a bit, so it fucking sucks that my boyfriend shows almost no physical interest. This is made worse by the fact that he loves talking about previous people he has hooked up with (not the specific people, but the number of people, etc., most of whom are women) and so I have these thoughts of why are those random people able to turn him on but I can't?

    One thing I've mentioned to him is porn. We have had this whole conversation before, and he said he's just not very horny. I asked if he ever beats off to porn, and he said very rarely. Like once in a few months. And that's fine, I really don't care if he looks at porn as long as it doesn't actually affect our sex life. I look at it too. But over the past couple of weeks I have been keeping tabs on his phone, and there are always a couple of tabs of porn on there that are different every time I check. So it's obvious to me he's looking at porn somewhat regularly. I don't really care about the porn itself, moreso the fact that he lied about it and that he would rather beat off than be intimate with me despite the fact that he knows this is a major issue in our relationship.

    I guess it's also worth mentioning that we're both tops. While that's not a huge issue to me, my partner is very unwilling to even try bottoming. I'd be comfortable taking turns as long as both of us are doing it, but I'm not going to do it if he won't even try. Anyway, he says that doesn't bother him, but I wonder if it does. I'll be honest, the one or two times a month we do mess around are pretty boring. Basically just beat each other off and that's it. I try to give him oral but he moves me out of the way or grabs some lotion and puts it on his dick asap.

    It's really starting to scare me because, while I've never ever cheated on anyone in my life, I've started having thoughts about it. I don't know, I'm just not really sure what to do anymore. We have had multiple talks about this whole problem, but it's just not sinking in for him. I don't know if I should give him an ultimatum or what. But something has to change. I can't keep going down this road for the rest of my life.

    PS - I know I've left out some details here and there and will try to fill them in where I can.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2013 1:15 PM GMT
    After 8 months you've moved in, found out you're not all that into one another sexually and you come online to complain?
    Nothing here that maturity can't fix.
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Sep 20, 2013 1:33 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidAfter 8 months you've moved in, found out you're not all that into one another sexually and you come online to complain?
    Nothing here that maturity can't fix.


    So let me get this straight, attempting to get some disinterested advice to try to fix my situation is the immature approach? Interesting perspective.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    lgg5819 said
    smartmoney saidAfter 8 months you've moved in, found out you're not all that into one another sexually and you come online to complain?
    Nothing here that maturity can't fix.


    So let me get this straight, attempting to get some disinterested advice to try to fix my situation is the immature approach? Interesting perspective.


    I don't think that is what he meant at all. As you get older and more mature these things will be easier for you to figure out. It might be best if you consider finding someone who is more sexually compatible. If sex is such a big issue then find someone who wants to fuck like a rabbit day and night. Problem solved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    lgg5819 saidMy boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. We moved very fast and ended up moving in together a couple of months ago. It was very much a love at first sight type of situation, and I still am very much in love with him today and fall more in love every day.

    BUT, there's one big issue. We've basically quit having sex or being intimate at all, and when we do, I'm the one who initiates and I basically have to force him to do it. During the first month or two, it was great, but after the third or fourth month the sex dropped off drastically to the point of once or twice a month. I'll be honest, it's kind of humiliating, and the rejection when he just straight up says no makes me feel like shit. I'm pretty in shape, and I get hit on quite a bit, so it fucking sucks that my boyfriend shows almost no physical interest. This is made worse by the fact that he loves talking about previous people he has hooked up with (not the specific people, but the number of people, etc., most of whom are women) and so I have these thoughts of why are those random people able to turn him on but I can't?

    One thing I've mentioned to him is porn. We have had this whole conversation before, and he said he's just not very horny. I asked if he ever beats off to porn, and he said very rarely. Like once in a few months. And that's fine, I really don't care if he looks at porn as long as it doesn't actually affect our sex life. I look at it too. But over the past couple of weeks I have been keeping tabs on his phone, and there are always a couple of tabs of porn on there that are different every time I check. So it's obvious to me he's looking at porn somewhat regularly. I don't really care about the porn itself, moreso the fact that he lied about it and that he would rather beat off than be intimate with me despite the fact that he knows this is a major issue in our relationship.

    I guess it's also worth mentioning that we're both tops. While that's not a huge issue to me, my partner is very unwilling to even try bottoming. I'd be comfortable taking turns as long as both of us are doing it, but I'm not going to do it if he won't even try. Anyway, he says that doesn't bother him, but I wonder if it does. I'll be honest, the one or two times a month we do mess around are pretty boring. Basically just beat each other off and that's it. I try to give him oral but he moves me out of the way or grabs some lotion and puts it on his dick asap.

    It's really starting to scare me because, while I've never ever cheated on anyone in my life, I've started having thoughts about it. I don't know, I'm just not really sure what to do anymore. We have had multiple talks about this whole problem, but it's just not sinking in for him. I don't know if I should give him an ultimatum or what. But something has to change. I can't keep going down this road for the rest of my life.

    PS - I know I've left out some details here and there and will try to fill them in where I can.


    After all of this, do you still love him? is the question. I know love is blind (which is very applicable to me as well) yet if its going to change the very basic You who is not a cheater, then it is time to move on buddy. Please accept my bear hugs. I know it sucks if it doesn't works out even after your 100% effort yet this may not be your stop buddy.

    Take care.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2013 10:13 PM GMT
    Leave
    Cheat
    or
    Communicate.

    Starts with: "I love you, but I'm really unhappy".

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3449313
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2013 10:26 PM GMT
    I have never been in a relationship so take what I say with a pinch of salt. Most likely it could be wrong.

    The thing that struck me most was this: "This is made worse by the fact that he loves talking about previous people he has hooked up with (not the specific people, but the number of people, etc., most of whom are women)"

    Could it be that he yearns for women? Yeah, communicate. If you are not happy, then the relationship is going nowhere. Maybe he is going through a tough spot? If both of you are not happy, then you will wondering what if. Need to speak to him.

    He puts on lotion straight afterwards? That sounds like fear or paranoia.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2013 3:56 AM GMT
    When you have sex, be sure to use protection. Avoiding having sex and mentioning a multitde of prior partners sounds like he's trying to tell you something. If you love him, you might want to bring up a discussion of std's and your health.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2013 8:24 AM GMT
    Your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex and you're making it about you when that's not necessarily the case. There are all kinds of kinds of reasons that he isn't interested in sex.
    It seems like he likes hand jobs and jacking off together, and you think it's boring. Maybe you're just not sexually compatible. It's up to the two of you to decide if that's something you can work around or if it's a deal breaker.

    The bigger issues are that you two have difficulty communicating and his need to keep secrets from you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    sounds like you are sexually incompatible?

    how often did you guys have sex at the beginning?? were you taking turns topping? or oral? or were you mostly just JO then too? You said most of his previous hookups were women, is the porn he looks at mostly straight?

    also.. were u still having sex regularly before you moved in together, or did it drop after you moved in.

    you have such a hot body, if i were him i'd be all over you constantly LOL. Not fair !
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Sep 24, 2013 7:42 PM GMT
    Hey guys, thanks for all the helpful feedback. You guys were right, the biggest issue is definitely communication. We often talked about stuff but I would hold back some of what was bothering me because I didn't want to be too nagging. We got in a stupid fight over the weekend, but it ended up being a good thing because it led me to bring up all of the things that were bothering me. I also encouraged him to tell me things that were bothering him, and it turned out to be a very much needed and good talk.

    We are very much in love with each other, and I know it's cheesy, but I always have and still do know that he's "the one." We decided to each make a list of things that were our biggest "issues" and share them with each other, and that was a great way for us to organize and express our feelings about everything. I also read somewhere an idea to write out a list of each of our sexual fantasies or whatever and try and knock one thing off the list a week. Seems like a damn good idea to me! icon_smile.gif Or maybe we'll each make our list and then put them in a hat and draw one each week haha. Could get interesting..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    awesome! hope it works out for you both icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 9:07 PM GMT
    lgg5819 said Or maybe we'll each make our list and then put them in a hat and draw one each week haha. Could get interesting..


    whoa... that sounds amazing..

    ill have to remember that when I find my guy!!!!
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Sep 24, 2013 9:11 PM GMT
    sex at your age, is one of the most important things there is. It is kind of your JOB as partner to provide sex at least once a week. You can outsource the job or do it yourself but it is very much your job. If you are not qualified...then you get fired. Pretty simple. If you talk about it and nothing changes, get out.

    tops shouldnt date tops, it is the worst combination possible. get out now while you are still pretty, all the love in the world is not going to fix "im horny and I hate you for not putting out"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    i kinda agree. i cant imagine being in a relationship with somebody who doesnt want sex, and I would never be satisfied personally.

    But as somebody who hasnt been in love in several years, i also think love is a lot more special, and a lot harder to find, than ass is. If OP feels so strongly for this guy, its probably worth really trying to communicate and work things out with his man, rather than just jumping ship.

    It's not a good sign if sexual desires are so mismatched so early in the relationship, but i hope they can work it out icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 25, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    lgg5819 saidHey guys, thanks for all the helpful feedback. You guys were right, the biggest issue is definitely communication. We often talked about stuff but I would hold back some of what was bothering me because I didn't want to be too nagging. We got in a stupid fight over the weekend, but it ended up being a good thing because it led me to bring up all of the things that were bothering me. I also encouraged him to tell me things that were bothering him, and it turned out to be a very much needed and good talk.

    We are very much in love with each other, and I know it's cheesy, but I always have and still do know that he's "the one." We decided to each make a list of things that were our biggest "issues" and share them with each other, and that was a great way for us to organize and express our feelings about everything. I also read somewhere an idea to write out a list of each of our sexual fantasies or whatever and try and knock one thing off the list a week. Seems like a damn good idea to me! icon_smile.gif Or maybe we'll each make our list and then put them in a hat and draw one each week haha. Could get interesting..


    Good to hear! From now on, just try to be more open with each other.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Sep 25, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
    Okay, if he's worth fighting for, then make the effort.

    The make or break of any relationship is communication. If you can't talk to one another then your relationship will not last.

    You said that you've been together for eight months now and you moved in together. This only seems right on schedule in the grand scheme of the relationship anatomy. Of coarse right now you're gonna have your disagreements, but you should talk to him about it and get his side of the story. Maybe he really isn't that sexual. Nothing is wrong with that. If you're feeling like you want to have sex with other people. Talk to him about it, not in a finger pointing-make him feel bad in a sort of way. Explain to him how YOU feel and how his lack of interest is making YOU feel.

    Maybe opening the relationship might work for you guys? Maybe not... But you can't move forward until you know what his thought process is on this subject.