Were you ever lonely at school?

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    Sep 23, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    I used to hide in my schools bathrooms during recess, school was hell for me ever since I was 5 right through to the age of 18.

    I barely had any friends, was off sick constantly to escape the bullying, hell i was late every single day so i had to avoid socialising and ridiculing by my peers.

    I deliberately did A level Art just so i had a place to stay in.the school and hide from everyone else.

    I would dread when everyone came back after dinner and having to.run back to class before the assholes caught me in my Art room.

    I sat alone at my desk in every classroom I was in, nobody wanted to sit next to me, and the desks were meant for two people each, one kid asked my teacher if he could sit all by himself so he did not have to sit next to me.

    The kids were so nasty towards me, so critical, and the teachers were just as bad.

    School was a prison for me, and every day i would come home and do nothing, just lay there, exhausted and miserable, trying to recover from the torments of the previous 8 hours. Travelling to school and back, which are harsh and lonely enough.

    sometimes i lookk back and think, how'd the toll.of that stress not kill me? Literally. I feel lucky to have survived that life and not turned out too fucked up as an adult.

    was it my fault?

    Any of you suffer at school?
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    Sep 23, 2013 5:38 AM GMT
    I got bullied in Middle and early High School. They used to call me gay names and stuff.
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    Sep 23, 2013 5:41 AM GMT
    That's horrible. Sry that was your experience.
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    Sep 23, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    That was awful.
    I'm sorry that you have to deal with it.
    Bad education almost everywhere. I blame on the parents and school staff. This is one of the many reasons why I always give a lot of importance to education, especially the moral education.
    To you and to everyone who is bullied *Hugs*

    To OP and others who were bullied
    How did it changed/affected you into the person you are today? What would you do if the same thing happens to some kid in your presence?
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    Sep 23, 2013 8:44 AM GMT
    There was a bumper sticker out for a while which read, "You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny." icon_rolleyes.gif I didn't see the humor 'cause I was a kid whose parents dictated what I wore to school. Plus I was a skinny, buck-toothed brainiac - would get jumped after classes sometimes if I aced a test that most of the kids didn't do well on. One a-hole football player (which isn't always redundant) decided to keep targeting me in high school. He and a buddy of his once dragged me into a deserted bathroom; the buddy stood lookout by the door while he whaled on me for no reason. A year later I was starting to go with a girl "because that's what everybody's doing." Suddenly he got all interested in her (yeah right) and started chasing her. Then one day he punched me in the mouth and caused me to lose a front tooth because I was talking to her. Etc etc. Not helping matters was having unsympathetic parents who practiced the art of blaming the victim.

    Survival was in the form of banding with the other marginalized kids. This hugely influenced my maturing into a progressive-minded person. By the time I came out I knew all about how it is to be despised for what you are. Blacks, Appalachians (note my hometown), and kids from blue-collar and poor families were my teachers. There were also plenty of peers who were also White, and from middle-class and higher backgrounds, who hated the social BS and did their own thing. This is why Gay Republicans make no fucking sense to me - a subject for other threads.

    Being the "school doormat" can lead someone to a life of self-loathing that shows itself in chemical abuse and sociopathic behaviors including murder. Or it can make for an open-minded and empathetic individual who knows how to roll through hard times and doesn't look the other way when somebody else needs help. Luckily for me I went the second route.
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    Sep 23, 2013 8:56 AM GMT
    okonomiyaki saidThere was a bumper sticker out for a while which read, "You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny." icon_rolleyes.gif I didn't see the humor 'cause I was a kid whose parents dictated what I wore to school. Plus I was a skinny, buck-toothed brainiac - would get jumped after classes sometimes if I aced a test that most of the kids didn't do well on. One a-hole football player (which isn't always redundant) decided to keep targeting me in high school. He and a buddy of his once dragged me into a deserted bathroom; the buddy stood lookout by the door while he whaled on me for no reason. A year later I was starting to go with a girl "because that's what everybody's doing." Suddenly he got all interested in her (yeah right) and started chasing her. Then one day he punched me in the mouth and caused me to lose a front tooth because I was talking to her. Etc etc. Not helping matters was having unsympathetic parents who practiced the art of blaming the victim.

    Survival was in the form of banding with the other marginalized kids. This hugely influenced my maturing into a progressive-minded person. By the time I came out I knew all about how it is to be despised for what you are. Blacks, Appalachians (note my hometown), and kids from blue-collar and poor families were my teachers. There were also plenty of peers who were also White, and from middle-class and higher backgrounds, who hated the social BS and did their own thing. This is why Gay Republicans make no fucking sense to me - a subject for other threads.

    Being the "school doormat" can lead someone to a life of self-loathing that shows itself in chemical abuse and sociopathic behaviors including murder. Or it can make for an open-minded and empathetic individual who knows how to roll through hard times and doesn't look the other way when somebody else needs help. Luckily for me I went the second route.


    To a certain degree I can understand the blame the victim mentality, as to this day you still see the football a-hole as a football a-hole, maybe if you tried to communicate to him and understand why he bullies you, and be empathetic for a change, he may have treated you differently. The issue is, was he a brute in the first place that could never change his actions towards you (and the only real way to deal with brutes is to be a brute as well), or was simply acting out, didn't know any better and was actually decent if you could have saw him differently?
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    Sep 23, 2013 9:15 AM GMT
    Harry7785 said What would you do if the same thing happens to some kid in your presence?

    As I wrote above, the bullying I had to withstand was magnified by parents who wanted a perfect preppie child and wound up with a square peg. So I've always kept my eye out for children mistreated by their families, not just the ones dumped on by their peers.

    For several years I moonlighted for a small business, the owner of which hired a man and his teenage sons to be part of the crew. The father was a piece of work, a successfully recovering alcoholic who stayed mad at the world regardless. Most of his directionless rage landed on the kids. They could do nothing right by him. One evening the younger of the two boys rolled in to work all of maybe five minutes late. His dad marched him into the back room and ripped him a new asshole for the grave offense. When the berating was over and the red-faced parent returned, I excused myself and went out to the parking lot. There the 15-year-old was pacing around, stopping to kick the pavement and battling to not cry. As best I could I told of how parents project the shit in their lives onto their children and that it's no fault of the kids. Just winged it, giving examples of some things I'd been put through. His eyes widened - "Really? So you know what it's like!" There was never the need to bring up this incident afterwards. But I knew to my genuine surprise I'd had a positive impact on someone, who in turn saw me as more than a guy who always pitched in at work and had a wisecrack ready.
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    Sep 23, 2013 11:00 AM GMT
    @okonomiyaki ^^^
    Thanks...I 'm sure it really had a positive impact on that kid.
    And thanks for keeping an eye out! :-)
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:38 PM GMT
    It gets worse for me, at my schools prom, which I did not attend I was voted "most likely to die a virgin".

    I guess the biggest effect this has had is my self fulfilling prophesy, I'm a loser now and depressed about my life a lot, People have been quite frankly, evil towards me, and for that I don't like humanity as a whole, humans scare the death of me to be honest, most seem to be very dangerous and violent.

    one thing though, most of my family have been bullied and they are lovely kind caring intelligent people, it just seems to be the world we live in.

    I am lucky to have their love and support x
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    Sep 23, 2013 12:58 PM GMT
    This reminds me of a bumper sticker that says "the more people I meet, the more I like my cat". I despise cliques and bullies. I also hated school to no end and couldn't wait to get the hell out. In fact, I completed high school in 2 years instead of 3, just to get out early. Why do people form cliques and treat outsiders like shit? I don't know, maybe it's to remind themselves that they're "better". And that burning desire to fit in.
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    Sep 23, 2013 1:13 PM GMT
    i2ci2i saidIt gets worse for me, at my schools prom, which I did not attend I was voted "most likely to die a virgin".

    I guess the biggest effect this has had is my self fulfilling prophesy, I'm a loser now and depressed about my life a lot, People have been quite frankly, evil towards me, and for that I don't like humanity as a whole, humans scare the death of me to be honest, most seem to be very dangerous and violent.

    ome thing though, most of my family have been bullied and they are lovely kind caring intelligent people, it just seems to be the world we live in.

    I am lucky to have their love and support x


    No one is a loser.
    If people are evil towards you, let them be. But it is important that you're not.
    Don't comfort yourself when people praise you and don't let any insult to put down(depression).
    Just focus on yourself and what you have to do.

    "You cannot be loved and praised by all.
    Indeed, if you act as a good person, bad
    people will scold you. If you act as a
    bad person, good people will disapprove of your
    actions. The best solution is to be kind and good
    while ignoring the opinions of others."
    -Tolstoy
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    Sep 23, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    OMG Darren you a totally more cancer than leo.

    Anyway I mostly fit in in school and theater activities until i found my true self. I was what you call a " token " and i wasent aware of this for many years. But when i stopped being preppy and became more bohemian and alternative and more comfortable then i lost token status, i didnt care though because i never wanted such a thing anyway.

    While everyone else wanted to watch " american pie " and " napolian dynamite "

    I wanted to watch " ThE LoSt BoYS " and " Blade trinity "

    While they were going to american eagle

    I was buying tribal gypsy bracelets.
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    Sep 23, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    Why were they so mean to you ?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Sep 23, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    Daren, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. My experience was different but the outcome was much the same... low self esteem, depression and, for me, a lot of anxiety, especially in social situations.

    Most of this emotional abuse (seldom physical in my case) took place at home and at school. The school situation changed when my parents moved just after my freshman year and I was in a new, bigger and much different high school. Like you, I gravitated toward art but not only to 'hide'... for me it became a way of 'leaving a mark', 'making a statement', and sort of carving my own place in the social hierarchy. The new school was so much bigger I was mostly ignored, which was fine by me, and I was actually able to make a few friends who actually liked me and appreciated my somewhat unusual view of the world.

    Still, though, it took me a LONG time to even begin to get over the years of abuse. I had help to do that, too, through counseling and therapy. For example, I grew up knowing I was gay and basically feeling fine about that. However, I believed that a lot of the emotional shit I'd endured was *because* of my sexuality. It was a kind of "revelation" when, one day, it dawned on me that being a homo had little to nothing to do with it. My life would have been different if I'd not been, for sure, but the fact is *who I am as a human being* is "different" from most other people and my sexuality is only one part of that. I would have gotten shit even if I'd been straight.

    Somewhere in my late 20s, early 30s, things began to shift inside me. Some of it was just due to growing up and growing older, becoming an adult. But some of it was a consequence of actually looking into myself and getting the help and feedback I needed to see myself and my life more objectively. I also learned 'tools' which helped me cope with the emotional scar tissue that had formed in my psyche. I learned, for example, that when my inner critic got too loud and started his on-going diatribe about 'me', to shut him up, take a deep breath, and try and see myself more as I *am* rather than how I was told I was by other assholes.

    The truth is the 'low self-esteem' issues never totally go away. That, the depression and anxiety are always there. The scar tissue is real. BUT it doesn't rule my life or run me. I know all that is 'old wounding' that, on one hand, can't be ignored but, on the other, doesn't have to be what determines my life today. I've actually had a pretty good life and it isn't over yet.

    So, hang in there. Know this: There is nothing WRONG with you. Not saying there isn't room for improvement, of course there is for all of us. But at base, fundamentally, in your core, your soul, your heart -- where you are truly yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. All the anger, depression, uncertainty, feeling of being lost (whatever is true for you) is a *reaction* to the crap you've had to deal with... It isn't who you are at the core.

    This is true for everyone. The more we can find this 'core' place in ourselves, our essence, the more we get to know Him and let him out into the world, the happier, wiser, and more fulfilled our lives become. This I know from experience.

    Mike
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    Sep 23, 2013 8:52 PM GMT
    CopperDevil saidWhy were they so mean to you ?


    There's not a day that goes by were I do not ask myself that same question as least twenty times, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of it.
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    Sep 23, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    i2ci2i saidIt gets worse for me, at my schools prom, which I did not attend I was voted "most likely to die a virgin".

    I guess the biggest effect this has had is my self fulfilling prophesy, I'm a loser now and depressed about my life a lot, People have been quite frankly, evil towards me, and for that I don't like humanity as a whole, humans scare the death of me to be honest, most seem to be very dangerous and violent.

    one thing though, most of my family have been bullied and they are lovely kind caring intelligent people, it just seems to be the world we live in.

    I am lucky to have their love and support x



    icon_eek.gif That is awful and very sad! No one should have to go through that. Gay or whatever. I wasn't that popular in high school either because I was quiet and I was the minority. However, I was not bullied because I stood up for myself and I refuse to let that happen to me. I didn't care if they were football players.

    College was a different story. I had a blast. Once people get to know me, they realize that I'm such a goofball.

    I honestly don't think you should look back and feel sorry for yourself. It will only get you depressed. Also, it's great that your family is supportive. Always look on the bright side cause not everyone's life is easy or perfect.

    Being gay isn't easy. We share something in common already. :-)
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    Sep 23, 2013 9:27 PM GMT
    you're obviously a very strong guy, and sharing your story proves that. who knows why kids are such assholes? insecurity, jealousy...

    I was very lonely in high school. Such is life in the closet at any age, I would think. Luckily, I was never bullied or shunned. I was always social in school and had many "friends" (acquaintances) but I always had my guard up and that prevented me from making meaningful friendships. Except for one girl, god bless her, who was there for me every day.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Sep 23, 2013 10:15 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear of your bad time at school.

    I was very happy at primary school, but badly bullied at secondary, partly because I knew at eleven I was different to all the other boys ie gay. I never doubted that through all the other uncertainties. But there other factors as well, such as being just too bright and academically accomplished in most subjects(not mathematics, though!) I was in the wrong school. Also, I was very quiet and retiring, so never really stood my ground or fought back. Nothing encourages bullies more than silent acquiescence. I blamed myself for the bullying for quite a while because of this extreme civility. Most of the abuse was verbal, ridiculing me, etc. on an hourly basis. Sundays and the end of holidays, especially the long summer one, were a nightmare for me.

    This was all made worse, if possible, by a psychologically abusive father; a bully of a man. Forgiving him his trespasses has helped me a great deal.

    Looking back, I wonder how I stayed relatively sane or even survived. There must be some streak of strength or even bloody mindedness in me.

    Following a bout of chicken pox in spring, 1975, I just refused to return to school and never went back. I think I`d just had enough and decided that was it. I was out of education until September, 1976, when I went to a further education college nearby. Ironically, I was also offered a place in the sixth form of the school I should have been at when eleven! During that period I stayed temporally in a residential school for boys not able to go to a mainstream one...where I met some very traumatized boys much worse than me. Things were strange here(I was on some kind of medication for a start) but at least the adults in my life knew things weren`t right and I was very unhappy. Glimmers of hope were dawning.

    Things began to change at college, to improve. I met a boy who was openly gay and we were friends. I really liked him and he made quite an impact on me. I progressed in an academic environment where my abilities were finally valued; to university, and teaching, adult life, etc.

    I struggled to fully come out until I was thirty seven, but things have slowly gotten better. Maturing has helped, too. I`ve had some counselling, but those early years` experiences will never leave me; as other guys have mentioned. Even now, I have what I call a 'melancholy' personality: somewhere between pessimistic and neutral; though becoming more neutral with the passing years.

    Try not to think people are a lost cause or something. There are good ones out there. I think you have to hold onto some sense of self worth, what you love or are good at; though quite how you do that I`m not sure. Much of what I did was unconscious or instinctive, but it saved me in the end. Try to hear your heart; it knows what you need, what`s best for you when you might not in your head.

    Best wishes,
    John.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Sep 23, 2013 11:03 PM GMT