No chemistry with guy

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Sep 24, 2013 6:12 AM GMT
    I'd pursued this guy online for about 2 months off and on, and he didn't seem interested until after meeting me by chance 2 weeks ago... Now he's really into me. Until last night we had around 7 dates without so much as a kiss, during which I could see at various times the gears turning in his head that are screaming at me to make a first move, but when I do so he pulls away; but by the time he's ready to make the first move the spontaneity is so dead and I've already become so self-conscious that neither of us follow through.

    He had also been showering me with awesome romantic gestures, (including ones my unromantic obtuse self probably didn't even notice), but said he's afraid of getting physical for fear of jinxing it, this behind his first "relationship", despite his admittedly far greater experience with "experimenting" in the past.

    And then we cuddled/made out last night, after much awkwardly-verbalized deliberation. Then he asked about sex, and I promised the weekend, when I don't have morning classes.

    He's a really nice dude and smarter than he looks, as well as the most attractive guy I've met who is into me, but I've never had such terrible chemistry around a guy, and I don't think it's because of butterflies in stomach or whatever. Nor am I usually this passive around guys. My friend suggests that I'm simply not used to being pursued (it is indeed the first time i'm not chasing someone who is less interested in me).

    I really want to be interested... and I've told him as such, both of us agreeing hopefully that the awkwardness will resolve itself once we get to know each other more. I'm just not sure what is a reasonable amount of time to invest in this relationship, before being convinced that chemistry isn't going to develop?

    ps: I'm a top and he's vers, in case anyone is assuming that this is a two-bottom problem lol.

    ps: pls move to correct subforum thx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    Don't lead him on. Be honest and tell him.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Sep 24, 2013 5:41 PM GMT
    On one hand, some chemistry is necessary but, at the same time, it can be over rated. What really matters is whether or not you have feelings for one another that go beyond sexual attraction. That is, if you want something more than a roll in the hey. Then it isn't about 'chemistry' exactly. It's about liking and caring and find him interesting and the mutuality of all that and perhaps eventually something called love. Personally I think guys sometimes give up too quickly. It takes time to build a relationship. Yes, sometimes it doesn't work out, but if there is even a hint that this could go further, I say stick with it. Ok, so it is awkward... not what we want or expect, exactly. And you may be right, there may be no 'there, there'. I vote for giving it a chance, though. Six months. If nothing has clarified by then then it probably won't. I know, to young people 'six months' seems like a long time. It isn't. Good relationships last for many years.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 7:09 PM GMT
    http://www.cement.org/basics/concretebasics_chemical.asp
    Chemical admixtures are the ingredients in concrete other than Portland cement, water, and aggregate that are added to the mix immediately before or during mixing. Producers use admixtures primarily to...modify the properties of hardened concrete; to ensure the quality of concrete during mixing, transporting, placing, and curing...

    Retarding admixtures, which slow the setting rate of concrete, are used to counteract the accelerating effect of hot weather on concrete setting. High temperatures often cause an increased rate of hardening which makes placing and finishing difficult. Retarders keep concrete workable during placement and delay the initial set of concrete....

    Accelerating admixtures increase the rate of early strength development, reduce the time required for proper curing and protection, and speed up the start of finishing operations. Accelerating admixtures are especially useful for modifying the properties of concrete in cold weather.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    Hey, I was offering a concrete example.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 9:51 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidYou can't will yourself into chemistry. Sorry, but that's just the truth.


    Amen brotha. It's the dilemma we all deal with. The weird thing is how chemistry changes with perception and time. Maybe you can just be friends?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 11:13 PM GMT
    You're going to have to elaborate:
    "but said he's afraid of getting physical for fear of jinxing it, this behind his first "relationship", despite his admittedly far greater experience with "experimenting" in the past."
    --for a more definitive answer.
    as it would appear he's afraid of butt sex.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2013 11:19 PM GMT
    christastic said ps: I'm a top


    Hello there... my name is Rita.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 24, 2013 11:22 PM GMT
    When everything's going well, and easily, it's the right thing.
    This is not.
    Go out and find someone who deserves you...
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Sep 29, 2013 5:45 PM GMT
    So apparently we both misread each other... he assumed that I wanted sex and decided to be proactive in bringing it up, causing me to promise him we'll do it this friday, when in fact I wasn't that keen on having sex so early in the relationship. Turns out he thought it was too soon as well, so we're just keeping it classy and taking it slow.

    My friends keep telling me I have to test-drive the car asap to avoid wasting time with the wrong guy. However I tend to believe there shouldn't be a double-standard for sluttiness in gay dating vs straight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    christastic saidSo apparently we both misread each other... he assumed that I wanted sex and decided to be proactive in bringing it up, causing me to promise him we'll do it this friday, when in fact I wasn't that keen on having sex so early in the relationship. Turns out he thought it was too soon as well, so we're just keeping it classy and taking it slow.

    My friends keep telling me I have to test-drive the car asap to avoid wasting time with the wrong guy. However I tend to believe there shouldn't be a double-standard for sluttiness in gay dating vs straight.


    Having sex after 7 dates does not a slut make. In fact, not having anything more that a kiss kind of leans toward the other end of the sprectrum.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 6:18 PM GMT
    I disagree with most on here.

    I think there is chemistry! It's just misfiring a bit. Get it to click correctly and BAM it'll be there.

    One question.....do you still want to fuck him? If yes...play it out. See if it happens, if you don't you 'll always wonder.

    So you had to wait a bit. Might be worth it!
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Oct 11, 2013 3:15 AM GMT
    One month mark now. We hang out at least 4-5 times a week, cuddle and make out all the time, but still haven't had sex. He doesn't want to rush it because "this time it will be special". He's the most interested in me of all the guys I've been with, yet I've never taken it this slow with anyone.

    I find him physically really attractive, but a small part of me finds him increasingly feminine. Not close to a deal breaker, but enough to make me second guess long-term prospects.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    christastic saidOne month mark now. We hang out at least 4-5 times a week, cuddle and make out all the time, but still haven't had sex. He doesn't want to rush it because "this time it will be special". He's the most interested in me of all the guys I've been with, yet I've never taken it this slow with anyone.

    I find him physically really attractive, but a small part of me finds him increasingly feminine. Not close to a deal breaker, but enough to make me second guess long-term prospects.


    Really?

    No
    For real?

    redflag.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    christastic saidOne month mark now.

    I find him physically really attractive, but a small part of me finds him increasingly feminine.


    If you've been seeing someone for a month and only now are finding him "fem"....you're looking for an out. If you look hard enough you can find something fem about almost anyone, gay or straight.