why is it so hard to make gay friends?

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    Sep 27, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    i don't know if anybody else has this problem. I'm 25 and I find it so incredibly hard to make gay friends. I have plenty of straight friends, but for some reason the gay men I meet have zero interest in friendship. It's like, once they realize you don't want to have sex with them, they don't want anything to do with me. I used to think something was wrong with me, but it's not like I don't have any friends, I have plenty of friends, just none that are gay. Ok so I have 1 gay friend, but he is an ex, and I kind of feel like the only reason why we have even reconnected is because he's interested in sex. I really don't mean to come off like a conceited asshole like everyone wants to have sex with me, it's not like that, I am of average attractiveness, and most of the time guys I'm sexually interested in are not interested in me. But anyway, I'm a graduate student, and my college, of course, doesn't have a LGBT grad organization, but they have an undergrad LGBT group, so I'm definitely going to attend those meetings to hopefully meet people, but even then, it's going to be all 19 year-olds. I've joined a few meetup.com groups for gay people in the philly area, but I've yet to be available to attend a meet up, so hopefully when I am, that will go well. But even the philly 20-somethings group I'm a part of are incredibly flakey, and no one seems to even be interested in meeting up. It's just crazy to me. I've tried to phone apps, but once again, when I tell people I'm just looking for friends the conversation ends. It's depressing. My straight friends aren't the type to go to a gay bar, but I know they would for me, but it would be such an awkward context of "we are only going to this place to find him gay friends". it's incredibly frustrating. Does anybody else have this problem or is it just me? any advice? Sorry for venting!
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    Sep 27, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    Many gay men are incredibly shallow. No one really wants shallow friends, so don't feel so bad.
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    Sep 27, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    Because most gays act like 13 years old girls.
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    Sep 27, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    jerseyguy1017 said...I find it so incredibly hard to make gay friends....the gay men I meet have zero interest in friendship...once they realize you don't want to have sex with them, they don't want anything to do with me...and most of the time guys I'm sexually interested in are not interested in me.


    Have you tried to be just friends with those you want sex with but who don't want sex with you, or do you do to them what you perceive being done to you by people who you think want sex with you but not you with them?
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    Sep 27, 2013 6:49 PM GMT
    jerseyguy1017 saidi don't know if anybody else has this problem. I'm 25 and I find it so incredibly hard to make gay friends. I have plenty of straight friends, but for some reason the gay men I meet have zero interest in friendship. It's like, once they realize you don't want to have sex with them, they don't want anything to do with me. I used to think something was wrong with me, but it's not like I don't have any friends, I have plenty of friends, just none that are gay. Ok so I have 1 gay friend, but he is an ex, and I kind of feel like the only reason why we have even reconnected is because he's interested in sex. I really don't mean to come off like a conceited asshole like everyone wants to have sex with me, it's not like that, I am of average attractiveness, and most of the time guys I'm sexually interested in are not interested in me. But anyway, I'm a graduate student, and my college, of course, doesn't have a LGBT grad organization, but they have an undergrad LGBT group, so I'm definitely going to attend those meetings to hopefully meet people, but even then, it's going to be all 19 year-olds. I've joined a few meetup.com groups for gay people in the philly area, but I've yet to be available to attend a meet up, so hopefully when I am, that will go well. But even the philly 20-somethings group I'm a part of are incredibly flakey, and no one seems to even be interested in meeting up. It's just crazy to me. I've tried to phone apps, but once again, when I tell people I'm just looking for friends the conversation ends. It's depressing. My straight friends aren't the type to go to a gay bar, but I know they would for me, but it would be such an awkward context of "we are only going to this place to find him gay friends". it's incredibly frustrating. Does anybody else have this problem or is it just me? any advice? Sorry for venting!




    It is probably down to attraction. If you are attracted to other gay guys then it is more often than not that you will be distracted. Unless you don't find some of them attractive. If you don't find one gay guy unattractive then perhaps you can be friends with him. Or if he finds you unattractive then you can be friends with him if the feeling is mutual. Or if both of you find each other unattractive then you can be friends. Of course if both are you (or more than 2) have low sexual libidos then you can proceed as friends.

    I dunno... that is why I have straight male friends and female friends.

    But if you believe friendship is deeper than romance, then it is possible.
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    Sep 27, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    Gay man or straight, the older you get, the harder it gets. Most of your friends you make as a kid and in school.
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    Sep 27, 2013 6:53 PM GMT
    Literally million gay friends that you meet and talk with?
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    Sep 27, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidGay man or straight, the older you get, the harder it gets. Most of your friends you make as a kid and in school.

    100% true
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    Sep 27, 2013 7:13 PM GMT
    Who likes being tickled?
  • RainBow_Drago...

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    Sep 27, 2013 7:40 PM GMT
    jerseyguy1017 saidi don't know if anybody else has this problem. I'm 25 and I find it so incredibly hard to make gay friends. I have plenty of straight friends, but for some reason the gay men I meet have zero interest in friendship. It's like, once they realize you don't want to have sex with them, they don't want anything to do with me. I used to think something was wrong with me, but it's not like I don't have any friends, I have plenty of friends, just none that are gay. Ok so I have 1 gay friend, but he is an ex, and I kind of feel like the only reason why we have even reconnected is because he's interested in sex. I really don't mean to come off like a conceited asshole like everyone wants to have sex with me, it's not like that, I am of average attractiveness, and most of the time guys I'm sexually interested in are not interested in me. But anyway, I'm a graduate student, and my college, of course, doesn't have a LGBT grad organization, but they have an undergrad LGBT group, so I'm definitely going to attend those meetings to hopefully meet people, but even then, it's going to be all 19 year-olds. I've joined a few meetup.com groups for gay people in the philly area, but I've yet to be available to attend a meet up, so hopefully when I am, that will go well. But even the philly 20-somethings group I'm a part of are incredibly flakey, and no one seems to even be interested in meeting up. It's just crazy to me. I've tried to phone apps, but once again, when I tell people I'm just looking for friends the conversation ends. It's depressing. My straight friends aren't the type to go to a gay bar, but I know they would for me, but it would be such an awkward context of "we are only going to this place to find him gay friends". it's incredibly frustrating. Does anybody else have this problem or is it just me? any advice? Sorry for venting!


    Welcome to the club, mate!icon_sad.gifThe story of my life... sigh!
  • RainBow_Drago...

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    Sep 27, 2013 7:51 PM GMT
    Over the years since graduating college, following my come out, I've met lots of gay people in clubs, in social groups, and things like community events. Most of them had the same one thing in mind " getting into my pants ".

    I have even tried trading phone numbers with some for plans to someday get together. They never pan out.

    It seems there's an invisible barrier to getting close enough to become deep friends, because it's to be friends with someone whose only interest is to bone. Heck these days it's even hard to stay in touch with the close friends I already have (who I've known since high school), let alone the horny nut-jobs from clubs.
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    Sep 27, 2013 7:58 PM GMT
    David3000 saidBecause most gays act like 13 years old girls.


    +1
    Pretty much all of my friends are straight men. I used to feel like there was something wrong with it, but I've come to realize that I really don't have any desire to be a part of this gay "culture." Most of the time when I try hanging out with gay men, everything starts to revolve around drugs, alcohol, sex, bad music or fashion. It's just not who I am and I've stopped making apologies for it. I realize there are some great non-scene gay men out there, but honestly I value my time too much to waste it on trying to find them. My straight friends are awesome and I couldn't ask for better friends. And if we're not fucking, why should I care if they're straight or gay anyway?
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    Sep 27, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    [quote]Have you tried to be just friends with those you want sex with but who don't want sex with you, or do you do to them what you perceive being done to you by people who you think want sex with you but not you with them?[/quote]

    Thanks for all the responses. glad it's not just me

    I'm a pretty friendly person, I would be friends with just about anybody unless they're a dick. i've always felt that life is so short, we gays gotta look out for each other, but that doesn't seem to be the way everybody else feels.

    Since I didn't come out til 21, I missed the boat on establishing gay friends in highschool & most of college, hopefully I can make up for it in grad school.

    I think the whole "it's hard to be friends with someone you think is attractive" thing plays a small role, but I have no problem being friends with someone I'm attracted to, whatever.

    I think the biggest factor is that I have to go out of my way to put myself in a situation where there are any gay dudes my age, which I'm not able to do that often.

    i guess I'm lucky to have the friends I have, but shit, it would be nice to have a group of gay friends to hang out with.
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    Sep 27, 2013 8:02 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    David3000 saidBecause most gays act like 13 years old girls.


    +1
    Pretty much all of my friends are straight men. I used to feel like there was something wrong with it, but I've come to realize that I really don't have any desire to be a part of this gay "culture." Most of the time when I try hanging out with gay men, everything starts to revolve around drugs, alcohol, sex, bad music or fashion. It's just not who I am and I've stopped making apologies for it. I realize there are some great non-scene gay men out there, but honestly I value my time too much to waste it on trying to find them. My straight friends are awesome and I couldn't ask for better friends. And if we're not fucking, why should I care if they're straight or gay anyway?


    Hear hear.

    And I agree with this.
    "everything starts to revolve around drugs, alcohol, sex, bad music or fashion"

    Many gays want hookups, drugs, whatever, because they think they are young and invincible. I am in my late 20s but it is saddening to see young gay men being involved in this way. Saying that though, it is the ignorance of homophobia that allows young gay men to go into back alleys and deal with other unhealthy stuff.
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    Sep 27, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    David3000 saidBecause most gays act like 13 years old girls.


    +1
    And if we're not fucking, why should I care if they're straight or gay anyway?


    Because you can engage in bro banter with homofriends. When a group of straight guys are hanging out and a hot chick walks by, you'll often hear, "Oh man I'd love to slap those titties around," or "Oh my god dat ass, sit on my face."

    Same can apply to a group of gay men. A hot guy walks by while you're hanging out with your bromosexuals, "Oh damn look at that package, I'd love to climb up on that," or "Fuckkk... that ass, I'd love to clap them cheeks." You can then begin to have a laugh or jest about your friends poor taste in men, etc.

    It's good fun, or is that too gay for you?
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    Sep 27, 2013 8:25 PM GMT
    It's all about similar interests and being gay really doesn't qualify as a similar interest. I find that gay sports clubs are often the best way of making initial contacts for friends and then you end up networking through those people to meet other gay guys. Then you just have to be friendly and sincere. You will eventually cross paths with people who you are meant to be friends with. The first step is always the step out the door.

    Good luck.
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    Sep 28, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    KardioKing said
    Scruffypup said
    David3000 saidBecause most gays act like 13 years old girls.


    +1
    And if we're not fucking, why should I care if they're straight or gay anyway?


    Because you can engage in bro banter with homofriends. When a group of straight guys are hanging out and a hot chick walks by, you'll often hear, "Oh man I'd love to slap those titties around," or "Oh my god dat ass, sit on my face."

    Same can apply to a group of gay men. A hot guy walks by while you're hanging out with your bromosexuals, "Oh damn look at that package, I'd love to climb up on that," or "Fuckkk... that ass, I'd love to clap them cheeks." You can then begin to have a laugh or jest about your friends poor taste in men, etc.

    It's good fun, or is that too gay for you?



    You're missing a crucial point in your analogy: Yeah, my straight friends might make the occasional comment about a girl passing by, but with gay men, their attention is on you sexually. Big difference. And honestly, it's very rare that one of my friends makes those kind of comments.
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    Sep 28, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    I spent a lot of years in Philadelphia, first for undergrad (before I was out) and years later for a second graduate degree (after I was out). During that second stint in Philly (in the 1990's) I made some good gay friends running with Philadelphia Frontrunners and swimming with FINS. Try checking those or other gay sports clubs.

    But, speaking more generally, I agree with those posters who have said that it just gets harder to make friends as you get older and more and more of one's friends get focused on their own partners, kids, jobs, homes and pets...

    I know I for one wish I had more single, pet-less and childless buddies to hang around with....
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    Sep 29, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    Part of it is the challenge of making friends within your dating pool. It can and does work, but both people need to be on the same page. If one is secretly hoping for sex or eventual dating and the other is content with friendship, it will fizzle.

    Where are you meeting these guys? That can make a difference too.
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    Sep 29, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    TLDR;
    Gay men are only friendly to guys they are attracted to. Birds of a feather flock together.
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    Sep 29, 2013 3:21 AM GMT
    duluthrunner saidI spent a lot of years in Philadelphia, first for undergrad (before I was out) and years later for a second graduate degree (after I was out). During that second stint in Philly (in the 1990's) I made some good gay friends running with Philadelphia Frontrunners and swimming with FINS. Try checking those or other gay sports clubs.

    But, speaking more generally, I agree with those posters who have said that it just gets harder to make friends as you get older and more and more of one's friends get focused on their own partners, kids, jobs, homes and pets...

    I know I for one wish I had more single, pet-less and childless buddies to hang around with....



    Why can't your friends have pets?
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    Sep 29, 2013 3:35 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    duluthrunner saidI spent a lot of years in Philadelphia, first for undergrad (before I was out) and years later for a second graduate degree (after I was out). During that second stint in Philly (in the 1990's) I made some good gay friends running with Philadelphia Frontrunners and swimming with FINS. Try checking those or other gay sports clubs.

    But, speaking more generally, I agree with those posters who have said that it just gets harder to make friends as you get older and more and more of one's friends get focused on their own partners, kids, jobs, homes and pets...

    I know I for one wish I had more single, pet-less and childless buddies to hang around with....



    Why can't your friends have pets?


    Oh, they're always busy worrying about their dogs. They can't road trip because they have to take care of their dogs. Well, I guess I was exaggerating because I was in a bad mood earlier. I take it back -- pets are fine though I still don't want to have any.
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    Sep 30, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/06/13/a-survey-of-lgbt-americans/4/

    SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-14.png

    "For lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender adults, their close friends are a mix of people who are LGBT and people who are not. Only 12% of all LGBT adults say all or most of their close friends are LGBT. An additional 42% say some of their close friends are LGBT, about one-third (35%) say only a few of their friends are LGBT, and 9% say none of their friends are.

    There are significant differences across LGB groups. Gay men are more likely than lesbians or bisexuals to have a lot of LGBT friends. Some 22% of gay men say all or most of their close friends are LGBT, compared with 12% of lesbians and 5% of bisexuals. Among bisexuals, fully half say only a few (41%) or none (12%) of their friends are LGBT. Bisexual men are much more likely than bisexual women (67% vs. 47%) to say only a few or none of their close friends are LGBT.

    Not surprisingly, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender adults who have lived in an LGBT neighborhood are more likely than those who have not to have a lot of LGBT friends. Among those who live in an LGBT neighborhood now or have in the past, 21% say all or most of their friends are LGBT. Among those who haven’t lived in this type of neighborhood, only 10% say the same
    "