Where has all the hardness gone?

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    Nov 24, 2008 10:52 AM GMT
    I came out very late, and while I found gay sex wonderful, very often I was surprised & disappointed with my lovers in one regard: their lack of hardness.

    Now being a late bloomer, most of the guys I tricked & dated then were 30s to early 50s, not very young studs, so I realize that age was a factor. But shouldn't a guy in his 30s still get really stiff?

    This "failure" rate ran about 50%, of guys who could at least get it up, but more a swelling than really hard. They'd usually apologize on their own for it, admitting this was their usual condition, and not my fault, though I never complained to them myself. They'd still manage to cum, and were certainly eager & enthusiastic about sex, but I remained surprised at how few guys got rock hard like I still do to this day.

    So I wonder, is this common, or was my luck just bad? What's been your experience with different lovers? Commentary on your own degree of hardness isn't required, but what you've noticed in other guys of varying ages. I begin to think that Viagra-type products have met a need in a far younger group than the senior citizens commonly thought to mostly use them.
  • Koaa2

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    Nov 25, 2008 12:35 PM GMT
    I think a lot of it has to do with what level of physical fitness a guy is in. If he is out of shape and doesn't exercise the level of hardness will be less. Also smoking and diet play a big part. If those veins and arteries are clogged, less blood can get in the penis, thus it is softer.

    Most of the guys in those Viagra ads probably do not need it, as they all look so active and physically fit.
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    Nov 25, 2008 12:46 PM GMT
    I did wonder if smoking, and perhaps drinking, played a part. Gay men seem to smoke at a higher rate than straight men do these days. Though I'd imagine a health-aware group like RJ would have fewer smokers than the gay average.
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    Nov 25, 2008 2:27 PM GMT
    There is clearly some physical aspects but most of it is mental. Any man will notice that by their late 30s their erections do not stand as high as they did as a teenager. The bigger the dick the more this is the case. This is true for even the healthiest of men.

    Then there are the emotional influences. The last time I feel in love was in my early 40s. I was getting teenage erections every time the guy touched me. I could have gone two or three times a day with him.

    By the time a gay man reaches his late 30s he has either been shelter in (a) long-term relationship(s) or playing the field for 10 to 20 years. If he has been playing the field he has probably been slapped around emotionally several times. He is likely to have all kinds of mental defense mechanism going off that can have a chilling effect on a passionate moment. At one extreme he could be asking himself what he is doing in bed with a stranger he has no interest in seeing again. He could be bored with casual sex and want something more. At the other extreme he could be totally infatuated and possibly intimated to the point that he can't get any form of an erection. The latter is exactly the experience I had on the night I met the lover mentioned above. We were suppose to have quick casual sex and I immediately realized I wanted an affair or nothing at all.

    A similar experience occurred more recently on a business trip to Australia. By my last night I had already tasted the local cuisine and was feeling quite satiated. Then I met what could best be described as the portrait of what I would want to date. So damn good looking, physically fit and spoke so thoughtfully with that sexy downunder accent. My first thought was to regret that I was not more horny but also that even if I were I would have trouble handling him. We had sex, ate dinner, he stayed the night and we had sex again. We spoke most of the night but he came twice and I came once. The sex for me was not hot and heavy because I knew I'd be hopping on a plane the next morning and never see him again. It was as if someone said, this is exactly the solemate you want but you can only have him one night. The sex would probably had been better if he had acted like a porn star instead of just looking like one. Then I could treat it as a purely sexual experience.

    We men don't want to deal with our deep seeded emotions, instead we reach for a pill to solve our problems.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Nov 25, 2008 5:07 PM GMT
    Psychological issues can be part of it, but as a man ages, physical changes take over. Unless one limits alcohol, does not smoke, follows a proper diet, maintains a proper weight and exercises on a regular basis, they are going to have more severe erection problems, and thus more psychological difficulties, than those who do.
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    Nov 26, 2008 9:04 PM GMT
    If it means so much to you why don't you have some Viagra handy to give them? That'll sort out the stiffy problem.
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    Nov 26, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidIf it means so much to you why don't you have some Viagra handy to give them? That'll sort out the stiffy problem.


    Interesting approach. But as I said, I don't draw attention to it myself, out of respect for the other guy. Plus, Viagra and others are prescription, which some guys shouldn't be taking without a doctor's approval.

    It's a moot point for me now anyway, having a partner, but I doubt I'd offer that kind of drug to a guy even if I were single again. The coroner's inquiry could be quite awkward... LOL!!!
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    Nov 26, 2008 11:00 PM GMT
    I don't think Viagra has killed anyone yet.
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    Nov 27, 2008 1:35 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidI don't think Viagra has killed anyone yet.


    maybe not, but there are now guys in there 20's who can't get it up and Viagra doesn't work for them after using it recreationally
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    Nov 27, 2008 5:29 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    redheadguy saidI don't think Viagra has killed anyone yet.


    maybe not, but there are now guys in there 20's who can't get it up and Viagra doesn't work for them after using it recreationally


    That is really sad. In my 20s I remember the shock of guys looking at me at the gym and then playing with themselves. (I say shock but remember I was in my 20s and still new to this public display of affection) It always made me hard and would take forever to go down leaving me mortified. Then again I decide I had to be gay when I slept with a beautiful Brazilian female model and couldn't get hard. Would viagra have made a difference?

    Recently I was at the gym and the showers were exceptionally crowded. I took one of the few remain which was beside a young guy that looked a bit elongated. While showering I notice it had gone from elongated to pointing to the sky. Then I had to start thinking about something else or I might find myself rising to the occasion. I hurried my shower so as not to run into a straight friend watching me shower beside a guy with a full fledge boner and me fighting one myself. When I finished my shower I looked back at the room and saw why it was so crowded. Most of the guys showering were gay and they were probably waiting for it to pop up again.