Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option

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    Sep 29, 2013 12:42 AM GMT
    If you don't like "TL'DR" posts, leave now. Else...

    So, there is this guy who I've reconnected with. And, last week, we met for a lite bite after his rehearsal and after I had gotten my own work done. Nailing him down to a place, date and time was already tenuous at best. But, he showed up. We had a great time.

    We planned to spend tonight "cuddling" and just watching TV. Those of you who know me know that I don't own a TV and generally don't watch TV. What was important was to share some time together and if this was what he wanted to do to unwind, I was cool with it.

    We txt'd through the week and everything seemed on for tonight. Again, he didn't seem to want to "calendar" the night like I tend to do with my other friends, but I was cool with that. Some people may not be as structured with their schedules and calendars as I am.

    This morning he texts me, "I need to double check with my roommate. She just informed me that her family might be staying over."

    Despite what my gut was feeling, I txt'd back, "Ok. Let me know if we're still on if they stay over. Otherwise, what do you suggest?"

    After no response, 4.5 hours later, I txt'd the following: "Hi (name). Because of the last minute uncertainty that is now impacting our plans from last week, I'm going to bow out for tonight. I'm going to do something definite for tonight instead of waiting on people I don't even know to make a determination which impacts what we previously planned. I hope you have a good evening. I hope you have a good time at Folsom tomorrow. Take care and hugz, Alan"

    20 minutes later, he responds: "Ok, I was just going to get in touch with you...Have a good one."

    Have you faced situations like this?
    What have you done in the past?




    P.S. I'm eating blackberry cheesecake on Market Street! Yum!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    He's a pathetic fake fake F A K E! his dam lose..what can a person do can't shoot em just live your life to the fullest and be good to yourself. Funny after a year or so I just recently changed my headline from "I'm extremely allergic to flakes!" to "No day but today". At this point I am just about ready to resign to a life of cybersex and chocolate oatie oats with almond milk for breakfast lunch dinner and dessert!!!icon_cool.gif ps whats a TL'DR post?
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    Sep 29, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    You're right, he saw you as an option.

    Physical intimacy creates stronger emotions and I'm guessing that after your evening together you had real hopes but now you're feeling rather let down and disappointed. My suggestion would be that in the future avoid cuddling and physical intimacy and just get to know each other at first.
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    Sep 29, 2013 3:50 AM GMT
    Maybe I'm just jaded what with so many fakes and flakes out there but I avoid going out of my way for anybody unless they first prove themselves reliable. In your type of situation I give people a firm deadline like: "Confirm with me by 4:00pm or I'll make alternate plans."
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    Sep 29, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    Sounds very flaky of him!!! So sorryicon_sad.gif And where can you get good cheesecake in the Bay Area besides the Cheesecake Factory?...please shareicon_cool.gif
  • donnygg

    Posts: 19

    Sep 29, 2013 5:19 AM GMT
    When I was in the Bay area, I chatted with a guy on Jack'd and he said he wanted to meetup some time the first time we chatted. He didn't message me again though he checked out my profile. When I messaged him and asked him out, he sounded excited to hear from me again and apologised for not messaging as he was busy. We arranged to meet that Saturday but I had to reschedule on Friday night for Sunday due to work. He was ok with that but 1.5hr before the meetup, he texted and asked for a rain check without an explanation. I texted him the following Thursday asking if he would like to meet for dinner on Friday, he said he's not sure because he had a friend visiting who's staying with him. So I told him it's ok then and to message me when it's good for him. I wasn't holding my breathe he would contact me again and sure enough he didn't.

    A few weeks later, I realised he went back to his home country and got back only a month later on the week that I was to leave the US. On the night before I left, I sent him an amiable message, along the line of hi, hope all is well, unfortunately we never got to meet, all the best, bye. I wasn't expecting a reply (ok, mb I was but I wasn't hopeful), perhaps more a closure for me. He read my profile at 3am and again at 9am but did not reply (weird thing is a guy messaged me minutes after he read it at 3am, but that's another story). Then at night, 3h before my flight, he messaged me asking if I was still around, explaining he'd just returned to the US. So, we did a bit of small talk and him asking if I'm leaving now (with a frownie emoticon attached).

    I knew he was applying for faculty positions at that time and seemed like a busy guy but I just don't think he was that interested (he was often online on various apps). Maybe I'm gun shy but I just don't feel he would have messaged me or asked me out even if he was around. He might already knew he would be out of town and it would be a good excuse for fading out. He probably replied out of courtesy, or even guilt and embarrassment (which wasn't my intention). Or maybe he just wanted to avoid possible future awkwardness if he ended up at my university.

    I think your actions are appropriate and mature. The only thing is that your message has a hint of passive-aggressiveness, which I would refrain from as it indicates that you are affected by his flakiness and that might stroke his ego. The cynic in me says he would not be "just going to get in touch with you" if you didn't send that message.

    Since this is a "reconnection", I'm curious how did you guys lose contact the first time round? Either way, sounds like you've been jumping through hoops to get to meet him. Not worth the time effort really. The right guy for you wouldn't require you to do all that.



    PS: Ah, so you're an ENFJ. He sounds like an ExxP type, which like to keep things open-ended. J types tend to prefer a little more certainty/order in our lives than P types (especially EPs, which can be highly distractable and flaky). Not the best match when it comes to scheduling. Your wordy text message is similar to mine and the guy I chatted with was concise like your guy, hehe.

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    Sep 29, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    donnygg said...

    I think your actions are appropriate and mature. The only thing is that your message has a hint of passive-aggressiveness, which I would refrain from as it indicates that you are affected by his flakiness and that might stroke his ego. The cynic in me says he would not be "just going to get in touch with you" if you didn't send that message.

    Since this is a "reconnection", I'm curious how did you guys lose contact the first time round? ...



    Oh, there was no "passive-aggressive" about it. I wanted to be clear, without being a total prick, that the date was off and there would be no reschedule. San Francisco is a small town. It's best not to burn bridges.

    The first time we connected, he was also challenging to schedule time with. At that time, I just let it (and him) go. I was super busy at the time as well, so it was easy to move on.

    The second time around, we happened to run into each other and he asked me if I "just wasn't into him" from the first time. Hence, we gave it a shot the other week.

    However this time, I recognized the pattern and decided that my self-respect demanded a different approach.

    I did do "definite" things tonight and not only got to eat cheesecake, but also got to get more of my Castillano flash cards made while I drank wine on the Google Hangout with my RJ peeps!
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    Sep 29, 2013 6:44 AM GMT
    MikkyB saidSounds very flaky of him!!! So sorryicon_sad.gif And where can you get good cheesecake in the Bay Area besides the Cheesecake Factory?...please shareicon_cool.gif


    Sweet Tempatations bakery at 2239 Market Street in San Francisco. I go there several times a week.
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    Sep 29, 2013 6:45 AM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidYou're right, he saw you as an option.

    Physical intimacy creates stronger emotions and I'm guessing that after your evening together you had real hopes but now you're feeling rather let down and disappointed. My suggestion would be that in the future avoid cuddling and physical intimacy and just get to know each other at first.


    Yeah, I was looking forward to some cuddling (rather than sex). But, I came away with my self-respect...which is even better than cuddling.
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    Sep 29, 2013 12:31 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidBut, I came away with my self-respect...which is even better than cuddling.


    You nicknamed your right hand Self-Respect?
  • helloandgoodb...

    Posts: 620

    Sep 29, 2013 12:37 PM GMT
    fuck him, well not literally. Literally, ignore him and fuck me instead!
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    Sep 29, 2013 12:53 PM GMT
    Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option

    A valuable saying, the sort of thing I should have had made into a framed sampler on my wall years ago. It would have saved me a lot of wasted time and heartache. icon_sad.gif

    Though I gather your own relationship with this guy is not so intense as mine were, with guys who didn't reciprocate. A "priority" of scheduling in your case, not of the heart. But I think your saying still applies to those others, as well.
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    Sep 29, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    Sounds like a nice clean break icon_biggrin.gif

    Good riddance, goodbye!

    I've heard a variation "Never be an an Option to someone else's Priority" ie don't get involved with someone who has a BF! I was the option to his lover of 4.5 years. After 2 years of occasional hook ups, and 2 months of intense 5x a week, I had enough of the down low Bull Shit. Supposedly an open relationship, but wasn't.

    It was fun, but ultimately a negative experience. I hate to say it, but I'd like to do it again! But I won't! It ran it's course and it was done. At least you didn't get attached icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    Spoken for truth - this also applies to your regular friends as well. Who wants to be friends with someone who is only going to text or call when it suits them best? When all their other options fail? NOBODY.

    I can tell you about SO many people I've considered friends but only ever had anything to do with me when their fuck buddy didn't show up or a group of their other friends dropped out of plans. And these are the type of people who don't even respect you enough to try to hide that fact since they think you're so desperate for other people that they'll tell you "Oh I called because such and such..." y'know - not because I actually wanted to spend time with you. This becomes especially apparent when it's your birthday....

    It's poisonous. Nip such relationships in the bud. I have. And I'm MUCH happier.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 29, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    All too often "Easier Said Than Done".




    icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 6:19 PM GMT
    rnch saidAll too often "Easier Said Than Done".




    icon_sad.gif


    It was very easy once I figured the clue. The key was listening to, and trusting my gut.
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    Sep 29, 2013 8:58 PM GMT
    Not always easy to balance your two hands, the right hand named Self-Respect and the left hand named Scorecard.

    hBB374B8B

    GAMRican said...The second time around...he asked me if I "just wasn't into him" from the first time.
    &
    eagermuscle said...unless they first prove themselves...

    =

    Some guys will always find excuses to remain alone for whatever their personal internal reasons while other guys for their own reasons will always bend over backwards for love.

    gif-dog-table-balance-435195.gif

    And I don't know if you ever really find an absolute balance--maybe that's naturally in flux--or if you even know if you've taken the correct course until after it's too late, after things have either worked out or fallen apart. Certainly you won't find that out if you don't give it that chance, even if you think, and you might be right, that you've figured it all out before hand.

    So there's a lot of unknowns.

    My first guy I pursued: that turned into what I thought was a pretty good two-year relationship but then he dumped me. Too late to scorecard him. And then he tried to be friendly with me again. Sorry, but you've already been scorecarded.

    My 2nd guy and I were pretty mutually attracted, judging by the level of the sexual tension between us and he lasted 10 years until death. But when I think a back on it, I probably put more into our relationship than did he. But that time the gamble paid off, unlike the time before. And my third guy and I, there was pretty much no unbalanced effort at all. No scorecarding that I recall. We just knew each other. But we weren't really into each other sexually so, well, one less ball to keep in the air.

    Not all investments pay off sweetly, some go sour. But if you always scorecard others, which I don't think we ever entirely avoid, then given a world of wallflowers, nothing ever grows. Sometimes you have to put up with bullshit to keep things fertile.

    How I've somewhat resolved this to my own level of comfort is that I'd not have written off so quickly someone I thought I liked. I've a 75/25 rule. Life doesn't have to be 50/50 for me. I recognize that most if not all of us are to some degree damaged and strategizing in attempts to assure that we're not getting fucked.

    There's nothing wrong with self-respect until it becomes self-protection such that it kicks in at the slightest hint of potential pain. Sometimes when we are protecting our feelings we are also preventing ourselves from feeling.

    It's lovely to think that romance is full of grace, but, truth is, you're not really doing it right until your love life looks like this
    clown-0027.gif
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    Sep 29, 2013 9:08 PM GMT
    theantijock said...

    It's lovely to think that romance is full of grace, but, truth is, you're not really doing it right until your love life looks like this
    clown-0027.gif


    And then something changes. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2013 11:27 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    theantijock said...

    It's lovely to think that romance is full of grace, but, truth is, you're not really doing it right until your love life looks like this
    clown-0027.gif


    And then something changes. icon_lol.gif


    IX66LI3Q50y0tULKZlEGWw2.gif