I have this friend I am worried about...

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    Nov 24, 2008 6:50 PM GMT
    Okay, so my friend was talking to me the other day and tell me out his BF is always checking his personal e-mail when he(my friend) leaves the window open, and said that he always sees his BF checking the history on his computer to see where he has been. And he also went on to say he tells him how long he can stay on the computer and stuff. So i asked him to take this test on GMDVP (Gay men's domestic violence project) http://www.gmdvp.org/ . He said he couldn't cause his BF would find a way to find it.

    I mean what kind of juiced up controlling jack ass does that crap so someone he "Loves?" Any advice on what i should tell him to do?
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    Nov 24, 2008 6:58 PM GMT
    This is more of an issue of trust as opposed to control.
    The bf sounds insecure and needy and untrusting.

    If it was about control, he would probably be outright asking: "who do you email, who emails you and why... what sites are you on, why... I don't want you doing this and that, you can't do this and that..."

    Either way, it's doubtful there will be any changes forth coming - short of therapy... It may be time to pack up and move on.
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    Nov 24, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    Haha funny story, he tried that, but was guilt tripped into coming back
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    Nov 24, 2008 7:33 PM GMT
    How about installing a keystroke logger on the BFs computer?

    Bet the BF is sneaking around and feeling guilty.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Nov 24, 2008 7:58 PM GMT
    I bet the bf is doing some cheating on his own, feeling guilty, and projecting these feelings onto your friend. I wouldn't bet a great amount on the length of this relationship.
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    Nov 24, 2008 7:59 PM GMT
    Sounds like he needs a new bf before things spiral out of control. If they already have not this is just the things your friend told you about, I'm sure there is a lot more. TRUST ME! If he's doing this there are things he's not telling and you are a good friend to refer him to that site.

    My first lover hit me once and he regretted it because he found out that I hit back. After that I move out two weeks later I found a new apt. We were done.

    Can't live with someone who will hit or cheat!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 24, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
    Tell your friend ...
    instead of coming to you and bitching about it
    he should be telling his "BF" ..... WTF is goin on? Who the hell are you to be checking up on everything I do !

    and if he thinks he doesn't have the right to say that then he's the "jackass"
    not the BF
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    Nov 24, 2008 9:59 PM GMT
    i think you should steer clear of this drama all together. offer no advice and listen to none of the complaining. why bring that turmoil into your mind? its not your job to help or save him, he has free will and needs to figure this out on his own.
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    Nov 24, 2008 10:02 PM GMT
    Tell him to get the hell out!!! I personally would just stand up for myself and tell him to stop snooping and see a therapist before our relationship moved forward, but you never know what the situation REALLY is unless you are in there. The best advice is to not give the other person the benefit of the doubt and to just tell him to hit the road. He wont, will learn his lesson at some point, and just be the best friend you can be to him until that happens. If you do say too much, it will eventually get back to the bully-boyfriend and you may end up out of the picture. Don't do too much or he wont have anyone to turn to when it all gets bad. Your friend also needs therapy as he obviously is unable to intertwine self-respect and the need for love. The best advice for you is to manoeuvre a breakthrough for your friend. Be positive and try to inspire your friend to realize he deserves better without actually saying too much negative about the bad guy. This is his best chance to get out quick.
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    Nov 24, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    Dealing with domestic violence offenders on a daily basis as part of my job, what I can say is that this looks like the beginning of the domestic violence cycle. However, if the "victim" wishes to remain in the relationship, about all that you can do is be there for support. Love is a strange thing, and part of the cycle of power and control is to isolate the victim from his friends, so he'll need your support eventually. So, my advice: be there for support, because he'll need it.
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    Nov 25, 2008 3:14 AM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidThis is more of an issue of trust as opposed to control.
    The bf sounds insecure and needy and untrusting.

    If it was about control, he would probably be outright asking: "who do you email, who emails you and why... what sites are you on, why... I don't want you doing this and that, you can't do this and that..."

    Either way, it's doubtful there will be any changes forth coming - short of therapy... It may be time to pack up and move on.


    sorry for the long post, but this hits way close to home. I have first hand
    experience in this.
    HOLY SHIT MAN... THIS IS WHAT HAPPEND TO ME. BODYWORK, WHAT YOU JUST WROTE HAPPENED TO ME. A GUY WOULD JOIN WEBSITES JUST BECAUSE I WAS ON THERE. REALJOCK IS ONE OF THEM. THEN HE WOULD ASK ME WHAT BAR IM GOING TO, WHERE DID I HANG OUT, WHO WAS I WITH. HE EVEN HAD PEOPLE HE KNOWS TELL HIM WHERE I WAS. ALL THIS WHILE HE WAS CHEATING ON ME. ONCE I BREAK THINGS OFF FOR GOOD I GET WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND TELL THEM ABOUT IT.HE FREAKS OUT AND SAYS IM A CHEATER AND NASTY FOR DOING SO. I WAS DONE AND GOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE AFTER HIM. HE GOT WITH TWO PEOPLE WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. I DO IT AND IM THE MONSTER AND CHEATER.b]



    I don't know why guys get so possessive, at first its cute, but when they start suspecting you and spying on you (basicly stalking) thats when it gets creepy. What is worse is when they play games to make you jealous. When someone can't believe you just want them, they always start a fight.
    I shouldn't have to defend myself to a bf... Any guy that can't trust you and has to check up on you needs help. If I wanted more then one person I'd do so, I wouldn't have a bf.

    [b]We all learn from these things, tell your friend that any relationship shouldn't be like this. If there isn't trust, you shouldn't be with them. The longer he lets this go, the worse it will get. You should never have to explain yourself because your spouse is a jealous obsessive fool.


    Trust me man, I have a retraining order on someone that wouldn't stop trying to get with me. I said we were just friends and he took it upon himself to ruin possible relationships. I also have a retraining order from a guy that stalked me and his "psychic" friend convince me that he was my soul mate. I didn't knows this person and thought they were telling the truth. This guy paid this lady to tell me things, things he knew about me. This women said that If i dont get with him I will live a horrible life.

    There are some loons out there, what if this friend of yours gets killed by this man. Some go so far, that their dis-trust turns into hate. Because they are so obsessed, it becomes something domestic and just look at the news.
    lovers quarrels are becoming one of the major crimes today. If your friend doesn't pull out he might find himself beat up or dead.My sister and mother were almost killed by there obsessive/abusive ex husbands.