Best ways to come out to straight, male, close friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 2:36 PM GMT
    The title pretty much says it all. I am seeing someone who's already out of the closet and I've decided its time to start the arduous process of coming out. The problem is, nearly ALL of my mates are straight men.

    I've decided to start with my closest 3 mates, I have no idea how they're gonna react, but they mean a lot to me and I figured I'd need their support to face our extended group of friends later on. I think they must have some sort of clue because even though I'm very "straight acting" I constantly reject girls and I haven't tried anything with any girl in a very long time.

    Any advice will be highly appreciated boys!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 30, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    I'd say do it casually, and one to one. Even if it is on the phone. Just call or meet up for some normal event and at some point when you two can talk privately, just say something like, "John, you know I'm gay, don't you?" If the answer is cool, either way, just go on with the comment that the reason you want to say something is you've started getting serious with someone and thought it was time to speak up. If he's a good friend, he'll take that as a compliment. Good luck and I wouldn't worry too much. It's easier than you think. I know, I had to tell my two grown sons. I was a bundle of nerves even though I knew their values were good. You still feel like you're taking a chance with something important so you get nervous. Just think of it as stage fright and keep it simple.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    Sep 30, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    I would avoid asking your friend if he knows you're gay, like the previous poster stated. I was in a similar situation recently. I told my two best guy friends, each separately. I basically asked if we could talk really quick, usually when they were doing something non-important, like relaxing at home, and I told them "Ive been wanting to tell you for a while now, I like guys." I purposefully made sure to not say "gay" because I feel like there are a lot of bad connotations with that word, the meaning is obviously the same. I just think it makes it less of a big deal. Both of them are pretty masculine and I'm the first gay person they've known on a close level. They took it well, I'm sure your friends will too.

    Best of luck, dude! Let us know how it goes. And just remember, they are your best friends because they care about you, that won't change after you tell them. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 30, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    One can hardly help being a bundle of nerves in this situation, but take a few deep breaths and get as calm and centered as you can. The more at ease you are with yourself when you present this information, the easier it may be for the person hearing it. I.E. when you convey feelings of guilt or shame, taking a confessional tone, they can tune into that and take their cue from it. The same applies when you're able to say it in a casual, confident, matter of fact, "this is who I am" way.

    Props to you for taking the next step. It is a courageous thing to do, and -- whatever the outcome -- you will ultimately feel free when you are no longer bearing the burden of secrecy. I hope all goes as you wish. Keep us posted!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 30, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    I have used this method several times:

    Have an adult beverage (or two) with them to mellow them out, sit across (not next to them!) the table from them, and clearly & non-emotionally, using as few words as possible, tell them the truth.

    IF they truly are your close friend they prolly already know...or at least Strongly Suspect.

    If they drop you then they are NOT the "close friend" you thought them to be and not worth perusing/trying to keep in your life.
  • ai82

    Posts: 183

    Sep 30, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    They probably already know or atleast have an inkling. You could casually mention that you're seeing a new guy and see how they respond.
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    Sep 30, 2013 4:50 PM GMT
    All the advice above me is very good, and I don't have anything much to add, other than to echo what is above: Put a positive, upbeat spin on what you're conveying, and let nothing in your message suggest guilt or shame. Be proud of yourself and confident - and their perception of you will likely parrot or blend with your view of yourself. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    Why the need for some announcement? Just start living your life honestly. You say you are seeing someone; just start bringing him around your straight friends. No need to be overtly affectionate with him. Your friends will see how you two interact and will get the picture. I'm sure they have their suspicions anyway. Some may come out and ask. Then you can confirm their suspicions.

    If you lose any friendships over your sexual orientation, you didn't have much of a friend or one you'd want to keep anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 5:42 PM GMT
    Great advice above.
    One more thing. When you tell them make it clear that you are not coming on to them/suspect they are into guys as well.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 30, 2013 6:03 PM GMT
    buddy, i am at a lost but i am sure others on here can tell you how
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 7:21 PM GMT
    now what bra, tell them straight up, im gay and ull be done. Dnt beat around the bush and make an akward situation even worse. The quicker u say it the better. Play trick when comimg out is usually a ploy to see whether your friends or family will say it first, which will neva happen. Be strong and goodluck
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 30, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    you start with

    "I met someone and have fallen in love"

    let them rib you or congratulate you or what ever, then say

    "just one more thing ... he is a guy" icon_biggrin.gif
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 30, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidyou start with

    "I met someone and have fallen in love"

    let them rib you or congratulate you or what ever, then say

    "just one more thing ... he is a guy" icon_biggrin.gif
    ha ha ha i like this choice actually. just do not show up with him there.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 30, 2013 8:34 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidyou start with

    "I met someone and have fallen in love"

    let them rib you or congratulate you or what ever, then say

    "just one more thing ... he is a guy" icon_biggrin.gif
    This is way too cute. I know my straight guy friends wouldn't have appreciated the humor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    My Best Friend is a Straight Guy.

    I mentioned My Boyfriend the first night We met.

    He got it.

    Never once cared.

    He is like a Brother to Me.

    Being upfront and unapologetic seems to work.

    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    I see so many "Coming out to straight friends" posts.

    .. What confuses me is.. How could you not know how your close straight friends feel about gay marriage.. The gay scene.. Gay Men, Gay Anything..?

    .. I'm sure a relative topic has come up??..Right?? This should give you some Idea how your friends feel about gays..So you will 'have an Idea' how they MIGHT react to you.

    ..I like the.. "I have a crush on a dude" announcement..
  • Kiloohm

    Posts: 1

    Sep 30, 2013 10:25 PM GMT
    Same situation happened to me recently. I turned 30, decided it was time for me to do something with my life and start dating a guy (after a decade of not dating girls).

    Well lets just say a lot happened quickly so from that point on I decided to come out to my friends and family. I took it easy at first but within a week I just went through all my friends and family with something along the lines "I'm pretty sure it won't be a surprise to you at all but I decided at 30, I decided to do something with my life. And.... I met a guy and I'd like this relation to go somewhere".

    The reaction was so positive with the first few, happiness that I finally opened up, that it gave me confidence to keep going with the others.

    I didn't get any shocking reaction, they all had doubts but all figured I'd speak up when ready for it.
  • JBinSFO

    Posts: 90

    Sep 30, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    You haven't told us much about your friends - like if they are religious, or if they have ever said anything anti-gay, or whether Perth is a pretty pro-gay place (like sydney, say).

    But in general, I'd include these things: !) your sincerity and authenticity. 2) your desire to deepen your friendship by being honest with them rather than hiding from them 3) No alcohol or other mood altering substances. 4) Being open to their questions, however silly or ridiculous they might seem to them or you.

    However you do it, wish you all the luck buddy. Life is much better out of the closet than inside.
  • mrhappy21

    Posts: 6

    Sep 30, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    Good luck coming out to your bros - I'm sure it'll all go well
    Sometimes, though, you will have to be patient with some of your friends. In my personal experience, I remember that when I came out to one particular friend, we went through a few rough patches. Although he was 100% supportive of me, I couldn't help but notice that he suddenly became uncomfortable around me sometimes - such as when we would change in a locker room, take a piss in the men's room, or I would play defense during an intense pickup game of bball. Despite that discomfort, though, I could see that he was consciously making an effort to be supportive of me and preserve our friendship.
    I say this, not to denounce my friend as "homophobic" or "unsupportive" but rather to address some of the realities of coming out to straight men. Sure, some guys have ABSOLUTELY no problem and will still not care, both in word in action (These are the guys that will still be willing to skinny dip or go nude with you in a hot spring). Yet other guys may find out that as much as they want to support you as a friend, unconsciously they may be slightly uncomfortable. Should this happen with any of your friends, I suggest that you be patient with them and talk it all out. In the case of my friend, I find that despite his fear of me seeing him penis, he has been way more supportive of me then some of my other friends, whom I have seen nude countless times. (And after talking over a couple of beers, this friend also outgrew his discomfort of me playing defense on the court.)
    I guess the point I want to make is that supportive friends come in many different types - and some of them may have quirks (such as a sudden irrational fear of being seen nude). But at the end of the day, if you and a friend are able to openly discuss any potential barriers to your friendship and overcome them, such people are always worth keeping no matter what. Ideally all of your friends should be 100% supportive the moment you come out, but just be aware that others of them may be like a stubborn family member: they will still care about you, they still want to be friends with you, but the two of you will have to do a bit of talking in order to gain mutual understanding (which trust me, is totally worth it).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 1:22 AM GMT
    I came out to two of my close friends. How did I do it? I just told them. Thankfully, they accepted for who I am and for that I am glad. Be strong, bro.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    Tell you're gay. Be straight forward and unapologetic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    All of my closest friends from high school, including my best friend, are straight. I came out to them a few years after we graduated and none of them cared. I ended up going to each of their weddings and I was the best man for my best friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    All of the advice seems very good here. Yes you will be a bundle of nerves...but be strong and courageous and most of all GOOD LUCK!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 3:00 AM GMT
    kesky saidThe title pretty much says it all. I am seeing someone who's already out of the closet and I've decided its time to start the arduous process of coming out. The problem is, nearly ALL of my mates are straight men.

    I've decided to start with my closest 3 mates, I have no idea how they're gonna react, but they mean a lot to me and I figured I'd need their support to face our extended group of friends later on. I think they must have some sort of clue because even though I'm very "straight acting" I constantly reject girls and I haven't tried anything with any girl in a very long time.

    Any advice will be highly appreciated boys!




    Tell them that you can't hang out with them any more because you think you would be happier gay. Then it's on them if they wan tot renegotiate your friend ship on new terms.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2013 3:38 AM GMT
    Well congrats in advance! Your life will become immeasurably better. You'll feel a huge weight lifted from your shoulders. Just be matter of fact about it. No need for all the deep "I have something I wanna tell you..." kinda stuff if you don't want that. I just mention it in passing convo. when I feel like someone needs to know. Recently I was talking to a new friend who is a cool, straight, married with kids mainstream football player. It helped that he was an intelligent guy though for sure. I just said, "Ah man, you have beautiful kids (looking at some pics of his kids), I can't wait to adopt kids." He looked at me thoughtfully, I could tell he immediately knew what that meant. He asked, "Are you married?" I answered, "Na, I'd like to find the right dude and get married but we don't have official gay marriage in Illinois, I may have to move back home to DC or to NYC." He smiled and said, "Yeah, I hear ya man. My sister's gay and she and her partner wanna get married..." Voila! Chin up, you'll be fine! Good luck icon_biggrin.gif