Mind Games...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2007 5:21 PM GMT
    I've been going to a local gay bar here in Tacoma (Airport Tavern on South Tacoma Way). I've made some good friends, but the guys are very much into "protecting" me, since I'm "very fresh meat" and "naive".

    They do basically three things - tell me all the negative things about the other men in the bar (protective), get me all hot and bothered, then leave me high and dry, and try to scare the shit out of me, by telling me that someone is going to give me a disease or beat me senseless.

    Oh, one more -- pat me on the back, and tell me that it will happen in due time.

    They're really turning me off to being gay. I thought being gay was all about being free, being sexual, and having fun.

    In one breath, they tell me how handsome, hot and sexy I am, but then turn right around and tell me that not everyone wants to have sex with me (which is more than painfully obvious - as no one is having sex with me).

    Why do men feel like playing these mind games is so fun? Don't they understand that it's hurtful, especially for someone who is just out and looking for acceptance and real love and affection, and is unsure of himself?

    Makes me want to just forget the whole thing and be single for the rest of my life.

    Yeah, this is where you all tell me to "get over myself." Another game. Tear the new guy down, destroy his self-esteem and self-worth so that he goes back into the closet.

    Please don't do this to other guys. Don't lie to them and tell them they're sexy and you'd sleep with them, then brush them off. Please be real, honest and less inclined to play games.
  • Nudista

    Posts: 158

    Sep 15, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    Hey Sundown...I'm sure the change into the gay world may have you a little confused/depressed and possibly insecure...but thats true of any transition in life...keep that in mind.

    The guys at the bar sound like real loosers to get you all hot and heavy then disappear. I can only speak for myself but the most you'r going to get from me is "your a handsome dude"...whether it be you or George Clooney....anything more than that starts getting pretty tacky even if I had intentions of taking it further. What you will get alot of if you and i were real friends...is support, understanding, and guidance as a good friend would. May sound boring to you...may not...but that i think is what you need coming into a new environment.

    If you are just looking for a hook-up....things get very easy from there. These days the internet is the gateway to a hook-up playground.

    Im not in any way telling you to "get over yourself" or trying to tear you down....but try to figure out what your really looking for...is it a hook up?? Because kind of sounds like your out to find sex. Or is it a realtionship???

    Figure that out for yourself and I think the rest will soon come together...give yourself time. Insecurity is easy to detect in someone and thats often times a big turnoff to alot of people.

    I wish you the best...
    AMB
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    Sep 16, 2007 12:38 AM GMT
    Well said - need to be honest with yourself and admit whether you are looking for hookup or relationship. And hookups are fine and serve their purpose, but don't confuse your desire for one or the other. As for the mind games, I've experienced it so much too. I call it being manipulative, and I can't stand it one bit. My advice: don't put up with it. And by that I usually mean this: either call the person out on it or just tell the guy "well have a good night" and break off the communication. That's how you let the manipulative person know that you won't put up for that stuff. That's how your integrity is established and you'll be respected for it. Don't be played for a fool.
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    Sep 16, 2007 3:49 AM GMT
    Well, obviously, long term, I'm looking for a partner, a lover, a buddy all rolled into one, but until that time comes, I want to turn a trick or two (sounds bad, doesn't it?) for the experience and the comfort, and just plain to get my rocks off with someone who can enjoy it with me, not in spite of me.

    I'm not experienced, guys, and I'm not afraid to admit that, but it's getting pretty damned frustrating trying to find someone to have some fun with, and feel close to. But I won't find out what I want and what I like and whether I'm a top or a bottom if I don't get laid a few times, y'know???

    I'll repeat this -- why are all the really great guys either taken or across the United States from me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2007 4:45 AM GMT
    Welcome to the great truth of the male world:

    No one is getting as much sex as he would like.

    Otherwise nothing would ever have been built, created , or even planned. We would still be out in the jungle somewhere plowing each other 24/7/365.

    Good Luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2007 10:12 AM GMT
    If you want to explore your sexuality with people who'll give you the straight-up-and-down (so to speak), try a sauna/bathhouse. Worked for me!
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Sep 16, 2007 1:54 PM GMT
    I am just getting over a guys I like who refuse to have sex with me. It strange because he really the one who chasing me, calling me, sending SMS , telling me how goodlooking I am.

    So finally I get him to my city apartment. And guess what?. He only want to hug me and dont even allow me to zip out his trouser. I feel really rejected and confuse. When I ask him to leave he give me a very passionate hug and kinda refuse to let go.

    Some guys are like that. Only they know what their agenda is. I feel really bad because I really look forward to spend the weekend with him and think maybe we have something going on together.

  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Sep 16, 2007 4:11 PM GMT
    I may be wrong, but I believe the way you were protecting your wife from all of this in the beginning shows that you know the difference between Love & Sex and that they're not the SAME.

    Not that I'm judging people that go to bars or clubs because I like to go every once in a while, but here in the south our mothers taught us we would find our sweet nothings in church. Mainly a girl, but, nontheless, I did find my first man sitting at the piano one Sunday morning. The difference between a slut and whore... LMAO What stereotypes. I hate them!!! lol

    So dude, take it easy. If you need to talk, chat me up.

    LANCE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2007 5:54 PM GMT
    This is a good topic!

    Those guys who are trying to protect you seem bitter. I think you should have alittle fun first and but the ltr on the back burner.

    lachaleur86 is totally right these guys are trying to be manipulative.

    They want to control you or maybe have you as a back-up when their life isn't doing so great.

    My spirit says you should start off looking for guys in a relax setting. maybe like the local gay bar with a pool table. Nothing to out of control.

    I been to Tacoma before and that place is way conserative. So your options are limited. Maybe you should come to San Francisco for a wild hey day. Folsom street fair is this month. I'll be there!
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    Sep 18, 2007 7:18 PM GMT
    I'd say not to try so hard. Take the time to explore your newly found gayness.

    You said, "obviously I'm looking for something long term." Unfortunately, that's not obvious to everyone.

    Also, coming out of any relationship such as yourself, perhaps you should try getting reaquainted with yourself. After all you've been through, it would probably be best to take some time to reflect, reevaluate and rebuild, instead of looking for your next relationship.

    You seem to be searching outward for answers about you being gay as well as trying to find people or that special person to fill some kind of void. I think you should take some time by searching within.

    Giving yourself the gift of being out and who you are is huge! Some people will go to their grave not being who they really are. Pat yourself on the back for your courage and enjoy the new you. Think of it as a new adventure. No one can tell you how to be you. Look to yourself for the answers.

    Good luck. - Jorel

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    Sep 18, 2007 11:56 PM GMT
    I wholeheartedly agree. I am in a similar situation as Sundown, and have made a pact with myself to get my head and life together before I even begin looking for "love". After having lived with my wife for 17 years, it's a huge adjustment being on my own, as well as beginning to embrace the "real me". Being that I also have two kids that are with me alot, I need to make sure they're adjusting to the new living situation before I concentrate on dating, meeting a guy, etc.

    As long as you're happy and adjusted to the new you, go for it, but make sure it's for the right reasons. The way I see it, I am in no hurry to find someone. It'll happen when it happens, and I've waited my whole life, what's a few months?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2007 3:31 AM GMT
    Sundown:

    Be patient. I know that's becoming a frequent refrain of mine in the threads I post to, but I believe it. I cannot imagine the transition from straight/wife/kids to gay, since I never experienced it, but you'll be better off in the long run. I hope your wife was not your first sexual/love experience, but if she was, that's probably one of your relationship problems. And that's even more reason to give yorself an opportunity to screw up with gay sex/relationships before you find THE ONE.

    I dodged one hetero wedding, before I figured out I was gay and two after I figured out I was gay, but still outwardly denied it. I went through a lot of gay relationships (1 or 2 day/week relationships, totalling one year) before I met HIM! Did I know it when I met him? Hell, no! He wrote me a note, and said he had a great time and would like to do it again. That started a weekend/weekend exchange between our residences, and exchange of rings six weeks after.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Jun 17, 2010 8:58 AM GMT
    zakariahzol saidI am just getting over a guys I like who refuse to have sex with me. It strange because he really the one who chasing me, calling me, sending SMS , telling me how goodlooking I am.

    So finally I get him to my city apartment. And guess what?. He only want to hug me and dont even allow me to zip out his trouser. I feel really rejected and confuse. When I ask him to leave he give me a very passionate hug and kinda refuse to let go.

    Some guys are like that. Only they know what their agenda is. I feel really bad because I really look forward to spend the weekend with him and think maybe we have something going on together.



    You ever stop to think this guy may have body image issues, and does not want you to see him naked?
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Jun 17, 2010 10:18 AM GMT
    sundown55 saidI've been going to a local gay bar here in Tacoma (Airport Tavern on South Tacoma Way). I've made some good friends, but the guys are very much into "protecting" me, since I'm "very fresh meat" and "naive".

    They do basically three things - tell me all the negative things about the other men in the bar (protective), get me all hot and bothered, then leave me high and dry, and try to scare the shit out of me, by telling me that someone is going to give me a disease or beat me senseless.

    Oh, one more -- pat me on the back, and tell me that it will happen in due time.

    They're really turning me off to being gay. I thought being gay was all about being free, being sexual, and having fun.

    In one breath, they tell me how handsome, hot and sexy I am, but then turn right around and tell me that not everyone wants to have sex with me (which is more than painfully obvious - as no one is having sex with me).

    Why do men feel like playing these mind games is so fun? Don't they understand that it's hurtful, especially for someone who is just out and looking for acceptance and real love and affection, and is unsure of himself?

    Makes me want to just forget the whole thing and be single for the rest of my life.

    Yeah, this is where you all tell me to "get over myself." Another game. Tear the new guy down, destroy his self-esteem and self-worth so that he goes back into the closet.

    Please don't do this to other guys. Don't lie to them and tell them they're sexy and you'd sleep with them, then brush them off. Please be real, honest and less inclined to play games.


    Until you put a profile picture up...you get nor insight or very useful informative response from me :-)
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Jun 17, 2010 10:42 AM GMT
    You haven't experience mind games until you meet my family. Ugh.!! icon_rolleyes.gificon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2010 2:17 PM GMT
    Wow, this thread is old as dirt!