3 months in and I'm confused

  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 02, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    I started dating this guy about 3 months ago. Things have been (and hopefully will continue to be) going very well. In this time - the honeymoon period - I've never been so happy, and I know he liked me just as much as I liked him. But I feel like I've hit a wall with it now because he's a closet, and even though he said he'd be in an exclusive relationship with me in a heartbeat if he was 'out', because he's not 'out' he doesn't feel ready to. It was him who brought that up, I never pushed for it, and it was about 2 months ago now so at the time I really didn't mind the time old saying "I'm hoping you'll wait, but I understand if you don't want to." I wanted to wait, and I still do.

    The problem now, however, is that I've become very, very attached to him. I feel like I don't know where I stand, and because we're not exclusive I have all of this anxiety and paranoia running through my head that he's losing interest or he's also dating other people. This makes me over think everything, and I am naturally a very avid over thinker due to have low self esteem and confidence. He knows I over think, and will tell me to stop if I'm doing it, but he'll always joke with it because he knows he'll get a reaction out of me (he is quite childish at times. I'm 20, he's 18

    How things are now, I feel like I'm either going to push him away with how I'm acting: over thinking and analyzing everything he says, wanting reassurance that he still likes me etc. or he will end it anyway and I'll be crushed. I really don't know what to do, if this is even something still worth pursuing? I know 3 months doesn't seem like a long time to a lot of people, but we've been communicating with each other none stop for those 3 months, so he's become part of my "routine", I guess you could say.

    I'd really like some advice... Is it worth me putting in this much effort? Should I strip things back and leave him to it for a while? I'm just confused and very scared of getting hurt.
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    Oct 02, 2013 3:53 PM GMT
    First off, I'm confused. Why wouldn't he be exclusive while still in the closet?

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    Oct 02, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    If he is childish then I bet you he is a bit needy. On that basis my gut feeling tells me he will stick by you.

    But I am confused. Is he out of the closet?

    And also, if he is in the closet, his first step by being with you was a huge one. I am willing to wager that he likes you very much. But somehow I feel you have some details out...
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 02, 2013 4:00 PM GMT
    He is in the closet. He won't tell his friends he's gay because he's scared of losing them. For this reason, he remains in the closet and doesn't want to make it "official" with me until he's out of it.

    Oh believe me, I'm the needy one. Because of how much I'm over thinking everything, I come across as very needy. He's got me on a hook and he probably knows it. My gut feeling just tells me he doesn't like me anymore, I feel like I need the reassurance but I'm hardly going to keep asking him for it. That would be a really bad idea...
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    Oct 02, 2013 4:24 PM GMT
    Ah see...

    Well sometimes I am needy too. Like I always need validation for some things.

    I guess be brutally honest and talk things about your relationship and where it is headed. TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE! Obviously don't be firm, but offhand, ask what he thinks about marriage. See what his reaction is.

    Ask what he thinks about divorce and stuff like that.

    If he says he likes you and he seems genuine, then he likes you. But if thing are a bit patchy, try and work things out.

    If he likes being with you, then he likes you. Obviously. LEARN TO TRUST EACH OTHER.

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 02, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    This is another long winded, badly edited, pity piece, although I'm guessing, because as with all boring posts, I did not read it.
    My advice? Leave him.
    Scratch that, stick with him and share and cuddle.
    Nah, I was right the first time, but when ending it, do it violently, that's always a great second post.
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    Oct 02, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    a lot of this doesnt make sense to me.

    first off, i dont think it's really that healthy to try to form a relationship if one guy is out and the other is closeted. Eventually there will be a huge conflict of interest, he may come out of the closet for you, or he may dump you once you start trying to pressure him to come out (which, if things became more serious, you would naturally do)

    Also, the exclusivity thing makes no sense. He could easily be exclusive even if he's in the closet. His answer is nonsense and just shows that he doesn't WANT to be exclusive.

    I think if you are finding yourself feeling insecure, there is probably a reason and you might want to take a few steps back and examine the situation. You are getting very attached to a guy who isn't willing to be exclusive with you.

    i'm not psychic, but i could see you getting burned by this.
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    Oct 02, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    JasFriedman saidAh see...

    I guess be brutally honest and talk things about your relationship and where it is headed. TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE! Obviously don't be firm, but offhand, ask what he thinks about marriage. See what his reaction is.

    icon_biggrin.gif



    What, seriously? Talk about marriage to 18 year old he's been seeing for only 3 months who doesn't even want to be exclusive? Good way to send him running for the hills imo

    Maybe instead discuss how he feels about the idea of coming out, if he'd ever do it, what kind of timeline? That way you can kinda gauge his potential for exclusivity and determine where you stand. If its seomthing he's thinking about soon, then maybe. If his answer is like 5 years, 10 years, never, then you kinda know its time to bail before you get too emotionally invested. But really, even the coming out thing is not that necessary since he should be able to commit without coming out of the closet, he just doesnt want to commit
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    Oct 02, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    It's just to provoke a response. Obviously marriage is too soon, but gay marriage is heated debate in this day and age, YES??

    So why not discuss it?
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    Oct 03, 2013 2:37 AM GMT
    hes just not that into you. simple.

    Years from now you will see this, stop wasting your time and sensibilities on a boy who is yet to discover himself. Or stick with it so that in future you can use the experience to stop it happening again
  • badpuppykudos

    Posts: 6

    Oct 03, 2013 9:32 AM GMT
    All I have to say is that if he is afraid of losing his friends when he comes out, then they were not really real friends.

    Also think about it, would you want someone who is so afraid of losing friends if they found out he was gay?

    Why would you even want to be around someone like that.

    Who is he trying to kid? You can be exclusive whether you are in the closet or not.

    Its a big ocean out there and you can find a much better catch.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 04, 2013 9:40 AM GMT
    Thanks for the replies everyone, it's been a big help...and a bit of an eye-opener!

    @boorangOz - this is the reply that hit me the most because I think it's true. He's likely is just not that into me anymore...

    I don't like ending things over text, I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight anyway so I'll probably end it. I know it's the right thing to do!
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    Oct 05, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidThanks for the replies everyone, it's been a big help...and a bit of an eye-opener!

    @boorangOz - this is the reply that hit me the most because I think it's true. He's likely is just not that into me anymore...

    I don't like ending things over text, I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight anyway so I'll probably end it. I know it's the right thing to do!


    You're cute young and have a whole life ahead of you, dont waste your time on boys that stuff you around. Take your time and enjoy. icon_smile.gif
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 05, 2013 10:54 AM GMT
    Thank you! I plan to from now on.

    I ended it, we clearly wanted different things. Though after I had, he decided to tell me through text "We can still be friends! You're way too nice for me haha. That's why I went off you" - I've not replied to this, and he's sent me a good few text messages since saying "I feel shitty", "I fucked up! icon_sad.gif"
    I don't think I will reply tbh, I have nothing to say and he's right: I was too nice with him, I became a pushover, but he's not walking over me again.
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    Oct 05, 2013 11:13 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidThank you! I plan to from now on.

    I ended it, we clearly wanted different things. Though after I had, he decided to tell me through text "We can still be friends! You're way too nice for me haha. That's why I went off you" - I've not replied to this, and he's sent me a good few text messages since saying "I feel shitty", "I fucked up! icon_sad.gif"
    I don't think I will reply tbh, I have nothing to say and he's right: I was too nice with him, I became a pushover, but he's not walking over me again.


    good job, its not going to be easy but keep busy and ignore the texts ;)
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 05, 2013 11:44 AM GMT
    I already feel a sense of relief that I'm out of it, and I can look back in and see it more for what it was. Thanks! I'm going out with my buddies tonight for a few drinks, so that came at the right time!
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    Oct 05, 2013 11:55 AM GMT
    Well, the thing is, will you be attached to the next person you date? In a way, it is both parties. 3 months was kinda too soon.

    Hope things work out.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 05, 2013 12:32 PM GMT
    @JasFriedman - No, I won't. I'm not making the same mistake again. I know exactly why I got attached now, so I can work on this. And I don't think 3 months is too soon, there's no specific time frame. I know plenty of happy couples who got into a relationship in a much smaller time frame.
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    Oct 05, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    But I guess being attached is ok. Being TOO attached isn't good.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 05, 2013 11:36 PM GMT
    I'm still getting texts from him, but I also still haven't replied. The current one is "why won't you reply to me? icon_sad.gif"

    I do want closure from this but I don't even want to reply to him. It's not going to change anything, I'll just end up getting agitated.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Oct 06, 2013 8:29 AM GMT
    Okay I need help with this development. He went out last night with his friends, got drunk and while I was asleep he called me 4 times, left one blank voice mail, and 3 texts.

    First text: "why you not replying to me? icon_sad.gif"
    Second text: "Lew all I'm saying is let me speak to you at like 3 over the phone. I just want to speak properly about everything because today has been so shit for me."
    Third text: "I don't like you ignoring me all dat icon_sad.gif you've been on my mind 24/7 icon_sad.gif."

    I don't know what to do... It's mind fuckery at it's finest, I don't know what he wants from me!
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 06, 2013 8:36 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidOkay I need help with this development. He went out last night with his friends, got drunk and while I was asleep he called me 4 times, left one blank voice mail, and 3 texts.

    First text: "why you not replying to me? icon_sad.gif"
    Second text: "Lew all I'm saying is let me speak to you at like 3 over the phone. I just want to speak properly about everything because today has been so shit for me."
    Third text: "I don't like you ignoring me all dat icon_sad.gif you've been on my mind 24/7 icon_sad.gif."

    I don't know what to do... It's mind fuckery at it's finest, I don't know what he wants from me!


    he wants drunk boy sex-he's only 18-not like it had a snowballs chance in hell of lasting. Move on you want different things.
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    Oct 06, 2013 8:38 AM GMT
    Say "i don't think it's a good idea to have any long conversations now but let's catch up again in a couple of months"
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    Oct 06, 2013 8:42 AM GMT
    Your way of thinking is too abstract. Think emotionally instead of logically. Say,"I feel" instead of "I think." Try it for a day and see what happens. Maybe that's why you're too analytical. You could had done the simplest thing and ask him. It's the most simplest thing in the world rather than reading a book reading people and try to figure out what they're thinking or googleing their signals.

    As much as I like helping people, try making your post easier to read.

    Did that help? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 06, 2013 8:54 AM GMT
    Don't bring up marriage.. just make sure he knows your not gonna be hidden forever.. I once dated a guy 9 months who was " closeted
    " then after we broke up I met some of his closest friends at a gay bar ( he was with them) and they never even knew I existed.. anyways my current bf recently came out to his friends and family and his mom wants to meet me now icon_smile.gif which is awesome cause I wasn't buying that in the closet shit .. he doesn't gotta be a gay activist like me but he has to acknowledge the were more than friends and be proud of that