How is your relationship with your siblings after your parents pass?

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    Oct 02, 2013 9:34 PM GMT
    For me my Dad has passed. My Step Mom has alzheimer's. My sister takes care of her at home for her own personal reasons, and asked everyone to help her when she isn't able but she is overwhelmed. I have decided to help only when I can. Mom should have professional care since she needs 24 hour care. I have another sibling I've discovered I don't really get along with. So I have only another oldest that I can talk to about life, problems, etc. I've heard that losing touch with your sisters and brothers is common with everyone and some even sue each other over money, etc.
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    Oct 02, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    I expect further distance between my brothers and me after our mother is gone.
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    Oct 02, 2013 10:12 PM GMT
    I have been wondering about this also. Both of my parents are alive and in their early 60s, so I hope I don't have to worry about this for a while. But, I would love to hear other people's experience on this and any advice they have.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Oct 02, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    Sincerely hope you don't lose touch or get into legal battles with your siblings. It always seems so tragic when beloved family members die and then the survivors turn against each other and have nobody.
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    Oct 03, 2013 12:05 AM GMT
    I don't have any to argue with either lol.My fiancée has a huge family so I am sort of adopted into it ha Ry
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    Oct 03, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    How is your relationship with your siblings after your parents pass?

    Non-existent, with my sole younger sister.

    Our Mother died first, and when our Father was gone, she promptly told me how much she hated me all her life. Well, there's a nice surprise, to be told that right after our Dad died!

    Something she wouldn't dare express when there was still the chance of money from our Father. (A futile tactic anyway, since Dad had wasted millions in Vegas & Florida race tracks his last years, buying homes for his girlfriends, and squandering our inheritance, which mostly came from our Mother)

    Being a staunch Republican she hates me for being gay, which our parents had told her about years before I realized it myself, and for my being the pampered older male child. Well, not my idea to be favored, what did I know as a little kid, what choice did I have?

    My parents were born in 1911/1917, a different generation with an outdated concept of male privilege & preeminence. And yet my sister hates me for it entirely, can't bring herself to blame our late parents at all, just me.

    Ah, well, I'll never see or speak with her again. Nor miss her. She's widowed, childless, no one to give her own money to but her late husband's children by his first marriage, despite their mother and family still living.

    She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her.
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    Oct 03, 2013 12:44 AM GMT
    My family has 8 siblings so if things get split evenly there isn't much to fight over. My parents are still young though (early 50's) so hopefully its not something we don't have to deal with for a long time.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 03, 2013 1:00 AM GMT
    well buddy, i happen to be in a similar situation. i just lost my father and my family is completely falling apart. i have never felt so alone in my life. i am trying to keep my head up but its hard. my father kept us together and now that he's gone that job is left up to me. anyhow, buddy i know i have not answered your question but my suggestion to you is to try to get everyone together and tell them how you feel. take them all out to dinner or do brunch to tell them how you feel and what you would like to see happen as a family unit
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 03, 2013 1:23 AM GMT
    The only living parent I have is my mother, and even thou she is very independent she still relies on me mainly, which is voluntarily on my part! But that is because I feel is morality and humane to be there for her as she was there for me when I was a child. The relationship with my siblings is fine, they seem very supportive, but only when I remind them they still have a mother, that they help, forcefully I feel!?

    I must admit that at times I get very frustrated looking after my mother, not so much of the borrowed time from my personal time that it takes looking after her, or from my relationship with my boyfriend; but mainly because of her three children, I seem to be the most reliable and genuinely caring always looking after her; which in turn leaves me with a huge responsibility, and often very disappointed with my siblings for not putting their share. Do I dread it? no, not at all! my mother was psychologically abused by my late father, who incidentally was a great father figure to me, I adored him!

    Feeling as the only one of my siblings as one who truly cares and looks after my mother, it used to get me mad and very frustrated that my other siblings did not, but it doesn't bother me any more. Why? caring after my mother have taught me to be a better lover, how so? she taught me patience, love, patience, love, patience, love, and much needed knowledge of my own needs. I have become a much better lover because caring after someone in need have filled me much needed compassion. Compassion being the missing link of what makes us truly human! I don't resent my sibling's lack of communication or help, because that isolation in itself have helped me grow into a better person, so yeah I am blessed!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 03, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidHow is your relationship with your siblings after your parents pass?

    Non-existent, with my sole younger sister.

    Our Mother died first, and when our Father was gone, she promptly told me how much she hated me all her life. Well, there's a nice surprise, to be told that right after our Dad died!

    Something she wouldn't dare express when there was still the chance of money from our Father. (A futile tactic anyway, since Dad had wasted millions in Vegas & Florida race tracks his last years, buying homes for his girlfriends, and squandering our inheritance, which mostly came from our Mother)

    Being a staunch Republican she hates me for being gay, which our parents had told her about years before I realized it myself, and for my being the pampered older male child. Well, not my idea to be favored, what did I know as a little kid, what choice did I have?

    My parents were born in 1911/1917, a different generation with an outdated concept of male privilege & preeminence. And yet my sister hates me for it entirely, can't bring herself to blame our late parents at all, just me.

    Ah, well, I'll never see or speak with her again. Nor miss her. She's widowed, childless, no one to give her own money to but her late husband's children by his first marriage, despite their mother and family still living.

    She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her.
    Wow, I thought my situation was sad. Man, that is very depressing to hear Art.
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    Oct 03, 2013 1:28 AM GMT
    Both my parents are still living but I imagine after their deaths my two gay brothers and I will grow closer.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 03, 2013 1:35 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidHow is your relationship with your siblings after your parents pass?

    Non-existent, with my sole younger sister.

    Our Mother died first, and when our Father was gone, she promptly told me how much she hated me all her life. Well, there's a nice surprise, to be told that right after our Dad died!

    Something she wouldn't dare express when there was still the chance of money from our Father. (A futile tactic anyway, since Dad had wasted millions in Vegas & Florida race tracks his last years, buying homes for his girlfriends, and squandering our inheritance, which mostly came from our Mother)

    Being a staunch Republican she hates me for being gay, which our parents had told her about years before I realized it myself, and for my being the pampered older male child. Well, not my idea to be favored, what did I know as a little kid, what choice did I have?

    My parents were born in 1911/1917, a different generation with an outdated concept of male privilege & preeminence. And yet my sister hates me for it entirely, can't bring herself to blame our late parents at all, just me.

    Ah, well, I'll never see or speak with her again. Nor miss her. She's widowed, childless, no one to give her own money to but her late husband's children by his first marriage, despite their mother and family still living.

    She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her.


    Wow, sorry to hear that Art! despite the lack of participation I get from my siblings to look after our mother, they are very supportive and close to me in other important ares of my life, me being gay is one of them! if when my mother parts I have a feeling we may be closer then we are now! it saddens me to see siblings break or drift apart after their parents passing.
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    Oct 03, 2013 1:46 AM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    ART_DECO said
    She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her.

    Wow, I thought my situation was sad. Man, that is very depressing to hear Art.

    Not at all. Over the years, with many close personal losses, I've learned to be detached, and cold as ice when I must. People have depended on me to be the anchor in a crisis, and despite the terrible toll it can take on me inside, I do what I must.

    I'm only emotional, and permit myself any consequent depression, when the crisis has passed. In the case of my sister, that situation doesn't touch me at all. Compared to the rest of my difficult life issues, my relationship with her is hardly a blip, nothing I ever think about.

    No, nothing about me is sad or depressed. I'm very upbeat, always having fun. A difficult life has taught me how to sever the sad, like cutting off a gangrenous arm. And therefore I severed my sister, so that except for a thread like this, I never give her a single thought.
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    Oct 03, 2013 2:57 AM GMT
    Relationship was good while they were alive. After our parents passed, we decided to remain on good terms, not only because it was the right thing to do, but also out of respect to the memory of our parents.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Oct 03, 2013 3:03 AM GMT
    It is not my experience. I am thick as thieves with my Sisters . My Father is still living but Mom has been gone for 23 years.
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    Oct 03, 2013 3:04 AM GMT
    Relationship w/my sibs since the folks passed? A one word answer would be "distant" both emotionally and physically.

    We are all very different people and quite spread out in age. I/we might be an outlier and not the best example maybe. As I think about it I think we are emotionally stunted w/one another.

    Dad died of cancer in '83 when I was 21. Mom died in '06. Haven't been back east to visit since.

    I was a late in life child (folks were 45) and my my sister who's 13 yrs. my senior and oldest brother 11 yrs. my senior were my best pals. They changed my diapers even lol My brother closest to my age (5 yrs. older) went out of his way to be a real ass hole to me growing up and it wasn't until he finally F'in got married at age 40 did he mellow out and calm down a little and become half way decent person to me from time to time. Everyone else thinks he's just great. His wife is great. Reformed Mennonite and he got drawn into that though. It's kind of hard for me to relate to that.

    I moved out west in '87 removing myself from close proximity. My born again Christian sister (failed Yuppy and found God) was on her way to becoming a spinster and finally got married at age 50 to a very conservative Methodist minster. They keep their mouth shut around me for the most part but have a lot to say about everyone and everything and not very Christian at all. I lost an important friend in my life to Fox News and goofy religion basically.

    My big brother and I are friends and I respect him a lot. Very decent man. We e-mail a couple times a week and chat on the phone a couple times a month. He's been out to visit 5x over the years and had a blast w/him.

    I work w/2 brothers and they have a great and very close relationship. Kind of jealous of them actually.

    I do have a best bud who was my college room mate and we are quite close. Basically an extended member of his family. His son is a great bud of mine too. I guess I have a surrogate sibling I am close to.
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    Oct 03, 2013 3:31 AM GMT
    My relationship was good with all 4 brothers even after my parents died but after I came out, it was cut in half. Two of them have not spoken to me since I came out. It's been over 5 years, how sad is that? Good relationship with their kids, but sad that they threw me aside icon_sad.gif I've moved on, their loss.
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    Oct 03, 2013 4:23 AM GMT
    Everyone seems to have different experiences. I'm glad you all shared. To others that read this, when a parent dies, a lot of problems come out of the woodwork.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 03, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    tuffguyndc said
    ART_DECO said
    She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her.

    Wow, I thought my situation was sad. Man, that is very depressing to hear Art.

    Not at all. Over the years, with many close personal losses, I've learned to be detached, and cold as ice when I must. People have depended on me to be the anchor in a crisis, and despite the terrible toll it can take on me inside, I do what I must.

    I'm only emotional, and permit myself any consequent depression, when the crisis has passed. In the case of my sister, that situation doesn't touch me at all. Compared to the rest of my difficult life issues, my relationship with her is hardly a blip, nothing I ever think about.

    No, nothing about me is sad or depressed. I'm very upbeat, always having fun. A difficult life has taught me how to severe the sad, like cutting off a gangrenous arm. And therefore I severed my sister, so that except for a thread like this, I never give her a single thought.
    wow art remind me to never get on your bad side. i thought i was bad when people crossed me but you may have me beat by a mile
  • seafrontbloke

    Posts: 300

    Oct 03, 2013 5:00 AM GMT
    Wow! There's so much going on in your lives.

    My parents and step parents are alive and well. Dad being 79 and Mum 75.

    Basically, we talk on the phone regularly, and I probably see my sisters once a month. They, and my parents, and the rest of the family, were all, with their children, at my marriage to Steve a couple if years ago. I'm godfather to one of my nieces and one of my cousin's sons. But religion plays very little part in our lives, what is there is Church of England so far blander than some of the experiences that you lot have.

    The only black spot on the horizon might be money. There's plenty of it to go around, but much is tied up in a business. I see it as a governorship thing, to be run well and passed on, my youngest sister works in the business, so will want it to continue. My oldest sister may want to liquidate her share.

    We all have homes, we all have education, we all have income. What is there to fall out over?
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    Oct 03, 2013 5:22 AM GMT
    Im sorry to hear what youre going through. I also had some family situation: never met my father and mom died when I was 9, so my younger sister and me went to live with my grandma but then she also died so my sister went to live with an aunt and I went to live with an uncle until I was 17 and could finally live on my own. Even my sister and me were separated for some years we always kept in touch and now we live close to one another and are very tight. I don't think anyone should let a negative family situation break the bond between siblings. The way I see it they're the ones you will have by your side because older family die, friends come and go, couples sometimes break up but brothers and sisters are your same age and will always be there.
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    Oct 03, 2013 9:32 AM GMT
    Both of my parents are gone, and it's hard to maintain a close relationship with my nine siblings......my nieces and nephews are another story...we have a very close relationship and for that I am thankful. I also have an extremely close relationship with my uncle and aunt...they accept and love me and my partner......

    I believe that when your family of orgin does not love you unconditionally, you create a new one. I am really appreciative of my children's unconditional love.
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    Oct 03, 2013 10:13 AM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    wow art remind me to never get on your bad side. i thought i was bad when people crossed me but you may have me beat by a mile

    It's not my bad side, but my indifferent side, my immune & emotionless side. At my age I've seen enough people die, buried enough of them, and simply lost many friends for various other reasons over the years, that I've learned to be cold as a self-protection mechanism.

    You get hurt often enough and you develop emotional scar tissue, so that with each subsequent injury you feel less of the pain. And that's what I've done with my sister, after she told me about her hatred of me, and her revulsion at my being gay.

    But I'm also affectionate and charitable, I like helping people, not harming them. It's just that I can sever ties as easily as taking out the garbage, when a relationship begins to injure me. My emotional self-preservation has evolved a lot during my lifetime, to the point where the word "family" has no more special hold on me than the term "next-door neighbor".
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    Oct 03, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    bradomo

    For me my Dad has passed. My Step Mom has alzheimer's. My sister takes care of her at home for her own personal reasons, and asked everyone to help her when she isn't able but she is overwhelmed. I have decided to help only when I can.

    StephenOABC

    Well, that's not a good situation.


    bradomo

    Mom should have professional care since she needs 24 hour care.


    StephenOABC

    If it is affordable, it should be done that way, allowing your sister or stepsister as much visitation as she'd like.

    If it is not affordable, how bad is the lack of quality care for institutions that take in people who cannot afford better? Is that what your sister trying to avoid--the sense of disposing a mother to poor quality care?

    Even with my dad, the king's ransom my middle class family paid, I walked into a hospital and my mom was complaining that: "No, you're not going to treat him like that. He is still a human being. You're not going to neglect him like that." He had vomited and it hardened on his face and on the pajamas my mom brought for him. That's how she found him when she came to visit.

    bradomo

    I have another sibling I've discovered I don't really get along with.


    StephenOABC

    True. Just because a former caregiver has gotten to their last phase of life does not mean everyone naturally gets along. So, you learn to be a professional brother. About 18-20 years ago, my brother and I found the limits of our natural ability to behave well together. I HAD to take the upper road and be a professional brother, leaving the heart and optimism out of how I'd wish it would be.

    Try it: forget about being real: just be dutiful. That way, they don't hurt your feelings, break your heart, make you angry. You command respect.

    You HOPE TO GOD your homosexuality will give you a brother that you wish you had. But bisexual and gay men more often than not do not see the opportunity to be the knight in shining armor or just human enough. Dysfunctional brother? Great: I'll be your brother and your lover. I got this. I'll help you with the balance of power in family politics.

    How many heroes are here on RJ being Iron Man for yah?
    How many of them are geographically desirable?
    How many men in the real world are your brother and your lover?

    How many have a face picture, bradomo, and a filled out profile?

    So bisexual gay culture castrates you. And when community leaders tell you adults are needed for the Big Brother Big Sister program, or some such program, you sometimes volunteer and sometimes you don't.


    bradomo

    So I have only another oldest that I can talk to about life, problems, etc. I've heard that losing touch with your sisters and brothers is common with everyone and some even sue each other over money, etc.


    StephenOABC

    Remember don't have a free-for-all with your sibling and relatives. You don't know what's below deep still waters. A lot of deep stuff can come up at this time. Be a hero against dysfunction.

    On the other hand, it is important to be true and discover what's going on in this life experience.

    The best way to serve is from a place of being functional as oppose to being dysfunctional.

    Oh, yea: there are temporary and permanent relationship breakdowns at this time. There was a time my brother whispered some angry cuss words at me and I repeated them at conversational level and we risked getting thrown out of the hospital. I told him what I said was a fair inquiry and it was a valuable question. You're not going to belittle me as I inquire about my parent's health. (I'm born in the year of the tiger and he's born in the year of the dog: a barking dog and a tiger can create a scene unless they agree to be chivalrous and professional in their sibling relationship. His heaven sign is earth and mine is water, so we don't really get along all that well. However, Dogs and Tigers are helpful to one another in that we're part of the Horse-Dog-Tiger trine.)

    He didn't invite me to his house after my father died, partly because his daughter thought she could get away with using cuss words directed towards me and I wasn't having it.

    So, the relationship with my sibling as my dad was passing and after my dad pass went through some temporary negotiations but we're making the best of life.

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    Oct 03, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    My brothers and sisters all stopped talking to me the day we buried my father. Of course, it may have had something to do with me drinking a gallon of water during the service and as the family was gathered around his grave I could not longer hold it, so I was caught pissing on the geezers grave in front of everyone. It should not have been shocking, I had been promising to do it for a decade or longer. Either way, they all found a variety of reasons to disengage. Lucky for me, LingLang has hundreds of brothers and sisters, none of which speaks a lick of English, so even when I tell them the sad story of pissing on my fathers grave, they just scurry around making delicious food and singing Karoke in a language I refuse to learn.