Coming out -Responses

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    Nov 25, 2008 4:08 AM GMT
    So I've been seeing someone that for the first time I'm sure enough about that I decided it was time to share my sexuality and my relationship with my family. Mainly this was because I was being asked about what I was doing for the holidays and because of how much in love we are. He is not from here (thank you god) so his family and friends are far away and he will not be going home for the holidays. So I told my family about myself and the new relationship and let them know that if he and I are still welcome then I will come and if not that is their choice and I won't come. Pretty simple right? hahaha

    My mother's response:

    "Well God loves the person but he hates the act. What you have chosen is an abomination before God."

    "I just hope you don't get AIDS."

    After two days of angry emails and tantrums she tells me fine you are both welcome and we will treat you as before and treat your friend nicely as well.

    I tell her I have a lot to think about and I will let her know. She flips and says what our efforts to deal with this and invite you into our home isn't good enough?

    No ma, its just the abomination before God thing...I have a hard time going somewhere that I am viewed as an abomination.

    What the hell?
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:16 AM GMT
    Personally, id stay away from her and any other person that doesnt accept you. Theyre stuck in the past, not worth you or your time or your respect. I understand its your mom, but is she fulfilling the definition of what a mom should be? If not, enjoy an awesome holiday at your place with your man and save the gas/airfare/travel expenses it would take you to go home. Trust me, she'll come around and be sorry soon enough.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:24 AM GMT
    That's a tough call. I always wonder how my family would react if I were to come out to them. I know just by watching my family react to homosexual behavior on TV and what not that they are definitely not comfortable with it, which makes it so much harder. I guess you just have to decide what is most important in the long run. What she thinks now (which could change, but it also might not), or the relationship you could lose by just ignoring the situation. I dunno how close you are with your family, but it's a tough call no matter what icon_sad.gif Good luck with everything. Whatever happens I'm sure everything will turn out for the best.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:26 AM GMT
    You might need to help her clear up any misconceptions she may have about being gay. My boss actually said the same thing, and that she didn't agree with my lifestyle. However, after explaining to her that it's not a "lifestyle CHOICE" and it has nothing to do with religion, she's come around and realizes that being gay isn't a religion or a threat to religion at all. In your shoes, I would make certain your mom has completely accepted (and acknowledged) the news before you bring in your "friend" (I guess she's refusing to call him your boyfriend yet?) to the picture, it may make for a potentially ugly situation if an argument flares up or something like that.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:26 AM GMT
    I feel like telling her god also said we "shall not suffer a witch to live" but we haven't stoned her to death yet. icon_evil.gif
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:29 AM GMT
    I am sorry, you can't expect someone's world view to go from homophobic to PFLAG in two days. It is a shame that her religion compels her to think such things and it is going to take some time and effort to bring her around. She invited the two of you into her home after two days of thinking. That is a huge step. If you care about your relationship with her you should take her up on it.

    Just turning your back on the whole thing because her thinking didn't do a complete 180 in a week is premature. Show her that you two are individuals who care about each other and that should help dissipate her false beliefs. But give it time.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:32 AM GMT
    You're going to have to give her some time to come to grips with it. If she's old school and believes that it is a "choice", then she likely never imagined you to be gay and it is all a shock to her. I wouldn't cut her out or cut her down. You've had your whole life to grapple with this, she's had much less time. Maybe talk to her one-on-one without getting angry (hard to do, I know, but rational heads prevail) and find some online or print literature to help her understand it. But if she had no clue or hints before, you have to remember that she likely built up a fantasy in her head of you and wifey and the 2.5 kids with the minivan in the suburbs. Right now, she's picturing her son dancing in a jock strap and licking penises and wondering what she did wrong. Give it time. Nurture her and leave her room to grow.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    That is a tough place. I just wonder if we realize what we can put some of our family through.
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    Nov 25, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    The winter holidays are incredibly stressful for many people, with all the preparations and traveling and such. This extra strain can cause people to act differently than they might under less stressful conditions. Just a factor to consider while you are making your decision.
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    Nov 25, 2008 5:02 AM GMT
    The average gay person doesn't accept him or herself overnight - whether because of the negative things we've been taught at home and in the culture or at church, or just the shock that we won't "fit in", many of us go through some kind of period of adjustment.

    Knowing that, we have to give family and friends that chance, too.

    There's a lot to learn, and re-learn - and they're not going to get it from the pulpit or the paper, generally.

    All that aside, I probably would avoid the adding the weight of the holidays to the experience of a) adjusting to a gay kid and b) meeting the boyfriend.

    Don't set yourself up for an unhappy memory.
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    Nov 25, 2008 5:06 AM GMT
    I gotta agree with MunchingZombie.

    You've had years to come to terms with who you are, you can't expect your mother to walk the same path in two days.

    Go see your mother with your man, let her she that it isn't wrong, let her see that the love you share with another person can be just as beautiful, be it a man or a women you hold that love for, in time, her views will change as she beginnings to open up to the possibility that her son, which she obviously loves very much, is just as normal as everyone else.
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    Nov 25, 2008 6:14 AM GMT
    I'd say, "No thanks! I enjoy being treated with respect - you know, like in real families - and would prefer to spend the holidays elsewhere." In all honesty, you shouldn't have even asked unless it's the first time someone was brought home at all in your family.

    The year I came out, I had just assumed they would be OK with it. When it came up a couple weeks before Christmas, they freaked. I opted to not go and my boyfriend and I decided to just go it alone since he wasn't ready to come out to his folks. Of course, he ended up relapsing (after being sober for 1.5 years) on coc right before my birthday (Dec 19th) and went into a facility right after. I was so upset and didn't want see my family due to their issues, so I just lied to friends and told them I was elsewhere - I just spent it alone. It actually was probably the best Christmas ever. It kind of showed my family where they went wrong in their reaction.

    Your mother is like mine - she would call at 2AM telling me she had a nightmare that I was burning in hell or dying of HIV. They're ideas of our "lifestyle choice" most likely wont change, and if it does it will take a while. They will now accept somebody, if only I had someone to bring home. But they still see the "act" as an abomination. I recently, when my mother saw me prepping a sign for a rally, had a heated discussion with my mother about what the Bible says. I was raised by ministers and have done a lot of studies. What people fail to remember is that there wasn't even a word for Homosexual or Gay in ancient Greek and Aramaic. The word being interpreted by these nuts actually means prostitute. Some recently published Bibles will even explain this historical error in the footnotes. Of course, the compromise the theocrats and publishers came to now says "sexually immoral."

    The best thing to be able to agree with your parents with will be the hypocrisy. For instance, why does your mother feel she has the right to tell you what you are doing is wrong? I recall Jesus saying on numerous occasions that judging someone is a reflection of ones own guilt and as such is not acceptable. When Jesus drew a line in the sand, he wasn't telling the Rabbi's don't just judge this one because she'll follow me, he was telling them nobody had the right to judge each other. Only God has that right. Perhaps she should start reading the Bible and stop listening to others. That's about the only thing I'm able to get my mother to agree with. With that, she has backed off from her own judgements.
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    Nov 25, 2008 6:22 AM GMT
    i think about this scenario all the time and wonder how i would react. personally i would go. it will be/ might be tense, but if you turn your back and dont go, one, it will begin to create a rift as she already feels slighted that after she has opened up the doors for you two and ur "abomination" you may turn her down and 2 then she wont see the interaction that you two have and will not be able to see that whether she agrees with it or not, you two care for eachother. as upset as she is, no parent wants their child to be unhappy unless they are orrible parents which from the post it doesnt come across that way... it will just be a rough transition for her, i mean that is natural, she had visions of grand kids and daughter in laws which from you are gone, but if she can see that you are two ppl in love, as hard as it is for her, she i think will deal better. she will still be pissed, but she can accept it better where as, if ur love stays in the shadows she has to no window to what and who u feel for and as a result, can continue to disassociate herself from ur reality.

    GOOD LUCK BUD
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    Nov 25, 2008 6:23 AM GMT



    Where does his family live? How are they with him? Can you go there instead if they're cool?

    We highly suggest it as this happened to a couple we know. Ned's Mom got to do a lot of navel gazing when her son didn't show up for Christmas and instead spent quality time with his BF's family.

    She realized that she was losing Ned to a family full of love and acceptance. She realized that she loved her son to the point of wanting him happy. She took a hard look in the mirror and didn't like what she saw. She missed him. It took another year....
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    Nov 25, 2008 6:32 AM GMT
    The closer your relatives are to you the more they will give. Loves over looks a lot. If you pour kindness onto your close relations, they will give in. Mostly if you are confident and happy with who you are, people will respect that if you don't let them get to you.
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    Nov 25, 2008 6:45 AM GMT
    I think the initial reaction will be the worst.

    Calm down and breathe. It's going to take your mother time to get use to your new identity (in her eyes).

    During this time of potential blow-ups, you should keep clear of antagonizing her. Be very alert when in her presence or talking on the phone with her. If she says something, just focus on the positives, if any. If none, ignore the comment and steer the conversation in another direction.

    Mom: "You're an abomination, but we will still try to socialize with you at Thanksgiving."

    You: "Mom, thats great to hear that we'll be welcome. I can't wait for you to meet him, you're going to like him alot."

    See, you ignored the negative statement. You can fume about it later, but when interacting with her, keep it positive. Otherwise you are bitting the bait she's trying to feed you to lure you into an emotional trap to pressure you into changing your behavior. The minute you bite on the negative - she gets traction.

    She's your mom, you can't blow her off.
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    Nov 25, 2008 7:05 AM GMT
    You have to give your mom and family time. First I hope you came out because you felt comfortable enough with your sexuality and felt it was time; not because of someone you have feelings for.

    You put your mom in a weird position: she's obviously hurt, but doesn't want to say no to you attending dinner but then the topic is not one that is easy for her to digest right off the bat. If she says no-then she looks bad, but she also isn't comfortable with the bit of news you have presented. As per you quoting her, it seems she is 'not' saying you are an abomination but the act itself is.

    There mere mention of coming out seems to indicate that you had not told your family as it probably required some level of preparation on your part. You don't mention whether you were comfortable all along knowing you were gay or if you had to get to a comfortable position with your sexuality but you can't force family to accept it. If anything they may not be supportive but as long as they don't attack or disrespect you.

    From personal experience, my mom took me on the same roller coaster ride of responses and emotions when I told her. Her assumption of me being straight went out the window and I guess she was figuring what else was there about me that she didn't know. Hence her jockeying for a position to come to terms with me. We are as close as ever but the topic itself is still uncomfortable for her.
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    Nov 25, 2008 7:10 AM GMT
    you should definitely go and go with an open mind and be as understanding as you can. they'll come around and drop the whole god thing after a little while.

    not really how i'd handle it but im quite self destructive.


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    Nov 25, 2008 7:12 AM GMT
    Ps. You dropped this info just a few days before Thanksgiving dinner!!!!????

    Damn! You know how to drop bombs. ;-)


  • dfrourke

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    Nov 25, 2008 7:20 AM GMT
    How long did it take for you to come out to yourself? Give your family some time as well...to let go of their former expectations...

    ...it took my family about a year [the same time it took me to understand what was going on with myself] to have a real intelligent conversation...

    Good luck.

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 25, 2008 8:49 AM GMT
    The advice you have been given above to go and weather the storm is good.

    However, it might be a good to have some knowledge so as to counter this argument that gays are abominations.

    First of all, I have to presume that your mother is Christian. If she is, then you might want to first remind her that Jesus brought a new covenant. He essentially replaced all of the old testament with this new covenant and said that there are only two commandments, love god and love thy neighbour, all of the law and the prophets fall on these two commandments. All the comments in the bible about abominations are old testament.

    If your mom is not Christian, than you will want to refer her to some of the other ways that the old testament teaches about abominations. Here are just a few and she probably is one herself if she is a normal modern female.

    Deuterotomy 22.5 A woman shall not wear clothes that pertaineth to a man. It is an abomination. (pant suits anyone)

    Leviticus 11 (this passage refers to unclean foods) hare (rabbit), pigs, water creatures without fins or scales, ostrich, snails, tortoise, and everything that creepeth is an abomination.

    Deuterotomy 24, 1 through 4, A woman who is divorced from her first husband and marries a second can not divorce that man and go back to the first to be married again. That is an abomination.

    Proverbs 16.5 Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the lord.

    And here are some further gems from the old testament.

    Ist Corinthian 14.34 Women should keep silent in church. 35 It is a shame for them to speak in the church.

    Ist Timothy 2.9 Women should have modest apparel and not wear braids, gold, pearls or other costly apparel.

    Leviticus 20.9 If a man should lie with a menstruating woman they shall be cut off from the people. (cast out)

    Deuterotomy 22.21 A woman not a virgin when she marries shall be stoned to death.

    Deuterotomy 22.11 You shall not wear a garment of mixed types, that is, wool and linen mixed, etc.

    These kind of comments are all over the old testament.

    Oh, and I do not consider myself a Christian, but it is helpful to calmly point some of these things out. It is amazing to me sometimes how these fundamentalists can pick some things out of the bible to ridicule people but forget the so called rules that apply to themselves.
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    Nov 25, 2008 8:51 AM GMT
    So sorry that your in this situation. Like many have said give it some time and maybe some space. It actually took my mom a few years to come to grips with her religious beliefs and me living my life. I remember after two Thanksgivings, I figured that she was "in tune"so opted to see if I could bring a date to the family Thanksgiving dinner. She and dad said okay. I kept in touch with dad seeing if thing were okay and mom wasnt going to bail on me. Nope son, all systems go! So I showed up with Carson and with in minutes a fight broke out! I couldn't believe it. I was totally side clocked. Even dad was floored. We got out of there in minutes flat. After we got home and settled from the long dirve mom calls. "Why didn't you say he was white?!!" I was floored again. It was nothing to do with him/me being gay but that he was a red headed green eyed Irish hunk I was totally into...and vice/versa. Well 9 months later mom comes around. We become totally accepted in her home. Funny thing, when we broke up Carson was the one she wanted to comfort. Its been years since the break up but Carson comes with his husband to Mom's house for the holidays faithfully. Im on talking terms with him and his partner. So, give mom time...you'd be surprise of the possibilities. Good luck.
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    Nov 25, 2008 8:51 AM GMT
    So sorry that your in this situation. Like many have said give it some time and maybe some space. It actually took my mom a few years to come to grips with her religious beliefs and me living my life. I remember after two Thanksgivings, I figured that she was "in tune"so opted to see if I could bring a date to the family Thanksgiving dinner. She and dad said okay. I kept in touch with dad seeing if thing were okay and mom wasnt going to bail on me. Nope son, all systems go! So I showed up with Carson and with in minutes a fight broke out! I couldn't believe it. I was totally side clocked. Even dad was floored. We got out of there in minutes flat. After we got home and settled from the long dirve mom calls. "Why didn't you say he was white?!!" I was floored again. It was nothing to do with him/me being gay but that he was a red headed green eyed Irish hunk I was totally into...and vice/versa. Well 9 months later mom comes around. We become totally accepted in her home. Funny thing, when we broke up Carson was the one she wanted to comfort. Its been years since the break up but Carson comes with his husband to Mom's house for the holidays faithfully. Im on talking terms with him and his partner. So, give mom time...you'd be surprise of the possibilities. Good luck.
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    Nov 25, 2008 9:12 AM GMT
    alexander7 makes some fun points. Many in our modern society use the bible to condemn people, but they only pick and chose the passages they see fit. The next time a guy in a suit tells you are going to Hell, remind him that you'll make sure his gaberdine suit, silk tie, and cotton shirt are freshly pressed for his arrival. icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 25, 2008 9:46 AM GMT
    I came out a year ago to my parents and to be honest my parents hated the fact that i was gay. It was Dec. 27th at 9pm. I had a guy i was dating at the time and i wanted to introduce them so i did. Let me tell you something, it was the worse experience of my life. Your mother sounds just like mine when it comes to religion so i can see where you are coming from. Take it slow with her. Dont throw your bf onto her when she just found out you are gay. Let that settle. Then once she realizes everything is gonna be fine then start to bring in your bf. But honestly i would go but i would go alone. Have family time because it is a very confusing thing for everyone. I would go and not cause a scene, go and pretend nothing even happened so she can see that you are still you and that you haven't changed, you just wanted to share a lil something with her.

    Hope this helped.