Does the problem lie with me or...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2013 4:03 AM GMT
    TL;DR (Too long; didn't read): Met a really hot and kind man who wants to go on a date. I told him I want to be selfish for a bit until I get over my funk and he understands. Had a good conversation until he got sexual and now I feel completely turned off. Is this even rational or am I overreacting?


    Just a quick question thread for you guys!

    So I'm currently in the "boo-hoo I've broken up with a guy" stage. I'm hanging with my friends, family, working out, and being as happy as I can be. I'm rolling with the emotions, but not dwelling on them. I think I'm taking the necessary steps to become "happy" again.

    Anyway, I decided that I want to be a bit selfish from now on, and focus on me until I move away from this god-awful state. So I've been focusing on studies and work hard lately, and it's paid off (2 promotions, awesome grades, ect).

    Anyway, my buddy comes into my workplace yesterday and is telling me about his gay boss and how they get along. He said "Hey, Josh... he's 33 and a really awesome guy. You guys should go out on a date or something." I said that I was focusing on me right now but thanks for the offer anyway. He then said "Well, you should at least meet him first."

    Flash forward to today I see my buddy come into my workplace with some dude following behind him. No, not some ordinary dude... some hot man! icon_eek.gif I almost died as my buddy introduced me to him. I shook his hand and said "very nice to meet you" and left it at that. I continue talking to my friend and couldn't help but act nervous. This dude was really handsome and I couldn't help but have nervous laughs and blush at every little thing. Oh man I feel like a little school girl looking back on it.

    Anyway, he added me on Facebook and asked for my number. I gave it to him and we begin texting while on my lunch break. He seems like a really genuinely nice guy, and a kind-hearted person. I told him my situation and how I wouldn't mind catching a movie but nothing else would be coming of it, at least for a while. He said he appreciated my honesty, but then it all became ruined for me.

    Him: I'm not really into the "scene" thing. I prefer to get to know a person instead. A movie, dinner, and walk in the park always suits me.
    Me: I think I'm kinda like that too.
    Him: Of course when I get to know the person I have to eat out their ass.

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif

    I was immediately turned off, and I just can't help it. I'm so much more attracted to someone who just doesn't hop straight to sexual conversation. I know it was brief but it just bothered me a bit.

    You know, it happens a lot. I start to form a connection with someone (online or in rl) and they immediately hop into sexual conversation and it makes me want to remove myself completely. Do you think my concerns are rational?
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    Oct 05, 2013 4:40 AM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidHim: Of course when I get to know the person I have to eat out their ass


    Either I just can't figure out what that might have been a double entendre for or the art has simply been lost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    Maybe he was just joking? I know a guy that makes a lot of sexual innuendos but he's pretty harmless.
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    Oct 05, 2013 4:46 AM GMT


    OK Josh, I'm going to say this in public, lol.

    "You know, it happens a lot. I start to form a connection with someone (online or in rl) and they immediately hop into sexual conversation and it makes me want to remove myself completely. Do you think my concerns are rational?"

    Nope. You'll have to just sadly accept the fact that you turn people on, and they sometimes can't help themselves when they blurt out stuff like that. icon_lol.gificon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2013 5:03 AM GMT
    idk. Josh, to me it depends on how long the guy's been out.
    I find a lot of newbees seem to think this is appropriate banter, (establish sexual roles right off) until someone like you tells them its not.
    Maybe get to know him a bit better; it's called dating for a reason, and just because you're working on yourself doesn't mean it you can't make time for a movie or diner.
    and like MIL stated, you are a sexy fuck--just set boundaries; he'll either mind them or you'll go back to working on yourself.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 05, 2013 5:15 AM GMT
    Well, without saying anything about 'the guy', it (being turned off by this kind of thing) is where YOU are right now. You have to honor that. Believe it or not, in my own weird way, I totally relate. Why do you think I've been celibate for over a decade? I like sex but I want something more than that or I'm fine with nothing much at all.
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    Oct 05, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    Don't doubt yourself...you're perfectly rational!
    No problem in it!
    In fact, I like to see this kind of mental outlook in everyone.

    It always feels that a person who hops straight into sex stuff is always a conversation breaker, artificial and disengaging not just to you, it feels the same to many including me.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 05, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    You're falling into the 'he has to be exactly right' syndrome. Everyone has their quirks. Hey if you got a line of hot guys line up out your front door, then I guess you can be picky ... The thing about being on the other side of the door, is you never know when that line suddenly ends.
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    Oct 05, 2013 7:38 AM GMT
    Well, I don't think your concerns are irrational at all. Some people don't have class and all they want is sex. Others can be truly nice people. Like you said, you were focusing on you and he comes along and starts talking about sex. My thinking is that he took your words as "looking for a fuck buddy."

    If I were in your shoes, I'd at least continue with it for a bit. You said it yourself, you aren't ready for a relationship, so why treat this like one? People make mistakes, so why not give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove you wrong?

    I know nothing about relationships, but I know that if you follow your heart, you will rarely be let down.
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    Oct 05, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    Before craigslist, people used to be more playful. less crass, in referencing sex.

    But also, if you're not into anal sex**, it could be that the, um, whole "eat out their ass" thing grossed you out. I sure went ewwwwww when I read it.

    Ideally you'd want to match up with someone within your orientation (or close enough) who also shares your preferences; but given our tiny percentage of the population, odds are hugely against finding that. It seems stupid to me to allow preferences--outside of maybe harmful perversions, however judged--to get in the way of a successful & otherwise satisfying relationship.

    From there stems two basic camps: subjugate yourself against your own preferences and aversions to the sexual desires of others which I feel can harm the psyche, or find areas where you are sexually compatible (or simply enjoy a platonic but still intimate relationship) and then satisfy the sexual parts that don't fit within the relationship outside of the primarly relationship which can harm a person's well-being if both parties are not playing safe or if either party has either jealousy issues or tends towards disloyalty.

    So essentially the trick of being in a relationship is to find a balance such that you're not using every excuse in the book to live life alone (and probably we all fall into that to some degree at various points of our lives) but also you don't want to hurt yourself for the sake of being in a relationship.

    ** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_sex
    Prevalence

    The prevalence of anal sex among gay men in the West has varied over time. Magnus Hirschfeld, in his 1914 work, The Homosexuality of Men and Women, reported the rate of anal sex among gay men surveyed to be 8%, the least favored of all the practices documented.[80] Likewise, some scholars state that oral sex and mutual masturbation are more common than anal stimulation among gay men in long-term relationships,[8][70] and that, in general, anal intercourse is more popular among gay male couples than among heterosexual couples, but that "it ranks behind oral sex and mutual masturbation" among both sexual orientations in prevalence.[22] Wellings et al. stated that "[t]he equation of 'homosexual' with 'anal' sex among men is common among lay and health professionals alike" and that "[y]et an Internet survey of 18,000 MSM across Europe (EMIS, 2011) showed that oral sex was most commonly practised, followed by mutual masturbation, with anal intercourse in third place".[10]

    By the 1950s in the United Kingdom, it was thought that about 15% of gay males had anal sex.[81] The 1994 Laumann study suggests that 80% of gay men practice anal sex and 20% never engage in it at all.[82]

    The National Institutes of Health (NIH), with information published in the BMJ, states that two thirds of gay men have anal sex.[9] Other sources suggest that roughly three-fourths of gay men have anal sex at one time or another in their lives, with an equal percentage participating as tops and bottoms.[72] A survey in The Advocate in 1994 indicated that 46% of gay men preferred to penetrate their partners, while 43% preferred to be the receptive partner.[72] A survey conducted from 1994 to 1997 in San Francisco by the Stop AIDS Project indicated that over the course of the study, among men who have sex with men, the proportion engaging in anal sex increased from 57.6% to 61.2%.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Oct 05, 2013 5:15 PM GMT
    yeah that seems like a bit off putting.

    ew
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2013 1:40 AM GMT
    I'm going to take this the other direction. If you don't feel ready to dive into something, then you know yourself.

    You are the one steering the ship here. If you want to take it slow, take it slow. You set the boundaries. If you're turned off now and not interested, then that's OK, too.

    You take care of you first. If it's selfish, so what. You have earned that right. You know all of us here have your back.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Thank you all for your input - it means a lot to me.

    I think some of you are right: I'm not giving him a fair chance and I think I do have this envision of having the "perfect boyfriend." I need to cut that out because that's the complete opposite of how I usually think when I have a clear state of mind.

    On the other hand I think the guy was cute, but I'm not feeling... well... ANYTHING! I'm just going to be a selfish fella for a bit, and I'm totally cool with that icon_cool.gif!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 06, 2013 1:49 AM GMT
    I'd just try and make it about friendship for now... be candid and honest and see if he has a clue. If he is willing to follow your lead for awhile, he might be a keeper and something might develop. You aren't weird, sometimes you just need some distance from some of this when you break up with someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2013 1:50 AM GMT
    You deserve the best. Someday I think you will find that perfect relationship - you will know because you won't notice the imperfect things at all.

    icon_wink.gif
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Oct 06, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    TheQuest saidYou deserve the best. Someday I think you will find that perfect relationship - you will know because you won't notice the imperfect things at all.

    icon_wink.gif

    Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? Or do you mean it'll be imperfect but it will SEEM perfect, and that's how you know it's the one for you?
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Oct 06, 2013 2:56 AM GMT
    One of the first conversations you have with this guy and he says something disrespectful like that. You deserve better.
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    Oct 06, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh said
    On the other hand I think the guy was cute, but I'm not feeling... well... ANYTHING! icon_cool.gif!


    Listen to that absence of feeling. If that's what you're experiencing, then let him down and say cheers and adios. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 06, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    Yep you can try dating but it sure seems that this guy just wants to go on some "get it out of the way" dates and nail you. Not that it's a bad thing, but sounds like he's the type to nail you and move on to the next conquest. Ya just never know...
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    Oct 06, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    Sounds like it was his attempt to witty banter, and wanted to see how you would react.

    Don't worry about being "selfish" at the moment, but at the same time, don' dwell on it too long as you will end up missing out on some great guys who come along the way.
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    Oct 06, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    Oooo gurrrl.....

    Ok it's too long, I'll read this and reply later...
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 06, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    I don't think he was out of line. His sexual response is telling you that he's interested in you. I wouldn't ditch him over one innapropriate comment. If you're interested him, you should give him another chance but explain to him that you're in a 'slow,funky, no-sex-yet stage'.. and then he can make a decision if he wants to countinue to see you.
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    Oct 06, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    Don't feel indifferent about people just because they won't talk about sex right away. That's silly.
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    Oct 06, 2013 4:37 PM GMT

    Why don't you get to know him well enough to decide if he was just joking? It might be worth a shot if you felt a connection, to keep trying. Sometimes I get stupid when I really want to impress a guy, it's so embarrassing.

    NOBODY is perfect, and if you keep holding out for the guy who has no faults you will end up alone
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 06, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    Sounds like he was just nervous. Like said above, probably a newbie. I've run across it and usually it is the most otherwise sophisticated guys that blurt out things like that. Comes from watching too much porn. Pre-partnered, I met a guy who was in town on business and in conversation, I realized we knew a lot of people and his job was quite high up in his profession. Very connected to mine. Anyway, all good until we started getting intimate and then, it turned into Ya, baby, suck that cock! etc etc etc. You get the picture. I didn't say anything but when I got out of there, I just burst out laughing.

    If the guy seems nice otherwise, and you seem attracted to him, give him a chance. Next time he goes into that talk, just laugh gently and kid him by saying You watch too much porn, guy. No one talks like that. Just communicate.