Helping Someone Else Out of the Closet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    I recently met a friend of a friend who I could instantly tell is a super super cloested gay. He is acting aggressively hetero, but I can still hear it and see it in his mannerisms and his voice. His roommate is kind of a douchebag with homophobic tendencies, so it's obvious that he's very trapped. Having been where he was I can see all the acting he's doing. It's very obvious to me that not only is he gay, but he's clearly not in a good place if he is this deep.

    As an out gay guy, how can I help him out of the closet? If not to everyone else, than to at least himself? Should I do anything at all?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:00 PM GMT
    Well first you still have to make sure he is gay and has feelings towards men... are you 100% certain that he is gay?
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    It would probably be a good learning experience for you to "help" him.

    People who are in self denial really don't want your help. In other words, let sleeping dogs lie.
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:20 PM GMT
    Jaggal saidI do not think you sound like a predator, at all. If you are sure he is gay (ask him or whatever), maybe you can talk to him in private. He might need a friend to vent to, who understands him?


    That's what I was thinking, but I guess I should probably just mind my business. I'm only 80% positive, I guess he could be straight. I've only met him a few times.
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:23 PM GMT
    Assumptions can be wrong at times and furthermore, even if your assumption is right, you don't know if he wants you to help him do anything.
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:48 PM GMT
    Even if the guy is gay, it would be really awkward to have a somewhat stranger intervene and "help" him out of the closet.

    I agree with everyone.. mind your own business.
  • jo2hotbod

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    Oct 05, 2013 8:49 PM GMT
    Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson
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    Oct 05, 2013 8:58 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    People who are in self denial really don't want your help. In other words, let sleeping dogs lie.

    Agree. The guy who's in denial will come out on his own schedule, when he's ready, as I did.

    But when he comes out, and especially if he comes out relatively late, that's when he might benefit from a helping gay mentor. Also as I did, with a mentor sent from Gay Heaven. Just be careful when "helping out" really means "pushing out".
  • Fable

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    Oct 05, 2013 8:59 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed saidmind your business. you sound like a predator.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    Next time you are out for a drink with him, say "do you mind if we go for a drink in a gay bar?"
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    A few times? Yeah you sound like a predator. Come on. Give it a couple of months.
    Let it lie for a while.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed said
    Ohno saidNext time you are out for a drink with him, say "do you mind if we go for a drink in a gay bar?"


    do you think a deeply closeted guy would say yes to something like that?


    Depends on the circumstances. They would probably say no the first time.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:50 PM GMT
    I am in no way trying to prey on this guy! Having been where he was, I know I could've used some help or advice, a friend, or something. Like I said, and has been pointed out, I am not positive about his sexuality, and I'm not tyring to out him or turn his life upside down. But if the guy needs help figuring himself out, I'd like to be able to help and I was just looking for some advice.

    Yeesh.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:52 PM GMT
    Like I say. Figure if he is really gay. Does he like girls?
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:55 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed said
    Ohno said
    smallbutperfectlyformed said
    Ohno saidNext time you are out for a drink with him, say "do you mind if we go for a drink in a gay bar?"


    do you think a deeply closeted guy would say yes to something like that?


    Depends on the circumstances. They would probably say no the first time.


    just saying. a deeply closeted, in denial guy isn't going to let his guard down for anybody if he ain't ready to be real with himself. can't speak for everybody in that position but i know that when i was in that position, i wasn't even trying to be caught dead doing anything that would be perceived as gay let alone go out for a drink with a gay guy at a gay bar. acknowledging and self acceptance is a step in itself. you can't make anybody do that.


    Agreed but every time you ask him after the first time he will be less shocked by the request. Also you make it sound like you want to go so you can chat to another guy i.e. not chat him up. If you ask when you are in a different town, he is also more likely to say yes.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:56 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed said
    barrywest44 saidI am in no way trying to prey on this guy! Having been where he was, I know I could've used some help or advice, a friend, or something. Like I said, and has been pointed out, I am not positive about his sexuality, and I'm not tyring to out him or turn his life upside down. But if the guy needs help figuring himself out, I'd like to be able to help and I was just looking for some advice.

    Yeesh.


    i hear you, man. don't know how you handled being in denial and in the closet.

    but don't you think that the first step would be something that he would have to do on his own though. if he doesn't want to acknowledge that he's gay, there's nothing that you can do to help him figure it out. that right there in itself is kind of predatory because you're trying to push him in a certain direction.


    It would only be predatory if I was trying to personally get something out of it. I more than realize that coming out is a process and it's very personal, but that's why I was asking if there was any way I could help him.
    Like give him signs or ways to open up conversations that will get him thinking on his own. I'm not planning on staging an intervention or anything.
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:57 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed said
    barrywest44 saidI am in no way trying to prey on this guy! Having been where he was, I know I could've used some help or advice, a friend, or something. Like I said, and has been pointed out, I am not positive about his sexuality, and I'm not tyring to out him or turn his life upside down. But if the guy needs help figuring himself out, I'd like to be able to help and I was just looking for some advice.

    Yeesh.


    i hear you, man. don't know how you handled being in denial and in the closet. maybe someone did that to you, dunno.

    but don't you think that the first step would be something that he would have to do on his own though? if he doesn't want to acknowledge that he's gay IF he is, there's nothing that you can do to help him figure it out. there's nothing you can do right there. that right there in itself is kind of predatory because you're trying to push him in a certain direction against his wishes. you may think that you're trying to help him BUT you're not.


    If he goes on his own then he likely does have to admit it to himself, which is why going with OP works better because then he could be going "for a laugh"'
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    Oct 05, 2013 9:59 PM GMT
    Ohno saidAgreed but every time you ask him after the first time he will be less shocked by the request.

    So what are you saying, that you can just wear him down by repeatedly asking him?
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    Oct 05, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    smallbutperfectlyformed said

    well.... some things are just better left for someone to discover on themselves. you should just try befriending him and wait for him to come up to you to say that shit first if anything instead of confronting him about it. if he doesn't, then just leave it as it is.


    Alright, see now that's helpful advice.
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    Oct 05, 2013 10:11 PM GMT
    Yeah man, confronting him will just send him deeper into the closet at his stage--run of and marry a woman.
    Personally I'd just let him know you're gay, in whatever way your comfortable with.
    Representing a positive roll model is the best way to help him.
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    Oct 05, 2013 10:16 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYeah man, confronting him will just send him deeper into the closet at his stage--run of and marry a woman.
    Personally I'd just let him know you're gay, in whatever way your comfortable with.
    Representing a positive roll model is the best way to help him.

    Also, genuinely good advice.
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    Oct 05, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    Having been there for many gay guys here that struggled with accepting and coming out, the first thing you should realize is that you can not help him out. All you can do is support him where he is at every step of HIS process. The best thing you can do is be there for support, answers, advice as he requests it. One on one is the best. You can move the discussion/conversation in a way that might better give you an idea of who he is, but you have to be careful you don't become a threat to his coming out. He needs to feel comfortable where he is not where YOU think he should be. He's lucky to have someone that cares to help him. Jsut be careful and considerate of his privacy.
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    Oct 05, 2013 11:05 PM GMT
    It's not your place to force him to come out. That's a personal decision each gay man has to face and come to terms ON HIS OWN. The only thing you can do is support him when/if he does come out and offer him advice.
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    Oct 05, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    hellass saidIt's not your place to force him to come out. That's a personal decision each gay man has to face and come to terms ON HIS OWN. The only thing you can do is support him when/if he does come out and offer him advice.

    Exactly.
    And it's not like he's in pain or agony by being in the closet.
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    Oct 05, 2013 11:45 PM GMT
    hellass saidIt's not your place to force him to come out. That's a personal decision each gay man has to face and come to terms ON HIS OWN. The only thing you can do is support him when/if he does come out and offer him advice.


    Lumpyoatmeal said

    Exactly.
    And it's not like he's in pain or agony by being in the closet.


    Like I said, I'm not trying to force him out or prey on him. I think I'll try and do what was already suggested, as somehow let him know that I'm gay and see how he reacts and then leave that window open if he needs someone to talk to. And if he doesn't? He doesn't.

    I'm not trying to radically change his life. But if I'm right, which I'm pretty sure I am, he is trying real hard to be something he's not, which is awful. That is agony actually. If you saw how he was acting, and the homophobic/ubermacho environment he's living in, you would assume he's in some sort of internal pain because he's clearly not comfortable with himself.

    I was only trying to see if there was some sort of solidarity protocol in helping out struggling closet cases when there seems to be an issue in their life. I will just leave it be.