having kids. any current dads out there with advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2013 10:14 AM GMT
    what age did you think about having kids, and what age did you actually do it. did you have a partner at the time, and what route did you take? I'm 24 i know i want kids but no where near ready, i just wanna plan ahead so i know how long i have to get my life together enough to support another lil dude. And what are some of the harder choices you made and what are some challenges i might have to face?
  • joxguy

    Posts: 236

    Oct 09, 2013 2:58 PM GMT
    Got married at 27 first kid by 30. The big decision is: You whole life should be dedicated to you child from day one. You plan your life around the child's not yours. The cool part is what kids do and what you do with them makes life worthwhile so you aren't actually giving up anything.

    Adults who have kids and then constantly fit the child's schedule into theirs is not real. You fit your life around their schedule, sleep, school, recreation, and mood. It is worth the sacrifice. Good luck
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    Oct 09, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    I want kids one day too icon_smile.gif but I'm far from ready. I'm 21 and I've got a long way to go before I can raise a baby. First thing I wanna do is finish school so that I have my degree and am making good money to be able to support my child.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 09, 2013 11:39 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    joxguy said
    Adults who have kids and then constantly fit the child's schedule into theirs is not real. You fit your life around their schedule, sleep, school, recreation, and mood. It is worth the sacrifice. Good luck

    Sort of.
    I wanted kids from an early age. I married a lesbian friend of mine at 24 (well, okay, 2 days short of 25) and my son was born almost exactly a year later (two weeks shy of 26). My daughter came along when I was 27.

    Kids and their lives and schedules do take planning and consistency, but we didn't plan our "whole lives" around them. What we did, as much as possible, was to integrate them into our lives. Luckily they were well-behaved, so we were able for the most part to include them in most of the things we did, but as they grew up naturally they had friends and plans and needs of their own.

    My kids are now 29 and 30. And one thing you need to be aware of: your parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18, or 21, or ever. They always need you, and you will always worry and be concerned about them. All. Ways. Especially in my case, as their mom died eight years ago and I'm all the parents they got left.


    omg this is like so fuking real.

    ugh, if I could show emotion right now I would.
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    Oct 10, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    I want a kid but I need to finish college first. I prefer to raise my child alone. icon_surprised.gif
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    Oct 10, 2013 1:20 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI have only a few regrets in life. Not having a son or daughter is one of them.
    I'm very parental and it's a hole in my life that will never be filled.
    That said, I've accepted it and happy to share my love with someone else in my life. It's not the same, but I have to remind myself, it just wasn't meant to be. I try and be thankful for what and who I do have vs. what's missing.


    its never too late
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Oct 10, 2013 1:27 AM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    joxguy said
    Adults who have kids and then constantly fit the child's schedule into theirs is not real. You fit your life around their schedule, sleep, school, recreation, and mood. It is worth the sacrifice. Good luck

    Sort of.
    I wanted kids from an early age. I married a lesbian friend of mine at 24 (well, okay, 2 days short of 25) and my son was born almost exactly a year later (two weeks shy of 26). My daughter came along when I was 27.

    Kids and their lives and schedules do take planning and consistency, but we didn't plan our "whole lives" around them. What we did, as much as possible, was to integrate them into our lives. Luckily they were well-behaved, so we were able for the most part to include them in most of the things we did, but as they grew up naturally they had friends and plans and needs of their own.

    My kids are now 29 and 30. And one thing you need to be aware of: your parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18, or 21, or ever. They always need you, and you will always worry and be concerned about them. All. Ways. Especially in my case, as their mom died eight years ago and I'm all the parents they got left.



    Lie_down_try_not_to_cry_cry_a_lot_cleane
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    Oct 10, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    Got married at 26, had three kids within 4 years. They were born when I was 28, 30, 32. They are now 23, almost 26, and 27. Oldest one (daughter) is married. All of them have graduate degrees or soon will. Only one (youngest son) is still on the family dole. YAY!

    My advice: Don't wait until you have enough money to have a kid, because you'll never think you have enough. Be ready to sacrifice lots of time, but say NO a lot...especially as they get older. Set boundaries. The clearer the boundaries, the more your child will love and respect you. And parent with the mother/your partner, whatever. Kids don't need two parents; parents need two parents.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Oct 10, 2013 3:59 AM GMT
    I have three children but what I wanted to say is about the importance of being a parent to children to whom you are not biologically related.

    One the greatest markers for future success for any child is having the unconditional love and parenting from a non-biological parent. There are a lot of great kids that need parenting and have little or none.

    Anyone (yes a gay man) can produce a child but few people can make a lasting commitment to a non-biologically related child.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 10, 2013 7:36 AM GMT
    joxguy saidGot married at 27 first kid by 30. The big decision is: You whole life should be dedicated to you child from day one. You plan your life around the child's not yours. The cool part is what kids do and what you do with them makes life worthwhile so you aren't actually giving up anything.

    Adults who have kids and then constantly fit the child's schedule into theirs is not real. You fit your life around their schedule, sleep, school, recreation, and mood. It is worth the sacrifice. Good luck
    dude,that is probably the best advice i have ever heard when dealing with people with children. most people do the complete opposite. dude, you are very smart
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    Oct 10, 2013 7:38 AM GMT
    I would like to be a daddy by age 28
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    Oct 10, 2013 9:17 AM GMT
    1263611563_beerhelp.jpg
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    Oct 10, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    Kids cost around $200k to raise, even more if you are single. Most gay guys could never afford to have one. I have two and was married for 21 years.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Oct 10, 2013 7:58 PM GMT
    tereseus1 said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI have only a few regrets in life. Not having a son or daughter is one of them.
    I'm very parental and it's a hole in my life that will never be filled.
    That said, I've accepted it and happy to share my love with someone else in my life. It's not the same, but I have to remind myself, it just wasn't meant to be. I try and be thankful for what and who I do have vs. what's missing.


    its never too late


    I could have written exactly what TheGuyNextDoor did - I would have liked to be a Dad, I think I would have been a great Father, but you do reach an age when you realize that it's going to happen. There's a reason couples start families when they do. At a certain age it's not as easy to take on children.
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    Oct 10, 2013 9:46 PM GMT
    Hothouse said
    tereseus1 said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI have only a few regrets in life. Not having a son or daughter is one of them.
    I'm very parental and it's a hole in my life that will never be filled.
    That said, I've accepted it and happy to share my love with someone else in my life. It's not the same, but I have to remind myself, it just wasn't meant to be. I try and be thankful for what and who I do have vs. what's missing.


    its never too late


    I could have written exactly what TheGuyNextDoor did - I would have liked to be a Dad, I think I would have been a great Father, but you do reach an age when you realize that it's going to happen. There's a reason couples start families when they do. At a certain age it's not as easy to take on children.


    I met up with a guy this year almost my age and he brought up his desire to have kids. I laughed thinking he was kidding. He was not and the date was the shortest ever. I guess I should have asked what his income was before I laughed. Raising kids is a 24/7 thing for 16 years. It is a self sacrificing lifestyle ( think of a 4 pack of fruit of the loam underwear rather than Papi) that is out of sync with the gay culture.
  • DarkSensation

    Posts: 715

    Oct 12, 2013 3:40 PM GMT

    I want kids very much but i want to be with a partner who wants them more than I, so he could take care of them 2/3 of the time icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 12, 2013 4:14 PM GMT
    I have 3 kids from a 22 year marriage. It's not only having and raising them, it's everything you learn when doing this. Most dads learn very early that they are no longer number one and that they have to take a back seat to their children. Hold a baby in your arms and you'll understand how vulnerable and dependent on you they are. You learn a lot about yourself too. You go through all the phases of their lives, joy, sadness, sickness, courage, accomplishments, love, anger and so much more.

    It's definitely not always easy and there are times you want to give them away, but in the end, there's nothing that makes you happier than seeing your children enjoying life and beginning their own families.

    I'm blessed to have 3 great kids and even more blessed now to have 3 granddaughters. My partner and I get to babysit a 7 year old and a 6 month old tomorrow and we could NOT be any more excited icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 12, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI have only a few regrets in life. Not having a son or daughter is one of them.
    I'm very parental and it's a hole in my life that will never be filled.
    That said, I've accepted it and happy to share my love with someone else in my life. It's not the same, but I have to remind myself, it just wasn't meant to be. I try and be thankful for what and who I do have vs. what's missing.

    I'm sorry, you would make a great dad! Wrong timing. If you were 20 today, that dream might become reality. My BF told me when we met that he wanted children but I told him I was done with that. He gladly accepted it and now he has not only my 3 but 3 granddaughters too. He loves the kids and I'm glad he can have the opportunity to be a model for them.

    Be an 'uncle' to a friend or neighbor's child and you'll being giving some of that kindness to someone who really could benefit from your love!
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    Oct 16, 2013 7:09 AM GMT
    somersault said1263611563_beerhelp.jpg


    lmao just thought that was funny, probably a sign i'm not ready for kids. but thanks for the great advice guys it's very helpful to hear back from wiser men. I also kind of noticed a general theme of being proactive and actually working towards the goal, which makes sense. As gay men we can't just let kids happen on their own, we actually have to plan for them. I really want one but i really need to be able to at least support myself first.
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    Oct 16, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    having kids not so easy but I love LOVE my kid, you do not have to give up your live if you live withe your kid not for them.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Oct 16, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    Guys' I'm ready! Let's get married; so that, we can scheme on, and find our wife together !!
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Oct 16, 2013 4:38 PM GMT
    Just became a father 5 months ago. I always wanted a little one and so did my husband. We love this little dude so much. We look forward to all good and hard times he will bring. We were really lucky and got an amazingly easy one. It may change, but his demeanor is awesome.

    We first started with an Agency which took 2.5 years of waiting. We then switched to an adoption lawyer that took 1 month.icon_eek.gif

    We did keep the open adoption aspect of it. This means that the birth mother has a few visits a year but NO parental rights at all. It's better for the child as he grows up. Not knowing why your mother gave you up has too many questions and heart ache latter in life.