Attraction and love?

  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Nov 26, 2008 12:07 PM GMT
    I'm new to relationships, and I'm seeking some opinions from people who've been through them.

    There have been threads here where there's talk about how the guys they are interested in are not interested in them. Some have said this way of thinking is rather superficial and advised them to try dating different types of guys.

    I'm wondering therefore: is physical attraction important? Is it good to try to be open-minded and settle for someone you weren't initially physically attracted to, but might be compatible with in other ways? Could other attributes outweigh physical attraction? Is it possible and how probable is it to develop such an attraction over time if you spend enough time together and getting to know each other? Is physical attraction also a part of "chemistry"? Many people seem to advise against "settling", but yet there's talk about not trying to restrict oneself to certain standards. That sounds a little contradictory to me, and I am confused by it.

    When someone likes you more than you like them back, should you break it off or let it develop and see if it goes anywhere? How and when do you know that it wouldn't work?

    How do you know you have chemistry with someone? What are some indications?

    Sorry these questions are vague. But I hope I can get some idea about this complicated subject. Thanks for all your help.
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    Nov 26, 2008 3:48 PM GMT


    1. yes
    2. no
    3. no
    4. yes, but only if you put 2 and 3 after establishing 4!
    5. yes
    6. tell them up front before trying that.
    7. it's different for each person, but you'll know all right.
    8. it's irresistible.
    9. that's a long or short list, depending on the individuals involved.


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    Nov 26, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    1. yes
    2. no
    3. no
    4. yes, but only if you put 2 and 3 after establishing 4!
    5. yes
    6. tell them up front before trying that.
    7. it's different for each person, but you'll know all right.
    8. it's irresistible.
    9. that's a long or short list, depending on the individuals involved.




    I agree,and one thing that seems to break up many guys is certain subjects to fight about. The last guy and I only fought about these things

    Him: roomie and his history, webcamming, not believing me
    that he was the one.

    Me: Being on internet just for friends, going to gay bars just for friends,
    certain friends of mine trying to break us up.


    These things could have been avoided but he wouldn't let it go. I was even gonna move to this small town with him to prove myself. Many make mistakes because they pick at the same issues rather then trust and focus on whats real " the love"

    attraction is a hard thing...Ive become attracted to someones looks after getting to know them. I became not so attacted when they opened their mouths lol.

    If you are cute or not, there are always issues.

    If you're not so hot, your guy will stray.

    If your cute or hot in not only his eyes, it leaves you open to be accused
    by your guy. Even if you are totally about him, he wont believe you because of his own posessive ways.,

    As for me, I don't think I want a relationship anymore. I'm tired of trying to prove that im not some muscle dude trying to get with everyone. The way I look has been a problem every time. I can't help if others like me, Im all about the guy im interested in. I guess its their loss in the end.

    It hurts each and everytime, When you actually love some one though, it hurts really bad and doesnt make you want to fall for anyone again

    be careful
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    Nov 26, 2008 5:27 PM GMT
    This is too tempting a thread to reply to. First for a disclaimer. I have not been successful at making a relationship work so you can take my advice as you wish. I can therefore only speak from my own failed history.

    1. I'm wondering therefore: is physical attraction important? It shouldn't be but I'm afraid it is for most men

    2. Is it good to try to be open-minded and settle for someone you weren't initially physically attracted to, but might be compatible with in other ways? - I have a friend who managed to pull this off. They have been together for over 10 years. He is the type of guy who has to be in a relationship. I know he fooled around a lot at the beginning of the relationship but now they live together and have a country home and would like to marry. It has never worked for me and I have tried on numerous occasions.

    3. Could other attributes outweigh physical attraction? - Yes but it is hard to separate the two. I go for a certain personality type and when I find that in an average looking guy I can be more turned on by him then I am by the perfect hunk that does not have the right personality. Get in touch with the personality type you like and you will discover it in average looking guys.

    4. Is it possible and how probable is it to develop such an attraction over time if you spend enough time together and getting to know each other? - It is very hard for this to happen because most gay men give up too quickly. When I tell a guy on a first date that I'd be more interested in friendship I never hear from them again.

    5. Is physical attraction also a part of "chemistry"? No relationship can last strictly on physical attraction. The easiest way to understand the difference is to actually sleep with a guy you find very physically appealing. Even if the sex the first time is great you may find that the lack of chemistry destroys gradually weakens your appetite.


    6, Many people seem to advise against "settling", but yet there's talk about not trying to restrict oneself to certain standards. - Don't make to big a deal about settling. Learn to enjoy life alone and when someone arrives think of him as a new best friend and go from there. If you are having a good time hanging out together just keep hanging out and don't think about whether he corresponds to your fantasy of the ideal lover. Just enjoy his company. You may find you're in a relationship without realizing it.

    7. When someone likes you more than you like them back, should you break it off or let it develop and see if it goes anywhere? - I always go with the flow but it has never worked. The one with a stronger attraction will almost always have a greater appetite for sex. This leaves him feeling insecure. I've dated guys who wrote me love poems and talked openly about their passion. The sex was plenty satisfying as I found the guys to be very sexy. The problem was their insecurities and jealousy would take over and they would try to control my every move. They would always feel a bit more vulnerable then I felt. Even in the case where I believe I felt very emotionally vulnerable and my attraction towards him was explosive I observed the same pattern develop. It was a distance relationship and the guy confessed that he cried every time I left. In all three cases they are convinced from the outset that I will leave them and in every case they are the ones who cut it off.

    8. How and when do you know that it wouldn't work? - When they start to get really upset over small things. When it is too much work and never feels like it can reach autopilot. When it feel less like a friendship and more like a chronically bickering couple. Mind you, I've observed relationships that stay together forever and appear that way to me.

    9, How do you know you have chemistry with someone? It should be obvious. What are some indications? High energy whenever you're together.


    So here some advice from someone who has failed too many times. Try to treat each potential lover as a friend. See if you have enough in common. If you don't but still have a strong sexual attraction have some fun for as long as it can last but be prepared for failure. Most of all you have to be honest with yourself. Are you always happier in a relationship than out of one no matter how weak the relationship may be? Or do you find you'd be happier alone then in many examples you see. I'm one of the latter even though I would love the autopilot relationship that feels like a very strong friendship.
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    Nov 26, 2008 6:48 PM GMT
    Yo Onslaught. Would you mind if you just stopped polluting every freaking thread with this stupid drama of yours. I have tried really hard to avoid reading your personal bullshit and its getting to the point that its out of control and unavoidable. I think I speak on behalf of a few people here in saying - WE DONT F-ING CARE. It was cute for about 1 minute - its now tiresome.

    On a different topic I agree with meninlove icon_smile.gif You need the physical attraction to be part of the relationship otherwise it will have its repricutions on your sex life.
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    Nov 26, 2008 7:19 PM GMT


    Interesting....

    Sometimes I feel good being alone, other times I wish I had someone.

    When I see married couples or movies about love, I get lonely.



    It suck that relationships get bad for either small problems or huge problems.
    What is really f'd up is when a small problem is bigger to the other guy.

    In all there has to be Trust... Think about it, why do relationships f up?

    1. Cheating, or being suspected
    2. Jealousy
    3. Abuse
    4. being selfish
    5. Possessive to the point of accusing someone of liking another.
    6. Two personalities that don't get along


    I think it’s true to treat things as a friend; I however don't do the sex thing unless I'm dating someone.


    You know attraction is going to always be there and it is important. But when the person is so afraid that others like you, that is when their attraction becomes and obsession to control you and keep you away for any one.

    Love; well you don't know how great it is till it's gone.

    I've tried dating, tried to get to know people. It's not in me to try anymore.
    Sure I won’t be bitter and stay single for another two years (that means no sex for two years either)

    When someone picks at you for things that aren't true, once they realize what they had, sometimes it’s too late. I think that when you break up you don't fully think of what just happened. It's your anger that causes you to say things and do things. Once that happens, only after to you see how stupid it was.

    As for me, well not to be cocky but I'm one hell of a catch.

    1. I’m good looking (okay I guess)
    2. I’m built
    3. Very sweet and passionate
    4. Caring for others more then myself
    5. Would never cheat, ever
    6. Funny
    7. Trustworthy
    8. very true to commitment

    Honestly I'm the dream guy that every love seeker wants.
    You may call it cocky but who doesn't want someone that
    will never cheat and will love you every day?

    Just know that before you break things up, think about why you are breaking up. Unless you have valid proof of dishonesty, don't let your assumptions over power what the heart wants. Once you realized what you lost, it might be too late.

    Attraction and love?

    First comes attraction, and then comes love.


    No one is perfect...love is love, don't let something small block how you feel for someone. We all open our mouths before we sit and think, we let our initial emotion take over. If that emotion is anger, it will come out and you will regret what is said.

    Be aware when you say “I love you" if you don’t know the true meaning. Your lust shouldn't be confused with love. Your like for someone shouldn’t be confused with love. Be careful what with the L word, you might just break someone’s heart once they see the truth.

    If you feel you’re settling, that should be enough to end things before you hurt someone. Someone you date should be everything you have ever wanted.
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    Nov 26, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    Asking us is going to do nothing for you.

    Everyone is different. Friendormate thinks physical attraction is not needed, but I think it is essential. Many people say you shouldn't settle, but I think most people who have been in successful long term relationships will tell you it is all about settling.

    There are no definitive answers to these questions. You have to figure out what your answers are. The only way to do that is to go out there, date, get into relationships, have your heart broken, fall madly in love, and all those other things people have to do to understand their own priorities.

    So get out of here and pick up some hot boy already! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 26, 2008 10:45 PM GMT
    Actually I said that physical attraction is needed for most men but I have witness at least once case where it was overcome. I'm sure there are others as I see homely couples who seem quite happy. There has to be a strong attraction but the physical part of that attraction may be overshadow by an attraction to the man's confidence, charisma, wisdom etc....In some cases a man's physique could detract from the attraction no matter how great a person he is. My point is that we call any attraction physical when there is a whole host of things that draw us close to someone.
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    Nov 26, 2008 11:17 PM GMT

    Attraction is conditional , love isn't (well unless he's a serial murderer or something).

    ..................................................
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    Nov 27, 2008 3:32 AM GMT
    palikari saidYo Onslaught. Would you mind if you just stopped polluting every freaking thread with this stupid drama of yours. I have tried really hard to avoid reading your personal bullshit and its getting to the point that its out of control and unavoidable. I think I speak on behalf of a few people here in saying - WE DONT F-ING CARE. It was cute for about 1 minute - its now tiresome.

    On a different topic I agree with meninlove icon_smile.gif You need the physical attraction to be part of the relationship otherwise it will have its repricutions on your sex life.


    lol dude these forums are of certain issues right, now If I currently have one issue, shouldn't I be able to talk about it to help another?

    Relax man, each thread I post has to deal with the subject at hand. My experience as of late is relevant to what is going on with other people.
    There is no drama, and all of this stuff we post is personal drama.
    I happen to have one current issue, sorry I don't have many stories of drama like everyone else has. Im a simple man, I use what I just went throught to help another.

    So this thread

    Attraction and love...

    My situation was just that, Attraction first then came love.
    so there you go.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 27, 2008 11:53 AM GMT
    Is physical attraction important?

    Supremely

    Is it good to try to be open-minded and settle for someone you weren't initially physically attracted to, but might be compatible with in other ways?

    Yes and no .... it's always good to be open-minded
    But you never Settle for anything especially in men
    Attraction comes in many forms You might be attracted by someone's looks or their intelligence their style their hair or even the car they drive

    Could other attributes outweigh physical attraction?

    Definitely

    Is it possible and how probable is it to develop such an attraction over time if you spend enough time together and getting to know each other?

    It's both possible and very probable ... but it works both ways
    The more you get to know someone you are either going to like them More or you're going to realize that your initial attraction was a mistake
    Sadly, the latter is more often true

    Is physical attraction also a part of "chemistry"?

    Yep... just the first part

    When someone likes you more than you like them back, should you break it off or let it develop and see if it goes anywhere?

    Depends on how much likable differential there really is
    If you don't like them at all best to end it now
    If you like them but not sure see where it goes
    You might be surprised at what happens
    You know if it's going to work or not if you see a change for the better or for the worse

    How do you know you have chemistry with someone? What are some indications?

    It's called "Not Being Able to Keep Your Hands Off Him"

    Best to keep this laminated in your wallet icon_wink.gif