Ex Married Men and How they are handling things

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2007 2:11 PM GMT
    I am recently separated headed for divorce. I admitted my gay preference to my wife and she has shared this with some of her friends. My 17 yo son has a very good idea as to why we are divorcing. I plan to have a frank discussion with him as soon as some of the dust settles.

    I do have a b/f who is single and never been married. We both choose to be discreet about our relationship and not be openly coupled.

    I think we would like to operate under the principle of "dont ask, dont tell". Is it possible? I am curious how other couples live a closeted lifestyle.
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    Mar 21, 2007 3:47 PM GMT
    Although I am not -- nor have I ever been -- your situation, I am curious as to why you wish to be "closeted" now that you have openly admitted your sexual orientation? I think many people's immediate response to that is that you are scared and/or ashamed of something? Is that the case? If so, why?
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    Mar 21, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    We have many reasons to keep the sexual orientation under wraps. I am not looking for opinions or guidance on that issue. I was interested in how others might have handled a similar situation.
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    Mar 21, 2007 5:12 PM GMT
    And it ABSOLUTELY is your right to be discreet if you want and/or need to.
    I came out at 42 in 15 year great marriage. It just really came to the surface and I had to face MY TRUTH. Its was both really positive and painful. We really loved each other. But in the end we realize we had to divorce. I never cheated on her. We had great tantric sex. Sex was not a problem. Its something deeper, something transcendent. When I met my then male partner it was so amazing and freeing to be able to express my deep connection and feelings for this amazing man. I'm glad we had 2 1/2 wonderful years together. He left the body in 2002 of a heart attack. I choose to see all the positive times we had together and the great depth of connection. That's what matters most to me.
    I like being out. But it is a double edged sword. In Atlanta it was easy and positive. Now where I live I'm very caustious. This is a rural bible belt area. One does have to be aware and careful.
    I think people outing other people is juvenile. There are many factors to consider and each situation is unique. One's job and place there, is a delicate issue.
    I hope these comments add to the subject of discussion.

  • Mar 21, 2007 5:30 PM GMT
    It's no one else's business, with the exception of your son and it sounds to me that you will deal with that. Don't ask don't tell is fine, but, perhaps you need to find some friends as a couple that you can spend time with so that you are not constantly hiding from everyone. However, your marriage has ended because you are gay, what else do you have to lose? Your job? It's 2007 can you lose your job because you're gay? Your soon-to-be ex wife has told people, perhaps because she needs people to talk to..which leads me to my next point, the time to tell your son might come sooner than later so that he doesn't have to hear from his friends. He will probably be upset at first,but, I am sure he will eventually come around. This is the best advice I can give as I was in a similar situation with my ex.
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    Mar 21, 2007 5:53 PM GMT
    I've been in a very similar but different situation. I was married for over 20 years. Only in the last 5 or so years did I actually think I had gay tendencies or desires. I started to play around on the side and thought I could keep it under wraps. "It was only sex...." I got caught and it was horrific. After months of therapy and healing we are in the last stages of divorce. I have never felt such a relief in my life. It was like a burden was lifted off my back. I have actually "come out" to all my family and most of my close friends. The love and support I have received is overwealming. It has been unconditional love. I fully understand the need to only tell a select few. For the others..its none of their business really. Only family and friends count the most. I'm the happiest I've been in years and look forward to my future now more than ever. I hope you work this out.

    My 22 year old son is still struggling with this. But I've keep calling him and expressing my love and continued support for him, regardless of how he treats me. He is still my son.

    If you want to talk more about this we can. Contact me and I give you my email address.
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    Mar 21, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    thanks stu and allstar....i know i am not the only one to deal with this, so it helps to get some feedback and a frame of reference from which i can make good judment calls.
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    Mar 21, 2007 10:30 PM GMT
    Divorced twice, not a problem. I never talk to my first wife and the second is really nice to me. So, What I do now is my business and my partners! I don't care what anyone thinks as well.
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    Mar 21, 2007 11:17 PM GMT
    My ex bf was going thru a divorce when we met (She knew, but his 8 yo son at the time didn't know). We were together for 5 years - had some friends that were out and some who were not. I don't recall anyone giving us a hard time about it. We all have our own way because of family, location, etc.

    Good luck!
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    Apr 06, 2007 10:10 PM GMT
    Krewe2:

    Since I may face this sometime in the near future, this is a most interesting topic. Thanks for bringing it up. Right now, wife and I are trying to stay together. It's tough, but to me, right now, being true to myself is staying with my wife. I do wonder if you shouldn't talk to your son sooner rather than later. It will be hard to hear from you, but even worse to hear from someone else.

    Good luck.
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    Nov 25, 2007 3:30 PM GMT
    I used to be married and have two sons, one 22 and one 20. It was difficult for all of us when we divorced. It is especially difficult with the finances. Divorce is a financial disaster.
    It has been twelve years now and we've all adjusted and are doing fine. I hope things work out for you.
    You will have to make your own way through this, you know better than any of us what is right for you and those you love. Good luck.