Oct 16, 2013 8:25 AM GMT
I need advice but i'm not sure where to start.... K about me i'm 24 almost 25 i never had a real relationship or one that i taken seriously, i guess my heart was closed off or i wasn't ready. But i worked on myself for a while now, and i feel like i grew a lot as a person. One day i met up with a guy i found on grindr told him come hang out with me and my friends one night and he was fun and awesome, we had cute sex that night even tho we kept saying we were just gonna be friends. then he started asking me to hang out and after an amazing week and a brief night of saying we shouldn't hook up anymore we confessed we liked each other more than friends, and he asked to be exclusive. a few days later we met with my other friends i didn't know how to introduce him so i asked him to be my boyfriend. We talked about our terms but a few days later he cheated on me with this old fugly douche...it was horrible..i was heart broken i asked for advice then and i had really mixed advice from friends but on real jock half the people said i deserved and the other half told me to end it. so i did but for about a week, then i saw something that reminded me of him and gave him a text. we decided to be friends again. the first night we hung out we auditioned to be go go dancers at this huge nyc night club it was fun, but the following monday he went alone to another club called the "cock" i couldn't go cuz i was bartending at my bar that night but i got off early and went to him. he was completely naked and letting ppl grind on him, so i got jealous and made out with some random dude, in turn he sucked off one of the other dancers for 20$, i waited for him anyway and i thought that would be the end of my feelings for him, but then he got mad at me and i kinda just made sure he was ok cuz he was drunk. When i got him to the train station he started crying he cried the entire way home. i donno why but i told him i loved him the next morning. i took him out for his birthday and he asked me to be his boyfriend again but in a open relationship cuz he didn't want to hurt me. He also told me he slept with two other guys since we broken up the first time. I slept with a cop the next day but i hated it. I'm happy when i'm with him but i'm also seeing a lot of his demons. He has no friends or family he can talk to here, he drinks alone, most of the time i'm scared to leave him alone cuz im scared he'll do something. A few days ago he told me when he first came to nyc he went to a party where he got really drunk, and passed out and woke up with a old creep raw dogging him while he was covered in vomit.I feel helpless at times cuz i know i can't help him. He wants to be exclusive again, but sometimes i worry if he actually loves me or if he's with me cuz i'm keeping him afloat. I love him i know that much, but i don't know if i'm in love with him. i'm not use to being the more stable one with anyone. I don't know what to do i know he might not be the best for me, but i also can't bring myself to break up with him, cuz i need to know he's ok. He refuses therapy but sees a shrink for all his anxiety and a.d.d pills. i never cared about someone as much as i care about him, i'm usually a break up artist who never gets attached so i feel like this is some kinda cruel karma retribution. i'm happy with i'm with him 70% of the time i worry all the time when im not with him and 30% of the time im with him i just want to know whats going through his head. i'm constantly paranoid that somethings going to happen. he also applied to a job in china that would take him away for 7 months half of me wants him to stay half of me want him to go and be happy, maybe it'll help him discover himself but then i worry about him being on his own. I really don't know what to do about him, i can't think of anything else.