first real relationship, i'm so paranoid. It's kinda long but i hope someone is willing to help with some GOOD advice

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    Oct 16, 2013 8:25 AM GMT
    I need advice but i'm not sure where to start.... K about me i'm 24 almost 25 i never had a real relationship or one that i taken seriously, i guess my heart was closed off or i wasn't ready. But i worked on myself for a while now, and i feel like i grew a lot as a person. One day i met up with a guy i found on grindr told him come hang out with me and my friends one night and he was fun and awesome, we had cute sex that night even tho we kept saying we were just gonna be friends. then he started asking me to hang out and after an amazing week and a brief night of saying we shouldn't hook up anymore we confessed we liked each other more than friends, and he asked to be exclusive. a few days later we met with my other friends i didn't know how to introduce him so i asked him to be my boyfriend. We talked about our terms but a few days later he cheated on me with this old fugly douche...it was horrible..i was heart broken i asked for advice then and i had really mixed advice from friends but on real jock half the people said i deserved and the other half told me to end it. so i did but for about a week, then i saw something that reminded me of him and gave him a text. we decided to be friends again. the first night we hung out we auditioned to be go go dancers at this huge nyc night club it was fun, but the following monday he went alone to another club called the "cock" i couldn't go cuz i was bartending at my bar that night but i got off early and went to him. he was completely naked and letting ppl grind on him, so i got jealous and made out with some random dude, in turn he sucked off one of the other dancers for 20$, i waited for him anyway and i thought that would be the end of my feelings for him, but then he got mad at me and i kinda just made sure he was ok cuz he was drunk. When i got him to the train station he started crying he cried the entire way home. i donno why but i told him i loved him the next morning. i took him out for his birthday and he asked me to be his boyfriend again but in a open relationship cuz he didn't want to hurt me. He also told me he slept with two other guys since we broken up the first time. I slept with a cop the next day but i hated it. I'm happy when i'm with him but i'm also seeing a lot of his demons. He has no friends or family he can talk to here, he drinks alone, most of the time i'm scared to leave him alone cuz im scared he'll do something. A few days ago he told me when he first came to nyc he went to a party where he got really drunk, and passed out and woke up with a old creep raw dogging him while he was covered in vomit.I feel helpless at times cuz i know i can't help him. He wants to be exclusive again, but sometimes i worry if he actually loves me or if he's with me cuz i'm keeping him afloat. I love him i know that much, but i don't know if i'm in love with him. i'm not use to being the more stable one with anyone. I don't know what to do i know he might not be the best for me, but i also can't bring myself to break up with him, cuz i need to know he's ok. He refuses therapy but sees a shrink for all his anxiety and a.d.d pills. i never cared about someone as much as i care about him, i'm usually a break up artist who never gets attached so i feel like this is some kinda cruel karma retribution. i'm happy with i'm with him 70% of the time i worry all the time when im not with him and 30% of the time im with him i just want to know whats going through his head. i'm constantly paranoid that somethings going to happen. he also applied to a job in china that would take him away for 7 months half of me wants him to stay half of me want him to go and be happy, maybe it'll help him discover himself but then i worry about him being on his own. I really don't know what to do about him, i can't think of anything else.
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    Oct 16, 2013 9:17 AM GMT
    1. Paragraph breaks are your friend. A lot of guys won't bother to read a nearly 30-line solid wall of text (at least in my own browser window).

    2. He asked to be exclusive, and then promptly had sex with someone else. I guess that means he wanted YOU to be exclusive. Or else he doesn't understand, or can't conform to, the meaning of the word. Not a good sign in a relationship.

    3. He sounds like an emotional wreck. He may be looking for anchors and fixed points in his life, to give him stability, and has latched onto you. But I'm not sure he's the type who would, or even can, reciprocate in turn. Your danger is that you will become the giver, even the enabler, and get little back in return, except for the fascination you have for him you've created in your own mind.

    But I think a relationship has to be mutual, with near equal giving & taking. He sounds like a charity case, and lots of us will want to take in a stray dog. But if the dog still wants to stray, and not settle in with us, and can't be housebroken, then maybe he'll be better off with someone else.

    Your intentions are noble, but I see this as a lost cause, that will only bring you grief in the long run, as it's already starting to do. Let's hope he does relocate to China, or you do, or you find the strength to just cut him loose and move on.
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    Oct 16, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    What's up TJ?

    ..The post reveals destructive behavior that cannot sustain a meaningful relationship.

    ..The problem here is you are dating a guy you know nothing about and.. What is being revealed as time goes by in my opinion is kinda scary.

    Is it me or.. was that some serious drama in such a short period of time?

    Lets be honest.. You already lost respect and trust for for this guy, I mean.. I am a bit of a wild child myself but dating or having a boyfriend changes things.. And it Seems as if your guy is not ready to grasp that entirely.

    .. Please understand.. In no way I'm judging you.. I've had my share of krazy ,unstable moments.

    You have to back out of this one if things don't settle down..

    Hugz.
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    Oct 16, 2013 2:17 PM GMT
    Dude this is hectic. Im sorry to say, but this guy is an anchor, he will hold u back. nothing good will come out of this.... What if he kills himself, what if he disappears, what if, what ifs......is all this guy is bringing to your life. Dude u have to leave this dude, like seriously.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 16, 2013 2:38 PM GMT
    I gathered that he's got a substance abuse problem, no family or friends, alcoholic, liar, cheater, doesn't respect you, and u still love him?

    OK. icon_wink.gif This sounds promising.
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    Oct 16, 2013 2:44 PM GMT
    If your relationship should move forward, he has to change his habits, I can see no other way out!
    If you like him, you have to be strong on him. Avoid compromising.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 16, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    Oh, boy.. where to begin? I made it thru most of the wall-of-text, so my take is that both of you are showing self-destructive behavior. Neither one of your are capable of a monogamous relationship. He needs help--more that what you can provide.

    If I were you, I would end it friendly, urge him to speak to a counselor about his substance abuse.. and do your best to not contact again. I know--near impossible--but this isn't gonna end well for both of you if you stay together on this path.

    Learn.. to be healthy. Grow up some.. and things will get better for you.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Oct 16, 2013 3:11 PM GMT
    Look at what your life has been like since you've met this guy.

    It's not going to change. He has problems you can not fix. He's not ready for a relationship and neither are you.

    You haven't known each other long enough to even think about having a relationship. Even when you feel like you've fallen in love - you can't rush into a relationship. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to what you want and expect from each other - and the two of you aren't even close.

    Feeling emotions of love can be the most wonderful thing in the world - and sometimes feeling emotions of love can suck. Don't give up on meeting a guy and falling in love. I suspect you may be in love with the idea of being in love. It happens to all of us. Slow it way down with this guy. Step outside of your involvement and look at what's really going on. You may love him because you care about what happens to him, but if you're not sure you're "in love" then you probably aren't in love.
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:15 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidHow did you guys get through the thick writing? I do think the OP needs to date some more and learn a thing or two a long the way.

    I almost didn't finish it myself, and included that observation in my comment above. In fact, the main reason I bothered was because I've been up since 2 AM with nothing to do, except wait for the central AC unit to deice, watching for floor flooding. The damn thing went low on charge, and the indoor coil unit froze up solid, causing the house temperature to rise which woke me up. And the AC repair guy may not get here until Friday, with it upper 80s all week. icon_razz.gif

    The OP did say he's somewhat new to the relationship scene, and it's unfortunate that he doesn't seem to have gotten a keeper for his first serious attempt. Compounding the problem is that the guy appears to be needy & dependent, with serious issues that are probably beyond the skill set of the OP to handle.

    In which case he's actually doing both of them a favor to break it off. When you see a guy drowning, and you're not a strong swimmer yourself, but there are trained lifeguards nearby, what do you do? Call for a lifeguard, or plunge into the water yourself? The DIY solution may get you both drowned.
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    Good thing your screen name is TheaterJock.

    Drama much?
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    freedomisntfree saidGood thing your screen name is TheaterJock.

    Drama much?

    LOL! Now, give him a break, one of my college degrees is in Theatre. From a campus less than 30 miles from where he lives, and did theatre in the NYC area myself, as well as TV & radio. So that I have a healthy respect for drama. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidThanks ART_DECO for the summarized version. Yes, he needs to have diverse experience and just get back out there. Fall in love, get hurt, try again, and find the one where even his flaws are beautiful.

    +1

    That's almost poetic, seriously, but also very true. I wonder if he realizes how many dead ends, false starts, losers and heartbreak most of us had to go through to find our own Keeper.

    But you only find him if you keep looking for him, and are strong enough to discard the losers and not waste valuable time & resources on them. It's really all about momentum, and not getting bogged down in futile efforts.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Oct 16, 2013 3:39 PM GMT
    Go easy on the OP - we've all been in situations where we're an emotional mess. It's how we learn - and a lot of guys are still trying to figure out what this thing called love is all about.
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    Is he hawt???
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    Oct 16, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    Bloody oath , what a relationship you both have ...
    You both are cheating , he is a drunk and you are obsessed with him ..I do not think you are in love with , you might like him and feel sorry about his problems , but you aren't in love with someone and then have sex with others !!!
    Break it off , this relationship is going nowhere and is bringing only grief and tears to you ..
    You seem to be a very caring person , you deserve better .
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    Oct 16, 2013 4:13 PM GMT
    theaterjock said...i didn't know how to introduce him so i asked him to be my boyfriend....

    ...We talked about our terms but a few days later he cheated on me with this old fugly douche...


    Asking someone to be your boyfriend just because you didn't know how to introduce him is dishonest. It says that you became his boyfriend not for him, not for you, not for a mutually shared relationship, but as a way to define yourself to your friends.

    Using someone's age in the derogatory is ageist so I'll neither read nor comment further.
  • pandx970

    Posts: 357

    Oct 17, 2013 6:13 PM GMT
    Fundamentally, it's up to you whether you allow this guy in your life or not. Having experience in relationships and hook-ups and all that, I don't know if I would keep this guy around because it sounds like he's suffering a lot and needs time to sort himself out before he's ready to be an honest-to-goodness boyfriend.

    The best advice I've ever gotten about love relationships and marriage is that, if your relationship is making you neglect the things you need to be doing right now in your life or forgetting your purpose in life, you're in the wrong relationship. The most positive relationships are a partnership in which both people encourage each other to reach for their own goals and dreams and share openly what those hopes and dreams are. A relationship should make you feel like you want to be better, inspire you, and give you hope. If you're not in a relationship that fits the bill, you're better off facing the scorn of the person you're dating and the prospect of being alone than being in that kind of relationship.

    Best of luck.

    PS Paragraphs are your friend. Paragraphs are your friend. PARAGRAPHS. ARE. YOUR. FRIEND.
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    Oct 18, 2013 8:01 AM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Import saidI gathered that he's got a substance abuse problem, no family or friends, alcoholic, liar, cheater, doesn't respect you, and u still love him?

    OK. icon_wink.gif This sounds promising.

    Um, yup. But honestly the OP doesn't sound like a bargain either. You immediately went out and slept with a cop because you were jealous? Wow. And you're almost 25? That's not a kid's age. I was 25 when my son was born.
    Grow the fuck up.


    i didn't sleep with the cop out of jealousy. i slept with him to see if i could handle being in a open relationship
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    Oct 18, 2013 8:15 AM GMT
    sorry about the lack of paragraphs guys!

    thanks for the advice i read through all of them even some of the meaner ones.

    i kinda came to the same conclusion today and reading all of this kinda makes me believe more in my decision to end things with him.

    I'm really sad about this. this sucks, but im already seeing the damage he's going to leave. I'm bracing myself for a few months of being single cuz i'm probably gonna need time to heal up and find my center again.

    Thanks guys for the advice, i really appreciate it.
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    Oct 18, 2013 2:28 PM GMT
    pandx970 saidFundamentally, it's up to you whether you allow this guy in your life or not. Having experience in relationships and hook-ups and all that, I don't know if I would keep this guy around because it sounds like he's suffering a lot and needs time to sort himself out before he's ready to be an honest-to-goodness boyfriend.

    The best advice I've ever gotten about love relationships and marriage is that, if your relationship is making you neglect the things you need to be doing right now in your life or forgetting your purpose in life, you're in the wrong relationship. The most positive relationships are a partnership in which both people encourage each other to reach for their own goals and dreams and share openly what those hopes and dreams are. A relationship should make you feel like you want to be better, inspire you, and give you hope. If you're not in a relationship that fits the bill, you're better off facing the scorn of the person you're dating and the prospect of being alone than being in that kind of relationship.

    Best of luck.

    PS Paragraphs are your friend. Paragraphs are your friend. PARAGRAPHS. ARE. YOUR. FRIEND.


    Excellent. Best post of the day!
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    Oct 18, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    theaterjock said
    I'm bracing myself for a few months of being single cuz i'm probably gonna need time to heal up and find my center again.

    Thanks guys for the advice, i really appreciate it.

    You're welcome. And perfectly normal to need some time off, we've all done it. There's even a risk that if you jump back into the fray too quickly, it makes you susceptible to the "rebound effect".

    That's when your judgment is impaired, due to your recent emotional turmoil, and you make life decisions, and settle for guys, that are poor choices. After a break-up, or any major emotional disturbance, it's often advisable to make no significant decisions of any kind for a while, until your feet are planted firmly back on the ground, everything back to normal.

    Take a time out, get your head together, and then move on. A tried & true strategy.
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    Oct 18, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    It seems to take approximately half the time that you're were in the relationship to completely recover (and why I don't do it anymore). I don't have enough time left in my life.