Young lad needs some advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2013 9:18 PM GMT
    This could be a little long but I'm just trying to sort everything out in my mind. I'm a 19 year old guy in college and last year right before starting school I had a close family member diagnosed with advanced cancer. My life was pretty miserable after that, and I also hated the college that I went to.

    Over winter break I turned to online hook up websites just to see what was out there and maybe explore a little. Everyone was kind of sketchy but this one guy messaged me and I decided he was normal and it might be cool to meet up with him. He is 16 years older than me... So about a week after talking I go to his place in the city to basically meet up for sex. He didn't pressure me or anything, but we ended up messing around and I liked it. This kind of turned into a regular thing during the rest of winter & spring, and we became friends. I'd come over to his place maybe once a week and sleep over. We'd mess around but we'd also hang out and talk a lot. He went away for work for a few months and when he came back over the summer I saw him a few more times. Then he went away for a long vacation and I haven't seen him since. The whole time we've stayed in contact with texting though. I don't think we've gone more than about a week without texting. The past few months he's called me when I was going though some stuff and he has helped me out a lot with advice and whatnot. While he was hooking up with me he was hooking up with another dude around my age but was completely open about it with me. I was alright with this because I think I didn't feel threatened by the other dude or something. We never formally labeled what we had going on, but I think I remember him saying that we are friends who care about each other and casually hook up. Of course I end up developing feelings for him but I never said anything because I didn't want t complicate things.

    Last week he told texted me the usual 'what's going on with you' kind of message and I told him that I wanted to see him. He said he has been seeing someone around his age and that that's probably why he hasn't been pushing to hang out because he's still feeling the situation out. I was pretty saddened by this because I never thought he'd really be pursuing anything with people his age or something. The last thing I want is for him to get into a relationship with someone, leaving us as strictly friends. I told him I'd be bummed out if he were to get into a relationship and we couldn't mess around anymore and he said that he sort of feels like we should still be able to mess around. I wanted to meet up with him and catch up to get a better idea of where he was coming from and we kind of set a date but he never really got back to me about it. I jokingly asked if i'd ever see him again and he said "yes you will. of course". Then I said I wished it was easier planning something and he never responded. I think it ended on a weird note.


    I've been thinking about this for about a week and I'm upset about it because I really do love him. He came into my life when it was pretty bad and he gave me a reason to push forward. He made me feel so safe and helped me out with so much stuff, so knowing that it could be over makes me feel lost. All these feelings are so confusing because I know that our future as anything more than friends is completely unrealistic. I picture him in bed with this other guy and it makes me sad. I didn't care about him seeing younger dudes and hooking up with them because I never thought he'd take it further than that. Now that he's with an older guy it's scary because something serious can develop from that.

    I guess where I'm at right now is accepting reality and backing off from for a little while. I need to accept that we are just friends but it's so hard. I don't want to cut him out of my life because I look up to him so much, but it's hard because he's really everything I ever wanted and I have the highest standards. Normally I get sick of someone after some time but my feelings have grown for him so much. I have a hard time loving people and yet I'm so in love with him. I fear going forward that I'll never find someone as cool as him or even someone I like as much. I've also realized that I ONLY like older guys (between late 20's-40) and it makes me depressed because it seems like nothing will come from that and I'll be alone forever. Even with our arrangement we had going on a few months ago, I feel like that was so rare to come by given my circumstances in life. I miss it so much and it's driving me crazy.



    Can anyone relate to this at all? Can any older guys give me advice with this? What do you think I should do? Today I decided to accept the reality of everything but it's hard when I feel like I'd drop everything just to be with this guy.


    Any input is helpful. Gracias





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    He was never dating someone. I said that he was casually hooking up with another dude around my age.

    And meeting up with him after a week sounds really crazy but I was pretty cautious about everything. I kind of made him give me a lot of information about him and I was able to google him to conclude he was normal. We talked on skype for a while too, and I saw that he had a pretty nice apartment so I imagined that he'd have to be pretty sane to live there.


    As far as the age difference goes, I don't think of him as being 16 years older. He's even told me the same kind of thing. I feel like we're both on more or less the same level, with him having more experience with stuff.

    And he does have a fetish for younger guys.



    But I don't know.....I kind of just want advice on how I can accept this whole situation for what it is, and move forward as friends with him.
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    Oct 17, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    And I guess it probably sounds like he was using me for sex but I disagree with that. I think we both equally "used" each other for sex and he agreed with that.

    It wasn't like I was just hooking up with this guy. We would hang out too and be friends. He would ask me about my problems and give me advice with things and "be there" for me in a way that was completely unrelated to sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2013 9:51 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI don't know quite how to tell you this, but he was using you for sex.
    Now he doesn't need to.
    I'm sorry for being blunt.


    that pretty much sums it up
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 17, 2013 9:53 PM GMT
    You're enamored with this guy because of timing. The timing was just right. You were vulnerable, going through a hard-time personally, needed an outlet. The whole scenario is perfect.

    Enter older man-- he comes in, comforts you ,makes you feel good, lets u forget about ur worries, etc. You guys were messing around and YOU developed feelings, while he did not.

    Older man finds compatible suiter for himself---leaves yo ass high and dry.
    I'd take it for what it is--- remember the good times, but also learn from it.
    You will get over it. You'll def find someone else. Get a fake ID and start hitting the gay bars. I mean, it's thursday night for christ's sake, surely every gay bar in town is having a "$2 long island iced tea" night or something like that.
    Also, you may be developing an older man fetish yourself. meow.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 17, 2013 10:01 PM GMT
    In his eyes ... you're just a piece of ass and a boost to his over bloated ego ... find somebody decent
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 17, 2013 10:05 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidIn his eyes ... you're just a piece of ass ... find somebody decent


    That's all I ever was to you. icon_cry.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 17, 2013 10:08 PM GMT
    Import said
    AMoonHawk saidIn his eyes ... you're just a piece of ass ... find somebody decent


    That's all I ever was to you. icon_cry.gif

    Oh no ... not you baby ... not just a piece of ass ... but one hell of an awesome great piece of ass icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2013 10:32 PM GMT
    Everyone seems to think that this guy is done with me and never wants to see me again or something.

    Basically we left off on a weird note but we're still friends.


    As far as the "daddy figure" goes, I can say with certainty that I don't see him as that at all. I have a a father and an older brother for that matter, and we have the typical family relationships. Like I said earlier, when my friend and I are together we both don't concentrate on the age difference because it doesn't feel like I have to.


    To sum everything up, I really love this guy but I know that we can only be just friends. I want advice on how to accept this and move on. I think a big part of me is just missing our intimate times together.

    Thanks for all the responses thus far
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 17, 2013 10:35 PM GMT
    tinabob said I want advice on how to accept this and move on.

    My advice to you is to stop living in denial and find somebody better. ... Or do you just like be shitted on?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2013 11:03 PM GMT
    What do you mean denial and someone better?

    I don't think I'm living in denial as I'm acknowledging the reality of the situation. He isn't a bad person and has gone out of his way to help me through things. He said to me one that he's grateful that we have a genuine connection but also a realistic understanding of our friendship".

    The entire reason I'm posting this is because I want advice on how to come to true terms with this. I just miss fooling around with him now that he's seeing someone.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 17, 2013 11:08 PM GMT
    One day when you get older, you will look back at this and say to yourself .... "God, what a schmuck!"
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    Oct 18, 2013 1:01 AM GMT
    You bonded with him and now you're hurt that it's over. Sadly, we've all gone through this disappointment. In time, it will bother you less and less. Keep busy, exercise, meet new people, I assure you that you'll be fine. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 18, 2013 1:06 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidOne day when you get older, you will look back at this and say to yourself .... "God, what a schmuck!"


    This

    seriously mate no guy who is 16 years older than you, who has a young guy fetish is worth your time. He is playing you, try and heed the advice many of us 'older guys" are giving you here. We have been there and done that.

    If you choose not to take the advice fine, its part of growing up. But one day you will realise you were just being used for sex.
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    Oct 18, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice. I can't get over how many people think he's "playing" me. We would hook up with each other and have sex but it's not like he enjoyed it more than me or something(??). We also enjoyed spending time with each other when we weren't having sex and he would go out of his way to give me advice on stuff about growing up.

    At the end of the day I guess I'm okay with us being strictly friends now that he is seeing someone. Hopefully in the future we'll be able to mess around with each other again
  • shoelessj

    Posts: 511

    Oct 18, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
    Boy, rough crowd, eh?

    First off, you didn't do anything wrong, you don't have any voids in your life that you were trying to fill with a daddy figure, you weren't 'used,' or something horrible like that. If you've allowed any of these opinions to enter your head, get rid of them now.

    I will be blunt, and objective, here, but i don't intend to be dismissive of you and what you're going through, because I've been there, kinda, on both sides.

    You each got what you needed and wanted for awhile. It felt pretty good while it was going on, for both of you, i imagine. But -- you guys should have communicated with each other early on that this was not going to turn into a dating/boyfriend type of relationship. At the very least, he was irresponsible and not acting like the adult he should be if he didn't communicate this to you. At his age, with his experience, he should have known better. Now don't jump to his defense here, because i've been the 30-something guy with a not-quite boyfriend who was 19. It was fun for a couple months but he got kinda weird, it ended kinda weird, and I was afraid a little, i admit, so i coulda/shoulda handled it better. And maybe if i had we could have become a couple - who knows? But that's what i have heard from others my age who've either fooled around with or know someone who has fooled around with a guy in his late teens/early 20s - they tend to fall, really hard, in love, when it's not love, it's just a physical relationship.

    Some guys, though ARE able to stay friends and even better, once the sex part ends, keep in touch and the younger guy, at least, use the older guy for advice and stuff like that, be it personal or professional/career. It's rare though, but i think that's probably the best that can come out of a situation like that.

    I've also been the 19-year-old who fell for a guy who wasn't 15 years older than me, just like 8, but at that age the difference was big, and after some fun I wrote him letters, thought about him constantly, looked for him when i went out, and really embarrassed myself a couple times, once running into him with his new boyfriend - uggh. But we kept in touch for awhile; he moved away, we sent each other letters, christmas cards, then he disappeared. I hate to tell you this, but even though i moved on soon enough, i didn't really get over him completely for a few years, until i found someone else.

    Anyway, i don't know if this helps at all, but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone; many of us have been there where you are and have gotten thru it. But please don't expect anything from this guy. He's apparently moved on physically and emotionally. If you can't do the same for now, at least act like you have, to him - you know, he should have your thanks for helping you get thru a rough period, and helping you with some sexual discovery, as well, but he should kind of be treated as an ex- would be. Don't hate him, don't plead with him to get together again, either, though. But be civil to one another, because it's always good to have friends and acquaintances, just don't try to get back together with him, because it ain't happening.

    Take care of yourself, though.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 18, 2013 7:32 AM GMT
    Everyone here has hurt feeling, emotional upset stories to tell. What you are living through is one of your own, sometimes referred to as "another god-damned learning experience." Please don't misunderstand, I'm not intending to demean it at all. It hurts to have feelings for someone when they aren't being reciprocated. It hurts to feel connected with someone and then realize it can't realistically go any further.

    How do you move on? Well, it takes time and how long depends on a lot of things. As shoelessj said, you just have to keep busy, keep your mind occupied with other interests and especially meeting other people. The good news is you'll get over this guy eventually. The bad news is this probably won't be the only time you'll feel this way in your life.

    So, for me, who has had plenty of heartbreak, what it all boils down to is to cherish the good times and not take them for granted. There will, hopefully, be lots of them. But life is like this, pleasurable sometimes and painful at other times. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you don't feel these things but somehow as you get older you get more used to the ride, I guess.
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    Oct 18, 2013 8:30 AM GMT
    make sure to charge him some money for all the "fun time" u serve for him,icon_rolleyes.gif

    seriously,u can do better than this.
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    Oct 18, 2013 1:56 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    So, for me, who has had plenty of heartbreak, what it all boils down to is to cherish the good times and not take them for granted. There will, hopefully, be lots of them. But life is like this, pleasurable sometimes and painful at other times. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you don't feel these things but somehow as you get older you get more used to the ride, I guess.

    +1

    I've had my breakups, too. A couple of them after 2 years. I wish they had worked out, but when I look back on them, the memories I have are mostly good. And some of the happier moments I'll remember the rest of my life, glad I didn't miss them.

    And the bad moments I mostly minimize. I haven't forgotten or suppressed them, I've even related some of them online here. But I view them with some detachment, as the proverbial "learning experiences" which they really were. They did make me wiser for the most part, and besides I love to tell a good story, even if the joke is sometimes on me. icon_redface.gif
  • WrestlerBoy

    Posts: 1903

    Oct 18, 2013 3:08 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]shoelessj said[/cite]Boy, rough crowd, eh?



    Some guys, though ARE able to stay friends and even better, once the sex part ends, keep in touch and the younger guy, at least, use the older guy for advice and stuff like that, be it personal or professional/career. It's rare though, but i think that's probably the best that can come out of a situation like that.

    Man, "rough crowd" is putting it mildly, right? A lot of guys giving you "advice" seem to think "life" is one big manipulative set-up where some other human being is always arranging to shit on you, as opposed to its being, you know...life.

    But you sound like you have a good enough head on your shoulders to process all of this, and Shoe's advice above is right on: I have at least a half dozen friends (I would call them close friends) whom I met because we, initially, slept together. One of those friends has a story "just like yours":

    He met a guy when he was 18, in college, the guy he met was a 31-year-old banker. They were together for a while, didn't work out, again... just life, no recriminations. A couple of months ago that 18-yr-old (now what, 47??) went to that 31-yr-old banker's 60th birthday party and, he tells me, had an incredibly great time.

    There are as many stories like that, in life, as there are of the "he's using you, schmuck" kind. It just depends on your perspective icon_smile.gif



  • Jacob_w

    Posts: 2

    Oct 18, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    Dude...If u reli love him, u got to tell him wt u think! Tell him everything, send this whole story you put here to him. Even if it doesn't work out, you won't regret for doing nth.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Oct 18, 2013 3:47 PM GMT
    What you're experiencing has been experienced by a million guys or more.
    It's happened to me - I "fell in love" with the first guy I had sex with. He told me I wasn't in love with him, just in love with the idea of a guy that showed me attention when I really needed it. He was right, but I didn't want to hear it at the time.

    You went into this with the expectation of having sex, which you did, but then it went further - you became friends and you fell in love. I can't fault you for that - it happens. But, it didn't work out the way you had hoped.

    You both used each other, and no one is at fault. Can't fault the guy for wanting a relationship - but it isn't with you. So, now you have to understand it's time to move on. It's going to hurt for a while, but you'll get through it and be a better person for it.

    Remember, not all sex is love - sometimes it's just sex. Guard your feelings. If you get involved with a hook-up, don't expect it to be more than that. It may become more, but don't expect it to happen.

    So, yes, I can totally relate - I've been on both sides of the situation. Take a step back and give it some time. It maybe possible to remain friends, but don't get your hopes too high. You'll meet other guys and you'll be able to apply what you've learned from this experience.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 18, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    shoelessj said(lots of good stuff)...he should have known better....(some more good stuff)...he should have your thanks for ... helping you with some sexual discovery...


    Lots of good stuff there but I'm not so certain that we owe anyone a debt of gratitude for playing with our emotions. And I think that's the justified sentiment some of the other criticisms are picking up on, though, as you rightfully point out, ya don't wanna put too much weight on that crap either.

    I don't necessarily buy into the pseudo-positive-thinking-esque notion of taking all bad things happening as a learning experience. Of course we should learn from our mistakes, but I'm pretty sure life could have taught me that one and one is two without dropping an upright piano on my head. But our ego refuses to let us see that sometimes we've just been wasting our time, because, you know, our time is so precious that all of it must have been meaningful, none of it void. Then in order to not null & void any of the experiences of our own lives, we assign meaning, shining a positive light on what was essentially a whole lotta crap.

    Pencils have erasers but the Akashic records of life are written in lead so all you can do is cross out to redact reality. It's all still there, but we blot some. Life is TED. All these terrible things happened to me but what I learned is...

    The other bullshit is that any two people experience their relationship in the same way. You might find two different things that synch up for a while but there will always be dynamics of being at odds. That can get out of hand and be destructive, but without that is stagnation. So it provides both for motion forward but also unlocks trap doors to a fall. Watch your step. Know when to jump.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 18, 2013 5:04 PM GMT
    WrestlerBoy said
    shoelessj saidBoy, rough crowd, eh?

    Some guys, though ARE able to stay friends and even better, once the sex part ends, keep in touch and the younger guy, at least, use the older guy for advice and stuff like that, be it personal or professional/career. It's rare though, but i think that's probably the best that can come out of a situation like that.

    Man, "rough crowd" is putting it mildly, right? A lot of guys giving you "advice" seem to think "life" is one big manipulative set-up where some other human being is always arranging to shit on you, as opposed to its being, you know...life.

    But you sound like you have a good enough head on your shoulders to process all of this, and Shoe's advice above is right on: I have at least a half dozen friends (I would call them close friends) whom I met because we, initially, slept together.

    I agree with WrestlerBoy on this. When I was 19 I met a 30+ gay man who was very helpful to me, first openly gay man I'd ever met. We even shared an apartment for a few months but we weren't sexual so it is a different kind of story. I didn't have nearly as clear a head on my shoulders at that age as you seem to. He helped me understand a lot of things about myself, introduced me to the gay scene of Chicago and helped me keep my bearings. We stayed friends for several years but eventually lost contact and I assume he's no longer with us (I've searched but with no success).

    I also think the attitude many have about situations like this are very interesting. Yes, there are sexual predators out there, older men who want to take advantage of younger ones. But not every situation is like that, either. There are older gay men who remember what it was like to be younger and needing guidance, too. The way you describe this situation doesn't sound exploitative to me so I agree, you haven't done anything wrong.

    Personally, I don't think it would hurt to tell the guy what you are going through, how you really feel. Part of the reason potential relationships often 'go south' is because people aren't honest with themselves and one another about what they're really feeling. I don't get the sense that being honest about your feelings will change the situation in this instance but it might be good for you. At least now you know what you want... You want a relationship with at least some of the good qualities you found in this one. My advice is don't *assume* that necessarily means that your partner needs to be close to 20 years your senior. Maybe, maybe not. Not all older men, even if you find them physically attractive, will be good for or to you. Not all guys closer to your own age will be bad to or for you, either.

    Getting to the point in your life where you're really ready for a capital R Relationship takes time and maturity. It means being able to see past the surface of someone and feeling confident enough in yourself to let someone see past the surface of yourself -- to who and what is really there. Love is about that.

  • WrestlerBoy

    Posts: 1903

    Oct 18, 2013 8:24 PM GMT
    +1