Do all formerly married closet cases have these issues?

  • WrdFg

    Posts: 6

    Oct 18, 2013 2:05 AM GMT
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11405

    Oct 18, 2013 2:31 AM GMT
    where is the love? icon_neutral.gif

    sounds like you were just using each other for sex
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    Oct 18, 2013 3:22 AM GMT
    To me it sounds like you let sex get in the way of love and this is one of the reasons I advocate open relationships, for when the sexual preferences don't match up. I'm not adverse to a closed one, should all the, um, stars align, but, outside of some perversion I might not want to deal with, I'd not let the other guy's sexual preference either mutate mine or deter me from enjoying the rest of what I might like about him.

    As to the control issue, again, you're confusing sex with the rest of life. Just because someone enjoys a partner taking the lead out of bed, doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to dominate in bed. And just because a partner might enjoy some domination in bed, doesn't mean he won't crack you over the skull if you should try to control him outside the bedroom.

    As to being caught in lies, you need to question why you put up with more than the first.
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    Oct 18, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    I would say, as a guy who was married for 22 years, that you two were not compatible and sex was certainly one reason. Open communications is important but equally important is that you listen to what each of you is saying! Being both tops or bottoms will create an issue unless you have some arrangement in the relationship for each to find some sexual satisfaction.

    I don't think this has anything to do with guys being previously married. Like anyone, married guys are just as different as the day is long. Some do have issues that they bring with them, others don't. There's no one size fits all!

    Sorry you had a bad experience. Many formally married guys provide stability and great relationship experiences that some gay guys haven't had. Good luck on a new adventure and hopefully your experience will be of value when meeting other guys in the future.
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    Oct 18, 2013 3:32 AM GMT
    Do all formerly married closet cases have these issues?

    I was formerly married, and I do not have the issues you describe. But then neither was I a closet case, but rather in denial. I actually believed I was straight, until I finally realized my orientation and so came out, immediately.

    But after that I had no problem with being top or bottom, other than bottoming hurt me at first, and so I put doing that aside for a while. There were no psychological issues involved, however, no residuals of my previous married life, it was just physically difficult for me. In fact, from the first, gay sex was better for me than straight sex had ever been, and I loved it.

    Whether or not this guy has issues from his previous straight marriage seems immaterial to me. The point is he has an approach to gay sex that doesn't match yours. You'll also run into that with gays who have never lived straight, as well as the formerly married. It would be wrong to draw a generalized conclusion about closeted men, based on this one experience. Take each man as you find him.
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    Oct 18, 2013 11:38 AM GMT
    Based on the stigma surrounding bottoming, i get where he was coming from. I have a feeling that, u also were a very difficult partner to bottom, u made it known or felt that this was just a physical act to please him and you were not getting any pleasure from it, just an act of convinience. This will also cause me to be limp.

    if his really a bottom, i hope one day he will get to accept his role as a partner and live life to the fullest.

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    Oct 18, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    WrdFg saidI should also mention that he was a highly sexual individual.

    He also had a fear of being detectably gay. He said he despised anything remotely effeminate, yet he was certainly no lumberjack.

    Part of the reason I finally dumped him was that his constant complaining made me fear he may just go elsewhere to ease his frustrations.

    But I'm happy to hear that this isn't a formerly married man cliche'. This was my first time dating a man who was previously living a straight lifestyle, so I wasn't sure if it was the norm.

    Given high sex desire and your fear of him going elsewhere, I suspect that this is the type of person that would want some openness in a relationship. Perhaps he could make a distinction between emotional monagomous love and monogamous sex, but the partner needs to be able to do that also. Doesn't sound like you were there so you may have made the right choice to move on.

    The 'fear of being detectable gay' seems to me to be something that many married guys struggle with because they've fought hard throughout their lives to ensure they're not identified as being gay (looking, sounding, acting, whatever those might be). I've met married guys that set off my gaydar in seconds but think they'll never be thought of as gay. I also think that fear does subside with time as they truly accept who they are and begin to realize that we all have our own personalities and others will always judge us based upon their thoughts!

    Glad you've recognized that you can't lump all married guys into a single category anymore than you can lump all gay guys into one. We're all different, we all experience things differently and we react accordingly. Don't discount a married guy for a relationship in the future, just use your new found knowledge to ensure it's the right guy for you.
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    Oct 18, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    WrdFg said
    I had taken great precautions with him, and we had HIV tests 3 times over 7 months before condoms were removed. ...For all I know he could have messed around behind my back, but on the other hand I just don't think so.

    I'd like to just focus on this issue of HIV safety. It's true that after 7 months of both of you testing HIV negative, the condoms could come off.

    But ONLY if you both had been 100% monogamous prior, and remained monogamous afterwards. Yet you write: "For all I know he could have messed around behind my back..."

    Well, that's NOT safe sex. When you take the condom off you place your life in the hands of the other guy. And he places his life in your hands.

    If you have any doubt whatsoever ("...he could have messed around behind my back...") then the condom stays on. Sorry for the topic diversion, but I thought it merited a comment.
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    Oct 18, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    ' stigma surrounding bottoming'...

    there is a stigma???

    Sound like both of your weren't totally capable of expressing your thoughts to each other. I do think gay men need to get over some of the labels we place on each other. I dont think it had alot to do with his prior marriage, although I can see where some of his thought processes are coming from. In time hopefully he will become more comfortable with his sexuality. It does take some time i believe.
    All the best to you...
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    Oct 18, 2013 4:27 PM GMT


    "Despite that he was built like a football player, you could tell he was gay just by talking to him."


    "I should also mention that he was a highly sexual individual. He claimed that in his marriage, he and his wife could have sex upwards of 3-4 times daily. And even when he started corresponding with men online and started dealing with his true sexuality, he his wife would still had sex 1-2 times daily."

    That's not gay, that's Bi. icon_neutral.gif
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Oct 18, 2013 6:15 PM GMT
    WrdFg saidHonestly, I'm the type of guy who could never seriously trust someone entirely, but I felt I couldn't punish him forever by using condoms because of my general distrust in a dating situation, especially after consistently coming up negative. On the final test, I had him tested for just about everything because I knew if all was clear, condoms were coming off.

    We had talked about monogamy and he swore up and down that he had not had any sort of sexual contact with anyone for nearly a year prior to our first experience. For me it had been longer. And throughout our time together he insisted I was the only one he was doing anything with. It was really just his high sex drive and complaining that kept me unsure. I did once ask him if he wanted to try some sort of fulfillment elsewhere but he was offended at the suggestion. He despised the idea of an open relationship, and I'm no fan of it either. But for peace of mind, I'm planning to have another test in December, which would be 3 months since our last sexual interaction.

    As our relationship progressed, he did start to lighten up about some of the gay aspect. I could get him to watch some quirky gay themed comedies, and he would find some enjoyment in them, which is something he wouldn't have dared to do at the start. But he constantly struggled with what his perception of what bottoming meant, and that's very unfortunate. I had excellent communication skills. I've always been very open about my concerns and feelings, either in dating or with friends. He was very closed with communication, and I often had to pry things out of him. He was one of those who would bottle things up and blow. I spent countless hours talking to him and writing him lengthy emails that he could refer back to in an attempt to understand what the issues were. He was very stubborn and simply refused to listen, always sticking to his misguided assumptions. When we finally split, there was no shouting or much discussion. I clearly and directly told him he had to leave and make no further contact with me because he refused to participate properly in our relationship, and that he had been warned numerous times of areas of concern he had to address with himself. But I can guarantee you that he is sitting at home feeling like the victim. He was one of those who always felt he was. I think had he been out a few more years before we met, he may have learned enough to have helped things work out. Maybe he will get lucky in the future.

    You sound really patronizing.