Sleeplessness and Grief

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    Oct 22, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    Hi guys
    I realised why I'm not sleeping. I'm still feeling really upset about my mums death almost 2 years ago, my brothers "fuck you " attitude and in less than a month, is when my mum actually had the stroke( a week later she died). So I'm feeling a bit upset and angry .

    My brother has been an asshole to me ( both of them actually) and when I graciously wished him happy birthday he replied that he was moving back to the UK and " it would be useful if I could help him with luggage". He hadn't even spoken to me for almost a year and a half, and I initiated every greeting and he treats me like this.

    I'm furious still and angry. My bf was horrified when I read him the email and thought he was an asshole. I'm still really hurt and not sleeping icon_sad.gif

    Any ways I can sort my sleeping issues?
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    Basically - I'm not good enough for him to have a relationship with as his brother but I'm good enough to carry his bags. He didn't even tell me that he's had a second child. I'm aware that real family is the family we make for ourselves but it still fucking hurts.
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    I'm really sorry to hear that icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 23, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    Sorry for your loss and for your brother's heartless behavior. I'm glad you have your bf's support and love, and that the rj forum site gives you a chance to express some of what you're feeling. Take care and I hope tomorrow's a better day for you.

    Cheers,
    David
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    Oct 23, 2013 2:08 AM GMT
    You cannot control what others do, you can only change how you react to them. So, cherish your friends and to hell with the assholes. Life is short, you might as well enjoy yourself now. Oh, and exercise a lot, that definitely helps with depression. Good luck, and keep coming here for support.
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    Oct 23, 2013 5:08 AM GMT
    Sounds like you've got what some xfriends inflicted upon me while I was mourning the deaths of my loved ones. They nearly destroyed me. I am scarred for life and still in repairs.

    Study the topic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betrayal#Betrayal_trauma

    Google other sources on it. There isn't much yet. I think we'll find more in the future.

    It is thought to be not unlike http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder when a soldier, for instance, gets hit by friendly fire, as that is also a betrayal. The mechanisms seem similar if not identical.

    Betrayal isn't discussed much in modern society and so I mention it at every opportunity because I think we need to be more aware of what we are doing. It's super powerful in its effects on us and our world is saturated in it. I'd go as far as to say most breaks of social contracts can be looked at through the lens of betrayal, from child abuse to divorce even to some degree death, though that last one is actually written in the contract, only in fine print.

    People are quick to dismiss it, perhaps because it is so rampant, but just as a local example of how powerful is betrayal, look at what some petty betrayal, the break of a cyber social contract did to this forum when one of the more popular posters was found out to be a fraud. As if there aren't still fraudulent posters on here, toying with decent folk. Such a shame that the administration lets them make mockery of this website's supposed ignore click. I'm pretty sure 25% of the guys I've clicked onto ignore are one in the same.

    But I digress. Essentially you experienced a serious break of a social contract (not only not getting the support from loved ones during mourning but just the opposite) while you were already traumatized by the death. Undergoing trauma when you got hit with trauma. Had I not experienced that I'd have had trouble believing how damaging it can be. It's pretty serious and you need to put in effort to fix it as best you can. It wasn't until I started to think in terms of betrayal trauma that I started finding some relief, through understanding what my douchebag xfriends had done to me.

    As to sleeplessness and grief, that sounds like the stress caused by the trauma. Most people think of stress as something hyper and strung out but depression and grief are also stressful. And then of course the sleeplessness taps even more energy so you wind up in that cycle. Routine is probably helpful in this. And you might consider therapy with someone who can prescribe sleeping pills just to get you back on track.

    As to you brother's luggage comment. That could have been him purposely being demeaning or it could have been unconscious posturing. People do that shit to each other all the time. I do not like it. The latest trend of it that I've noticed is someone saying on a cell phone something like: okay, well, I'm at my destination now, thanks for talking to me on my drive here. I have to go now and do something more important than talk to you.

    People can be such assholes.
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    Oct 23, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    your brothers are assholes. oh and sorry about your mother. This will pass dnt worry
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    Oct 23, 2013 6:05 PM GMT
    blactor saidBasically - I'm not good enough for him to have a relationship with as his brother but I'm good enough to carry his bags. He didn't even tell me that he's had a second child. I'm aware that real family is the family we make for ourselves but it still fucking hurts.



    You said it yourself right here. A brilliant priest once advised me at a time when I was dealing with a very similar situation (with a rotten brother). The priest said, "Forgive him, for he knows not - what he's done........yet ye need NOT have anything further do to with him. Let him go."

    Great advice. Forgive him (because he's basically a sick person - one who doesn't even realize how awful he's being) but let him go and don't have anything further to do with him. Hopefully this advice will help you sleep better and move forward & have a great life while fondly remembering your Mom and the good times you shared with her.
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    Oct 23, 2013 7:31 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidlet him go and don't have anything further to do with him.

    Exactly. Remember the saying, "You can choose your friends but not your family." Just because someone's family doesn't mean you have to suffer from their mental abuse. You are your own person.
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    Oct 26, 2013 6:12 PM GMT
    Thank you guys.

    What's really helpful is the way you guys have had exactly the same response as my boyfriend about my brother. I've had to decide that even though I would love to have a relationship with him, it hurts me too much.

    He sent a very destructive email to me after my mums death and despite a mistake I had made that I apologised for , he was brutal and nasty . We have all come from an abuse background and I'm the only one who has actually been to therapy. I've owned my stuff but he blames me for stuff and had always treated me like shit. One of his ex girlfriends I still am in contact with and she said that it's not my fault if my brother is a dickhead.

    My other brother sent my mother a letter saying he always had Hated her. He didn't come to the funeral and spent most of last year being vicious and brutal to me. It's awful because I know it is grief related but I don't wish to me constantly abused.

    I genuinely think both of my brothers are borderline or maybe the one is sociopathic . Because I had therapy I am functional and my therapist said I was lucky not to have developed a personality disorder .

    Thing is - my brothers either flip from kind to contemptuous in minutes depending. Like my dad did - who was borderline personality disordered.