Wanna keep a guy? Treat him like shit.

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    Oct 22, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    I hate to sound cynical but this is something I've learned to be true. Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more. Not sure exactly what that means. I'm sure it's not everyone's experience. Surely there are people on here who will counter with their holier than thou love shit and the merits of being a good guy but that's not been my life. Discuss.
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:44 PM GMT
    No. It just means you seek/date guys that are insecure. Happens in the straight world too.
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    My aunt used to say people gravitate towards those who treat them badly. There's something about the chase that is appealing to some folks.
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:52 PM GMT
    FloridaCarFan saidI hate to sound cynical but this is something I've learned to be true. Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more. Not sure exactly what that means. I'm sure it's not everyone's experience. Surely there are people on here who will counter with their holier than thou love shit and the merits of being a good guy but that's not been my life. Discuss.

    It may be due to a number of factors such as your sample of guys thus far from the world population of available gay men, local culture, your geographic location (already implied by the first two points). Based on what I've bolded it sounds like you've already made your mind up, so anything we have to say is not going to be particularly helpful to you...
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    Oct 22, 2013 8:55 PM GMT
    good =/= clingy

    You can be confident enough in what you have to offer that you can tell people to take it or leave it. That is very attractive to a guy.
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    Oct 22, 2013 9:41 PM GMT
    FloridaCarFan saidI hate to sound cynical but this is something I've learned to be true. Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more. Not sure exactly what that means. I'm sure it's not everyone's experience. Surely there are people on here who will counter with their holier than thou love shit and the merits of being a good guy but that's not been my life. Discuss.


    When did you decide to stop treating people like shit?

    Most of the people in my life have been very nice. Treated me really well. I did have a few who treated me like shit but I figured they had issues and that I could help them with that. They had some good qualities too and I thought they'd eventually figure it out.

    One in particular was my douchebag xcousin, the fuckhead. I often said to my other friends that there's no one else in the world who I would take that shit from. But our parents raised us together and so I grew up to love her. It is a love I now despise.

    I even remember towards the end of my last bud's life, complaining to him that she was at it again. I recall him saying to me, you've been saying the same thing about her since we first met. I put up with her shit as an adult for 30 years. Holier than thou? I am a fucking saint, you asshole.

    By your declaration that there is no merit in "being a good guy", you make it sound pretty natural for you to threat people like shit, so let me propose another perspective for you.

    Just maybe the people coming back for more of your shit weren't coming back for shit but to give you a chance for grace, that you should learn to stop treating people like shit. And just maybe the people who you suggest you treated well fled because they could see through your shit.

    https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=226161747414537





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    Oct 22, 2013 9:52 PM GMT
    A good man doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, especially if that's your way of keeping him. The smart men, would always walk away from relationships like that.
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    Oct 22, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    It takes 2 to tango. What does it take? ... Not always the same thing: some kinds of compatibility, mutual interest, or opposite attracts, or even co-dependency to keep the other around. Treating another guy like shit for him to come back means there is some other issues beyond the 'shit' aspect. Take it apart, there is something there.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 22, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    The one's you truely loved ... just didn't love you ... And the one's that loved you, you didn't love them .... if you ever find some one that loves you, that you also love, I would advise you don't treat them like shit or you will loose them.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Oct 22, 2013 10:14 PM GMT
    I'v found that to be true on occation but not often...
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    Oct 22, 2013 10:17 PM GMT
    In the end you get what you give out. It took me a long time to realise this.
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    Oct 22, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    FloridaCarFan saidI hate to sound cynical but this is something I've learned to be true. Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more. Not sure exactly what that means. I'm sure it's not everyone's experience. Surely there are people on here who will counter with their holier than thou love shit and the merits of being a good guy but that's not been my life. Discuss.


    When did you decide to stop treating people like shit?

    Most of the people in my life have been very nice. Treated me really well. I did have a few who treated me like shit but I figured they had issues and that I could help them with that. They had some good qualities too and I thought they'd eventually figure it out.

    One in particular was my douchebag xcousin, the fuckhead. I often said to my other friends that there's no one else in the world who I would take that shit from. But our parents raised us together and so I grew up to love her. It is a love I now despise.

    I even remember towards the end of my last bud's life, complaining to him that she was at it again. I recall him saying to me, you've been saying the same thing about her since we first met. I put up with her shit as an adult for 30 years. Holier than thou? I am a fucking saint, you asshole.

    By your declaration that there is no merit in "being a good guy", you make it sound pretty natural for you to threat people like shit, so let me propose another perspective for you.

    Just maybe the people coming back for more of your shit weren't coming back for shit but to give you a chance for grace, that you should learn to stop treating people like shit. And just maybe the people who you suggest you treated well fled because they could see through your shit.

    https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=226161747414537







    wow....lol...love it when I strike a nerve...I should become a troll....but it's way too easy to rustle feathers here. All I was trying to say is that I've noticed that when I am truly in love and share everything...all I have...money, love, resources...affection...that's what drives guys away. Prolly something about me...yeah...I guess I am an asshole... go ahead...stomp me some more you fucking dick!
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    Oct 22, 2013 10:22 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidThe one's you truely loved ... just didn't love you ... And the one's that loved you, you didn't love them .... if you ever find some one that loves you, that you also love, I would advise you don't treat them like shit or you will loose them.


    Thanks...I guess I never have had that...lucky you..maybe some day I will.
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    Oct 22, 2013 10:31 PM GMT
    Ohno saidgood =/= clingy

    You can be confident enough in what you have to offer that you can tell people to take it or leave it. That is very attractive to a guy.

    ...
    I think you have figured it out... great advice and thank you for posting. I think the take it or leave it must be what most of the men have liked about me. Hard to treat guys that way when you are truly smitten. I saw a movie once where a man described every relationship.... "the love-er and the be-loved" He said...always better to be the be-loved...a lot less complicated. I have a best friend who disputes my rants on this particular fact of life. He loves his boyfriend of 15 years.... I like him too...but it kills me to see him treated like shit and back down from every argument they have... he is the love-er...not the "be-loved"
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    Oct 22, 2013 11:31 PM GMT
    FloridaCarFan said...All I was trying to say is that I've noticed that when I am truly in love and share everything...all I have...money, love, resources...affection...that's what drives guys away. Prolly something about me...yeah...I guess I am an asshole... go ahead...stomp me some more you fucking dick!


    That must be you being holier than thou.

    Someone who treats people like shit as you have already announced you do in saying that "the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more", indicating ongoing poor treatment, perhaps is not treating someone as earnestly well when they think they are, because if you were being kindly, consistently, you would clearly state you are not interested instead of allowing them to come back for more. It would not become an ongoing abusive relationship.

    So if the kindness is merely convenient, then just maybe the other guy picks up on that when you are being kind. Could also be esteem issues on the other guy involved, or by both as it could be you seeking that out or it certainly seems that you don't like the guys who like you. What does that say? Not everyone is like this.

    I've not had people in my life who I continually treated badly because I simply don't do that and if you think that's holier than thou, you're being an idiot.

    I have had such experiences as I noted of people treating me badly, but I rarely allowed that, I was aware of it at the time and it was by damaged people who eventually crossed a line beyond return.

    My pointing out that you seem to be kidding yourself is not me being a dick. Now go let somebody love you.

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    Oct 22, 2013 11:35 PM GMT


    For more information, see:

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    Oct 23, 2013 12:42 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    FloridaCarFan said...All I was trying to say is that I've noticed that when I am truly in love and share everything...all I have...money, love, resources...affection...that's what drives guys away. Prolly something about me...yeah...I guess I am an asshole... go ahead...stomp me some more you fucking dick!



    My pointing out that you seem to be kidding yourself is not me being a dick. Now go let somebody love you.



    Well at least you ended your rant with something sweet. Sounds like an Eagle's tune....Desperado?
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    Oct 23, 2013 12:50 AM GMT
    I once loved a man. Gave him my world.but it wasn't enough.. so I adopted the playboy lifestyle and treated guys like shit..yes they seemed to love. Me more..but I wasn't really interested in anything besides how many guys would give up the ass that day..I'm back to being serious now about dating but remember your ghosts will come back to haunt you
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    Oct 23, 2013 1:02 AM GMT
    I was just kidding about guys not being interested in me.. I mean not to toot my own horn.. but I'm kinda a big deal
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Oct 23, 2013 6:18 AM GMT
    FloridaCarFan said
    theantijock said
    FloridaCarFan said

    I've noticed that when I am truly in love and share everything...all I have...money, love, resources...affection...that's what drives guys away. Prolly something about me...yeah...I guess I am an asshole... go ahead...stomp me some more you fucking dick!


    I believe the term is called the "balance of indebtedness" . Basically, if all you do is give to one person they will ultimately harbor resentment for you.

    I think if your aim is just to get ass, treating people like shit is a great strategy.

    I think if your aim is mutual happiness both strategies are doomed to failure.
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    Oct 23, 2013 6:58 AM GMT
    killercliche saidI believe the term is called the "balance of indebtedness" . Basically, if all you do is give to one person they will ultimately harbor resentment for you.

    I think if your aim is just to get ass, treating people like shit is a great strategy.

    I think if your aim is mutual happiness both strategies are doomed to failure.


    Interesting application of the term, particularly in regard to the OP's statement: "when I am truly in love and share everything...all I have...(my) money, (my) love, (my)resources...(my)affection...that's what drives guys away."

    And then that being amplified by his previous statement that "Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more"...

    Because what that adds up to is that he's giving his material this and material that only to those who also accept his loving them, but he is not giving his material this and material that to those who love him. To them, he offers only indifference.

    If one person has a lot more resources than the other, why would that prevent two people from loving each other? It wouldn't as there needn't be resentment.

    Resentment doesn't arise out of generosity. Rather, generosity is not just about giving, it is about letting someone also give to you. Nothing material even, just love.

    You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

    And PS If you use sex to manipulate someone, or use the tease of a relationship to manipulate your way into sex, that's treating like shit. Otherwise two people mutually enjoying sex is not two people treating each other like shit. That's just two people having fun.
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    Oct 23, 2013 2:13 PM GMT
    Insecurity in our culture seems to be a common theme, so it's probably really easy to treat a guy like shit and have them come back for more. But I guess it's all about how you measure your relationship success. You could do that, but the relationship probably won't last very long (unless it's dominating/abusive). I believe the only way to have genuine lasting relationship is to have mutual respect.

    Now, if I can only find a guy who doesn't think this way. OP, you are the guy who (metaphorically) I had a relationship with for a month before I called his bluff. I'm the guy who breaks that expectation you've set because you have one time to mistreat me and that's it.
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    Oct 23, 2013 2:43 PM GMT
    FloridaCarFan saidI hate to sound cynical but this is something I've learned to be true. Every guy I've ever truly loved has run away from me and all the ones I act indifferent towards have kept coming back for more. Not sure exactly what that means. I'm sure it's not everyone's experience. Surely there are people on here who will counter with their holier than thou love shit and the merits of being a good guy but that's not been my life. Discuss.


    Common sense would indicate that people like to be treated well and if they are halfway sane and emotionally mature they will treat you well and with respect.
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    Oct 23, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    shame, some boy fucked with your heart eeey, but the bigger shame is u taking it out on somebody else.

    This is not gonna take u anywhere. Trust