Is (lack of) sex a reason to end a relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    I've been dating a guy for over a year and a half now. He is practically perfect for me (he's very funny, very smart, very compassionate, very masculine, has a very sexy face, and we have basically all the same interests in movies/books/videogames).

    But he's not into fitness. He claimed he was when we first started dating, he said he was finally going to use his gym membership and start working out again, with my help. I was basically his personal trainer for a few months, but then he just stopped going.

    Which is frustrating because I made it pretty clear that as superficial as it might be, fitness is extremely important to me.

    The truth is... I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all when we first met because of the fitness factor (he's not fat, just "skinny chubby") but because he went on and on about how excited he was to get fit, I convinced myself for focus on all of his other awesome qualities.

    But now that he's completely disinterested in fitness (which I brought up and he's confirmed) it has basically killed my sexual desire for him. I still like him a lot and stuff, what little interest I had in him sexually was smothered when he said that, yeah, he had no intention of lifting any more.

    And yet I still went through with sex stuff for months, which grew more and more infrequent, but I wasn't complaining because I didn't want to with him at all.

    But I finally realized recently: holy crap, we haven't done anything sexual for over three months. We're young attractive guys, what the fuck? So I confronted him about it. He says that he has zero interest in anything sexual with anyone and that this has been the case for over four months. We talked about it and the fact that it sounded like depression, so he's started seeing a therapist. But still has no sex drive.

    To complicate maters, I met up with an acquaintance to work on a project, and there was chemistry. But I thought nothing of it because we were basically just business colleagues working on a project. But then we decided to hang out, and went to see a movie, got some drinks, and as I was walking him home, we kissed. And I realized from that one kiss (and how wonderful it was) that I have NEVER enjoyed kissing my boyfriend, that it's always felt like an uncomfortable chore rather than something I actually wanted to do. Which is, of course, because I'm not sexually attracted to him.

    And in case you're curious: no, the acquaintance and I have not had sex. I wouldn't cheat on this boyfriend, he's too awesome of a person to do that to. But I am thinking of breaking up with him. I just wonder if breaking up with him will be worth it; I can't imagine ever finding someone I mesh with so perfectly (except sexually) and it seems a waste to end it over sex.

    Oh, and sex: the boyfriend now tells me that the reason why we've never done anal is because he thinks it's gross... something I wish he would have told me when we first started dating or before. :/

    So what should I do?

    tl;dr version: My boyfriend is basically perfect, but he has no sex drive and I've never been attracted to him sexually anyway; should I break up?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 25, 2013 10:41 PM GMT
    Try to find a compromise. He agrees to workout every day, and you (fill in the blank)...
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    Oct 25, 2013 10:48 PM GMT
    I guess I didn't make that very clear: he has said that he will absolutely not lift anymore. He doesn't enjoy, and doesn't care about it. He still will jog occasionally, though, supposedly.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Oct 25, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    Just ended a 8 day bust a nut famine...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    A psychologist once told me that being in a relationship or getting married is for the purpose of companionship. If that isn't there in some form of intimacy then it doesn't make any sense to be together unless there are kids to keep them together.

    He was also mainly referring to men that marry women because they don't want to be found out being gay or bi. That probably made sure that I didn't ever get married.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2013 12:40 AM GMT
    Sex is just one part of a relationship, and in my opinion not the most important part. May be your bf is a great guy, but from your post, I feel that you are not really into him. And if you are not into him then you are not into him.
    If you were in your 30s I would have advised differently, but you are only 26, you are quite young, you are allowed to live a little and search a little more.
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    Oct 26, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    It sounds like the relationship has run its course...and is becoming more of a friendship. There's nothing wrong with wanting more and if you don't satisfy those needs or find some compromise, you might both grow resentful with time.
    Hope you have an honest discussion with him,..see if a compromise can be met or at least salvage a friendship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2013 3:59 AM GMT
    If you're truly not into the guy, then it's best to end it for both your sakes.

    Do note though - if being into fitness is a dealbreaker, that could be challenging in the long run. You may miss out on a lot of great guys that way, and the guys you do date may go through phases where they lose interest in fitness, or where life gets in the way of a regular routine.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2013 4:05 AM GMT
    Basically, it seems to me like
    Your mind says: sex!
    Your soul says: Love!
    To whom you should listen to is the question you have to ask yourself.
    Hint: It's not the mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2013 4:16 AM GMT
    sexual incapability is just that. Too bad you (both) weren't able to articulate that earlier. Im sure you will both survive. icon_wink.gif
    At this point of my life, sex is a big part of a relationship. I have to be into you, and vis-versa.
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    Oct 26, 2013 4:21 AM GMT
    You never said that you love him or that breaking up would be a heartbreak. Given that, and that the sex is nil, I think that what you have is a very good friendship. I agree with the others that it's time to move on. But I also think it would be unfortunate to lose his friendship given that the two of you are so emotionally and intellectually compatible. Keep that in mind and try to see if you can maintain your friendship while accepting that the boyfriend part is unrealistic.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Oct 26, 2013 4:22 AM GMT
    Unless you are decrepid being a cum dump is part of the job as boyfriend. Fire him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    If you don't have any romantic feelings toward this guy, then you are right to think about breaking up. Most likely, you have platonic feelings toward him. You said "He is practically perfect for me (he's very funny, very smart, very compassionate, very masculine, has a very sexy face, and we have basically all the same interests in movies/books/videogames)".

    You are also saying in the same sentence that he "has a very sexy face". Yet, you "have NEVER enjoyed kissing [your] boyfriend". It seems you are not romantically/sexually into him, although he seems to be handsome to you.

    One sentence made me think about attachment/affection. You are saying: "I can't imagine ever finding someone I mesh with so perfectly (except sexually) and it seems a waste to end it over sex". It might be very difficult to distinguish an attachment/affection from loving someone. Affection/attachment is about liking someone, being loyal to, etc.
    It is up to you to decide what is love and how it is different from affection/attachment.

    Nevertheless, you will never meet exactly the same guy. You will meet others, individual as they are.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 26, 2013 6:04 PM GMT
    danlport saidI guess I didn't make that very clear: he has said that he will absolutely not lift anymore. He doesn't enjoy, and doesn't care about it. He still will jog occasionally, though, supposedly.


    Sounds like he doesn't care enough about you (or himself) to get off his ass and be all he can be...

    Sad thing is, he'll probably start working out after you dump him.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Oct 27, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    Anybody that deals with a fantasy of a strong man with muscles is superficial.. Sad to say most gay men who go to the gym, go to the gym to "ONLY" better their appearance to lure guys.. And not the fact to work out because they enjoy it or for any other reasons.. If you notice, most of them will not even turn their heads and look at you or even acknowledge you are even present unless they see bulging muscles.. I think most men have a fantasy of being with some big muscle man who can lift them off the ground.. Personally I could find a guy attractive that has an average body, and have many other features that are attractive.. It depends on the person I guess.. Seems like the relationship has turned into a friendship, and maybe you should bring it to his attention that you both should end the relationship and still be friends.. I've seen ex bfs still being friends and even still living together... If you're not sexually into the person, it's just not going to work, and He doesn't even have a sex drive right now.. I don't even think his feelings won't even be hurt...
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 27, 2013 12:53 AM GMT
    mrsmithers saidAnybody that deals with a fantasy of a strong man with muscles is superficial.. Sad to say most gay men who go to the gym, go to the gym to "ONLY" better their appearance to lure guys.. And not the fact to work out because they enjoy it or for any other reasons.. If you notice, most of them will not even turn their heads and look at you or even acknowledge you are even present unless they see bulging muscles.. I think most men have a fantasy of being with some big muscle man who can lift them off the ground.. Personally I could find a guy attractive that has an average body, and have many other features that are attractive.. It depends on the person I guess.. Seems like the relationship has turned into a friendship, and maybe you should bring it to his attention that you both should end the relationship and still be friends.. I've seen ex bfs still being friends and even still living together... If you're not sexually into the person, it's just not going to work, and He doesn't even have a sex drive right now.. I don't even think his feelings won't even be hurt...

    Why is being attracted athletic guys superficial? You could just as easily say not being athletic is lazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2013 1:03 AM GMT
    You can't change people. Dump him and find a shallow muscle head who will bang your giant falsely ego inflated empty head until you sleep for days.
  • HottJoe

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    Oct 27, 2013 1:09 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidYou can't change people. Dump him and find a shallow muscle head who will bang your giant inflated empty head until you sleep for days.

    You really think his current bf is deeper?
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Oct 27, 2013 1:09 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    mrsmithers saidAnybody that deals with a fantasy of a strong man with muscles is superficial.. Sad to say most gay men who go to the gym, go to the gym to "ONLY" better their appearance to lure guys.. And not the fact to work out because they enjoy it or for any other reasons.. If you notice, most of them will not even turn their heads and look at you or even acknowledge you are even present unless they see bulging muscles.. I think most men have a fantasy of being with some big muscle man who can lift them off the ground.. Personally I could find a guy attractive that has an average body, and have many other features that are attractive.. It depends on the person I guess.. Seems like the relationship has turned into a friendship, and maybe you should bring it to his attention that you both should end the relationship and still be friends.. I've seen ex bfs still being friends and even still living together... If you're not sexually into the person, it's just not going to work, and He doesn't even have a sex drive right now.. I don't even think his feelings won't even be hurt...

    Why is being attracted athletic guys superficial? You could just as easily say not being athletic is lazy.


    It's not hard to figure that one out.. You can be not lazy and not be athletic at the same time.. I understand the approach and how laziness is a turnoff..
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 27, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    mrsmithers said
    HottJoe said
    mrsmithers saidAnybody that deals with a fantasy of a strong man with muscles is superficial.. Sad to say most gay men who go to the gym, go to the gym to "ONLY" better their appearance to lure guys.. And not the fact to work out because they enjoy it or for any other reasons.. If you notice, most of them will not even turn their heads and look at you or even acknowledge you are even present unless they see bulging muscles.. I think most men have a fantasy of being with some big muscle man who can lift them off the ground.. Personally I could find a guy attractive that has an average body, and have many other features that are attractive.. It depends on the person I guess.. Seems like the relationship has turned into a friendship, and maybe you should bring it to his attention that you both should end the relationship and still be friends.. I've seen ex bfs still being friends and even still living together... If you're not sexually into the person, it's just not going to work, and He doesn't even have a sex drive right now.. I don't even think his feelings won't even be hurt...

    Why is being attracted athletic guys superficial? You could just as easily say not being athletic is lazy.


    It's not hard to figure that one out.. You can be not lazy and not be athletic at the same time.. I understand the approach and how laziness is a turnoff..

    He's not asking his bf to play sports or compete athletically. He's asking him to get in shape in an effort to add the spark to their relationship. I think it's worth the effort to have a satisfying sex life with your partner.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Oct 27, 2013 1:39 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    mrsmithers said
    HottJoe said
    mrsmithers saidAnybody that deals with a fantasy of a strong man with muscles is superficial.. Sad to say most gay men who go to the gym, go to the gym to "ONLY" better their appearance to lure guys.. And not the fact to work out because they enjoy it or for any other reasons.. If you notice, most of them will not even turn their heads and look at you or even acknowledge you are even present unless they see bulging muscles.. I think most men have a fantasy of being with some big muscle man who can lift them off the ground.. Personally I could find a guy attractive that has an average body, and have many other features that are attractive.. It depends on the person I guess.. Seems like the relationship has turned into a friendship, and maybe you should bring it to his attention that you both should end the relationship and still be friends.. I've seen ex bfs still being friends and even still living together... If you're not sexually into the person, it's just not going to work, and He doesn't even have a sex drive right now.. I don't even think his feelings won't even be hurt...

    Why is being attracted athletic guys superficial? You could just as easily say not being athletic is lazy.


    It's not hard to figure that one out.. You can be not lazy and not be athletic at the same time.. I understand the approach and how laziness is a turnoff..

    He's not asking his bf to play sports or compete athletically. He's asking him to get in shape in an effort to add the spark to their relationship. I think it's worth the effort to have a satisfying sex life with your partner.



    I wasn't referring that directly towards him.. I mentioned it because it was brought up in the thread.. I don't know what the other person even looks like, but if he was totally out of shape and didn't want to do anything out it, I'd end it.. I agree 100%
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2013 6:51 AM GMT
    I've been in 2 sexless relationships..1 was o ltr that just died out and the other we couldn't compromise enough for each other to hage sex a lot.. needless to say that killed our relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    Well now that I am single again I am going to be honest with you. Dating a guy like you s literally one of my biggest fears about loosing weight.

    Its obviously you to aren't meant to be lovers. You want anal with a guy you find sexually attractive. He finds anal disgusting, and has no desire to be who you want him to be. I think the best thing is to become friends which is pretty much what you guys sound like right now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2013 7:10 PM GMT
    Thanks for the (mostly) thoughtful advice guys. Reading these responses has helped me realize that I really do need to break up with him. Which sucks because he's awesome and definitely a catch. Just not a catch for me. And it's going to majorly suck because the last thing in the world I would ever want to do would be to hurt him. So I'm going to have to figure out a way to do this with the least amount of potential hurt. Any suggestions?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2013 7:57 PM GMT
    I would do it as soon as possible and be honest. It definitely won't be what he wants to hear but I believe honest is the fast route to closure. You don't seem like a bad guy. You seem misguided. I hope you have learned not to date someone for what they will be but for who they are because ultimately all you really had was who he was. It wasn't fair of you to go into the relationship expecting him to change to fit your needs when he is perfect as he is. I hope you to can become friends at some point because you seem to really respect and admire him. I definitely think he would be much better off finding a boyfriend who wanted to stick one of his big well developed muscle up his poop shoot.

    If he gets upset show him a fisting film and tell him you were thinking of doing that with him. He will probably gladly let you go then. Please do it in person. There is nothing worse than being broken up with via text, email, facebook, phone, or skype. No one wants the NSA to have records of their breakup.