Could this be a problem? I don't want to be a bug...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2008 10:53 AM GMT
    I'm in a great close to 3 year long relationship. Everything is going fine and we're even talking about moving in together. but there is just one problem.... I have this thing were I tend to get a little jealous when he'd want to spend time with his friends. Well not his friends really because I don't have a problem when he hangs out with his friend that we went to high school with (I don't know him really). The people that I'm jealous about are the people that he wants to meet offline.

    He's got a great since of perception meaning he won't just meet up with anyone. only the people that he's known for a while (i figure a few months). They always have a lot in common like anime and Heroes(the show) and things like that. I know that nothings going to happen like cheating, but I still get this since worry. I don't know if it's jealousy or me just worry about him.

    what do you guys think? do you think this will become a problem? This doesn't happen often; it's rare, but it does happen. i think he's done this about twice since August. I don't want this to become a problem or anything. And I don't feel like I have the right to say anything because it's just him wanting to make friends that are into the same thing that he is. And I've talked to him about it before and he told me that he doesn't like having a lot of gay friends because he doesn't want anyone hitting on him (thus losing a friend). I believe that one of the two people that he's met is gay and he's the person that he talks to about our relationship and other things. I can trust Sai (my boyfriend's nickname) and the people that he chooses to befriend because he makes sure they understand he's in a relationship. So where does this feeling come from?
  • Sayrnas

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    Nov 30, 2008 4:24 PM GMT
    It's a natural feeling...from the brain and from the heart.


    Fear. Fear is a natural emotion and you'll need to accept it. (yes jealously=fear in my head...)

    The remedy...trust.
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    Nov 30, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    You are in control here. If you let your jealously get out of control it will destroy the relationship. You have to develop a trust and learn to master your fears. There are a couple of things you could do that would help. Ask him about his evenings with the friends and let him talk about his passion. You're not asking him because you are suspicious but rather to take in interest in his passion. Even if his hobbies don't interest you, you can still enjoy the excitement he feels when he talks about it. You could also learn something interesting. Hobbies are too healthy to kill.

    You may also miss him when he spends times with the friends. Here you need to develop a bit of independence. There must be things you would like to do when he is not around. (read a book, watch a movie, cook a good meal, work on the garden etc..) Any good relationship needs to offer alone time.
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    Nov 30, 2008 5:35 PM GMT


    Your profile says your relationship status is 'dating' not monogamous so we'll admit to a bit of confusion. Is your relationship an open one?
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    Nov 30, 2008 6:37 PM GMT
    of course it's not open. but we do share hobbies though. We're both into anime and games (i'm more games and he's more anime and comics). When he gets back he does tell me about his time with them and nearly in complete detail. after sleeping on it, i came to the conclusion that I feel that way because he doesn't really tell me enough about them. If I ask he'd normally say, "my friend off myself" and I'd have to specifically ask questions like, "how long you've own him","what do you have in common" and things like that. I believe it's just me worrying about him and maybe even missing him a little
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    Nov 30, 2008 6:39 PM GMT
    Yah, I don't think jealousy is ever a good thing. I've been there. I know that feeling. It's definitely about fear of losing that person and not being assured of your future. In the end, it's about trust. He could definitely be meeting for something more, but that's on him. Men are pigs and you just have shift through the pen to find the one that doesn't like to play in the mud. If he's the one, he wont hurt you. If he does, you'll find out.

    Men are ALWAYS found out. It's like being gay. You think people don't know, they ALWAYS find out. No matter how you play it, it's just not something you can hide. Use this opportunity to practice your trust skills. If he cheats on you, what can you do about it. Nothing you do will change the choice he makes in his life. All you can do is trust, and if he screws up don't take it personally. Understanding that is how you deal with the emotion of jealousy.
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    Nov 30, 2008 6:42 PM GMT


    No worries, just thought to ask, as dating can mean the status of your relationship or you're looking for dating.

    Does ""my friend off myself" mean a friend that's for him alone, or to share?

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    Nov 30, 2008 7:10 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    No worries, just thought to ask, as dating can mean the status of your relationship or you're looking for dating.

    Does ""my friend off myself" mean a friend that's for him alone, or to share?



    I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. But it's not like he wants to have friends that I don't know about or anything like that. Or I at least don't see it that way
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    Nov 30, 2008 8:45 PM GMT


    >WARNING : JADED POINT OF VIEW<
    If he wants to find people who like anime, there are conventions for that.
    If he wants to discuss Heros, there are chatrooms, blogs, and web pages specifically for that.
    However, visiting social networking sites to find "friends" RED FLAG!

    LOL, you should not only be jealous, but insulted. Granted, maybe he really just wants to find friends, but noone is that naive: he's not to think that "Heros" is the only thing they want to discuss and you're not to think "Heros" is the only thing they want to discuss.

    Mostly, meeting guys on the internet is for what it's for....good intentions don't change that. Watch him. I think it's more gutt instinct than jealousy, dear. Is your spider sense tingling, mine sure is.
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    Nov 30, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    umm, I'd take GuiltyGears advice with lots and lots of grains of salt, dear gawd man, that is jaded.

    anyway, jealousy for me, when I have felt it, has usually revolved around my fear that he'll find someone better then me..

    I resolved my problem by working out why I thought others would be better and what would really be going on, eventually, that fear dissolved and I've never felt jealous towards anyone ever again... its really quite nice
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    Nov 30, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said

    >WARNING : JADED POINT OF VIEW<
    If he wants to find people who like anime, there are conventions for that.
    If he wants to discuss Heros, there are chatrooms, blogs, and web pages specifically for that.
    However, visiting social networking sites to find "friends" RED FLAG!

    LOL, you should not only be jealous, but insulted. Granted, maybe he really just wants to find friends, but noone is that naive: he's not to think that "Heros" is the only thing they want to discuss and you're not to think "Heros" is the only thing they want to discuss.

    Mostly, meeting guys on the internet is for what it's for....good intentions don't change that. Watch him. I think it's more gutt instinct than jealousy, dear. Is your spider sense tingling, mine sure is.


    I can understand where you're coming from but he's never given me a reason not to trust him. And yes there are conventions but only 2 in our area that come once a year. He actually took me to my first convention. and as far as the chatrooms and other things you're talk about, he does do that. after a while he'd like to just meet the people that he talks to a lot. I believe it's only because he'd like to have friends that are into the same thing and not just me.

    Thank you for your word, but I kinda feel that your trying to give me reason not to trust him at all. I'll keep what you say in mind but if I dwell on that, I'm completely sure I'm become a problem
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    Nov 30, 2008 11:45 PM GMT
    Some people are very sociable and want to have lots of friends. Frankly they would do well to live in a dorm where all one has to do is walk down the hall and catch a friend who has the door open - walk in and start talking or playing videos or whatever.

    I'm like that, but I live isolated and it makes me feel like I need to constantly scramble to find people to hang out with. I try to enjoy quiet evenings at home, but I don't really. Couple that with fears and uncertainties about strangers and its just not easy to feel socially satisfied. Making an acquaintance with similar interests is easy, finding friends that have time for you are more difficult to develop.

    Historically, we always had tribes and social structures that encourages togetherness. "The American Dream" of everyone having their own home is a bit anti-social. The American Business Ethics of no sex at work and no family working together are additional ways that social well-being is stunted in favor of making the work-place devoid of emotion. "All relationships at work must be superficial so that they can be easily and painlessly severed as necessitated by business" - is the mindset of the modern manager.

    Small surprise that an estimated 1 in 4 Americans experience depression.

    Small surprise that some of the most popular tv shows are reality tv about large groups of people living together and interacting - on an island, in a bunker, or in a giant house.

    My point is that your friend needs friends. Or insular society doesn't really promote friendship. So where exactly is he suppose to find 8-10 or 15-20 decent friends he can identify with and be exited about interacting with, help in times of need, celebrate in times of joy, console in times of loss. We all need a tribe, a congregation, a club, something - does he have his?

    Maybe you should work with him to meet people and then they can be your friends too.

    Or would you rather lock your bf in a gilded cage and throw away the key.
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    Nov 30, 2008 11:57 PM GMT
    I'm sorry, but everyone was giving you the pretty side. I had to remind you that unseen by most, exist a darkside. I'm sure he's nice, but I've met many a man online too who loves anime and wants to talk about it, but also want to re-enact scenes from Wicked City with me.
    You're right, maybe I came on a bit strong. i suppose i'd never allow myself to fully trust a man. It is my belief that you can't fully trust anyone, lover be damned. I think a little distrust keeps the realationship a little lively too.
    ...........................................
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    Dec 01, 2008 2:40 AM GMT
    oh... eww lol
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    Dec 01, 2008 3:41 AM GMT


    meninlove said, "Does ""my friend off myself" mean a friend that's for him alone, or to share?"

    we're not trying to say anything except ask questions first...

    ..neither of us know what 'my friend off myself' means ( hey we be old guys!).

    I'm a writer and Bill's a gardener, so I hang out here more than him and with other artists, and he hangs out with neighbours and other gardeners etc at nurseries, etc. We invite each other to our 'events' and choice is ours whether to go or not. We've been together a long time, so insecurities or concern faded long ago. Yours will too.
    GuitlyGear makes some good points because you guys are a lot younger, for one thing, and the situation at hand depends entirely on how open your lines of communications are with each other.