I need advice about my good friends who are still friends with my ex.

  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Oct 30, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    Basically broke up with my ex at the end of April. Which we were both fine with, it was pretty much a mutual breakup. However I have found out later that he was cheating on me with another new friend in our group, and it was was more than just sex. This had been going on since February (I found out later).

    I did not find this out until the end of August and haven't talked to either my ex or the guy he is with now. I blocked them on facebook and my phone. I frankly don't care to see either of them again. However at mutual friends events I do have to run into them, I basically don't acknowledge them and they stand clear of me.

    I still get very upset that some of my friends are still good friends with my ex. I have never once said anything to my friends but I just feel hurt, and I don't want them choosing me over him ever or vice-versa.

    My best friends who is like a sister is also one of his best friends. This is probably the one that hurts the most. She has moved to another city so it really hasn't been that much of an issue. But it still hurts none the less to know she is going to events and such when she is in town with him.

    Do I say anything or do I just learn to live with it? - I have always wanted to say to her if the tables were turned and I became good friends with your boyfriend then you found out he was cheating on you, would you still be okay with me being his friend???
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 30, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidDo I say anything or do I just learn to live with it? - I have always wanted to say to her if the tables were turned and I became good friends with your boyfriend then you found out he was cheating on you, would you still be okay with me being his friend???

    Yeah, if you feel this strongly about it, feel it is going to affect your relationship with her, definitely tell her how you feel. How is she going to know you feel this way unless you tell her? Yes, we *assume* people know how we feel or they ought to know, but does she? Once said, the decision is in her court. At least you get to see and hear how she reacts to this information.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 30, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    First off, wow, so sorry this happened to you. But were you guys actually officially exclusive? If not, then unfortunately all is fair in love and war and unfortunately you were on the loosing side. If you two were an item, then he is a dog for not being up front with you. But you should take some comfort in that you dodged a bullet. What if you had stayed together and he just kept cheating on you on the sly. As for your friends, if they knew what was going on and didn't mention anything, then maybe they really are not your friends. If they don't know what happened, then maybe it is time you told them. Good friends are hard to come by and usually you really only get one, and they usually show their loyalty to the one they are truly friends with.
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    Oct 30, 2013 8:13 PM GMT
    You have to live with it, but by all means tell them how you feel. Just don't expect them to do anything about it, because it is an unreasonable thing to ask.
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Oct 30, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidFirst off, wow, so sorry this happened to you. But were you guys actually officially exclusive? If not, then unfortunately all is fair in love and war and unfortunately you were on the loosing side. If you two were an item, then he is a dog for not being up front with you. But you should take some comfort in that you dodged a bullet. What if you had stayed together and he just kept cheating on you on the sly. As for your friends, if they knew what was going on and didn't mention anything, then maybe they really are not your friends. If they don't know what happened, then maybe it is time you told them. Good friends are hard to come by and usually you really only get one, and they usually show their loyalty to the one they are truly friends with.


    Yes for over four years we were together (I came out to my family for the guy...who is still in the closet with his).

    I don't think most people knew there was cheating going on or didn't want to believe that there was, because the ex and his new boy said they didn't do anything until after the break up (end of April). Well my gut instinct said otherwise but I never really said anything. So everyone kind of just believed them. Until I was handed prove this past August, a picture from a charity gala we all attended where the two of them are holding hands under the table (well the picture is actually people taking pictures at the next table and it happen to catch the two holding hands).
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    Oct 30, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    I think you have to live with it. This was your relationship not hers. You have to deal with your feelings about him. She may not even know. If she does know i doubt she is talking about you in conversation. He is a friend of hers who hurt another friend of hers. That has to be awkward. At this point you are both her friends but friends who don't like each other because you have personal history.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 30, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidFirst off, wow, so sorry this happened to you. But were you guys actually officially exclusive? If not, then unfortunately all is fair in love and war and unfortunately you were on the loosing side. If you two were an item, then he is a dog for not being up front with you. But you should take some comfort in that you dodged a bullet. What if you had stayed together and he just kept cheating on you on the sly. As for your friends, if they knew what was going on and didn't mention anything, then maybe they really are not your friends. If they don't know what happened, then maybe it is time you told them. Good friends are hard to come by and usually you really only get one, and they usually show their loyalty to the one they are truly friends with.
    what kind of bs response is that. obviously they were exclusive or he would not have a problem with it. i swear i feel most times most gays are aways making excuses for people who do dumb shit.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 30, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    op, i think you have to remember that they were friends with you both. now if you knew them before you were with your ex than yes you may have a little room to be upset. however, if you met these people while dating your ex than you can not be upset. i think you have to suck it up and deal with it or fine new friends. i am sorry to hear that your ex cheated on you.
    i am sure you will find someone who is looking for the same things you want out of life and a partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    It really sucks that this happened to you...your ex sounds like a douche. By traditional bro code you would be totally right in expecting your friends to abandon ship in favour of you (so long as they got to know your ex as a result of the two of you being together, and not sometime before your relationship began).

    That said, by any reasonable standard (read: not bro code) it is completely unfair to put your friends in a situation where you force them to choose between people. Your friends have their own relationships with him, and to ask them to carry a third-party offense is immature. You say you don't want your friends choosing you over him or vice versa, so deep down you already know you shouldn't be doing this.

    The fact that it's almost November and the breakup happened way back in April says a lot. On the positive end, you seem to have avoided the drama train, which is quite commendable. That said, if these friends are truly your best friends, then you should be able to talk about anything with them, and it seems genuinely sad that 1) you haven't been able to broach the topic with them in all this time and 2) they haven't brought it up with you at all. Now that it's been so long since your breakup, bringing this up could come across as you being irrationally bitter towards them and could potentially damage your friendships. At this point you need to let it die. The best time to express this to your friends would have been in the first few months.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Oct 30, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    First off, I'm sorry - no one should ever cheat, just come clean and split amicably, but unfortunately, insensitive people perpetuate that. I think friends sometimes benefit from being able to fain neutrality. In the case of deceit and betrayal, I don't think neutrality is an option. You being innocent and him being the antagonist - remaining friends with him is condoning of what he did.

    However, real life is not a court of law and friends are justified in this neutrality, it is fair as a whole lot of variants go into a relationship and a break up. I know it feels like they should turn their back on the criminals, but as you can't, they can't avoid them. Save, seething hatred at them when they saw them, they'd be bound to engage them in basic conversation at some point.

    It's not fair, but because it's neutral - its not hate, nor is it taking sides. Neutrality isn't always fair, but not taking sides is right, unless one knows definitively what exactly happened, which is why you are more than above reproach for avoiding those creepers, but maybe you might consider forgiveness, neutrality, and dinner. Tell them it hurt, but you want to be friends and in doing so, you safe guard yourself from "judging" your friends, finding them guilty of betrayal, and losing all of them.

    You also get to be around to see whatever happens and being their friends, neutrally observe, but that's just a fringe benefit of doing the right thing and remaining friends.

  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    Oct 31, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    Unfortunately this sort of thing tends to happen a lot in our community. It does sound as if you are handling it very well. Try to move past this, are you dating anyone? I do not recommend you jump into a relationship just because your ex and a so called friend are in one. Remember if he cheated on you it's only a matter of time till he cheats again. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know this is hard but try not to make your friends take sides.
    I still run into my ex once in awhile. Like you I do not even acknowledge him. We were together for over 8 years and he left out of the blue. He told everyone that I had kicked him out. This of course was not true. I was ostracised for a short while till the truth came out and now he is the one everyone avoids. It is called payback. Your ex will get his.
  • pandx970

    Posts: 357

    Oct 31, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    I'm sorting through this myself with a break up that happened just about 2 months ago. I got dumped in that case, but generally, we all go through the grieving process no matter if we're dumped or if it's amicable. Being the dumper on the other hand, you grieve before the break-up and not as much after the break up it seems.

    What I rely on is, fundamentally, I do things to respect my ex and I've asked him to do the same. That is respect my wish that I don't want to communicate or talk with him, that feeling may never change. I don't have to like him, but I can give him respect by not lashing out at him in public or in situations where people who are not privy to the intricacies of our relationship are around.

    As for my friends, I have also asked my friends to do the same for me, that I don't really want to know anything about him so that I can spend time grieving and the like. I don't have the expectation that my friends who have a friendship with my ex will totally abandon him either, that'd just be inappropriate, but I would ask their favor in helping me not feel abandoned either. Sometimes, friendship grows because you ask for help and someone feels like they can help you out with being their to listen or just being "there".

    TL;DR: Respect your ex, ask your friends to respect your wishes whatever they may be. If they don't maybe you need to reconsider their friendship, you might be better off with someone who cannot manage to do that.
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    Oct 31, 2013 7:39 PM GMT
    Such a hard situation... Ive went through the same thing. I introduced my bf to all my friends and I was happy that they all got a long (required for any bf to stick around). my best friend (at that time, she's a stupid bitch now) got along way too well with him and they started to hang out all the time. I began feeling like I couldn't trust her with talking about problems about my bf because I felt like she would also tell him shit too. Long story short, we broke up for a bit and she made it hell. Always talking about the fun shit they did, I got sick of it and I ditched her as my friend... I blatantly asked her to not speak of him around me and that I was fine with them being friends but it just felt like she was trying to rub it in my face. Me and my bf got back together and lets just say that I expressed how I felt and the way she treated me (she did some fucked up shit not related to this) and now he doesn't really speak to her anymore. From then on, I have kept a bit of a distance between my bf and my friends.

    For your situation, I would tell your best friend. Even though morally and logically you don't have a right to tell her who she can be friends with, its also killing you inside to know and you won't be able to truly trust her as your best friend until that air is cleared. Most people would be understand in a situation like this. I think your plan is good, make her understand how you feel by asking her how she would feel if you were bff's with her ex.

    Good luck!!!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 31, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    I wouldn't value their friendship any more than they value yours, and they sound flakier than drandruff.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 31, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    k10malau saidSuch a hard situation... Ive went through the same thing. I introduced my bf to all my friends and I was happy that they all got a long (required for any bf to stick around). my best friend (at that time, she's a stupid bitch now) got along way too well with him and they started to hang out all the time. I began feeling like I couldn't trust her with talking about problems about my bf because I felt like she would also tell him shit too. Long story short, we broke up for a bit and she made it hell. Always talking about the fun shit they did, I got sick of it and I ditched her as my friend... I blatantly asked her to not speak of him around me and that I was fine with them being friends but it just felt like she was trying to rub it in my face. Me and my bf got back together and lets just say that I expressed how I felt and the way she treated me (she did some fucked up shit not related to this) and now he doesn't really speak to her anymore. From then on, I have kept a bit of a distance between my bf and my friends.

    For your situation, I would tell your best friend. Even though morally and logically you don't have a right to tell her who she can be friends with, its also killing you inside to know and you won't be able to truly trust her as your best friend until that air is cleared. Most people would be understand in a situation like this. I think your plan is good, make her understand how you feel by asking her how she would feel if you were bff's with her ex.

    Good luck!!!

    Wait. You need your friends' approval to date someone??? What self respecting guy wants to audition for your friends? I think that only works when you date skilled sociopaths who want everyone to like them.
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    Oct 31, 2013 8:25 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidI still get very upset that some of my friends are still good friends with my ex. I have never once said anything to my friends but I just feel hurt, and I don't want them choosing me over him ever or vice-versa.

    So you do want them to choose sides or you don't? It seems to me as you do, since you 'get very upset' and 'just feel hurt'. That tells me you definitely want them to choose your side, but the thing about that is, YOU don't get to pick who they're friends with.

    If they were friends with the two of you, why would you think they would (or should) dump him for your friendship? If you're that hurt or upset, go find new friends that don't know your ex. You're clearly not happy with these 'friends' and if you're that bitter (not that you weren't hurt in this) about how you were treated and you don't want to be constantly reminded of him (them), then start reaching out to others and less to these folks.

    Their friends, their choice. Your friends, your choice. Chose wisely but don't be bitter.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Oct 31, 2013 8:40 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidI still get very upset that some of my friends are still good friends with my ex. I have never once said anything to my friends but I just feel hurt, and I don't want them choosing me over him ever or vice-versa.

    My best friends who is like a sister is also one of his best friends. This is probably the one that hurts the most. She has moved to another city so it really hasn't been that much of an issue. But it still hurts none the less to know she is going to events and such when she is in town with him.

    I, also, will say - MAN, SORRY - HUGS. This sucks and nothing but moving on with life will make it any less hurtful.

    BUT . . .
    These two paragraphs seem contradictory to me, contradictory to the last phrase of the first of the two. You don't want them picking you over him or vice versa, but you're upset that they're still friends with him? Are you saying they're not still friends with you? I was reading it that they are but that they're also friends with him, but . . . ?

    Anyway, hope you move on, life is great for you without him (and he and his slut of a new boyfriend who participated in the cheating both develop ED! icon_lol.gif ).
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Oct 31, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    Daniepwils saidI still get very upset that some of my friends are still good friends with my ex. I have never once said anything to my friends but I just feel hurt, and I don't want them choosing me over him ever or vice-versa.

    So you do want them to choose sides or you don't? It seems to me as you do, since you 'get very upset' and 'just feel hurt'. That tells me you definitely want them to choose your side, but the thing about that is, YOU don't get to pick who they're friends with.

    If they were friends with the two of you, why would you think they would (or should) dump him for your friendship? If you're that hurt or upset, go find new friends that don't know your ex. You're clearly not happy with these 'friends' and if you're that bitter (not that you weren't hurt in this) about how you were treated and you don't want to be constantly reminded of him (them), then start reaching out to others and less to these folks.

    Their friends, their choice. Your friends, your choice. Chose wisely but don't be bitter.


    Not bitter at all, just frustrated and confused and its a tough spot to be in. I would never make them choose (which is why I have never said a word), but I just can't wrap my head around how someone could still be friends with someone who cheated on someone that they care about. I don't know, maybe when/if I am ever in that position of being the friend of a break up couple in this circumstance I will see it differently.

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    Oct 31, 2013 8:45 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    k10malau saidSuch a hard situation... Ive went through the same thing. I introduced my bf to all my friends and I was happy that they all got a long (required for any bf to stick around). my best friend (at that time, she's a stupid bitch now) got along way too well with him and they started to hang out all the time. I began feeling like I couldn't trust her with talking about problems about my bf because I felt like she would also tell him shit too. Long story short, we broke up for a bit and she made it hell. Always talking about the fun shit they did, I got sick of it and I ditched her as my friend... I blatantly asked her to not speak of him around me and that I was fine with them being friends but it just felt like she was trying to rub it in my face. Me and my bf got back together and lets just say that I expressed how I felt and the way she treated me (she did some fucked up shit not related to this) and now he doesn't really speak to her anymore. From then on, I have kept a bit of a distance between my bf and my friends.

    For your situation, I would tell your best friend. Even though morally and logically you don't have a right to tell her who she can be friends with, its also killing you inside to know and you won't be able to truly trust her as your best friend until that air is cleared. Most people would be understand in a situation like this. I think your plan is good, make her understand how you feel by asking her how she would feel if you were bff's with her ex.

    Good luck!!!

    Wait. You need your friends' approval to date someone??? What self respecting guy wants to audition for your friends? I think that only works when you date skilled sociopaths who want everyone to like them.


    If the friends like you they will ask the bf how you are, make you part of the group, generally make the relationship stronger. "Required" is a bit strong but it is definitely worth investing in.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 31, 2013 9:26 PM GMT
    taichiguy saidI think you have to live with it. This was your relationship not hers. You have to deal with your feelings about him. She may not even know. If she does know i doubt she is talking about you in conversation. He is a friend of hers who hurt another friend of hers. That has to be awkward. At this point you are both her friends but friends who don't like each other because you have personal history.



    Wise Words.
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    Oct 31, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidNot bitter at all, just frustrated and confused and its a tough spot to be in. I would never make them choose (which is why I have never said a word), but I just can't wrap my head around how someone could still be friends with someone who cheated on someone that they care about. I don't know, maybe when/if I am ever in that position of being the friend of a break up couple in this circumstance I will see it differently.

    I understand the confusion and the tough spot you're in and I would think that part of that pain is that you're continuing to grieve a major loss. I've been in the position your friends are in and it is very difficult NOT to pick sides or at least make it seem like you're not. One person in a relationship is generally always preferred, to each friend, then both of them. That makes it tough for the friend as they try to maintain both relationships because they care for both. The circumstances often are left neutralized to the friends, despite reasons, so that they aren't forced to choose one over the other.

    I have found that after a period of time, friends tend to follow one or the other of the couple. Some will always remain friends with both, some will cease relations with both of you but given time, I think you'll find those that would see you as a friend they prefer to associate with. Hang in there.
  • BillandChuck

    Posts: 2024

    Oct 31, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    Our advice? Move the f&%$ on and don't look back. As eb said, it appears your issue is more about grieving. Men aren't worth grief, though they sure give it plenty. And you certainly have friends who have friends you aren't fond of, so this isn't much different UNLESS you didn't mean as you wrote above that you don't want them to take sides. Move on. Look forward. And decide if you do or don't want your friends to take sides.

    Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, good luck!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Nov 01, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    Bro...Why would you put yourself in a situation where you'd be where your ex and his new bf are? I just don't get that. Second, when you see them, you act like they don't exist. You know what others think when they see this behavior? They believe you're still in love with your ex. Listen, you're hurt about this horrible incident..My advice? Distance yourself from ALL your friends, you need to go through the grieving process. You'll go through anger, sadness, etc..After you heal, stand back objectively and look at your friends and decide who your TRUE friends are..Then move on...That's all I got.
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    Nov 01, 2013 10:53 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    k10malau saidSuch a hard situation... Ive went through the same thing. I introduced my bf to all my friends and I was happy that they all got a long (required for any bf to stick around). my best friend (at that time, she's a stupid bitch now) got along way too well with him and they started to hang out all the time. I began feeling like I couldn't trust her with talking about problems about my bf because I felt like she would also tell him shit too. Long story short, we broke up for a bit and she made it hell. Always talking about the fun shit they did, I got sick of it and I ditched her as my friend... I blatantly asked her to not speak of him around me and that I was fine with them being friends but it just felt like she was trying to rub it in my face. Me and my bf got back together and lets just say that I expressed how I felt and the way she treated me (she did some fucked up shit not related to this) and now he doesn't really speak to her anymore. From then on, I have kept a bit of a distance between my bf and my friends.

    For your situation, I would tell your best friend. Even though morally and logically you don't have a right to tell her who she can be friends with, its also killing you inside to know and you won't be able to truly trust her as your best friend until that air is cleared. Most people would be understand in a situation like this. I think your plan is good, make her understand how you feel by asking her how she would feel if you were bff's with her ex.

    Good luck!!!

    Wait. You need your friends' approval to date someone??? What self respecting guy wants to audition for your friends? I think that only works when you date skilled sociopaths who want everyone to like them.



    I mean, I believe my friends opinions are really important. Im not really someone to consider a lot of people friends so I'm talking about like 3-4 people but yah.. I would listen to their opinions just like my families opinions too. The relationship would never work if my boyfriend and friends didn't get a long at least on a cordial fun level and it would just cause stress. But I've never had a problem with it... its not like my friends are judgmental ass holes. but helping to look out for me is why I appreciate them so much. I always make sure to try and have a good relationship with my bf's friends just so that he knows he can always bring me to places and be chill with his friends if he wants to.
    i think you're taking what i said to a huge extreme... wouldn't you want to make sure at least some of your friends liked your boyfriend... and if they didn't, wouldn't you wanna change that?
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 01, 2013 11:55 PM GMT
    You can't decide who your friends' friends are.
    Since this is eating you up, and you can't seem to get past it, and just let it go, you should steer clear of any get togethers where you know that your ex will attend.