Is this normal for long-term relationships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2013 10:30 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. It's been wonderful, and I'm extremely happy with finding him. We work well together and get along great. I love his family and we've all grown quite close.

    The last year though has been kind of tough. We've been having sex-life issues, getting to it maybe once a week. When we're in the act, sometimes I feel like we're doing it just because we feel like it's something we're supposed to be doing. There isn't any passion or that spark that I felt a few years ago.

    I've also grown to realize that the reason we work so well is because we're both very shy. It was great in the beginning, because so many of the guys I dated before had issues with it and were even mean to me about it. I've come to terms with my shyness, and though it's gotten better, it's just me, and I need to learn to embrace it. However, I've realized that since dating, we've both crawled back into our shells. We were much more outgoing when we first met after college. It's tough because we just moved to a new city and are looking to meet friends. But neither one of us knows the social skills to push the other one a little.

    Finally, moving to a new place has made me realize I can't get him to be active for the life of me. I might be shy, but I loved doing outdoor activities with my friends back home, something that he isn't into. I'm also avid about going to the gym daily; he hates it. It's become something important to me the last few years, and it would be nice to be with someone who feels the same.

    The question (after a long-winded post), is is this normal for a long-term relationship? My longest relationship before this was two years, and it only ended because one of us was moving across the country. I'm just not sure if when people get married, etc, that you begin to feel more like friends? Do you think I'm unhappy with him and the relationship, or is it more that I am lonely and looking to meet new people in a new city?

    I'm so nervous to make any decision, because I don't want to end something that we've grown for all of these years.

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    Oct 31, 2013 11:57 AM GMT
    One try spicing things up in the bedroom, find out what his fantasies are and try to live them for him. Find a whore in you, we all have one.

    With going out, the problem might lie in the fact that u have different interests. For one if his not an outdoor person, then find something else that will be of interest to him and see how u can incorporate the things that ull like to do.

    If all fails go to a strip club, there is booze and naked men for days.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 31, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    split_up_direction_md_wm.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2013 12:30 PM GMT
    Seems like you both need to have a talk.
    Communication is the key for a good relationship...So, have you expressed to your bf how you're feeling?
    Don't worry about the sex, sometimes sex is not enjoyable, especially when there's something troubling your relationship.
    A dry wood will catch fire easily, whereas the wet one will not...perhaps your relation is in the latter phase, let it dry first(talk to him and tell him how you're feeling)...then you can decide which step to take next.
    All the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
    Sexual intimacy is communication and if you are not having sex, you are not communicating in a fundamental aspect of a relationship. Shyness has nothing to do with it.
    I'd work this out, because in my limited experience, if I was having sex with my partner once a week, I'd probably already be having it somewhere else with someone else.
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    Oct 31, 2013 1:04 PM GMT
    Harry7785 saidSeems like you both need to have a talk.
    Communication is the key for a good relationship...So, have you expressed to your bf how you're feeling?

    This!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2013 5:33 PM GMT
    It starts with:
    "I'm unhappy"
    try saying it a few times till you can say it with him in the room.
    Then pull out the list of things you want to try and make him pick one.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Oct 31, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    Yes it is common. Communication is key. The problem is people believe that just because they can talk, they can communicate. Not so in my experience. There has to be a willingness to listen and to go beneath the surface of what is being said. For that a neutral third-party can often be helpful, a couples counselor for example. In any case, don't give up to quickly. Good relationships are hard to come by and are worth fighting and changing for. But it takes two to make it happen. Both have to want it badly enough to make those changes, whatever they are, to keep the relationship working.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 31, 2013 7:19 PM GMT
    Maybe you guys just need to get a puppy.
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    Oct 31, 2013 10:15 PM GMT


    Are you having sex or making love?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2013 11:47 PM GMT
    You sure you're not dating a straight man? icon_razz.gif
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 31, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    Give him an ultimatum.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 01, 2013 12:17 AM GMT
    Import saidGive him an ultimatum.

    Either you start fucking me, or I'll find a football team who will.icon_evil.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Nov 01, 2013 2:09 AM GMT
    in a relationship, schedule a 6 month regular "no holds complaint" day. you take turns saying what you HATE that they do or what you want changed. you will find that the littlest things bug your partner that you dont even care about doing or not. worked for me for 12 years til money got in the way.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 01, 2013 2:12 AM GMT
    Apparition saidin a relationship, schedule a 6 month regular "no holds complaint" day. you take turns saying what you HATE that they do or what you want changed. you will find that the littlest things bug your partner that you dont even care about doing or not. worked for me for 12 years til money got in the way.

    He stopped leaving cash on the nightstand?

    icon_lol.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 01, 2013 5:15 AM GMT
    bhp91126 said
    Harry7785 saidSeems like you both need to have a talk.
    Communication is the key for a good relationship...So, have you expressed to your bf how you're feeling?

    This!



    I agree with this.

    To me, it appears that the relationship is over, but neither one of you is willing to admit that you've become roommates.

    But, absolutely have a talk, and tell him everything you said in your opening post.
  • Amelorn

    Posts: 231

    Nov 01, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    A relationship goes far deeper than you (or he) can reach with your doodle. icon_wink.gif

    I've heard it said that a major flaw in modern (western) conceptions of relationships is that the fire needs to burn bright and hot constantly or else there's a serious problem. Disney-esque passion and thrill are preferred to the subtleties of total intimacy/synchronised life.

    Interestingly, I was speaking of a similar topic with my "mentor" the other day. He's a Singaporean entrepreneur who was trained as a counsellor, of all things. He advises that although we are sexual beings, it is not a be-all end-all. Intimacy is of the mind, heart, and body. He also notes that it's OK for frequency to wax and wane over the years. He spoke of the 5 year mark, saying that if a couple is just in it for the physical thrills and novelts, the prospects aren't good. They need to be building a life together. This can mean kids, a house, a family business, retirement, hobbies, and other goals aspired to jointly.

    That said, if sexual (in)frequency and (dis)satisfaction are points of contention, then they need to be worked on.

    I imagine that those who have been in LTRs will back me up.

    Webster666 said

    To me, it appears that the relationship is over, but neither one of you is willing to admit that you've become roommates.

    But, absolutely have a talk, and tell him everything you said in your opening post.


    We don't have nearly enough info to make such a judgemen/advise someone on a life changing decision. Then again, why am I not surprised that a headless torso is advising a break up over a sex rut.