How many dates before becoming exclusive

  • Rich_Chambo

    Posts: 22

    Nov 01, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    I have been on 4 dates with a guy I met online and I want to be exclusive with him and want to be in a relationship with him. I just don't know if it's too soon to bring up the subject with only have been going on four dates with him. The dates so far have all gone well and have even been extended (been about 6 hours long for each date). 2 of them we've ended up back at his place and we've made out on the sofa but not gone as far as having sex. We've both agreed we're not one for rushing into that although I don't think it will be long ;) But I do really like him and want a relationship with him but I'm worried that if I bring up the subject this early on it might scare him away. Is there any way a can subtly hint to him to see how he feels. We're communicating a lot through texts, etc and the dates have been only 2 days apart between each one as we live near each other. Should I wait a few more dates or just tell him how I feel?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 01, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    If you tell him how you feel too soon you might scare him away. Try getting him emotionally and or financially dependent on you first.icon_smile.gif
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Nov 01, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    Tough call there. I don't feel there's any hard rules for when to become exclusive. The one time I had a boyfriend it just kinda happened without either of us discussing it. I do know if I ever find the right guy again, I'd definitely want to have that conversation. But there is something too about things gravitating towards bf-bf naturally. Don't know what that middle ground is.

    Good luck with your guy. Sounds promising.
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    Nov 01, 2013 6:14 PM GMT
    Don't count on anything. Guys are really flaky sometimes. I had a guy say "Hey babe, You know how much you mean to me" which I thought was really creepy. Well he disappeared. I figured he had a live in guy anyway. Never would invite me over. Also it can take months until someone breaks up with you. So you only will know when the chemistry is right.
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    Nov 01, 2013 7:31 PM GMT
    I think it would just organically develop, so you shouldn't put some kind of timetable or firm number on such things.
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    Nov 01, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    Your next milestone should be meeting one of his friends or family. After that he is likely to want to make things more official (unless the friends or family hate you haha icon_cry.gif )
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    Nov 01, 2013 10:23 PM GMT
    Hold off on exclusivity until you meet his entire family, and if they all live on some far off island in some distant land where no one ever visits, all the better.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 02, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    With gays you never know.

    I once dated a guy with whom I went out with for about 20 times, had sex with by day 15... and then around day 25, he asks me "hey, do u wanna be exclusive from now on?" I was stunned... I figured we were exclusive by the time sex was even part of the picture LOL
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    Nov 02, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    I would wait to bring up the subject. I would be scared off by a guy wanting to be exclusive after four dates. Personally I wouldn't go exclusive for at least 2 months. It takes me that long to figure out if i can love a guy or if i am just impressed with him.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 02, 2013 2:03 PM GMT
    Even if the relationship isn't a sure thing after one or two months, if I knew that a guy I'm seeing is also seeing someone else, it would be game over. Why can't gays test drive one car at a time?
  • Ultrarunner1

    Posts: 3

    Nov 03, 2013 4:10 AM GMT
    Umm I"be been dating the same guy for 7 months , met the family, friends etc. Bit sick of being introduced as his "date" keep thinking of that movie Bridesmades and the guy with the Porsche in it . Not looking for a bf myself I think as out of a lt relationship last year , just it's beginning to grate icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 03, 2013 5:22 AM GMT
    If you get to the point where the two of you are saying "I love you" then that would be an appropriate time to talk about exclusivity. Until then, why impose limits on yourself or him (so long as you're practicing safer sex)?
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    Nov 03, 2013 6:32 AM GMT
    Rich_Chambo saidWe're communicating a lot through texts, etc and the dates have been only 2 days apart between each one as we live near each other. Should I wait a few more dates or just tell him how I feel?


    So you've only known him for a week or two? Too soon. Especially if you've been talking about taking it slow.

    Date for a 2-3 more weeks and get to know him more. If things continue to develop in a positive way, drop hints and see how he responds.
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    Nov 04, 2013 4:32 AM GMT
    duluthrunner said...why impose limits on yourself or him (so long as you're practicing safer sex)?


    It's funny how the biggest prudes here are always the young ones, and it's the older men who keep urging them down the path towards becoming damaged-goods, just to level the playing field?
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Nov 04, 2013 5:39 AM GMT
    im an all or nothing guy from day one.
    profile says i only date one guy at a time and looking for same.

    if i start something with a guy i have to finish before going on to the next one. i interview extensively on the first date. i am not spontaneous.
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    Nov 04, 2013 7:35 AM GMT
    brodyg said
    duluthrunner said...why impose limits on yourself or him (so long as you're practicing safer sex)?

    It's funny how the biggest prudes here are always the young ones, and it's the older men who keep urging them down the path towards becoming damaged-goods, just to level the playing field?

    It's the geezer conspiracy.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Nov 04, 2013 9:57 AM GMT
    4-6 months. You barely know himicon_idea.gif
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    Nov 04, 2013 12:59 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    brodyg said
    duluthrunner said...why impose limits on yourself or him (so long as you're practicing safer sex)?

    It's funny how the biggest prudes here are always the young ones, and it's the older men who keep urging them down the path towards becoming damaged-goods, just to level the playing field?

    It's the geezer conspiracy.

    LOL! Or maybe the geezer experience & confidence.

    We've gone through this drill so many times we know how to maneuver through the minefields that dating can represent, take risks and survive them. We know when to dump 'em quick, and when to let it play out, how to cut our losses and move on, or choose to invest some time & effort in a guy. And we can make those decisions without a lot of doubt, hesitation or angst.

    When I began dating my present partner nearly 7 years ago we had only been together a month and people would ask us how long we'd been a couple. They couldn't believe only a month, they guessed decades! Obviously our older ages misled them, but also I think it was because we fell into partnership so easily, so naturally.

    We could hit the ground running because we were past the learning stage. We knew what we wanted, knew what to do, we already had the required skill set. We got on this new bike and rode it expertly from day one, without training wheels.

    But yeah, our advice & experience may not help newbies solve their first-time problems. We can often only competently advise what to expect down the road, after the training wheels come off.

    But as for the OP's question, in my opinion most of the other replies I've read above are all correct in different ways. The time does vary, it's very personal & individual, no strict rule applies (the same is true in straight dating, too, gay is no different).

    As for me, by the second or third date if I liked him I not only stopped seeing other guys, I actually lost interest in them. Automatically, like a switch being thrown, no conscious decision on my part, exclusive often before my new guy was with me. Which helped me to know he was worth pursuing, when, to paraphrase the old song lyrics: "I only had eyes for him".
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    Nov 05, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    Ohno saidYour next milestone should be meeting one of his friends or family. After that he is likely to want to make things more official (unless the friends or family hate you haha icon_cry.gif )


    But not family though. I made that mistake once, never again. 2nd date, guy introduces me to 2 female relatives...killed it for us. I've learned that if a partner is weak-minded and is influenced heavily by their family...they will allow them to say anything about you and believe it. Most of my best and longest relationships were just ME AND HIM. Not me, him and his friends and family.

    "It be these nothing having broads, that be living for hate.
    It be these dusty looking broads, that I intimidate"
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    Nov 06, 2013 2:59 AM GMT
    If you have to ask or have doubts, then it's too soon. If it seems forced, then it's too soon. If things progress in that direction, the subject will probably come up very casually and very naturally.
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    Nov 07, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    Usually about 5 dates or 1 month time frame or when you two have that official boyfriend talk!
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    Nov 07, 2013 10:39 PM GMT
    Unless you are both head over heels in love with each other (which would indicate you were infatuated, and that stage never lasts), 4 dates and a couple weeks is way too soon. Like others said, let things develop naturally. When you are spending lots of time together, whenever that is, is a time to talk about exclusivity, if it even necessary then.
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    Nov 08, 2013 9:24 PM GMT
    highforthis saidWith gays you never know.

    Why can't gays test drive one car at a time?


    We don't exactly have a lock on that sort of behavior.
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    Nov 08, 2013 9:32 PM GMT
    brodyg said
    duluthrunner said...why impose limits on yourself or him (so long as you're practicing safer sex)?


    It's funny how the biggest prudes here are always the young ones, and it's the older men who keep urging them down the path towards becoming damaged-goods, just to level the playing field?


    That you call anyone "damaged goods" because they have had sex is revealing.

    I wouldn't call it urging them on. We've been there. We know what you will do.....eventually/statistically.

    Nor would I call the young ones prudes, more like altruistic and romantic.
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    Nov 08, 2013 9:51 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said





    As for me, by the second or third date if I liked him I not only stopped seeing other guys, I actually lost interest in them. Automatically, like a switch being thrown, no conscious decision on my part, exclusive often before my new guy was with me. Which helped me to know he was worth pursuing, when, to paraphrase the old song lyrics: "I only had eyes for him".


    Bingo! That's usually how it works for me too. Unfortunately the one guy I'm interested in is 2300 miles away! He actually told me he's not had sex since the last time we were together. (I kept mum on that lol. And it DID add a little pressure.) But he's also said open relationships are normal and expected, at least eventually.

    I can't commit to a CA to FL long distance relationship. If he was here we'd be dating exclusively....we wouldn't have to ask or tell. We just would. For the same reasons I haven't said "ILY."

    I don't know where this thing is going! But I have a good friend at the very least.