The honest truth, men under 15% body fat only: Would you be BF's (boyfriends) with a guy who is 25% BF or higher?

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    Nov 03, 2013 4:39 AM GMT
    For those that don't know what certain BFs (body fat) look like, here's a chart:

    body-fat-percentage-men.jpg

    OK...so I have been seeing a guy now for the past month or so. We've met quite a few times, and had fun...but no sex. It's strange because I thought I was really feeling him, but in the past week, now I'm not so sure. He doesn't 'look' fat in a baggy shirt, but in a tank top or with it off...I just think, "uhhh..."

    He's probably at like a 27-32% BF. He just signed up to a gym after meeting me. I thought that was great, but I kind of wonder if he's just doing it because that what he thinks I'd want him to do. But, I've spoken to him about what he does, he doesn't really know his way around the gym. and hasn't gone much. I offered to show him a routine and how to do weights, and he agreed. But then, everytime it comes time to do it, he makes excuses and just told me the other night, "I'm content with how I am".

    At this point, I've pretty much lost attraction to him. I know he'd look pretty good with a more defined physique. But at his fitness level, I'll be waiting months and probably years for a transformation. And it's already 2 months in and I'm finding I'm not content with his body. It's not so much I'm not sexually attracted to him, it's just that I feel like I'm settling. I'll be going to the gym with wandering eyes, yet feel totally unhappy with the person I'm seeing.

    Would you, or have you ever been with a guy like this (assuming you're at or below 10-15% BF).
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    Nov 03, 2013 9:38 AM GMT
    Everyone is different only you know what you want out of a relationship. If sex is a priority and body image is what turns you on -- that's your prerogative. I'm a face guy and I don't think I could settle for a face I'm not able to kiss.

    I remember I'd have discussions with my ex; I told him if he was to ever get injured or deformed I'd still be with him, because as time progressed I was "in love" with more than his appearance.

    I know a divorced couple (they are straight). The man is a competitive bodybuilder still, and his ex-wife told me she's happy she was in the relationship, because she pushed her body to new limits (she also competed when they were together); they both grew and learned from one another. Currently she's fit, maybe not as toned, but definitely fit.

    Like I said I'm more of a face guy, but I've always told potential dates that if your weight doesn't affect your health, it's none of my business. Staying fit can seem like a full time job; it really is a lifestyle and I understand it's not for everyone. If they are healthy and share similar values, then I don't feel like I'm settling if they have flab. Only you know if it's a major turn off or not. Just don't pull a Nip Tuck where that jerk of a doctor made a woman wear a paper bag over head.
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    Nov 04, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    AnOriginal said
    I know a divorced couple (they are straight). The man is a competitive bodybuilder still, and his ex-wife told me she's happy she was in the relationship, because she pushed her body to new limits (she also competed when they were together); they both grew and learned from one another. Currently she's fit, maybe not as toned, but definitely fit.


    I have to wonder though if she was already actively working out before meeting him? And he probably just 'took her to the next level' so to speak. Nothing wrong with that. But I doubt she was just beginning when they met.

    My thing is like, how long can I expect it to take? Awhile I bet? And I just don't think it's fair to either of us for me to hold out on it. Because, I'm just not attracted to his body so to speak. And it's like I KNOW what I have pulled in the past, and STILL pull now. I've fucked like 5 other guys with better bodies since I met him.

    I think I'm just going to let it go. The problem is trying to tell him why I'm letting him go. Should I tell him the reason??? LOL.
  • Apparition

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    Nov 04, 2013 5:42 AM GMT
    you cant change people. you are either a work out guy or not. dont do it.
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    Nov 04, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    AnOriginal said
    I know a divorced couple (they are straight). The man is a competitive bodybuilder still, and his ex-wife told me she's happy she was in the relationship, because she pushed her body to new limits (she also competed when they were together); they both grew and learned from one another. Currently she's fit, maybe not as toned, but definitely fit.


    I have to wonder though if she was already actively working out before meeting him? And he probably just 'took her to the next level' so to speak. Nothing wrong with that. But I doubt she was just beginning when they met.

    My thing is like, how long can I expect it to take? Awhile I bet? And I just don't think it's fair to either of us for me to hold out on it. Because, I'm just not attracted to his body so to speak. And it's like I KNOW what I have pulled in the past, and STILL pull now. I've fucked like 5 other guys with better bodies since I met him.

    I think I'm just going to let it go. The problem is trying to tell him why I'm letting him go. Should I tell him the reason??? LOL.


    You'll only cause him harm (since he's not obese). He deserves to find a guy that can embrace his good nature (I assume that's why you're having a hard time) and his average/flabby healthy body.

    Plus you may get what you want, down the line if you tell him that, but it would be sick; he'll start an obessession by tying his self worth and body image together, in order to have an ideal (you). Don't do that to him. You already said he was shy taking his shirt off!
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    Nov 04, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    Just see if he actually wants to go to the gym..and weight it out.. I was with my ex who hated when I started working out ( I was fat) because he said other guys would look at me more O.o
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    Nov 04, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    he deserves someone who will love him… ALL of him. You can't change people… years ago this guy convinced me that I needed to work out, after all he said he 'deserved a hot guy' (he was ripped) so i joined the gym…. and dumped him icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 04, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    Also what are you looking for in this relationship -- are you willing to be friends and help set up a routine for him?

    By the way my friend (the ex-wife in my post) was a bit chunky at times, when they were together. She showed me childhood/teen photos and she seems to be an endomorph. BUT this isn't about them and what they deem as acceptable, this is about you.
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    Nov 04, 2013 6:12 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    AnOriginal said
    I know a divorced couple (they are straight). The man is a competitive bodybuilder still, and his ex-wife told me she's happy she was in the relationship, because she pushed her body to new limits (she also competed when they were together); they both grew and learned from one another. Currently she's fit, maybe not as toned, but definitely fit.


    I have to wonder though if she was already actively working out before meeting him? And he probably just 'took her to the next level' so to speak. Nothing wrong with that. But I doubt she was just beginning when they met.

    My thing is like, how long can I expect it to take? Awhile I bet? And I just don't think it's fair to either of us for me to hold out on it. True, let him go Because, I'm just not attracted to his body so to speak. And it's like I KNOW what I have pulled in the past, and STILL pull now. I've fucked like 5 other guys with better bodies since I met him. Just let him go without making it about his body. He may have dedicated his life to other areas and deserves someone who can appreciate that.

    I think I'm just going to let it go. The problem is trying to tell him why I'm letting him go. Should I tell him the reason??? LOL. Not funny. He's already insecure taking his shirt off around you -- don't throw salt in the wound.
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    Nov 04, 2013 6:29 AM GMT
    I realize a 25-30% body fat is considered obese, but I have a feeling your number maybe exaggerated.

    Sorry for my for sporadic posts, a lot of thoughts came to mind.
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    Nov 04, 2013 6:42 AM GMT
    I dated a man packing an extra 40lbs. Didn't bother me much at all. It was nice not having to be concerned with looking in perfect shape all the time.The sex was incredible and we really didn't have much in common but still get along fabulously.

    However, if you are looking for a ripped bod, this is probably not something you should pursue. What you see now is what you will get with some slight variations along the way.
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    Nov 04, 2013 7:26 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidIf he is the right guy, even his flaws are beautiful!


    So SWEET! icon_smile.gif

    I think the OP seems to want to get it on or have short term relationships (correct this statement if I'm wrong).

    From November 3, 2013:
    FuzzyPecs25 saidlol, I just texted a guy I met the same thing!

    We met 1 year ago in Minneapolis. I have not seen him since, for various reasons. Our 1st date didn't end well...long story, but nothing to do with us. But we kept in contact up until about January this year and just drifted. I forgot he gave me a new number.

    Well, I was in Minneapolis and texted him on Halloween earlier this week. To my surprise he responded back, he was still single, and we met. Had an awesome time together. We will connect again in the future...

    If that good guy is in a different city, and you can get there even every 2 or 3 months...go for it. See where it goes. He may even have ties to a city near you, like someone mentioned. That guy is from Dallas and goes there often...I used to live in Dallas and I have relatives there, so that in itself deals a better hand.
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    Nov 04, 2013 10:03 AM GMT
    AnOriginal saidI realize a 25-30% body fat is considered obese, but I have a feeling your number maybe exaggerated.

    Sorry for my for sporadic posts, a lot of thoughts came to mind.


    He told me his BFP (Body fat %) was like 22% from his visit with a lady at the gym. But, I think it's higher according to this chart: (3-4% looks kinda gross too lol. gotta be on that juice to get that look)

    body-fat-percentage-men.jpg
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    Nov 04, 2013 10:11 AM GMT
    hairyandym saidhe deserves someone who will love him… ALL of him. You can't change people… years ago this guy convinced me that I needed to work out, after all he said he 'deserved a hot guy' (he was ripped) so i joined the gym…. and dumped him icon_smile.gif

    I've read this elsewhere. But I don't get it. They somewhat enlighten the person to get into shape, and the person dumps them? But, at the same time I can understand that to an extent. Which is partly too why I don't want to do it. I'd do all that work to get someone into shape, and they go run with it.
    Behemothboi saidJust see if he actually wants to go to the gym..and weight it out.. I was with my ex who hated when I started working out ( I was fat) because he said other guys would look at me more O.o

    That's the thing...even if he started going to the gym, it's not like the results would be instant. I just hate the idea that I'm trying to 'get someone' to look better so they can be more acceptable to me. I feel like I'm settling by doing that, and taking a last resort. As in, "well if I can't find the guy who is atleast somewhat into the gym, I'm going to find one who I can whip into shape".

    The reason why things have been going well, is because he's down to have a relationship and has shown it on many levels. But, I'm starting to realize the things I'm not into. Why does life have to be this way!!!?
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    Nov 04, 2013 10:15 AM GMT
    AnOriginal said
    I think the OP seems to want to get it on or have short term relationships (correct this statement if I'm wrong).

    huh? what does that topic have to do with this?

    But since you asked, no I want a long-term thing. But I find myself at a crossroads now because I do want a LTR, but it's starting to hit me that this guy may not be it. His weight is 1 thing, but then there's a couple other things I'm not particularly finding myself feeling too much either.

    As far as the topic you posted, that was a different guy I met last weekend, and after meeting him again...it kind of dawned on me that I'm not into the guy I'm dating right now.
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    Nov 04, 2013 12:25 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    Would you, or have you ever been with a guy like this (assuming you've spent years in the gym yourself).

    I've BEEN this guy. The more years that passed since my retirement, losing the enforced discipline of regular Army PT and a very active lifestyle, I was getting out of shape.

    Dating an in-shape guy some years ago reminded me how much I needed some work. And going to the gym with him, plus hiking & biking together, some camping, etc, was a great way to spend time with him and bond. He was a gym rat, and I could be, too, with the proper motivation he provided me. He became my surrogate Army discipline I'd been missing.

    It's just possible your new guy sees you as an ideal to attain, you're a good example for him. He's truly interested in improving himself, and you've become his motivation & opportunity, perhaps his gym mentor. And if he's into you on different levels, as well, that could be a great mix, with fitness as a common interest.

    Incidentally, I knew one guy who discouraged his BF from going to the gym, with or without him. He was afraid that if his otherwise unremarkable BF became an Adonis the guy might become tempted to go looking for better prospects, and find them with his improved appearance. Human nature & motivations can be hard to predict, and sometimes puzzling to understand.
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    Nov 04, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    Behemothboi saidJust see if he actually wants to go to the gym..and weight it out.. I was with my ex who hated when I started working out ( I was fat) because he said other guys would look at me more O.o

    FuzzyPecs25: "That's the thing...even if he started going to the gym, it's not like the results would be instant. I just hate the idea that I'm trying to 'get someone' to look better so they can be more acceptable to me. I feel like I'm settling by doing that, and taking a last resort. As in, "well if I can't find the guy who is atleast somewhat into the gym, I'm going to find one who I can whip into shape".

    The reason why things have been going well, is because he's down to have a relationship and has shown it on many levels. But, I'm starting to realize the things I'm not into. Why does life have to be this way!!!?
    "


    I don't want you to "settle", but realize no one is perfect.
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    Nov 04, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    I think it comes down to the question if he really wants to change or if he's doing it because of your expectations. If he only wants to change to please you then he wouldn't be motivated in the long term and would probably be resentful eventually.

    But on the other hand if he sees you as an example or role model and you inspired him to change, then it would be a different situation. Assuming this is the case, the next question is if you are willing to be patient for the time it will take him to get in shape. Some of the best physiques on this site are guys who say they were once very fat. So if you can accept him as he is now and have the patience and can be encourager on his journey, there could be a great ending.
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    Nov 05, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    socalfitness saidI think it comes down to the question if he really wants to change or if he's doing it because of your expectations.

    the next question is if you are willing to be patient for the time it will take him to get in shape. Some of the best physiques on this site are guys who say they were once very fat. So if you can accept him as he is now and have the patience and can be encourager on his journey, there could be a great ending.


    Okay, so I met up with him again yesterday. We didn't go to the movies, we didn't watch TV, but we sat and talked about exactly what I been saying on here. The good news is he says that he has been working out prior to meeting me (says he used to be even BIGGER), but his signing up for the gym apparently was not any kind of motivation by me. And I can agree with that, since I didn't tell him, "hey, you need to go to the gym".

    However, the 2nd part of your question...I don't know. And that's what I discussed with him. It makes me feel like I'm holding out in hopes that he'll look like the person I want him to be. That just doesn't sit right with me lol. I still feel like I'm settling to some degree.
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    Nov 05, 2013 5:51 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    It's just possible your new guy sees you as an ideal to attain, you're a good example for him. He's truly interested in improving himself, and you've become his motivation & opportunity, perhaps his gym mentor. And if he's into you on different levels, as well, that could be a great mix, with fitness as a common interest.


    See that's the thing though lol. I don't want to be a mentor lol. That's just not the kind of role I play. I like it to be a somewhat level playing field. That's how me and this 1 guy were friends for so long. He had his gym, I had mine. He already knew how to workout, he knew his way around the gym...when we met. He was a bit more muscular than me, but I caught up rather quickly. But we went out, and people always complimented how well we looked, even though we weren't together like that lol.

    It doesn't make sense to me that my fitness level is way up here, and his is way down there and he has to 'catch up' with me. It if looks like they have been working towards it a bit, then I don't mind taking it to the next level with them. They may only need some slight tweaks to the program/diet to get there. But someone who is waaaay off course, is going to take years.
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    Nov 06, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    socalfitness saidI think it comes down to the question if he really wants to change or if he's doing it because of your expectations.

    the next question is if you are willing to be patient for the time it will take him to get in shape. Some of the best physiques on this site are guys who say they were once very fat. So if you can accept him as he is now and have the patience and can be encourager on his journey, there could be a great ending.


    Okay, so I met up with him again yesterday. We didn't go to the movies, we didn't watch TV, but we sat and talked about exactly what I been saying on here. The good news is he says that he has been working out prior to meeting me (says he used to be even BIGGER), but his signing up for the gym apparently was not any kind of motivation by me. And I can agree with that, since I didn't tell him, "hey, you need to go to the gym".

    However, the 2nd part of your question...I don't know. And that's what I discussed with him. It makes me feel like I'm holding out in hopes that he'll look like the person I want him to be. That just doesn't sit right with me lol. I still feel like I'm settling to some degree.

    Obviously only you can decide how much patience you have. Just a few thoughts in no particular order:

    My best friend is an extremely good looking guy with an outstanding physique. He had a lot of problems dating women because his main criteria was looks. He said "I'm a good looking guy so I should be with a good-looking woman". I told him that while looks are important if he made that his primary criteria, he would probably have a lot of problems. He finally broadened his criteria and ended up marrying a very nice lady. Maybe not a perfect 10 but very nice and he is extremely happy.

    The term "settling" could skew your view. You could apply it to anyone not absolutely perfect and be forever unhappy.

    You said in another message you didn't want to be in the role of his mentor. You wouldn't have to. At the gym you could hang with guys really fit and still give him an encouraging word now and then.

    It would probably not be appropriate to mention other RJ members by name, but there are guys who say they were quite fat and now look absolutely spectacular.

    Ever heard the expression "I was looking for the perfect person, and finally found them. But there was one big problem. They were also looking for the perfect person."

    The only suggestion I could make is think long and hard before ditching him. You're focusing very much on his shortfalls which may be only temporary. If you let him go, you probably won't have the opportunity to get him back if you change your mind.
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    Nov 06, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    socalfitness said
    Ever heard the expression "I was looking for the perfect person, and finally found them. But there was one big problem. They were also looking for the perfect person."

    The only suggestion I could make is think long and hard before ditching him. You're focusing very much on his shortfalls which may be only temporary. If you let him go, you probably won't have the opportunity to get him back if you change your mind.


    I am thinking hard before letting him go, and we discussed it last night. I mean...he's a good looking guy don't get me wrong. When I'm with him I do feel attracted to him...but as superficial as it sounds...I just don't like his body type. And I KNOW I can do better. Despite me having a hard time finding someone to settle down with locally, I know a change of City/State will change that.

    I don't want to feel like I settled with someone who's body didn't turn me on, just because I couldn't come across the perfect combination of body+everything else in 1 little town out of millions of towns in this country.

    You are right about me noticing his short-comings though. Another thing I noticed I might not be able to deal with, is he shaves his head. I date Latino guys because I like the way their hair feels LOL. But he's hairy everywhere else so I 'might' could get past it.
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    Nov 06, 2013 7:03 AM GMT
    And then, you want to know another thing? How can I be motivated to date this guy AND stay in the gym, if his body is the way it is?

    Think about it. I go to the gym and see marriage-worthy bodies all day every day. Yet, I end up dating someone who's out of shape. Do you really think those 2 things can go hand in hand? Fuck no. I'm going to either want to stop going to the gym, or I'm going to not find the person attractive much. Of course, I could take time off to work on him...but again, that 'fixer upper' scenario starts coming into play.

    ...Being a realjock sucks! You go to the gym and take care of yourself, only to end up wanting something that is in short supply: a gay man with a nice body who also wants a relationship and is not a fucking psychotic, emotionally immature, on anti-depressants nutcase trapped inside a sexy body!!!!!!!!!!!

  • tuffguyndc

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    Nov 06, 2013 10:19 AM GMT
    if he is not fat and taken the liberty to join the gym. oh and he is a really great guy. i do not see the problem. no offense buddy, you seem pretty shallow.
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    Nov 06, 2013 3:57 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidif he is not fat and taken the liberty to join the gym. oh and he is a really great guy. i do not see the problem. no offense buddy, you seem pretty shallow.


    i with u on this one. sorry dude but u really do sound shallow.