Here's how to approach the very attractive guy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2013 10:39 PM GMT
    I don't post a lot, but I've learned a lot from this community. Maybe I can contribute something.

    I've seen this question posed a lot. The answers are usually pretty good but kind of scattered. So here's a little essay with, IMO, the best general answer. I'm not saying anything new here, just putting it in one place. One size doesn't fit all, but here are the general concepts mixed with a real-world example to illustrate.

    Attractive guys (you know who you are): feedback is welcome, whether you think I'm full of it, want to voice agreement, or have some clarification to add.

    Last Spring, I attended a local dance club. One of the gogo dancers there, whom we'll call "Darren," is my definition of a perfect 10. I had a hard time keeping my eyes off him.

    He spotted me. We exchanged flirtatious glances. My gut told me that he found me attractive.

    PRINCIPLE 1: You have to meet the guy's basic attraction template and threshold.

    In my case, I appeal to guys who like handsome, masculine men. If Darren had been into willowy twinks, I wouldn't have stood a chance. This isn't personal; it's business. One caveat: it's very unlikely that a guy who pours 10, 20, or more hours a week into fitness is going to be into a guy who doesn't at least take care of himself. I once saw a fit chubby chaser, but it's rare as in unicorns.

    So if you're not the guy's general type, he's going to be cool and aloof. Accept it with class and move on to greener pastures.

    Darren finished his shift and was at the bar getting some water. I walked up to him, handed him my phone, and told him to give me his number. This level of boldness isn't for every situation, but generally speaking the guys who approach very attractive guys are nervous, hesitant, and cloying. So some serious confidence will immediately set you apart, and it's more effective to err on the side of being too bold.

    PRINCIPLE 2: Confidence is sexy, especially to the very attractive guy.

    Let's be frank: the pool that the 10's swim in is small. Unless they want to be celibate, they have to dip down into the 7's and 8's if they're ever going to have a good chance at human connection. So you don't have to be physically perfect to approach these guys. You do have to take good care of yourself, but after that they'll be screening based on personality. Confidence is often the first layer of that screen.

    He gave me his number and I walked away. We texted back and forth for a couple of days. It was disastrous. The message he gave me was that he expected me to buy him an expensive dinner if I wanted to make a good impression. I called him out, burned the bridge, and wrote him off. There is little that is more empowering than rejecting a 10 for cause. Hopefully this stage of drama won't happen to you.

    Fast-forward six months. I spotted him at the gym. (YCYL TROLLS! DINNER TIME!) He was between sets, I walked up to him (principle 2). "Darren! Mike, we met a while back." Offered my hand.

    Stylistically, one thing that I've found can work well is to be very brief in this first approach. Shows him you're not desperate and not a threat, just friendly and personable. Two or three times I tried to step away and he drew me back in with a question. This showed me there was interest (principle 1). But I still pulled out quickly and politely and got after my workout.

    Half an hour later he showed up at my corner of the gym. He had chosen to do exercises 20 feet away from me that he could have done elsewhere. I don't know if he was hoping I'd approach him, but it definitely meant he saw no reason to avoid me. Either way, it was time for the second approach in this two-part style. Between sets, I walked up to him and asked him what he was doing these days (principle 2). We engaged in a lively discussion about his work and what he loved about it.

    PRINCIPLE 3: Forget about his body. Zero in on his mind. Show interest in his passions and his personality.


    I put out of my mind entirely how attractive he is physically. I didn't look at his body (until the topic turned to how he wanted to gain 20 lbs and I looked him over with a critical eye for feedback - appropriate in context, and it showed that even he has insecurities about his looks). I maintained good eye contact and drew him out about his passion for swimming and working with kids and his career. He's a human and I treated him as such - someone who's interesting and worth knowing, rather than someone who would be super awesome to get into bed.

    Within a couple minutes, his smile broadened, his eyes lit up, and his body language opened. He started asking about me and my life. We connected on a social, friendship level.

    What you have to realize about these guys is that they get attention for their bodies ALL THE TIME. They know they're good-looking, and it gets boring to be told that. I'm nowhere near a 10 and I'm already bored by being told how good I look. In fact, it can get demoralizing - they crave being recognized for something more than their superficial looks. Like any person, they want admiration and appreciation for their achievements, passions, and personality.

    The result of this is that they often put a shield into place to ward off the guys who just want to flatter their way in. This can be misinterpreted as coldness or a bad attitude. In reality, it's just a defense mechanism to prevent the constant awkwardness of rejecting people.

    We'd been chatting for 10 minutes or so. It was time to break the discussion before it wound down and became awkward, or I said something stupid. So I said I still had his number from last spring and asked if he wanted to reconnect.

    PRINCIPLE 4: Lead. Until he signals you to back off, take the initiative.

    One unfortunate side-effect of being chased all the time is you never really learn how to push the ball forward yourself. In this way, the very attractive guy is often sort of handicapped in forming romantic relationships. Ironically, they often don't have the confidence to take the initiative themselves, because they've never had to develop that skill. You gotta help them out.

    He accepted my invitation, saying dinner or something would be great. I said I had to get back to my workout. He actually laughingly apologized for boring me with swimming talk. I told him it was good to see his real passion.

    I finished my workout and headed to the locker room. He was finishing up, still shirtless. I did not stare at him. Instead, I struck up a conversation with another guy. Darren finished up while we were chatting and caught my eye with a smile as he was leaving.

    No idea where this is going. But the connection is made, the shield is down, mutual attraction is established. I'll contact him in a couple days to set up a date, but at this point it's down to how our personalities mesh.

    Experience has taught me that the 10's need to be filtered for character and a good heart just like everybody else. A fulfilling sexual relationship is impossible without a good interpersonal relationship; when you can internalize that fact and focus on the interpersonal relationship you can regularly find guys a couple points higher on the attraction scale who are interested in you.

    You need some social intelligence to pull this off because you have to be able to read and respond to his cues. But that's a learnable skill, so don't despair if this scenario scares you to death - just start working to bolster your social skills by getting out and interacting with people. Just like working out, you start easy and challenge yourself until you improve and accomplish your goals.

    Hope this helps somebody! Most especially, I hope it helps a few lonely attractive guys who just wish somebody had the guts to approach them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2013 10:43 PM GMT
    TL;DR:
    PRINCIPLE 1: You have to meet the guy's basic attraction template and threshold.
    PRINCIPLE 2: Confidence is sexy, especially to the very attractive guy.
    PRINCIPLE 3: Forget about his body. Zero in on his mind. Show interest in his passions and his personality.
    PRINCIPLE 4: Lead. Until he signals you to back off, take the initiative.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2013 2:16 AM GMT
    Now
    Why did you have to go and give the combination to the vault away?
    If you start telling guy's how to build confidence, I'm afraid we'll have to banish you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2013 6:21 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidNow
    Why did you have to go and give the combination to the vault away?
    If you start telling guy's how to build confidence, I'm afraid we'll have to banish you.


    Can't help it, I'm a hopeless romantic :-)

    Building confidence is simple: fake it till you make it. Otherwise known as "practice."

    YAY BANISHMENT!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    As you can see, I am super attractive and amazingly sexy and I get approached all the time, even though I have trained LingLang like a sexual ninja. When people get past LingLang, I usually just laugh if they ask if I am interested, or if I am interested, I just hold up three fingers and nod at LingLang, hoping that the find young beef who has penetrated past the Ninja LingLang defense system is smart enough to figure out the sexual gesture. If so, we are on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    Hey, I'm just glad you gave a TL;DR version. That original post was WAY too long just to make 4 principle points!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2013 12:21 AM GMT
    failscarf saidI doubt the majority of anyone would beat the first principle. Gays give worse dating advice for their own than Steve Harvey does for women.


    Probably right. If you look around a room of mixed gay guys, how many of them are you actually attracted to? Most are probably not your type. No different with attractive guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidHey, I'm just glad you gave a TL;DR version. That original post was WAY too long just to make 4 principle points!


    I actually had to shorten it. RJ wouldn't let me post the whole thing lol

    Not everybody likes to read. Those who do should find some good nuggets.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    tantiboh said
    failscarf saidI doubt the majority of anyone would beat the first principle. Gays give worse dating advice for their own than Steve Harvey does for women.


    Probably right. If you look around a room of mixed gay guys, how many of them are you actually attracted to? Most are probably not your type. No different with attractive guys.


    Good explanation on why so many guys are single.
  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Nov 05, 2013 9:03 AM GMT
    Erik101 said
    tantiboh said
    failscarf saidI doubt the majority of anyone would beat the first principle. Gays give worse dating advice for their own than Steve Harvey does for women.


    Probably right. If you look around a room of mixed gay guys, how many of them are you actually attracted to? Most are probably not your type. No different with attractive guys.


    Good explanation on why so many guys are single.


    Sure, but how do you draw the line between being picky and having standards though?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    ^^^ Be open to meeting people. Have you ever met a guy who wasn't initially your type but liked him as you got to know him? And if he's still not your type, you can always make a new friend.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Nov 05, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    Erik101 said^^^ Be open to meeting people. Have you ever met a guy who wasn't initially your type but liked him as you got to know him? And if he's still not your type, you can always make a new friend.


    No set expectations, that have been my experience!

    As per overly confidence, it is not sexy at all, more like pure arrogance if you ask me! for the simple reason that such attitude tends and will overshadow the other person's uniqueness. I have been highly successful with dates of a humble disposition verses the obnoxious overly confident ones. I prefer to allow the person I am interested equal time to shine and be his true self, as much as he would give me time to do or be the same! I am an equal opportunity dater!! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 06, 2013 6:29 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Erik101 said^^^ Be open to meeting people. Have you ever met a guy who wasn't initially your type but liked him as you got to know him? And if he's still not your type, you can always make a new friend.


    No set expectations, that have been my experience!

    As per overly confidence, it is not sexy at all, more like pure arrogance if you ask me! for the simple reason that such attitude tends and will overshadow the other person's uniqueness. I have been highly successful with dates of a humble disposition verses the obnoxious overly confident ones. I prefer to allow the person I am interested equal time to shine and be his true self, as much as he would give me time to do or be the same! I am an equal opportunity dater!! icon_wink.gif


    My take is that the humility can manifest as you're getting to know the person. But for the initial approach, confidence is definitely key.

    Confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. Confidence and humility are not mutually exclusive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2014 7:33 AM GMT
    tantiboh said

    The pool that the 10's swim in is small. So you don't have to be physically perfect to approach these guys. You do have to take good care of yourself, but after that they'll be screening based on personality. Confidence is often the first layer of that screen.

    What you have to realize about these guys is that they get attention for their bodies ALL THE TIME. They know they're good-looking, and it gets boring to be told that. I'm nowhere near a 10 and I'm already bored by being told how good I look. In fact, it can get demoralizing - they crave being recognized for something more than their superficial looks. Like any person, they want admiration and appreciation for their achievements, passions, and personality.

    The result of this is that they often put a shield into place to ward off the guys who just want to flatter their way in. This can be misinterpreted as coldness or a bad attitude. In reality, it's just a defense mechanism to prevent the constant awkwardness of rejecting people.

    Experience has taught me that the 10's need to be filtered for character and a good heart just like everybody else. A fulfilling sexual relationship is impossible without a good interpersonal relationship; when you can internalize that fact and focus on the interpersonal relationship you can regularly find guys a couple points higher on the attraction scale who are interested in you.

    You need some social intelligence to pull this off because you have to be able to read and respond to his cues. But that's a learnable skill, so don't despair if this scenario scares you to death - just start working to bolster your social skills by getting out and interacting with people. Just like working out, you start easy and challenge yourself until you improve and accomplish your goals.


    Truer words have never been spoken. The fear of approaching anyone supposedly "out of your league" could be demoralizing. Will definitely keep this in mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2014 8:05 AM GMT
    Great post.

    I read the whole thing as well as the responses and I'm going to try and put some of this information into practice. Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Nov 24, 2014 11:50 PM GMT
    You really broke it down and while these things may not always work for everyone, it's generally a good and well thought out lay out that I do agree with at the end of the day. It really did give me something to think about for sure. A very nice read.

    Erik101 said^^^ Be open to meeting people. Have you ever met a guy who wasn't initially your type but liked him as you got to know him? And if he's still not your type, you can always make a new friend.


    I agree with this too. I've been in a situation like this with a guy I Wasn't initially attracted to and even though I still wasn't that into him, it was still nice to find someone to connect with in terms of interests so I do think that getting to know someone can really change your perception a bit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2014 11:53 PM GMT
    ** You just treat them like Beautiful things *** and have confidence, treat them like any other person....

    **Taken from Sex and the City ** MOdelizer/Models/Mortals episode. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2014 12:01 AM GMT
    1. Say hi.
    2. Wink.
    3. Disrobe.