Judging your fellow man

  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Sep 17, 2007 4:17 PM GMT
    In the very early 90s, I had a friend who was a psychologist. He worked with sexually abused individuals. I was in my mid-twenties and he was thirtysomething. At that time, daytime talk shows were exploiting the issue of sexual abuse. You couldn't turn around without reading another tragic story of how sexual abuse had ruined a celebrity's life. Everyone was blaming everything wrong in their lives on a shitty upbringing.

    Since I had gone through some tragic events myself, I mentioned to my friend that I believed people were overstating the effects of their upbringing, and dwelling on events in their lives that had little bearing on their happiness as adults. It was a boastful, cocky argument on my part. I was saying "I turned out okay despite the horrible things that happened to me. Why don't people just get over themselves?"

    My friend turned to me and said "Tell that to someone who just fucked their dad."

    Point taken. Since then I've tried to shut my yap because judging the behavior of others makes me look like a fool.

    Does anyone else have any stories of humbling experiences?



  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Sep 17, 2007 5:47 PM GMT
    I've got a few (in list form):

    * being raped and working through it on my own (due to trust issues) taught me about one form of the trauma of sexual abuse and brought further insight into being patient with others and with what they probably don't reveal in early conversation

    * finding out that an acquaintance's mother died when he was very young (and severely traumatized him); I found out about it by accident, and it explained why he reacted oddly when I mentioned a person I thought was his mother in a picture I shot

    * hearing a classmate's experience of being raped by her boyfriend and two of his friends in their proclaimed effort to prevent her from becoming lesbian (due to her amount of LGBT friends)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2007 6:01 PM GMT
    "Does anyone else have any stories of humbling experiences?"

    Yes.
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    Sep 17, 2007 11:19 PM GMT
    ""Does anyone else have any stories of humbling experiences?"
    Yes."


    Me too.
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    Sep 17, 2007 11:39 PM GMT
    Met the perfect man a few years back. World traveler, triathlete, smart scientific type, music lover, good drinker, killer blue eyes and the sweetest smile. Dated a couple of months.

    Then he got a rare and particularly deadly form of bone cancer. He told me to come to his hospital room every day to "keep things light and sweep him off his feet". When the family arrived to support him, he introduced me to his closest family members, thus "coming out". His mom and sister banned me from his room, so I worked with the nurses and came in the dark of night, or early early AM. It was all about him, and that was that. I even bought 12 really cool bandanas and promised to give him another one every time he got through another chemo treatment.

    I still have 11 bandanas. Yeah, gone in six weeks.

    We all become a member of this lousy cancer club at some point, either by proxy or first hand experience. This is not a sob story about me.

    What this amazing guy went through humbled me immensely. And believe it or not, his Mom's plight was humbling to me as well.

    For practical purposes, this "humbling" has taught me to steer clear of drama that really isn't drama. In other words, your disproportioned torso is not a big deal. At least the cells inside are perfectly healthy.
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    Sep 18, 2007 12:11 AM GMT
    "..........and people on these forums wonder why I have no tolerance for weak minded people who can't be honest, after all I have been through....and these are 4 stories out of many more....who wants more........?"

    What are you doing to resolve these issues? Clearly, you're in a lot of pain and acting out with these rant threads of yours.
  • DenveRyk

    Posts: 167

    Sep 18, 2007 12:49 AM GMT
    ITALIC TEXT GOES HEREWhat are you doing to resolve these issues? Clearly, you're in a lot of pain and acting out with these rant threads of yours.

    Thanks for the sarcastic? or whatever response, paradox. What a jerk. How is this man's post rated a "rant" by you? Really nice to see the compassion just ooze our of you.
  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Sep 18, 2007 1:10 AM GMT
    RuggerFor practical purposes, this "humbling" has taught me to steer clear of drama that really isn't drama.


    Nicely put.
  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Sep 18, 2007 1:10 AM GMT
    RuggerFor practical purposes, this "humbling" has taught me to steer clear of drama that really isn't drama.


    Nicely put.
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    Sep 18, 2007 1:13 AM GMT
    DenveRyk, the rants I'm referring to are his confrontational hissy-fit threads where he lashes out at segments of the gay population. What he wrote on this thread certainly explains the source of his pain and acting out, but I'm more interested in what he's doing to resolve it. It was a serious question.
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    Sep 18, 2007 2:00 AM GMT
    Everyone has a hard luck story.
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    Sep 18, 2007 2:13 AM GMT
    gregstevenstx: Yes, but not everyone consciously realizes that everyone else has a hard luck story too. I appreciate this thread because I know it could help someone who might currently be emotionally clouded and feel alone, or think that the world has given them nothing but sh*t when it really hasn't.
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    Sep 18, 2007 2:17 AM GMT
    ...I kept a blog for two years during and after the guy I was dating passed away. Telling my story and sharing subsequent feelings about this or that in the months ahead, in a (semi)public forum. helped me feel okay. The feedback from others was wonderful and I made some very good friends who I now visit regularly even though they're 2000 miles away.

    Oh, and it also caused me to tear up the Xanax prescription my doc kneejerkingly gave me. I cannot imagine what sort of person I'd be today if I had simply tried to medicate my way through one of life's crises.
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    Sep 18, 2007 5:30 AM GMT
    My mom makes fun of me sometimes in front of other people when discussing my more feminine body structure I guess. It kind of sucks and I just tell her to be quiet because its rude. She doesn't know I am gay though, but whatevs. If I tell her she will probably just make a bigger deal out of everything.
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    Sep 18, 2007 6:01 AM GMT
    I typed my humbling experiences on a website dealing with the childhood issues I had. There too embarrasing and complex to put here, and too soon to express- If I do at all. But a response from a woman and a few others made me feel so much better. And sum up my theroy of hard luck and really fucked up circumstances.

    Paulette Says:
    August 25th, 2007 at 9:37 am

    Jason,

    As a mother reading your heart wrenching story, I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug for all the ones you missed. We all have challenges to overcome on our journey; some more difficult than others. It’s comforting to know that you have identified your life theme as “wounded healer” and your challenge as “forgiveness”. May you also find peace and happiness along the way.

    Brian Says:
    July 25th, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Jason,

    I can only convey my sorrow and respect for you that you are trying so hard to overcome your abuse at the hands of the authorities. I hope and pray that you can find your way out of this horrible situation.

    Brian

    thememoryartist Says:
    July 25th, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    Jason,

    What was done to you is truly horrible and a terrible tragedy. I hope that somehow you are able to find some peace and healing in all of this. It may seem impossible, but while you still live and breathe, there is a chance for that.

    I can hear how much pain you are living with. It sounds unbearable, and yet you’re still here. That says something about your strength. When faced with lives of pain and betrayal, sometimes the only thing to do is to find the meaning in our suffering, and from that find our purpose. Maybe you can find a way to make your voice heard, to share your experience, so that what happened to you does not happen to other children.

    I wish you the best. Hang in there.
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    Sep 18, 2007 6:11 AM GMT
    RuggerATXOh, and it also caused me to tear up the Xanax prescription my doc kneejerkingly gave me. I cannot imagine what sort of person I'd be today if I had simply tried to medicate my way through one of life's crises.


    It is good to be able to reach down inside and find strength that you didn't know you had. When we see people persevere no matter how big or small the problem seems to be it can give us strength. When we see people suffer we can see how fragile humans are despite the air of strength we may have.

    Some people make it, and some don't. But we are all made of the same stuff.
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    Sep 18, 2007 10:55 AM GMT
    RugerATX...THANK YOU for putting things in perspective for us...we all need reminders that our problems are nothing in comparison to those afflicted with deadly illnesses like cancer...and also, it says alot about you as a man for understanding the pain of your bf's mother, who even though she didnt treat you with respect, you still have sympathy for her and her loss!! Youre a good man!!!
  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Sep 18, 2007 2:34 PM GMT
    gregstevenstxEveryone has a hard luck story.


    I know everyone has a hard luck story. I don't know if everyone has been humbled, though. I started this thread because a few of the other threads have become preachy, intolerant and unbearable. The theme of my own story was "the time I learned to shut up when passing judgment made me look like a big-mouthed bully." I didn't expect such intimate responses, but if people want to come here and let it all hang out, I'm not going to get on their case about it.

    Thanks again, Rugger. You've said a lot of what I wanted to say already.

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    Sep 18, 2007 6:38 PM GMT
    Thanks for posting this topic, Art Smass. I've had many humbling experiences throughout my life-sometimes daily. I think most about my friends and family members who are no longer here, from the ones who took their lives to the ones whose lives were cut short by tragic accidents or poor health.

    I had a longtime friend who had AIDS for over 20 years. At one point, we got into a stupid fight and quit talking for several years. His health began to deteriorate and thankfully we made up during that time. I watched him decline over a two-year period, including going to a horrible nursing home. Some of his friends fought to get him into a better home but he had a kink in his intestines, had surgery, and died from the infection. He was on life support and his family decided to pull the plug. I was there as he passed away, holding his hand, along with several other of his close friends.

    It was one of the most profound experiences I've ever had and am grateful that I could be there with him. It taught me to appreciate life, even the bad times, and to resolve stupid conflicts when they arise.

    I also think about those who chose to take their own lives and what they must have been feeling. Some were bi-polar, some were victims of physical or sexual abuse, some were depressed, and some were just overwhelmed by life. I don't think they would have taken their own lives if they truly knew how much they were loved and how the world was a little more empty without them in it.

    We have no idea sometimes what people have gone through or what they are going through. We all have different strengths, skills, and backgrounds. Some of us have better tools that we use cope, and just because we made it out of a difficult situation doesn't mean someone else can.

    Finally, just remember that you are alive and have a chance every day to make a difference or to change your life.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Sep 18, 2007 6:48 PM GMT
    Rugger,

    Your bf was lucky to have you. You were a good friend to him.

    lissenup,

    Your friend was lucky to have you also.

    You are good guys.

    Mike