Does being in the closet also closet your true personality?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2008 11:58 PM GMT
    I'm gay and in the closet....

    I'm a pretty straight acting in public...however, when I'm with my closest friends I'm extremely gay acting sometimes (sorry for the stereotype, I'm not referring to all gay guys acting "gay").

    Even though I'm really getting to no point here...my question is, when I come out (which I will...soon). Does a whole new confidence come? I wanna be myself everywhere!
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    Dec 03, 2008 12:42 AM GMT
    depends.

    you'll find out who your real friends are.

    hopefully you're completely self-sufficient (i.e. your parents' opinions don't affect your ability to survive). if you do it in such a way that you are in control as much as possible it will be very empowering. if you do it chaotically, that is probably how it will feel.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Dec 03, 2008 12:53 AM GMT
    Of course you will be your true self everywhere. I can't imagine what you are waiting for. The closet is no place to live! Life is wonderful being your true self and not hiding anything from anyone.
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    Dec 03, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    It depends on the person coming out.

    Some guys are naturally more stereotypical, and had to hide their personality, and when they come out, they act more stereotypical because it's what they always wanted to be able to do. This is good, I think. If this is your personality, go for it.

    Some guys act more flamboyant than they are so that other gay guys will notice them, especially when they are fresh out and don't know anyone. Makes it easier to meet people.

    Some guys I've known come out and act super flamboyant as a sort of "fuck you" to those who don't like them anymore because they had the nerve to come out.

    Personally, my friends say I act more gay than I used to when I came out, but not by a huge degree. They think it's because I'm now not always watching my behaviors to make sure I'm not giving any gay vibes anymore, since now they all know I'm gay.

    I'd say it's only unhealthy when you're not acting the way you believe you should, for whatever reason. So if you're super-gay, and have to hide it because you're closeted, then when you come out, put on those 6-inch heels and get out the gate running!

    Best of luck on your coming out experience. Here is a good place for getting advice.
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    Dec 03, 2008 1:59 AM GMT
    i think that you have just witnessed the reason you should have a therapist lined up in case of a bad transition.
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    Dec 03, 2008 2:02 AM GMT
    willie1991 saidmy question is, when I come out (which I will...soon). Does a whole new confidence come? I wanna be myself everywhere!


    I'll give an uncharacteristically short answer: yes!

    One caveat tho -- it doesn't just all happen in one blinding instant. Coming out is a process. My anecdotal evidence says it takes about 2 years to become truly comfortable in your new outwardly visible gay skin.
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    Dec 03, 2008 2:05 AM GMT

    Being in the closet makes you mean, period. It's comparable to being oppressed or in prison, ain't nobody gonna be happy bout that shit!
    However, "coming out" isn't the same for everyone. To me "coming out" is exactly what you've already done: you've accepted it and you don't mind being a little gay sometimes because you accept it represents the real you.
    As far as being a little more yourself (gay acting) in public, the sad truth is that depending on your locality, you may not be able. I live in the heart of Oklahoma, I've accepted it. I'm myself around the right people, but I mostly maintain a neutral persona. I don't think it's a cop out, the nuetral me is totally part of me and I don't regard it as an act. It's a part of me that will however fade when I get to a more gay friendly environment.

    You are fine, I can relate to you so I think you are doing everything right. You are not in a closet, you just keep your drapes drawn. It'll be great the day you can open em up, but until then all that fabulousness will just have to be enjoyed by you and your friends. Maybe the world isn't ready.icon_wink.gif Atleast you can call yourself GAY, that is leaps and bounds above some of these sad individuals here. To them I say.......

    ...................................................
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    Dec 03, 2008 3:06 AM GMT
    well listen to what you're saying... 'i wanna be myself everywhere.'
    you obviously feel more 'yourself' when you're free with close friends to act 'naturally' without paranoia, pretense, and the wearing of social masks- including the 'butch' one you feel forced to wear around most ppl. yes, when you come out, you'll get a burst of newfound confidence- and you will be free- even empowered- to be 'yourself,' whatever that means for you....

    will you act 'gayer?' that depends on whether that's the real you- i'd caution against just acting that way because its empowering to do so though... i think a lot of guys do when they first come out almost as a sort of statement-making, empowerment thing... then get addicted to the attention it grants and make it a permanent part of their personalities. hence 'flamboyance.'

    my point: coming out means being unapologetically yourself and no longer being ashamed of any part of you, feeling you have to hide anything.

    the problem, if there is one, to be aware of is that most closeted guys don't KNOW themselves very thoroughly because a large part of being closeted is concerned with a paranoia born of self hate and insecurity- we all go through this, i don't mean to insult- and that's obviously not very conducive to accurate self-exploration or appraisal... and so when most come out, its a scramble to figure yourself out in the new-found room to do so. just make sure you're honest with yourself as you go through all that.

    good luck.
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    Dec 03, 2008 3:23 AM GMT
    Some people have said it didn't change a thing. I thought that at first. But over time I've noticed a lot of changes. It could've been coming out, or the fact that it was a large step in changes I was making in my life at the time. So, I'm not sure. But, I personally believe that coming out made a huge positive impact on my life and future. It certainly helped my self-esteem and lifted a fear inside that was limiting my now outgoing personality.
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    Dec 03, 2008 3:55 AM GMT
    It did mine...or let my true personality shine through a bit more. Since I came out many years ago, I've been able to create stronger new relationships and strengthen the ones I already had.
    I was also very irritable then. I am rarely irritable now.
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    Dec 03, 2008 4:31 AM GMT
    Not for me. I shared and continue to share different parts of my personality with different people.
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    Dec 03, 2008 5:15 AM GMT
    willie1991 said...my question is, when I come out (which I will...soon). Does a whole new confidence come? I wanna be myself everywhere!


    It did for me, and brought out a side of my personality that pleases me, and pleases those who know me. Your own results may vary, but...

    I went from a rather unsociable straight guy to a very outgoing gay one.

    I went from having few friends, to having more friends at this moment than the total I had for my entire previous straight life.

    I went from being happy only rarely, to being happy almost all the time.

    I went from a dreary life to one that gets more amazing every day.

    And I attribute all of this to ending the straight mistake that put me in conflict with myself, that hobbled and limited me. Now that I'm in sync with my true self, life grows more wonderful all the time.

    I feel not merely confident in myself, but fulfilled, capable and accepted. The richness of my new gay life astonishes me every day, because of the impoverished straight life I had endured for so many years before.

    It isn't really the gayness itself that brought me all these things, but learning to be who I am, which is gay. A straight person would be happiest living straight, while a gay man is happiest living gay. Unhappiness, discontent and inner discord come when we try to live the opposite of what we truly are.
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    Dec 03, 2008 8:12 AM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    Being in the closet makes you mean, period. It's comparable to being oppressed or in prison, ain't nobody gonna be happy bout that shit!
    However, "coming out" isn't the same for everyone. To me "coming out" is exactly what you've already done: you've accepted it and you don't mind being a little gay sometimes because you accept it represents the real you.
    As far as being a little more yourself (gay acting) in public, the sad truth is that depending on your locality, you may not be able. I live in the heart of Oklahoma, I've accepted it. I'm myself around the right people, but I mostly maintain a neutral persona. I don't think it's a cop out, the nuetral me is totally part of me and I don't regard it as an act. It's a part of me that will however fade when I get to a more gay friendly environment.

    You are fine, I can relate to you so I think you are doing everything right. You are not in a closet, you just keep your drapes drawn. It'll be great the day you can open em up, but until then all that fabulousness will just have to be enjoyed by you and your friends. Maybe the world isn't ready.icon_wink.gif Atleast you can call yourself GAY, that is leaps and bounds above some of these sad individuals here. To them I say.......

    ...................................................


    I think this all needs saying again, as some good points have been made.

    But I don't call myself Gay. I don't belong to the gay community anymore, as I gave back my gay card well over 20 years ago, and went and lived out in the real world again, a place I feel more at Home, and Accepted.

    But when I did start to live the gay life, in a gay community. It still was not safe to do so as in many parts of the world now it is. Gosh my whole life revolved around the gay community. For those 5 years, all my friends in the city were gay, I worked for the gay community, and being a young farm boy, with the build that come with it. I was noticed.

    But then AIDS come along, and everything changed overnight. I stood by my brothers and the gay community, when so many went running home to mommy, to be safe. I did not run, nor hide. I stood stead fast, endured police raids of the bathhouse, and the government was trying to have it listed as a brothel, the abuse I endured. Then when all the hysteria died down, and people started to feel safe again, out from under the bed, and out of the closet they come. The things I seen. The friends who are now dead.

    So when I left the gay community, and gave back my gay card because of all the bad things I seen in the community I then belonged to. I look back now, and can see that when I left that life behind, I left behind a fantasy world, and went to live in the world of reality. If ever I go to visit the gay community in the City I live. I remain on the outside looking in.

    I am now the only fag in the Village. To me "fag" is not a bad word, I'm redefining it. I am not gay acting, nor strait acting, I'm me. Sure I must flip a wrist the wrong way sometimes, but I'm not trying to hide my sexuality, I'm just being me. my sexuality does not define me as a whole, as there are many aspects to Pattison.

    I love it when I get to take some of me City mates camping, or to the bush, and they see a side of me they don't in the City. A very resorsful one; skills I don't need in the City. The same goes, when a friend will come up to the City, and I take em out to a place I like to eat, and the meal is on me. They are like wow. But want to also feel I've become a snob. But I'm not I'm just suited to the environment I'm in. We are in a 5 star restaurant, and not a bush pub.

    But because I have no need to stand under the banner of gay, nor act gay. Does not mean I have issues with my sexuality, or am repressed. Look at all the gay men here who may have resentment for me, because I refuse to fit into another mold, of what it is to be a homosexual. In so many ways. I felt repressed when I was a member of the gay community. For one I never had a need to act gay. Also at the end of the day. I really only had so many friends in the gay community, because they wanted to bed me, or the guys who were attracted to me. Now I have real mates.

    But being the only fag in the village, a pure homosexual. I feel free. I am liberated. I could now go back to the bush and live and be very contented, knowing I was not missing out on one thing!

    PS. Talked with My 91 YO. Mormon gran today, and my sexuality come up, and she told me: she has no Issues with gay people, and told me how much she loved me, and I was her number one!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2008 8:39 AM GMT
    coming out of the closet is liberating.

    you know that friend who you caught with a lie once upon a time and you never really trusted them, always had a feeling at the back of your mind that he/she may be lying to you again every time they mention something to you?

    that irritating feeling is what gay guys in the closet give off as vibes to others, without being aware, they are always hiding something, and maybe its not as extreme as i made it out to be, but people can always sense it and will definitely hurt you in the long run.



  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 03, 2008 10:58 AM GMT
    Of COURSE it does...

    When you deny a part of you Whatever it is It is going to affect your personality
    If you deny any part of you ... your family name or heritage
    your past school or job history
    or your interest in hobbies whatever it maybe your less of a whole man

    But what's worse and More insidious is what lengths you go to to protect that lie .... when someone asks you "Are you gay?"
    If you are willing to deny YOURSELF ... That is what's far more damaging
    To you and to the community as a whole
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    Dec 03, 2008 1:24 PM GMT
    It doesn't seem to me that there is only one answer to that question.

    In my experience with closeted men I would conclude that you are what you hide.

    This sort of goes along with what my mother used to tell me when she said that "lying is impossible because you are always telling the truth; maybe you can successfully hide the thing you are trying to hide, but in the end all you are telling everyone is the truth that you're a liar".

    This also closely parallels something that Quentin Crisp said that always stuck with me, "It is no use farming pigs for thirty years all the while saying I should have been a ballerina, after thirty years pigs are your style".

    To distill this down to something personal, like a lot of kids I was unhappy.

    My family was lower middle class growing up in the middle of nowhere and I was Gay, smart, weird, kinky, etc.

    I made up stories for myself about my family, they were smarter, more accomplished, richer, etc. in my fantasies than they were in reality.

    Somewhere along the way there was a schism and I started to become my own myth and my family just stayed the way that it was.

    Now I live pretty much (not 100%) the way I imagined as a kid (and that includes being out - though I agree with Guilty in saying that Out has a lot of different meanings).

    My own mythology has become my truth.

    Frankly, I think that my virtualized family (the one that I created in my mind but that never really mirrored the biological one) had as big a role in my upbringing as the real one.


    To conclude this I would say that I see the closet as, well, a confined space - a prison of our own construction. In that sense I see the closet as damaging to the personality, to the spirit, and to the soul. I don't think that the closet affects our personality as much as I think that the closet becomes our personality.

    However, the opposite is not true. Because Out is a very multidimensional space it is open to a vast array of forces, influences, styles, and situations. There are about as many versions of Out as there are people who are Out.


    Terry







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    Dec 03, 2008 2:54 PM GMT
    willie1991 said...however, when I'm with my closest friends I'm extremely gay acting sometimes (sorry for the stereotype, I'm not referring to all gay guys acting "gay").


    Don't apologize, I do the same thing with my own gay friends. I confess to having a silly streak when I'm in a comfortable setting, with my own closest and most trusted friends.

    That's when I'll camp it up for laughs, as many of my friends will, too. But all of us revert to just being guys in our daily lives, so that straights will admit to being astonished that I, or most of my friends, are gay at all.

    So have a little wicked fun with your gay friends; you've earned it, gurl! LMAO!!!
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    Dec 03, 2008 3:27 PM GMT





    I'm not out, and I'm comfortable with myself being where I am. I don't lose sleep, and I don't hate myself. I am exactly who I am when I'm around my str8 friends, just as I am when I'm around my gay ones. If and when I get there (coming out) I'll be no different acting. I don't queen out in the privacy of my own home, or dress in drag, so there's no reason for me to change. There are a couple close friends I am close to coming out to only because we've been around each other for a while and they've been wondering why I don't have a girlfriend..lol

    Now don't get me wrong, I don't run around proclaiming how I'm not gay, I just keep it to myself and those alike. When an issue comes up I just play it off without denying. Its a mastered skillicon_wink.gif

    but seriously..I am totally ok with the closet..for now..lol






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 1:24 AM GMT
    You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for all the replies, it makes me feel great! I haven't gotten to read all of them but they seem great!!

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

    Thanks again!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 5:20 AM GMT

    I think it depends for some people.


    I do believe that coming out does raise your self-esteem. I myself am only "partially" out, and in a few short years, that gave me a lot of confidence to talk to more people and be more open to about myself.


    But just because I told some people about it, it doesn't necessarily mean that my personality is going to change. I'm not going to start being blatant about my sexuality and start throwing a jazz hand or two up in the air. I'm still going to be myself.


    But like I said, it does depend on some people. Some people do change, and some don't. Coming out is just a process of finding yourself.


  • GoodPup

    Posts: 752

    Dec 04, 2008 5:25 AM GMT
    I'm in the closet.... but just cause people don't know what gender I sleep with, I stil think I am myself to everyone.
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    Dec 04, 2008 5:52 AM GMT
    willie1991 saidI'm gay and in the closet....

    I'm a pretty straight acting in public...however, when I'm with my closest friends I'm extremely gay acting sometimes (sorry for the stereotype, I'm not referring to all gay guys acting "gay").

    Even though I'm really getting to no point here...my question is, when I come out (which I will...soon). Does a whole new confidence come? I wanna be myself everywhere!


    When you come out fully, you will no longer have a burden to self-monitor and hide any behaviors that give away your sexual orientation, which should relieve a lot of stress.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 10:42 AM GMT
    I will cut to the chase. Yes.
  • GQjock

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    Dec 04, 2008 10:59 AM GMT
    When an issue comes up I just play it off without denying. Its a mastered skill

    and this would Not be a lie ... how?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 11:02 AM GMT
    I was just as much of an asshole as I was when I was str8, but my mom makes fun and says I'm a bitch now.

    lol


    your personality doesnt change, you bring more of it out when you are free to be who you are.